Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, lines from the episodes, storylines or settings. I have no affiliation with the WB network. So don't sue me 'cause you won't get anything!
A/N: HEY! Thanks for your reviews. I'm really glad that you guys liked it. So yes… sry I'm not too consistent with my updating… I can't help it. Again… school is hell. I don't make the rules… I just abide by them. One more thing… I'm setting this a year back… so instead of them being seniors they're juniors. But everything from senior year still happens (i.e. the ski trip, dive-in, prom etc…). Anyway… I hope that you enjoy this next chapter.
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Ch.2 – Your Love Don't Live Here Anymore
I got to my house a crying mess. My hair was frizzy and my clothes where soaked with sweat. Why did I have to walk home… and at the hottest point of the day no less? I sigh… I'm not in the mood to criticize myself right now. I just got my heart broken by Pacey… again… I've never felt so rejected in my life. I guess that's what I get for giving him too much of me. Maybe I shouldn't have slept with him on the ski trip… because if I hadn't maybe now I wouldn't feel so empty… feel so… dirty. Oh well, I can't take it back. I just have to deal with the fact that last weekend did happen.
I open the door and feel Bessie's eyes right on me… but I'm not in the mood to explain to her why I'm not at school right this second. I just walk up the steps to my bedroom… feeling my weight become too much to bear when I sense myself molding with the floor with each passing step. I finally make it to my room and drop my backpack. It made a loud thumping noise but I don't cringe… I knew it was going to happen. I just drop it and collapse on my bed and welcome the fresh set of tears that have finally made their way to the outside world…
When I'm with you I feel like I'm NOTHING! I feel like I'm nothing…My head quickly bolts up when those words repeat through my head. A small sob escapes me as I bury my head farther and farther into the sheets. This has got to be the worst moment of my life…
Someone knocked on my door and I choose to ignore it. If they really must talk to me then they can wait until I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I scream to them to leave but that only makes the knocking get louder. I tear myself away from the comforts of my bed and my head begins to throb. I close my eyes and my hand instinctively goes to my forehead as I wobble my way over to the door. I open it and immediately forget about the throbbing pains. The only thing that's throbbing is now my heart that's pulsing at a million miles an hour.
"Pacey…"
I look at him again… this time with more detail… wait a minute… are those… are those tears? Has Pacey Witter actually been… crying? I look into his eyes a bit confused but he quickly turns away and I can't help but feel my heart sink. After a few moments of compete awkwardness… for me at least… he turns around with slightly puffy eyes and a quivering lip. I decide to just swallow my fear and talk to him. I'm tired of being the one that just listens… now it's his turn to listen…
"Look Pacey. I really don't know what you're doing here… but don't you think you've caused my life enough damage as it is?"
I look at him with a cold expression and hope that he feels some sort of hurt from it… dammit… nothing… not even a flinch. He looks down after the words linger there for a while… untouched by his speech. Again… a couple of minutes pass of more awkward silence until he finally looks up at me and I can tell that something has really been bugging him… but that doesn't mean I'm willing to listen to him. To what he has to say…
"Jo. I'm not here to 'cause more damage'. I'm here because I just really need to talk to you."
I look at him again unbelieving his words. But I just decide to respond again… but more coldly then before.
"No one's stopping you Pace. No one ever did."
I scowl at him more as I hit that fresh spot that I dare not touch until now…
"But not like you didn't already know that. Right Pacey?"
His expression turns blank and I finally begin to feel some sort of happiness… I finally made him feel some of the enormous hurt that he has caused me. He looks down and shakes his head a bit.
"God Jo. You didn't have to be such a bitch about it."
He turns away and walks down the hallway… and yet again I'm left here feeling like a moron for letting him get away for the third time. I put my hand on the door for support when my face begins to scrunch up and I feel new tears that are just about ready to show their ugly faces. But I won't let anyone else see them so I slowly close my door and just crumble into the sheets all over again as I let my heart and soul pour out onto them.
