"If you whack me round the head with your tail one more time I'll bloody well hex it to fall off, sprout fairy wings and fly away!" Tonks grumbled as Padfoot scrambled over her and Remus for the hundredth time, trying to see if Molly and Arthur had yet returned with the five Hogwarts students they had gone to meet.
"Yes, do sit down and get your great clumsy paw out of my groin," Remus agreed with a slight wince.
Padfoot ignored them both, the wild wagging of his tail becoming even more pronounced.
Tonks fumbled for her wand and cupped a protective hand over the royal blue spikes of her current hairstyle.
Remus quickly opened the door before Tonks lost her temper and Padfoot lost his tail, and the three of them tumbled out to meet Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Neville who were trundling their luggage towards them, flanked by Molly and Arthur.
"Wotcher, mates!" Tonks bellowed enthusiastically, vigorously shaking hands with Ron and Neville as Remus politely greeted Ginny and Hermione. Meanwhile, Harry was sprawled on the ground snorting with laughter as an enormous black dog loomed over him slobbering gleefully, his whole hindquarters waggling joyfully as his tail whipped back and forth.
"Gah! Dog spit!" Harry chuckled, trying to push his overeager godfather away slightly. "It's great to see you too, Snuffles, but can we do the reunion bit later?"
"Snuffles!" Molly scolded.
Harry laughed even more as Sirius shrank back and put his paws over his eyes, his tail still waving furiously. As Molly marched over to tell Sirius off, Harry took his chance to stand up and dust himself off. "It's alright Mrs Weasley," he said quickly, "Let's get to Grimmauld Place so he can be himself. He might drool over me a bit less then."
Remus grinned as he heard that, particularly as Sirius had admitted only that morning that he had done very little but drool over Harry for the last six months or so.
Everyone immediately moved to begin stowing their luggage in the boots of the two cars as Mad Eye Moody stumped back and forth between the cars, alarming passing muggles with his mutterings about the need for constant vigilance.
Ron and Harry grinned at each other as they watched a terrified Neville and an unconcerned Ginny settling into the other car with her parents and the paranoid Moody.
"He'll have them circling Piccadilly for two hours, probably with detours past Buckingham Palace and The Tower," Harry said confidently.
"Good, that means we get first dibs on food and everything," Ron replied comfortably, "Still, it's kind of nice how some things never change, isn't it?"
Harry eyed Sirius who had draped himself heavily across his feet the minute he had got in the car and felt Hermione's gaze burning into him; some things certainly, did change though, and once Sirius stopped prancing about in dog form, his hormones were going to be troublesome to say the least.
But maybe, just maybe, Hermione wasn't completely wrong in her advice to him and if he were blessed with an incredible amount of good fortune it wouldn't matter how troublesome his hormones got.
The moment they were all over the threshold of his much hated home, Sirius transformed back into his human form and threw a casual arm around his godson's shoulders. "Good to have you here, Harry," he said happily, even as it crossed his mind that Harry's shoulders really had bulked up recently and that he could faintly feel the warmth of his body beneath his fingers even through the jumper he wore. Then he kicked himself mentally for the direction his thoughts had taken and would have pulled away, but Harry had enthusiastically burrowed into him with a mumble of, "Good to be here."
Sirius caught a glimpse of Moony smirking at him over the top of Harry's head and scowled at him as he tried not to concentrate on Harry's strong arms clamping around his own shoulders.
He valiantly attempted to ignore Harry's hair softly tickling his jaw, clenched his own in response, and focused on Moony. He didn't mind him smirking at him for once. After all, it gave him a distraction, and right now he needed all the distractions he could get, as he was trying very hard to get his mind off how well Harry fit in his arms.
Moony was not obliging and turned away talking quietly to Tonks. As Sirius attempted to distract himself, Molly arrived and began ushering the rest of the group through to the kitchen for supper. She must have overpowered Moody, he realised vaguely as he tried not to notice just how nice Harry smelled.
Eventually Harry pulled back and grinned at him just as Sirius was seriously considering returning to his canine form and running round in circles, chasing his tail for a bit. It would have been a good way to get away from Harry, particularly before he got any bad ideas about accidentally on purpose copping a feel of his unsuspecting godson. He'd have to lay off the hugs in future he could see that.
Sirius hung his head slightly; he was out of control already, not even ten minutes into the holiday. He hadn't seen Harry in months and now he was seeing him again right after that chat with Moony. What had his friend been thinking, putting ideas in his head about it not being so terrible to be more than a little obsessed with Harry? Remus had only managed to make Sirius realise it was not necessarily bad or wrong to feel the way he did.
