Disclaimer: Check first chapter.

A/N:

Chapter 3

During the ride to the hospital I had such mix feelings.  I wasn't sure if I wanted Yukio to drive faster or not.  I didn't want to get there and find out my dad's dying for whatever happened and I wanted to be beside my father as fast as I could just in case my mom was making a bigger deal then she needed to be making.  My intuition was telling me that nothing good could come from this and I was hoping that whatever the problem was, it could be fixed.

After Yukio parked I had hopped out of the car and walked quickly toward the building.  Yukio was right beside me, keeping up with my pace while he linked his fingers through mine to try and offer comfort.  I squeezed his hand to show it was appreciated but my face remained neutral, void of any emotion I can force back.

It wasn't long before I found myself walking into the waiting room.  It was a large white room with a wooden desk at the corner and a secretary sitting just behind it writing upon some papers. 

The room was filled with little plastic chairs in which some had held people.  They were all sitting except for one who had only just risen and was pacing towards my boyfriend and me. 

Yukio and I started walking towards my mother, as well, until we came to meet her half way.  "Oh, Yamato."  She said shakily, her voice wavered as she brought up her one shaking hand to move some of her light brown hair out of her pale face.  "I'm sorry.  It doesn't look good… I'm…"    The women closed her eyes and pushed all tears back for the one she used to call husband.  I could tell my mother was near hysterics or possibly she had already gone through it and she was trying not to be hysterical now, for me.

"What's wrong?"  I choked out, wanting this sinking feeling that I have been carrying since I got the phone call to just leave.  "What happened to him?"

"…He's… He's been sick for a long time… I never knew about it."  She chocked out a laugh as something suddenly appeared humorous to her and she looked up, a strained smile upon her face.  "That stubborn man."  I watched as a tear leaked from her right eye and glistened in the artificial lighting as it fell down her soft cheek.  She closed her eyes and forced the other tears, which had wanted to escape, back as well.  "That's one of the reasons we got divorced.  He was too stubborn…"  A moment went by as silence took over and the same question that's probably courses through you're mind right now was shooting through mine.    

"Mom…"  I had tried to urge her on while keeping my voice soft to sooth the same woes that I would experience in a few short minutes.

"Oh, Yamato.  I'm so, so sorry."  She opened her eyes again and gazed at me, the pain she carried was as clear as the night sky outside.  Her hand came forward as she rested it on my cheek, staring at me while her cold fingers stroked my skin.

"Mom… what's wrong with him?"  I felt Yukio's hand squeeze mine tighter, probably afraid I would brake down the moment I knew. 

"He never told you either, had he?"  She asked.  I just stared numbly at her as she brought her hand back to her side.  I didn't answer. Didn't need to.  "He has Cancer."  I felt myself freeze.  "He's had it for a long time, now… years.  He's been…"  She took a shaky breath.  "He's been having surgery every few months because of it but… they couldn't get it all…"  She paused again, trying to compose herself enough to talk.  "This is his last chance… if they can't… it's the only reason he told me… the only reason you're being told." 

I don't really remember much of the next few minutes.  I do, on the contrary, remember feeling numb, being unable to feel my body… my feet.  I had felt dizzy as you would in a dream, everything was surreal and my head spun.  The lighting was both too bright and too dark at the same time. 

I had stared at everyone in the room, seeing if anyone else could see my pain as clearly as I felt it.  I had blinked then and when my eyes had opened again the room was empty, still with the contradicting lighting and every white little chair in its place but now void of people.  A movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention and I looked towards the swinging doors that led into the emergency ward.  A face stared at me through the bullet proof glass, which was in the doors, with a kind of neutrality that chilled me thoroughly.

It was a boy of my age with skin so pale it appeared to be almost clear against all the white walls of the interior of the building.  His immaculate blue eyes stared at me and they were the only things about him that held any true feeling.  They carried the same hurt I was feeling and the sorrowful look took another stab at my already crushed heart. 

Then I felt as if I were falling and an ache swelled in my knees.  I blinked again and everything was back to normal except I was kneeling now.  I felt the hardness of the ceramic floor and it hurt but not as much as the tears that stung my eyes and the throbbing in my chest. 

I felt Yukio's arms on my sides as he tried to lift me to my feet but all he did was bring me to my standing height for my legs refused to work.  "Yamato.  Come on.  Just stand up and we'll go see him."  Yukio tempted.  I tried to stand but found it unusually hard.  Yukio wrapped his arm around me as I leaned on him and he helped me walk.