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After Pacey left yesterday I was alone with my thoughts. I began to blame myself for everything… and I think that I'm right. I mean… if I had just been a good girlfriend like he wanted then we wouldn't be in this situation. I feel like I let him down. After that long and painful discovery I picked up my Walkman and put in an all too familiar CD that had never really had much meaning in my life… but as fate would have it it couldn't more right on. That's probably what kills me most. So today I'm again carrying my Walkman listening to the same song over and over again. I hum it on my way to my locker and I again see Pacey there waiting. I really don't want to talk to him though. I know I shouldn't but the only thing I want to do now is just push him away from me and be a 'bitch' as he worded it so delicately earlier. I walk up to my locker and squeeze between him and the piece of metal. My heart beats faster at the proximity. My plan starts to deteriorate when I feel his breath on my neck. I can barely remember the words… but then something broke me out of my trance.
"Jo…"
He breathed into my ear and I knew that I had to end this now. We couldn't be like this. After he just broke up with me. I listened harder to my music and tried to forget that Pacey was right behind me. The words started coming to me and I began to sing them louder and louder…
"…Seems like I lose myself
But then the answer comes
Just when you let the Anastasia wear off my friend
You realize what's been done
But I don't regretThat I had the chance to
Have a little fun
So far I've learned
That without fear
Life's a lot more exciting
There's no words
Not one decision that I take back
Not one verse that's worth re-writing
So stand up strait
And dream out loud
Stars can't read you
When your hiding
Seems like I lose myself
But then the answer comes
Just when you let the Anastasia wear off my friend
You realize what's been done…"
I get torn away from my song when Pacey quickly turns me around and looks at me… he looks at me so defeated… like nothing that he tries will work. I didn't mean to do it but suddenly I couldn't resist the urge to touch him. The backside of my hand gently stroked his cheek… when he felt my touch his eyes immediately curled back. I couldn't believe that I had this effect on him. But I couldn't let him win. I had to let him know that he gave me up… and because of that neither of us could be happy. I moved my hand away and he opened his eyes confused as to why I wasn't still touching him. He searched my eyes pleadingly but I wouldn't let him in. I know that if I do then I'll never make him see…
"I thought I made you feel like nothing Pace…"
And just like that I'm gone. I have to admit… that was a pretty good exit. I know this is just making matters all worse but I really don't know any other way… if I do this then at least he'll know how much he hurt me. But I can't do this forever. I can't keep playing this game with him. I need to leave… and I need to leave now. I really don't care about the grades… I don't care about getting into college… all that matters now is getting as far away from Pacey Witter as possible.
I just can't make myself face him everyday. I don't know how I'd do it. Besides… I need to get on with my life and how am I supposed to do that when my ex-boyfriend is always going to be somewhere in the background… watching me. Besides… I think I've done a pretty good job of making him hate me so I don't think that I'd like to watch him date other girls for our last year of high school.
And yes… I know that leaving Capeside would mean giving up my dreams forever but… I can't let myself stay here. I can't be around him everyday and ever expect to get over this. There's just no way…
I'm still walking the halls and I decide to look back at him… just to see if he's gone… hope that he's gone. But he's not.
God… he's looking at me again. I can't take it. Why does he have to look at me with those amazing eyes whenever I contemplate leaving?
I quickly turn around again and my head automatically falls to the ground as I scurry away.
Goodbye Pacey… I'll miss you…
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I decided to skip school again and cut out early. This time though I cut out especially early. I was just about to walk into my first class but then realized that if I didn't leave this second that I'd never find the courage to let it all go. So I passed my classroom door by and headed out the main ones. For the first time I walked out of those doors and I felt… free.
I felt that I was finally rid of all this pressure… all this stress and all this drama. There was a new world that was waiting for me… a world that had nothing to do with Pacey or Dawson or my grades… nothing mattered anymore… just me.
I began to smile… finally happy that I was free… finally free. I ran to the grass and let my backpack fall to the ground as I spun around time after time… just enjoying my liberty. I stopped spinning around and fell to the ground breathing heavily and gazing up at the sky… when I looked at the sky I saw all of my possibilities laid out before me…
But then… god… then I saw Pacey… Pacey staring at me saddened at my absence… saddened that I had left him forever. But then… then I saw him smile… like he was happy that I was gone. My eyes began to sting and I could just feel the moisture collect as my vision became foggy. He was finally rid of me.
"You finally got your way Pacey. I love you so much but I guess we just aren't meant to be. I guess we just… I guess our love wasn't strong enough… my love wasn't strong enough…"
I sobbed for a few minutes before I finally regained my composure and started my long trek home.