Then he realized Harry was looking at him with an odd expression in his eyes; then he leaned closer with an inquisitive look on his face. Sirius panicked slightly, even as it crossed his mind how easy it would be to just lean forwards slightly and suck Harry's lower lip. He shook the rogue thought away. Had he given himself away so fast? His feelings weren't really that obvious, were they? All right, maybe to Moony, but he'd known him too well for too many years and he couldn't ever get away with much in the long term.
Okay, so admittedly it was likely that he'd slip up sooner or later and give himself away to Harry, but he hadn't expected Harry to catch on almost right away. He really hadn't wanted Harry to catch on this fast, unless of course, he felt the same way. Sirius almost snorted aloud at the idea, though snorting loudly in Harry's face would probably just make him think of him as an old nutter, not as a potentially desirable man. The chances of which were admittedly a little slim, with special thanks to Azkaban, but there was no need to turn his almost non-existent chance into a completely non-existent chance. That would just be stupid.
Harry grinned and stretched out a finger to lightly brush over his cheekbone and Sirius caught his breath. He could feel the heat radiating off that one fingertip. He was a goner. He breathed hard, trying not to get too excited over the simple and gentle touch. What was Harry doing? The finger traced down to his jaw and Sirius shivered slightly, fighting the urge to turn his face into Harry's hand. He had to realize what effect he was having on him, surely?
"Sirius, you're kind of erm… sparkly. Is that an intentional… a sort of Christmas decoration for you?"
He groaned and swiped a hand over the spot Harry had indicated. It was just more bloody glitter and some very wishful thinking on his part. "Better?" He managed in something approaching his normal voice.
"Still there," Harry responded, smiling.
"I fear we may all end up a bit sparkly in the near future," murmured another voice, thick with a curious mix of amusement and sympathy.
Sirius scrubbed at his face and glowered. He wondered if Moony had caught the probably goofy look on his face when Harry had touched him so innocently.
"Remus," Harry said, happily turning to embrace his old professor; he hadn't really got a chance at the station or in the car. Then he pulled back and raised an eyebrow, "Why?"
Sirius glared at his friend until Harry stepped back and released him. He knew he was being ridiculous, but somehow the sight of someone else within the circle of Harry's arms was just wrong, even if it was his very straight best friend.
Perhaps luckily for Remus he was released again only seconds after Harry made contact. Sirius briefly felt smug at being hugged for so much longer, when he recalled his role as Harry's godfather. Of course the godfather would get the bigger hug, he reminded himself irritably. Stupid, he was stupid.
"You haven't had a look in the lounge yet then?"
"Not yet, should I?"
"It was a surprise, Moony!" Sirius whined, He'd planned to take Harry in without him suspecting a thing and Moony had just ruined it. Not that Remus had known about Sirius' plan, which in his daydreams had also involved lots of fairy light at some moment in time when there was no one else around, possibly followed by them both accidentally wandering under a conveniently placed sprig of mistletoe… Then he wondered uncomfortably if Moony was reading his mind again, which might be why he'd managed to spoil that plan.
"Sorry, I didn't realise."
Okay, so maybe it was a genuine mistake and he was just getting really nasty and suspicious. He'd probably been hanging around the likes of Moody for too long.
"Can I see?" Harry asked eagerly.
Sirius nodded. "Close your eyes a minute."
Harry obeyed and let himself be manoeuvred through the doorway by Sirius, who tried very hard not to enjoy manhandling him. There were far too many lean yet well-defined muscles for him not to find it pleasurable, though. He was definitely well on his way to becoming a dirty old man.
He got Harry through the door and stood him facing the fairy-lit tree. "Okay."
Harry's eyes blinked open. "Um," He mumbled.
Well, that sounded nice and promising, Sirius thought sarcastically to himself.
Sirius watched anxiously as Harry swept his eyes over the stunning snow scene. He had worked hard and thought he'd outdone himself, he only hoped Harry agreed.
Harry's mouth was slightly open and he was blinking hard, so hopefully that was a good sign.
With any luck he was amazed by how beautiful the usually dark and musty lounge looked, not shocked by how weird his godfather and his excessive Christmas decorations were.
The dropped jaw finally came back up just as Sirius was starting to wonder if he really had overdone it this time, and Harry launched himself at him. "This is incredible!" He cried.
Sirius grinned as he held Harry close for an all too brief moment. It had been worthwhile; Harry liked it.