My mother wordlessly led us to my father's room and when we got there; when I was helped to walk through the door and saw him…I nearly broke down and cried.  But I couldn't… not now. 

He was hooked up to heart rate monitors, air masks and numerous other machines I couldn't name.  His skin was pale, almost as pale as I am, which is really something considering how dark his skin is usually, and his eyes were dull.  Takeru, my brother, sat beside his bed, one hand clutching my father's, his eyes were dull as well.

Feeling steadier on my feet, I pulled away from my boyfriend and walked towards my father.  His eyes lowered from the ceiling to look at me as I approached.

"Yamato…"  He said the sound was muffled through the mask and overlapping with the beeps coming from the monitors.

"Dad."  I paused for a moment and bit my lip before finally deciding to ask what I wanted.  "Lung Cancer, right?  From the cigarettes?"  He nodded though I had already knew the answer.  I sighed, not even surprised at the voice I used which had been vacant of feeling. 

I lowered myself onto the bed beside him and rested my hand on his.  One of his fingers had a gray clamp on it but it hadn't of bugged me.  "Yamato, I'm so sor…"  My father started weakly but I shook my head and he stopped. 

"It's alright, Dad.  No point in apologizing now."  I said.  I felt a bitterness come over me as I found myself tempted to say that he shouldn't apologize now since it was before the cancer that he should have thought enough to quite smoking. 

I stared at my father as he closed his eyes in grieving.  "But I am.  I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Yamato but…"

"I said its okay, Dad."  I interrupted again and when he opened his eyes again they were slightly livelier then the moment before.

"Yamato let me talk.  I know how you think.  I didn't tell you because I know you'd drive yourself into an early grave worrying, not because I didn't consider you close enough to tell you.  I'm sorry I didn't.  I love you so much, son.  I thought I'd be able to sort this out on my own with out causing you to be hurt.  I'm sorry for being so foolish to think I could."

My bottom lip quivered and I squeezed my eyes closed so tightly I saw stars.  I kept telling myself I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't cry and eventually I felt strong enough to open my eyes again without being afraid of the flood gates leaking.    

 "Matt?"  My brother asked. I turned my head to look at my brother as I caught hold of my emotions. 

"Yeah, Teek?"  My voice was soft as I spoke, softer then I'd ever heard it but I didn't dare try to fix it. 

"Why do people continue making cigarettes if they know it could hurt people like this?"  His voice, on the contrary, was rough and hollow.  It sounded like he had already cried his share and was caught up in depression.

I laughed, different from the one my mother had let slip her lips earlier but still with the same anguish her voice had held, as I said, "Because they're stupid."

This answer hadn't satisfied my brother's curiosity as he had hoped but he didn't ask anything else.  He just looked down at his hands, as if my words or tone of voice hurt him, then to my father and tried to pretend the question wasn't asked. 

Yes, I felt bad for making him feel that way but I didn't know what to say to make it better so I thought the least I could do was not say something that could make it worst.  And I sat quietly by my father for hours.  Long after my boyfriend left for work and long after my mother left for home…

His surgery was in a week and I had argued that it was too long away.  They told my father that it would be in the morning at eight o'clock, which is why I was called at 3 am to go to the hospital, but they had to change the appointment for the reason being that they had 'technical difficulties'.  Technical my ass.  That was just there doctor code for 'we found your father's surgery to be more difficult then what we thought', which, in turn, means that the slim chance he had before of making it is now cut in half. 

Every minute that had passed his breathing seemed more haggard and his whole upper body began to move up and down as his diaphragm seemed to desperately try and open his lungs up enough for the air he needed.

I felt so helpless as I sat in the large chair, wrapped in my boyfriends huge coat, just staring at my father's dying form and my brother's distrait form which was laying beside the older man.    

I was becoming more and more frightened as I waited for the scheduled day to come and as I watched my father's hopeless breathing attempts I realized how my worrying was doing nothing to help no one. 

I knew I needed to get my mind off of all this ER drama if I was ever going to be some form of help, even if I were only a shoulder for crying, so, sometime around the third day, when my mother came back with her fifth coffee and my brother lay on the bed with my father talking mindlessly to his slumbering form, believing he could fully hear everything Takeru was saying, I left.

It seemed out of no where, to, that I just stood and quickly paced towards the door.  My mother asked where I was going and I said, quickly, for a ride and that was it.