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I make it home in one piece. I'm surprised. My eyes are watery and my clothes are again saturated though… I'm thankful that Bessie is taking her morning nap before the B&B gets hectic. I creep up the stairs and quickly empty my backpack of it's contents. I ran around my room and I swear it looked like a hurricane came through there… I grabbed as much as I could before I closed my door one final time…
I went out to the kitchen and grabbed a note pad. I grabbed a pen and began to write…
Dear Bessie,
Hey sis. This is a really hard thing for me to do… I don't even know what to write. I guess all there is to say is that I'm leaving and that I'm never coming back. I can't. I can't face this life… I just need to leave Capeside and I need to leave Pacey. I know that you think this is totally immature but you have to realize… I'm never going to get over Pacey if I stay here… my life will become a depression… the only things I would do would be eat, sleep and go to school. I would spend my time in my room just thinking about what I did wrong and how I could've done better. That's not the life I want to lead Bess. So I'm leaving. I'm taking the car and going to the train station. It'll be in the parking lot so don't worry about it. And please…don't try to stop me… because I won't be stopped. There is no stopping me now. I love you always and I'll miss you big sis.
Your baby sister always,
Joey
I placed the note on the table as another tear escaped me. I stood from the table and was about to walk away. But something stopped me… I sat back down at the table and took another note and began to write furiously…
Dear Pacey,
Hey Pace. When you get this I'll be gone from your life forever. I'm sorry that I was such a bitch to you. I didn't know any other way of letting myself get over you… which I now know is impossible. Once you fall for Pacey Witter there's no going back. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you and I'm sorry about the way we worked out in the end. I really thought that you were it for me. I wanted you to be it for me. I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you… love you. I can't stand to be near you and know that I was the one that drove us apart. I'm just sorry that I didn't realize it sooner so that I could reverse it. I hope that my leaving will make your life easier. It won't be an easy task saying goodbye to us but I know that I have to. And I'm not just leaving for you… I'm leaving for me. I need to be free… I need to live my life and get away from you. Being near you but not being with you makes my heart break… it brakes over and over and over again and I'm afraid that eventually there won't be any left and I'll just shrivel up and die. Because that's what I want to do Pacey… I want to die… I can't imagine my life without you… but that's what I have to do. I have to get away from you. I love you with my whole heart and I think I always will. So I hope that your life works out well for you. I hope you meet a girl that won't make you feel the way you felt around me and I hope that you make a nice life for yourself. You know… a wife… kids… a nice house… a good job. But I'd like you to do me one favor… never forget about me… never forget about the love that we share for each other… because it's precious… it doesn't happen everyday. When you look back at us I don't want you to scowl… I want you to smile. So smile Pacey… this will all be better if you just smile…
Yours forever,
Jo
I placed the note for Bessie neatly on the table and I folded up the one for Pacey and wrote the one word that symbolized the entire reason I was leaving… Pacey. I grabbed the note to Bessie and scribbled something down before finally closing the door to this life and opening the door to the next. I'll miss it… but I need to do this for me or else I'll never get my life back.
I'll miss you Pace…
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Reviews are very much appreciated! If you have any questions or anything I'll answer them in the beginning of the next chapter! Also I would really appreciate some constructive criticism (if you have any that is). THNX FOR READING MY FIC!
Hey! I'm probably going to update this again sometime this weekend… but I'm not making any promises… I just know where I want this story to go and it excites me greatly. :) I hope you guys have enjoyed this so far! Don't worry! There will be A LOT of drama coming ahead. I'll give you some spoilers… I guess… it would be much more fun if I just kept you in the dark but I have to give you SOMETHING to look forward to.
- Joey finally says goodbye to Capeside and finds herself searching for a job… AT A BAR? Since when do they let 16-year-olds work at a bar? YOU'LL FIND OUT NEXT TIME!
- An unexpected surprise throws Joey way off track… but you'll have to wait to find out what that surprise is! ;)
- And don't worry kiddies! Pacey will be in the story… he might not show up next chapter since that's mainly about Joey. But Pacey is far from being gone from Joey's life…
THANK YOU AGAIN FOR READING MY FAN FICTION!