Suddenly Sirius felt happier than he had in months, maybe even happier than he had been since his own time at Hogwarts. He was going to give Harry a great Christmas, and even if Harry would never see him in the way he'd like to be seen, he would have the satisfaction of knowing he had given Harry the best Christmas ever, because making Harry happy was suddenly the most important thing in the world, no matter what he had to do.
It was an alarming thought, so Sirius didn't stop to examine it. Instead he grabbed Harry and began ushering him out of the room again. "You got the preview, everyone else has to wait. Come on, let's get dinner and catch up."
They both moved towards the door, Harry craning back over his shoulder with a stupid grin on his face. Suddenly he stopped and bent down to touch the glittering substance. "What the hell is this stuff anyway? It isn't the usual sort of Christmas fake snow, is it?"
"Glitter snowpuffs. I sort of accidentally blew a couple up in the hall the other day and got the idea then."
Harry grinned and quickly began forming the stuff into a ball. He straightened up, tossing it from hand to hand.
Sirius grinned and was about to dive for his own handful of snow when Harry tossed the ball to splatter with deadly accuracy in the middle of his chest.
It was war.
Ten minutes later they were lying side by side, both liberally caked in glitter and snorting with laughter.
Neither of them heard the door open as Remus returned in search of them. He smiled and shook his head before withdrawing without a sound. He'd just tell Molly that Harry and Sirius were talking and should be left to themselves for now. It wasn't as if her excellent cooking would spoil if she were to save a bit for them.
Harry leaned his thigh against Sirius with a faint smile on his lips as he tried ineffectually again to rub the glitter off the lenses of his glasses. He could just magic it off of course, but where would the fun be in that? If he did that he'd have more reason to get up than to slump against the muscular warmth of Sirius.
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Harry, Sirius was taking advantage of Harry's temporarily rather poor vision to gaze longingly at him.
Harry was too busy thinking back on the conversation he had held with Hermione earlier that day to notice Sirius staring at him. She had given him practical reassurance about his feelings and had refused to let him dismiss them.
Then, after she was done being supportive of his total right to have his feelings, she had shocked him by telling him he should first attempt to find out where he could stand with Sirius. Ever practical, Hermione had quickly decided the first thing they had to establish was his godfather's sexual inclinations. Once they had that established, she claimed, he would at least know whether or not his feeling were utterly pointless, and could move on from there.
Then, if Sirius was interested in men, he could start trying to find out if he could be interested in Harry personally. Harry supposed Hermione was right, but he had no idea how to approach the topic. He couldn't just casually lean over and say, "Hey Sirius. I was just wondering… would you rather smooch a witch or a wizard?" He shuddered; he couldn't do that. Hermione would have to do the thinking for him on this one and come up with something much cleverer.
He finally managed to scrub most of the glitter off with the hem of his T-shirt, and shoved his glasses back on to look at Sirius who hadn't moved from the spot next to him, and who was apparently looking right through him with an odd expression.
Harry gulped; he hadn't thought out loud, had he? No, he hadn't, he was sure of it. Sirius' eyes were glazed over, though. "Hey?" Harry said, waving a sparkly hand in front of his godfather's face.
Sirius blinked stupidly and then gently punched Harry's shoulder and grinned. "We were on our way to dinner, weren't we?"
Harry grinned back, enjoying this closeness. "I think a shower first might be a good bet, or I think I'll be finding glitter in interesting places for at least a week. This stuff is really starting to stick now."
Sirius' jaw dropped slightly and then he nodded fervently. "Yes, we should…go… shower…yes." He got quickly to his feet and headed for the door.
Harry stared after him in bewilderment; Sirius was being weird, even by his own special standards. He shrugged and followed him out of the door and upstairs anyway.
As he entered his own bedroom he looked over his shoulder at Sirius entering the room opposite. "I'll see you out here in fifteen minutes then?"
Sirius merely nodded.
The moment Sirius closed his bedroom door behind himself he slumped against the door and whimpered. He wasn't going to survive Christmas at this rate.
He made for the bathroom, shedding his clothes in every direction, uncaring of the glitter flying around the room. It had been bad enough in the summer, seeing Harry for the first time in almost a year and coming to realize that he was an incredibly attractive young man. But now that he'd had months to get worked up about seeing him again, coupled with Moony's fairly guilt-relieving little chat, he was struggling to function normally around Harry.
As he stepped under the hot spray of the shower he vaguely remembered Ron's stories concerning his sister's one time crush on Harry, and imagined that he'd soon be following her example and putting his elbows in the butter at mealtimes.