I left the hospital and walked in a chosen direction at a fast pace.  I wanted to drive a car and unleash my burdened heart to burn rubber.  I had considered going to my boyfriends work to borrow his car but then I'd have to ask him because I didn't have keys of my own and even if I did then I doubt he'd be thrilled to find out his car was missing.  So I went to my second option, which, now that I think of it, wasn't the best idea in the world… not that I'd change it now if I could. 

It must have been a half an hour later that I found myself in front of a Nissan dealership.  I stood at the entrance and stared at all the cars.  My heart thudded as I picture myself behind the wheel of one of them, with the window down and letting the wind sweep away my woes… But first I had to compose myself because if I looked half like what I felt then I'd probably be sent away.  So, before I stepped into the concrete yard which held all the automobiles, I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths. 

I could smell the rain in the air and knew the ground wouldn't stay as dry as it is now.  The clouds were dark and few people were out. 

Feeling more composed; I walked into the dealership slowly and looked a few of the cars over, doing what I usually do when I want a test drive. 

I'd look until one of the employees comes over, then ask them about the car, ask for pricing and, finally, ask for a test drive. 

I found my favorite car in the lot and walked up to it.  I pretended to check the interior and exterior, tires and rims and whatever else I could think of.  Finally a salesman came over, though I couldn't see him since my back was to him, but I heard his footsteps and because of the rain promising to fall I hadn't thought it could be a pedestrian, it wasn't likely.  I remember I had opened up my mouth, ready to ask the questions and play the little act I had prepared to make it look like I'm about to purchase the car, when his voice cut off mine   "Didn't think I'd be seeing you so soon?  Anyways, need help."  Startled by the known voice, I turned around and noticed Taichi in a suit, standing a few feet away, grinning.  Any other time I probably would have taken the opportunity to mock him about the suit in which he didn't really seem to go well with.

I sighed, too exhausted to fight at the time.  "You work here?"

"Yeah.  Have so for two months.  That's why I got my Xterra for a good price."

I turned back around to look over the Maxima and said, dully.  "I don't want to fight, so let's not start something."

"Alright, 'cause I don't either.  I'd get fired if I fought with a costumer… that's what you are, right?  You finally got enough money to buy something?"  I hesitated for moment before nodding.

"Yeah.  I wanted to find a car I like first before I get my boyfriend here for his input." 

He raised an eyebrow at me.  "I thought you said it was going to be for you.  Why do you need … um… what's his name… your boyfriend, to help you decide."

I sighed, still feeling emotionally and physically exhausted.  "Yukio's opinion means something to me, that's why.  By the way, I'm here to make the decision, I just want his input.  What he thinks of my decision."  He nodded as I turned back to the car and asked him if he could tell me more about the car. 

Tai nodded and started telling me about the Maxima, sounding almost dull as he described to me all the positive aspects of the car.

When he was done answering my questions about the car I realized there was only one thing left to do.  "Can I have a test drive?"  I asked.

Taichi hesitated a moment before nodding.  "Um…Yep... okay.  One moment."  He left for a moment as I continue to look at the silver car.  I dragged a finger over the smooth door handle and let it linger just before it fell away from the vehicle.

Taichi came back a moment later with the keys to the car.  I had taken them when he through them to me and got ready to drive.  A few moments later I found myself on the road, cruising at sixty miles per hour on a one way street.  The window was open and fresh air rushed over my face and swept through my hair.  The air held a crisp chill to it and carried the sent of rain as the clouds darkened with the day.

My grip on the wheel was tense and my knuckles were white as my mind strayed to the hospital bed that held my father.  My mind played around this frightful place but I tried to pull it out as I turned onto a busier road.  

I felt tears prick at the corner of my eyes as I drove tears in which I hadn't let fall yet even though I know I should have. I hadn't been able to cry yet because I had to be strong for my family. If they saw me crying, saw how hopeless I felt about the situation, then they'd feel worst but now I felt the tears stronger then I'd felt them before and I wasn't sure how long I could keep them at bay.

I turned on the windshield wipers as it started to rain.  It wasn't a heavy rain, just a mist but it didn't cause me to slow in the least.  In fact, as I remembered my father's condition back at the hospital, I unconsciously sped up. 

I think this had made Taichi nervous because he reminded me of his presence by saying, "Um… maybe you should slow down before a cop pulls us over."  Yes, I had forgotten he was there.  I looked over to him and, for some reason; he looked surprised all of a sudden. 

