"I Guess This is Goodbye"
Show: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst/General/Missing Scene
Pairing: Slight Shep/Teyla
Summary: Missing scenes/POVs from "Conversion". Elizabeth told all of them that it was time to give their last goodbyes to Colonel Sheppard. What were each of the characters planning on saying to him before he left them for good? One short chapter for each perspective. R&R S.V.P!
Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters, Atlantis, the Daedalus, or the SGC. But I did manage to sneak an Asgard into my closet…he followed me home from school one day.
Author's Note: Wow! You guys are the best! I didn't expect such an overwhelmingly positive response to the first chapter, but getting all of your reviews was like having Christmas every time I saw one in my in-box. Thanks so, so, so, so much for your kind words – they really motivate authors to keep up with a story. Hope that you like this one as much as Elizabeth's. I've never really written from Rodney's perspective, so I hope the voice turns out okay.
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Chapter Two: Rodney
Did you know I used to be a hypochondriac? Yeah, I know, it's kind of weird, but when I was younger, I used to think I was getting sick all of the time. And not only did I think I was getting sick, but the idea of illness terrified me – so I was a nervous wreck growing up since every cough and sniffle made me think I was dying or something. I've gotten a lot better since then – don't let Carson tell you any differently – and over time I thought I'd forgotten why I always got so freaked out by disease.
Okay, I'm really going somewhere with this, Colonel. It's just…when I look at you like this the same feeling comes back from when I was younger. I remember how it felt to be so afraid that you thought things couldn't get any worse. You've probably never felt that way before, but if you have, I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about. It's that feeling where you get so scared that you feel like nothing will ever be okay again. Your stomach pinches so hard that it hurts for days afterwards, and sometimes you feel like you have to stuff your fists in your mouth to keep from screaming or crying. I've read about what happens when you suffer a massive coronary – diagnosed myself with one once by mistake – and somehow it sounds far less painful than the cold, squeezing pressure that I have around my heart.
Did you ever feel like that?
Even looking at you now, I can't imagine you ever going through that – being so helpless and afraid that you think it would be easier to curl up in a ball somewhere and die. I mean, come on, you are John Sheppard, and I know you've been afraid. Everyone gets afraid, but being as afraid as I am right now…not possible. You're too strong and too brave and too big of a person for that. You're too…good.
The reason I'm so afraid when I look at you is that I know that you're not going to be here tomorrow. When I was little I used to be afraid that I would lose myself, and now I'm terrified that I'm going to lose a part of myself but that the rest is still going to be here to feel the aching hurt that the empty place leaves behind.
Before I came to Atlantis, you could call me a loner. I didn't want much to do with anybody, and they didn't seem to want me around either. Other people never seemed as important to me, but being here has changed things for reasons that I can't really understand – and it's a very frustrating thing not to understand something, especially something as fundamental as yourself. Now, it's like all of us are meant to be together, like we're here to do something that none of us completely understand and that all of us are a critical, important part of that something. You're not supposed to be in that hospital bed. It doesn't seem right somehow, and not just that you're dying, but the fact that you're leaving. Leaving us.
The little drippy thing that's attached to your arm just started beeping, so I think that means I have to hurry this up. Okay, what I really wanted to say was that I wish you could have known how much I respected and admired you. I know I always say things about the military and make fun of you all the time, but there's a big part of me that would love to have your bravery and your confidence and the ease with which you do everything. It doesn't mean much now, but there's a lot of you that I was almost jealous of because I saw so much in you that I wished I had. I've come to respect you a lot more than I ever thought possible, and I might even go so far as to call you a role model – but that's on a good day, so don't go getting an inflated ego on me. And when I remember that you're not going to be around in only a few hours, that queasy horrible sick feeling comes back, and that part of me that wants to be you feels like it wants to shrivel and die.
Um, I guess that's it. I know you can't hear me or understand what I'm saying, but thanks for letting me want to be a better person than I am. That's hard for me to admit, but you really did make me face who I was and realize that there are things I can and should change. And who knows? Maybe one day I'll actually manage to knock off a Wraith, and when I do, I'll be sure to dedicate it to you. Thanks, John.
TBC: Ronon
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