At least Ginny seemed to be happy with Neville these days. Sirius wasn't sure if he could have coped with Harry dating her right under his nose. Though, it was probably going to happen one day with someone and if someone else made Harry he happy he supposed he'd be able to grin and bear it for Harry's sake, albeit with very bad grace.
It was just that when Harry had been polishing his glasses with the hem of his T-shirt, he'd got un-asked for confirmation that Quidditch was very good for Harry's abs.
He'd just recovered from that when Harry had looked right at him and said with that wicked grin, that he might be finding glitter in interesting places and Sirius had wanted to ask which places he meant, even though he could imagine only too well which places Harry might have been referring to.
His body gave the predictable reaction to that imagining. Sirius glared at his treacherous body part and almost involuntarily ran a hand down his belly to reach for himself, but when he wrapped a firm hand around his erection and began stroking himself he stopped and changed the shower temperature to cold. He was not going to go there. If he did, he'd never be able to look Harry in the eyes again. Miserably, Sirius stood in the icy spray, his head lowered and his hands braced against the tiled wall, out of reach of temptation, until he heard a knock at his bathroom door.
"Sirius? Are you drowning yourself in there?"
Not a bad idea, he thought as he scrambled out of the shower, you'd almost certainly want to drown me if you knew I was thinking of you just now when I touched myself. Then he grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist, squeezed the water out of his thick shoulder length hair and opened the door. "Sorry, I was just about to get out anyway," He lied.
Harry nodded at him, his eyes wide. "Okay."
Sirius walked across the room to his wardrobe and quickly selected fresh clothes and realised Harry was still staring at him. Well, he wasn't shy. Sirius quickly dried off, dropped the towel and pulled on some black trousers before turning to face Harry again, who had gone quite obviously pale. "You okay? You look a bit off-colour."
Harry stared at him. "Oh, I um… I'm um, hungry. Lunch was a long time ago."
Sirius hastily brushed his hair and tied the damp strands back with a thin strip of leather. Wonderful, Sirius thought, Harry was hungry and he was just holding Harry up by fantasising in the shower. He grabbed a shirt, shoved his feet into his boots and brushed past Harry still doing up buttons. "Lets go and scrounge then; dinner might not yet be over."
Dinner wasn't over. Ron was still ploughing through his third helping of beef stew, and pumpkin pie was still warming in the oven.
Molly leapt up at Sirius and Harry's entrance and bustled over to the stove, "There you two are! Sit down, I saved you plenty." Within moments Sirius and Harry were tucking in.
Both were very glad to have the distraction of food, and both were very quiet.
Conversation was general and a lot of it consisted of Molly quizzing Hermione to see if all the others were working hard at school. Finally, Molly shooed all the 'children' off to bed and she and Arthur remained chatting to Sirius, Remus and Tonks.
Harry had just changed into his pyjama bottoms when there was a gentle tapping at his bedroom door. Shrugging on his dressing gown he opened it, not really surprised to see Hermione lurking in the corridor, also in her dressing gown and pyjamas.
"Come in Hermione," he sighed wearily. He'd been expecting her, especially as Ron returning from his shower had cut off their conversation earlier. He would tell Ron about his feelings for Sirius sometime, but not just yet, as he wasn't too sure about how his friend would react. Not everyone would accept it as calmly as Hermione had.
"So, Harry, are you okay?" She asked anxiously as she entered the room. "You were really quiet at dinner and pale when you came downstairs. Did you say something to Sirius?"
"Yes to the first, no to the second," he replied. "I just got a bit more than I bargained for when I went into Sirius' room to encourage him to get dressed a bit faster."
Hermione's mouth dropped open and then she frowned. "Did he do something?"
Harry rolled his eyes. "Hermione. I only wish he would."
Hermione blushed a fiery red. "Oh. Sorry."
"I just meant that he wasn't bothered about me standing there with my eyes hanging out as he got dressed. I felt like such a fool standing there all but drooling."
"I'd guess it just added some more fuel to the naughty pirate dreams then," she said with an embarrassed-sounding giggle.
Harry groaned. "I'm never going to live that down, am I?"
"What, you mean when you mumbled, 'Oh, Sirius' and pounced on your pillow? No, that will never be forgotten. Particularly when you tell Ron you are attracted to Sirius. He'll die laughing when he realizes what the dream was really about."
Harry shook his head. "I'll never tell him then."
"Harry."