I glanced back at the road before looking at the speed monitor and back to the road again.  I decided to slow down and pay more attention this time as I heard him heave a sigh of relief. 

I stared out of the window and turned onto a new street.  I took my one hand off the wheel and rested it on the open window while letting the tension wane from my body.  I glanced at the radio for a second, tempted to turn it on but I hadn't really needed to because, just then, a song came to mind, one in which hadn't have come to mind in a long time and without thought I found myself singing parts of it.  "…I wonder where these dreams go… when the world gets in your way…What's the point in all this screaming… no one's listening anyways…"  I hummed for a moment and I remembered prom night and the fun I had back then.  The innocence I carried and tried to remember what I thought my life would have been then. 

I wasn't surprised when I found I couldn't remember what I thought I'd be living now.  I suppose it was nothing like this.  I probably didn't even picture myself with a guy back then.

I sang another verse of the song and it came as a surprise to me when I heard my voice sounding just had it had back then. I had, kind of, expected it to change in some form or for it to be off tune since I hadn't sang this song no less any song in a while and when I did it was never much. In fact I think I've sang once in the past year.

It was then that I remembered the crowds I used to play in front of when I was younger.  The shouting fans and jumping bodies.  I remembered how the audience had looked so much like tides on the sea that I had been so tempted to jump in and let the water flow over me.  I always became so hot while on stage but it was always worth the joy that music gave me.

I remembered graduation.  My father.  He looked so proud of me.  He never thought much of cooking, probably because he didn't really know how to, but had been glad I was going to be doing something I liked.  I felt a tear travel down my cheek as I remembered him sitting there, head raised tall and a small smile over his face as he watched me out of the corner of his eye.

What happened to those days?  Why wasn't I happy… "Yamato."  Taichi's voice plunged into my thoughts.  "Pull over." He had said softly.

I did as he said and slowed the car down before stopping it at the curb and turning it off.  Taichi had reached over me and took the keys out of the ignition as I wiped the stray tear away.  "What?"  I asked as I swallowed the knot that was forming in my throat.

I felt his hand rest on my shoulder gently as I looked the opposite way out the window.  I didn't know what to expect from him since the only time we hadn't argued was when he drove me home that time and I bet the peace wouldn't have lasted if he had stayed any longer.  "Are you alright?"

I nodded.

"You don't look it."  He stated honestly.  I turned to look at him and was surprised to see the worry sketched on his face. I didn't really understand why he was worried unless maybe he had figured me out but just then I didn't care.

"I think my dad's going to die."  I don't know why I said it but, for some reason, I wanted to tell him, for him to hold me and say it was okay and that everything will get better.  I wanted for him to know and for him to care about me. Yukio couldn't do it since he was working but maybe... maybe... Taichi could.

He sighed, sorrow and understanding filled his eyes and the hand on my shoulder moved up to the hair and smoothed it back as I leaned back into the seat of the car.  He removed his seat belt with his free hand and undid mine as well.  He scooted closer to me and put his arms around me.  I leaned in to him and rested my forehead into the crook of his neck as tears started slipping out of my eyes.

"Are you okay?"  He said as his one hand rested on the small of my back and his other held the back of my head and lightly played with my hair. 

I shook my head the best I could in the position I was in.  "No."  I answered.

He sighed and the hand that rested on the small of my back moved to wrap around my waist and pull me closer, into a tighter hug.  "You and your Dad were close?"

"Yes. He was the one who raised me."

The tears trailed from my eyes to my cheek bones and because of how my head was tilted, it was there that they dripped down onto the skin of Taichi's neck. Taichi's hand continued to play with my hair and it felt so soothing that I found myself falling to sleep in his arms. I hadn't even noticed when the arm that rested along his was dropping to my side and I didn't notice as my eyes drifted shut... I was so exhausted; the emotional stress finally was leaving me as I found myself drifting to sleep. I don't know if he realized I was seconds to dream land when his voice woke me up again, but not because it was loud for it was quite soft and soothing but because it was a change from the silence that had taken over.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Yamato." He said quietly. "Whatever's happening with your father may not have a good outcome but what you feel right now, even if it's a month from now or a year from now, will go away. I know it must hurt to watch your father... leave..." he said, conscious of the words he was using, "but the pain will fade with time if you let it."

I nodded into his shoulder as the tears dried from my eyes and I realized where I had been about to fall to sleep.

I pulled away from him as much as I could go with his arms around me like that. "It's going to be okay." He told me seriously. "It'll be okay..."