"I will tell him, just not yet. It's enough for me to get used to, let alone Ron. If he guessed like you did then fine, but otherwise I think he may be best off not knowing."
"Okay, I can understand that, he was a bit odd for a day or so when you announced you thought you were gay, though I suspect that was mostly because he had to give up his dream of having you as a brother-in-law someday."
Harry just snorted at the idea. "Now what did you actually want? Is this a planning session that should be entitled 'How to Seduce Lovable Strays' by any chance?"
Hermione sat down on his bed with great dignity and curled her slipper-clad feet under herself. "I think we just need to bring up the topic of homosexuality in general conversation and try to get him to voice his views on the subject. It might at least give us a few hints, if not an outright answer. If that doesn't work then we'll simply have to be less subtle."
"Great," Harry responded unenthusiastically.
"Well, you think of something better then," Hermione said huffily.
"No, it is a good idea," Harry soothed quickly, "A much better scenario than my thoughts of earlier where I could have just asked if he preferred a witch or a wizard for a smooch."
Hermione tried not to smile. "Honestly. Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that, but really, does it matter if Sirius knows you want to know about his romantic interests?"
Harry flopped down next to her with a sigh. "I don't know Hermione, the odds aren't exactly in my favor here and I really don't want him finding out why I want to know, unless by some miracle he feels the same way."
"If you don't ask, chances are you don't get," Hermione reminded him. "Isn't it worth a risk with that all that Gryffindor courage?"
Harry scowled. "Okay, imagine that Ginny came up to you and asked if you were into girls, wouldn't you suspect she was personally interested in you?"
Hermione considered the question for about a second. "Well, no. She is dating Neville."
"But I'm not dating Neville, or rather I'm not dating a girl. Imagine she'd never seriously dated a guy, like I've never seriously dated a girl, what would you think then?"
"But Ginny isn't interested in girls. I know she isn't."
Harry collapsed back onto the bed and began smothering himself with a handy pillow. That was the trouble with Hermione sometimes; she took things so literally.
"Harry." She tugged at the pillow and he tugged back. "We need to discuss this."
"I don't think so," he replied, as one more yank on the pillow brought her sprawling down next to him on the bed. Removing the pillow from his head he looked at her squarely. "I just don't want him to find out, okay? I care so much that I almost don't want to know myself and have my hopes dashed. I'd almost rather live on not ever knowing. If he found out and hated me, or worse, felt sorry for me, I think I'd want to die. Well, maybe not literally, but you know?"
Her eyes darkened sympathetically and she leant closer to hug him awkwardly when there was a brief knock at the door and it slowly opened to reveal Sirius in the doorway.
Hermione sat up quickly, smoothing her hair, straightening her pyjamas and trying to get her feet back into the slippers she had lost when Harry had tugged too hard on that pillow. The look on Sirius' face told her exactly what he thought he'd interrupted. Obviously he hadn't cottoned on to the fact that she and Ron had finally started dating.
Harry was straightening up too. "Hi, Sirius," he said awkwardly.
"Sorry to interrupt," Sirius said coolly as he stood in the doorway, dying a little on the inside. He'd known it would happen sooner or later and admittedly he'd hoped it would be later rather than sooner. But he hadn't realized until a moment ago just how much it was going to hurt.
"No, it's okay. I was just going to go and say goodnight to Ron and go to bed anyway." Hermione answered quickly.
"There you are," Ron's voice chimed in from behind Sirius. "I was knocking on your door and wondering where you were."
Sirius stepped aside and Ron entered the room, and Hermione seized the opportunity to make the situation between her and Harry clear, just in case Harry was wrong about needing a miracle. She stood up and wrapped her arms around Ron and kissed him firmly on the lips. "Why don't we go and sit in my room for a little while," she suggested, as Ron blushed, unused to such a public demonstration from his girlfriend.
"Okay," he mumbled eagerly. "Sleep well mate," he added to Harry, "Try not to have any more dreams about pirates."
Harry snorted, "Thanks mate. Goodnight both of you."
"Pirates?" Sirius queried.
"Yeah, Harry was having this really intense nightmare this morning about pirates. I think it was probably Hermione's fault, lending him dodgy books. It looked and sounded pretty funny though."
"It had nothing to do with my book," Hermione protested.
"Funny how?" Sirius asked at the same time.
"It was to do with that muggle film we saw during the summer, remember?" Hermione went on, ignoring Sirius.
Ron looked at Harry with fresh interest. "But wasn't that the film with that actor that-" he began, but was shut up by Hermione giving him another kiss and hauling him towards the door.
They went, closing Harry into the room with Sirius, who couldn't for the life of him remember why he had stopped in to see Harry.
"Well, that was so interesting I've forgotten what I came in here for now," he said, smiling broadly.
If he sounded dementedly happy, that was because he was. For a few horrible moments he'd genuinely thought he'd walked in on Harry and Hermione about to get into bed with each other. Then she'd leapt up and made a fuss of Ron and he'd almost kissed Ron himself he was so grateful to him for being Hermione's boyfriend, thus eliminating the possibility of Harry being Hermione's lover.
He shook his head. He really needed to get a life beyond Harry. One day, that scene of Harry lying on the bed twined in someone's arms would play out again, only one day it wouldn't be so innocent.
Harry mock-scowled. "I'm sure you'll get all the embarrassing details in the morning of what I said and did." Harry made up his mind to get to Ron early the next morning and ensure he didn't discuss the bit of the dream where Harry had been moaning his godfather's name.
"I look forward to it," Sirius teased. "Anyway, I remembered what I was here for. Molly is going to Diagon Alley tomorrow after breakfast and wanted to know who was coming along with her. If you want to go it'll mean an early breakfast. Ginny and Neville are going, but Ron and Hermione are probably staying here, according to Molly."
Harry shrugged. "I got all my gifts in Hogsmeade, so I think I'll stay here and spend a bit of time with you, if that's okay."
Sirius grinned happily. Harry wanted to spend time with him. "More than okay! I'll see you at breakfast."
Harry nodded and shrugged off his dressing gown, ready to get into bed.
Sirius carefully reminded himself to breathe.
"Sleep well Sirius."
"You too. Don't let the pirates get you."
"Mmm, it was mostly just one very devilish pirate and I'll do my best not to have that dream again. It isn't very restful."
Sirius shook his head. "Goodnight Harry," he said as he left the room.
Harry settled down in bed with a faint smile as he anticipated a tomorrow spent with Sirius. He closed his eyes, but sleep refused to come and he tossed and turned trying to get comfortable. It was no good. The image of Sirius' naked backside didn't shift. He flopped onto his back and dragged a hand through his hair; he could see that he was in for a long and trying night.
Sirius crept across the landing and entered his own room, and for the second time that day he slumped back against the door and whimpered. His chances of survival were decreasing by the minute.
When Harry had just casually whisked off his dressing gown, revealing taut muscles and firm skin that Sirius could quite happily imagine running his tongue over every inch of, he'd thought he might spontaneously combust on the spot. He'd actually had to remind himself to breathe, but then the little voice in his head telling him 'in' and 'out' had suddenly developed a naughty twist and he'd found himself unwillingly putting different connotations on those innocent words.
Sirius lurched across the room, tugging carelessly at his clothes. He needed another cold shower. Now.
Sirius shook himself like a dog and tried not to shiver as he blundered out of the shower and wrapped himself up in a handy towel. This close affiliation with icy water couldn't go on; he'd end up giving himself hypothermia or something, which could prove tricky to explain. He paused by his bed but knew he would never be able to relax with a hundred thoughts of Harry rushing through his head. He pulled his discarded trousers back on and absently paced the room.
He considered going downstairs to get roaring drunk, but knew there would be people sniffing at him and giving him reproachful looks in the morning if he did, so that was out. Besides, if he got drunk he'd probably only lurch about and do idiotic things. It wouldn't stop him feeling the way he did.
When he'd had a binge at the end of the summer, to his shame he'd almost blurted out something really lascivious at Harry. If his slightly addled memory served him correctly, only Tonks tripping over her own feet and knocking him over had saved him from ruining what little was left of his life. No, excessive drinking was probably best avoided, particularly as Harry always looked at him with such hurt and reproachful eyes when he drank too much.
Sirius slumped back onto his bed with a sound somewhere between a moan and a howl. Every damn thing came back to Harry these days and there was nothing he could do to get away from it, not that he was sure he'd want to get away, even if he could. The pain of being around Harry and being unable to be what he wanted to be to him couldn't be worse than the grief of not having him near at all.
Maybe just a small drink, he counseled himself, maybe just enough to help him sleep easier. He stood up and shrugged his shirt on, not bothering to button it. It was well past midnight; no one would be around to see him.
He opened his door and crept out, focused on finding where Remus had ineffectually hidden the Ogden's this time, only to be distracted by a thump from Harry's room. He paused aghast, his heart racing.