I nodded and pushed away from him, feeling exhausted and ashamed for having broken down in front of him like that. I looked out the window again to notice it was pouring down harder then before.

"Yamato?"

"...Yeah?"

"... You okay to drive or do you think you're up to it." I thought about it for a moment and didn't really want to get out into the pouring rain to switch seats but I knew I was in not condition to drive.

"I think you should." He nodded and instead of me getting out, he had and I just moved over to his seat. When he got in he started the car and drove off.

Not long later we had pulled back into the lot and parked the car before he turned it off and we got out.  Taichi and I moved to the front of the vehicle where we just kind of stared at each other a moment, neither of us not so sure on what to say. Finally he found the words to spoke and said "You okay, now.  If you want I can get someone to take over for me and go back with you?"

I shook my head.  "No.  It's okay. I'm okay..."  He nodded and another silence came as the rain lightened up into the mist from earlier.  "Well," I started, not sure of what else to say, "Bye... I'll see you again."  He nodded and smiled at me. 

"Yeah.  I'll see you.  Good bye." 

I nodded my head and turned to walk away, feeling as if I should say something but I couldn't figure it out.  it wasn't until I got to the exit that I realized what I needed to say and when I turned around to see Taichi's form walking a way I shouted, "Taichi?"  I

He stopped walking turned to look at me. His eyes were squinted to protect them from the misty rain. "Yes?"

I hesitated a moment, opening my mouth a bit, trying to get the words out before shouting.  "… I don't hate you, too."

He smiled at that.  "I'm glad."

The next three days I sat, unmoving from my father's side and watched as his condition grew worst and worst. Well, maybe it was not unmoving since I had been told many times to go home and get rest.  I was not allowed to be at the hospital after nine p.m. but when I got home I could not will myself to sleep.  Every time I closed my eyes I would see him, in his hospital room struggling to breath.  Chest contracting and expanding heavily, desperate for air that he was not getting.  His neck was stretched out as much as he could. Stretching it as if this would help him breath and his mouth was held wide as his mouth seemed to try and gulp in air like someone would water.

My mother had stopped my brother from going after the fourth day since the more he was there the more nightmares plagued his dreams and I wish that I could do something to just end this misery.  My mom, over the past week, had drunk so much coffee that she was shaking and the cup she held spilled on her every now and then.

I sighed and walked to her.  "Mom."  I said as I took the coffee she held in her hand.

"Yamato, what are you doing?"  Her voice was shaky I noticed as I pried the cup from her fingers.

"I think you've had enough.  Why don't you sit down?"  I suggested.  She looked down at her shaking hands and had to agree with me as she took the seat I had been in as I went to dispose of the coffee cup.  I sighed when I realized she had been taking it black and wondered how she managed it.

After I had dumped the coffee out, I had headed back to the room.  I heard sobbing as I reached the door and when I entered Mom had her arms over my father and her face buried in his stomach while he held her the best he could, him having been awake now.  His stomach seemed to be shuddering though I was used to seeing that after two days of it.

I felt so helpless, watching my family fall to pieces for the second time in my life… Finally the seventh day past and his surgery was there. His last chance and I hoped he'd be able to live through it.

It was so weird that day too.  Not so much the day though, as my memory of the day.  I mean, I remember it fine but it seems wrong in my mind, for in my head I try to picture it and I can't remember any sounds though I can remember people talking and what they were saying.  I remember sitting in three chairs that were by this desk that led into the ER.

Doctors were moving back and forth in front of my mother, brother and me and, though I know that the shoes must have clicked on the hard hospital floor, I can't remember hearing it at the time.  I remember watching people walk by and seeing there lips moving and not hearing it.  We had waited out in the hall for a long time and finally a noise, I'm not sure which noise since I don't remember really hearing one, but there must have been one that alerted me to a doctor who was coming down the hall.  My brother remained seated while my mother and I stood up.

My mother rushed towards the doctor and must have asked how the operation went.  I saw her pale lips moving, she wore no makeup, and I remember the doctor looked pained and his lips moved though nothing I could hear came out but my mother looked so distressed and she appeared to break into a hysteric cry while my brother sat stock still and I remember I had a tremendous amount of pain enter my heart and I had wanted to die.  I had wished Yukio was there, for he could have caught me when I fell to the ground crying while my brother stayed neutral.

I remember thinking I had to be strong for my family but I couldn't stop the tears for the world… it just hurt too much.