That sounded like Harry's headboard banging. What if Ginny had got tired of Neville and was in there with Harry? Maybe even Hermione, what if she was sleeping with both boys? What if Harry knew he was sneaking off to drink and was about to angrily come after him? Then he calmed himself and tried not to think such surreal thoughts.
He leaned closer to the door, listening intently, grimacing as his ear made contact with the cold metal of the keyhole. What was wrong with him? Why didn't he just knock and see if Harry was okay like a normal person would? After all, it wasn't as if he was already drunk or anything.
"Right, normal. Be normal," he mumbled to himself as he knocked gently. "Great, now I'm talking to myself as well."
There was no answer from within, so Sirius slowly cracked the door open, tapping on it as he did so. "Harry?"
There was a load groan and Sirius hastily swung the door wide and stepped towards the bed, trying to see if Harry was alone and all right. He could dimly make out the outline of just one person in the bed, which was good. "Is something wrong?" He asked.
There was a sudden rustle of bedcovers as Harry rolled off the bed and crashed to the floor in a thrashing heap at his feet.
As Sirius stooped down to see if Harry was okay, Harry bolted upright breathing hard, and they just missed thumping their heads together.
"Sirius," Harry gasped, stretching his hand out to clutch Sirius' sleeve before he could think.
"Yeah, I'm right here," Sirius managed in what he hoped was a soothing voice. "Evil Dark Lord dream or Pirate dream?"
Harry withdrew his hand and made a play of rubbing his eyes. "Um, pirates again." He gulped as he tucked the bedcovers higher up his body and quickly drew his knees up; just what he didn't need, Sirius seeing the tented bedcovers. "Did I, um, did I actually wake you up?"
Sirius gave a short bark of laughter and sat back on his haunches. "You weren't that loud. I was just going downstairs for a drink. Are you okay now? Do you need me to sit here for a bit?"
Harry ignored the questions. "Alcoholic drink?"
Sirius nodded. "I couldn't sleep, okay? I thought it might send me off a bit faster."
Harry scrambled to his feet with his bedcovers held in an artfully draped bunch around his waist and sat back on the edge of his bed with a small frown. As much as he loved Sirius, he hated the way he drank on occasion. "Are you sure you don't mean get drunk into oblivion?"
"It wasn't my intent."
Nice evasive answer, Harry thought as he fumbled for his glasses. "Well as I don't seem to be having much luck with sleep either, I might as well join you for a few small ones. Staying up drinking with you has to beat some impossible dreams that promote restfulness about as much as drinking ten cups of coffee does."
Sirius frowned. "What the hell kind of movie was this that you're having such extreme dreams? I went out to see a few muggle movies when I was about your age, but I never saw anything that gave me nightmares."
Harry flushed and stammered out quickly, "Nothing special, just about pirates and stuff."
Sirius tried to suppress an evil grin. "Eat your heart out, Voldemort. Pirates have done what you couldn't. Harry is officially too scared to sleep."
"Shut up Sirius."
"Sorry. Ron was right, it is kind of funny, particularly when you dived out of bed and tried to strangle your sheet."
Harry just huffed exasperatedly.
Sirius took a deep breath and tried to be serious; if this dream really had Harry this scared it would probably be a good thing if he were to stay with him and not poke fun at him. He forced himself to look at Harry and think of him as a scared godson, not a desirable Sex object. He could stay with him; it wouldn't be a problem as long as he kept his distance. "I think that maybe I should stay with you for a while, just so I can wake you up if you start dreaming again."
Harry gulped. Should he let Sirius stay and watch over him while he had saucy dreams about him? If he didn't ask him to stay though, he was pretty sure that Sirius would just vanish off to wherever he kept his booze and get drunk again. So he mustered a smile and rearranged himself comfortably on his bed, conscious of his hands shaking as he did so, and watched out of the corner of his eye as Sirius lowered himself on to the chair beside the bed. "Thanks Sirius," he forced himself to say.
"Any time."
Silence reigned for a few minutes before Harry spoke up again, giving voice to something that had genuinely been bothering him and was easier to talk about in near darkness, "Sirius."
"Mm."
"Do you think some people are meant to be alone?"
"What?"
"You know, by themselves. Mum had Dad, Ron has Hermione, Ginny has Neville, Molly has Arthur, but I always seem to end up on my own."
"I'm on my own too. Besides, you're a bit young yet to be worrying about ending up alone permanently."
Harry gathered all his courage and asked, "Did you ever have someone or want to have someone?"
Sirius frowned. Where had all this come from? Poor Harry must be feeling really left out by his friends all pairing off, but what to answer? He could hardly tell Harry that he wanted nothing more than to be with him. In any case, Sirius' own love life had essentially been on hold for a decade and a half and there wasn't all that much to tell from before that anyway. He settled on half the truth, choosing his words carefully for once in his life.
"I wasn't all that many years older than you when I was sent to Azkaban and hadn't really been seriously involved with anyone at that time. I was too busy with the Order and not ready to settle down back then, and as you know I've been in Azkaban or on the run or stuck here ever since, so there hasn't been the opportunity. But someday, if my name is cleared then yes, I'd like to not be alone any more."
"You mean when your name is cleared," Harry said firmly. "What about someone in the Order, or someone else who knows that you're innocent? You could be involved with one of them, now couldn't you?"
That was getting a bit close to the mark, so Sirius merely grunted and shifted in his chair.
"Sorry," Harry said quickly, "Are you uncomfortable?
Like you wouldn't believe, Sirius thought, though not for the reasons you think.
"You can have one of my pillows to sit on if you like," Harry went on, oblivious to Sirius' whirling emotions.
"Thanks." Sirius absently accepted the pillow and held it in his lap. There were feathers escaping from it, he noted. He held up the pillow, eager to get the conversation onto less difficult ground. "You been pillow fighting?"
"What?"
"I'm turning the light on," he announced before doing just that. He waited for their eyes to adjust and for Harry to scramble for his glasses and then waved the incriminating pillow at Harry. "Loose feathers."
Harry eyed the pillow and then ducked his head, apparently mortally embarrassed. Sirius took in the furious blush and shrugged his shoulders before leaning over to thump Harry lightly over the head with the pillow. "Don't worry, there are more pillows in the cupboard, I think. I always used to have pillow fights at your age. In fact, I feel like one now." He hefted the pillow in his hand and waved it at Harry who quickly got the idea, tossed his glasses aside, snatched up his other pillow and thwacked Sirius in return.
For a few minutes they enthusiastically beat each other around the head and shoulders with the pillows until the already abused pillow Sirius held exploded feathers all over the place and they sat down chuckling on the edge of Harry's bed.
Sirius looked at the mess. It was good to know that he could still treat Harry normally and not spend every single second in his company wanting to kiss him or touch him. Well, he still did want to, but it wasn't the foremost thought in his brain for once.
Harry grinned happily at Sirius who grinned stupidly back; this beat drinking himself into a stupor any time. Anything with Harry was better than anything else that didn't involve Harry.
Harry twirled a feather idly between his finger and thumb before pitching it up in the air and watching it fall. He stood up, stuck his glasses back on and swept more feathers off his bed. "If I wake up looking like a chicken, with feathers stuck to me in the morning, I'm blaming you."
Sirius just grinned and relaxed on Harry's bed, lacing his fingers behind his head and propping himself up on the surviving pillow. Harry rolled his eyes and tossed the sheet to drape over Sirius' head. An indignant protest was faintly heard from under the sheet but Harry ignored it with a wicked grin as he grabbed his wand and began banishing feathers.
As he crossed the room to grab a cushion out of the armchair beside the fire, he heard a soft snore coming from under the sheet. Apparently Sirius was fast asleep, or possibly plotting something that Harry needed to believe he was asleep for. Harry didn't put anything past Sirius, so he approached the gently snoring lump in his bed with caution and carefully eased the sheet away. His heart gave a furious jump as he realized that Sirius really was asleep.
In his bed no less.
Harry stared down at his sleeping godfather and wondered what to do. There was nothing to stop him from climbing into bed with him and going to sleep too, was there? Harry propped the cushion up beside Sirius and sat down gingerly on the bed. Should he wake him and send him back to his own bed? But then Sirius might not be able to get back to sleep and might go off and drink. Besides, if he was honest with himself, he just plain wanted to sleep next to Sirius and besides, shouldn't you always let sleeping dogs lie?
His mind made up, Harry spread his quilt out to cover both of them and scrambled into bed. He stared at Sirius for a while, watching him sleep, enjoying being able to look at Sirius' tiredly handsome face without fear of being caught staring. Then, abruptly, he yawned and blinked his eyes tiredly. Weeks of no proper sleep were catching up with him and he was forced to admit that if he didn't stop staring soon, he'd just fall asleep where he was and wake up sprawled on Sirius with his glasses still on, which could prove both embarrassing and somewhat hard to explain. Reluctantly he removed his glasses and extinguished the light.
Within moments he too was sleeping peacefully.