A/N: I can't really say I like Csara. I really don't. ASPITO here hates her.

Aspito: She stole my peacock feather look. Hate her. Kill her.

A/N: After a few more chapters, you CAN. Maybe even the reviewers will get to play a part in the climax…

Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist (Hagane No Renkinjitsu) is copywrite Hiromu Arakawa, Square Enix Co., LTD, Funimation, Aniplex, BONES, and MBS, and is not the respective property of MoonDeity or any of her aliases.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Outmoded Mary Sue Ficcie of Poo

Chapter II:

"Slow-Mo"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, as all good romance stories go, they usually begin with a bright and breezy summer day, finches warbling, and sun shining in its zenith. This is not a good romance story.

The day was bleak, miserable, and utterly torturous to the angstful. It was pouring down rain, sleet, and hail, the clouds were ink black above, it was cold enough to see your breath and piss your name in the snow.

To make matters worse, this was during flu season, the heater was busted in the Central command, and everyone was sniffling and sneezing and coughing inside the freezing office. The people of the military and of the town were horribly wet, chilled to the bone, sick as dogs, and outright miserable.

Except for this guy.

He's happy.

See him driving his truck? He wears a red plaid shirt underneath overalls and a trucker's hat, and he's puttering around town with a pick up truck full of corn. Why is he here, and where is he from?

The corn trucker is from Indiana. If you'll look on a map or a globe or in an atlas, you will find a state shaped like a sock in between mitten Michigan and Tennessee that looks like a wood splinter.

This is Indiana.

If you ever drove through it, you'll have probably fallen asleep, or gone insane from claustrophobia—corn walls you in on all sides. If you've skirted the boarder, you would've noticed how on your side, it's amiably flat with grass.

Looming over on the Indiana side…is corn. Like a gigantic jungle permeating deep into unknown territory, it frightened away the first settlers crossing the Ohio River, and remained recently undiscovered until the far-off year of 2005 A.D.

Why is he happy? Because, dear reader, of the corn. Corn, as we all know, is the reason we have cars, buildings, electricity, and dogs. Corn is the life-blood of the earth, space, and flowed through the veins of Jesus.

Wasn't bread he broke at the last supper. No. Corn.

Since corn is so vital to society in every single way, please take a moment to scrutinize the following phrase:

Are you feeling forlorn?

Then eat some corn.

Is your world full of scorn?

Then eat some corn.

Are you sitting around regretting the day you were born?

Then eat some corn.

If Homer of Greece had known this phrase long ago, he would not be confused with that doughnut munching zhlub we see on Fox.

With this in mind, it cannot be very hard to guess why the corn trucker was here in town. For in Amestris, it is not every day you see a sunshiny hick driving through town, whistling to "Weird Al Yankovic" on the radio, and plotting how he's going to get past the highway weight stations. No, Corn Trucker was here to drive out the forlornness, bring joy, and have the people of Central indulge IN CORN!

Pop!

Fffffssssshhhhh….

What was that?

Oh, gasp, the corn trucker's tire has mysteriously gone flat! He's having trouble controlling his truck on the slick road! Oh, god, corn is going everywhere! His brakes are screeching, he's turning the wheel frantically! He's going off the side of the road! Oh, god! No, not the cow!

CRASH!

The corn trucker's trucking corn truck has smashed into the side of a building, burning corn littering everywhere. A charred pair of overalls flutters from the air, and lands ceremoniously on the dented hood. Then, it explodes into a fiery burst of atomic flame.

Damn.

There goes the corn trucker.

But wait! A mystery is afoot! Who could've slashed the corn trucker's tire, causing him to swerve off the road and spill the precious commodity? Le gasp twice! Csara is walking leniently down the street, her magical middle finger…slightly smoking? SCANDELOUS!

For you see, Csara does not want a mindless hick from Indiana to bring healing about to Central. She does not want the chilled alchemists to feast upon delectable roast corn. No! She wants to hog all the healing for herself, therefore exalting and making herself a goddess in all their eyes. MORONIC IMMORAL FEINT!

Now that the corn trucker was out of the picture, Csara was able to walk down the street and remain the center of attention. Every person she passed, she emitted a wave of warmth and comfort, causing suffering rheumy-eyed men to stop and stare.

As coincidence (or maybe conspiracy) had it, the Full Metal Alchemist Edward Elric was walking down the street in the opposite direction to Csara.

Ed was suffering from a cold as the rest of the others, chills racking his body and suffering from having to stop and sneeze wetly into the side of his sleeve. Freezing and miserable, he really envied Al, anchored to steel as he was, could not feel the cold. His coat was sopping wet, and he really was starting to look like a dog of the military, a wet and shivering one, at that.

Now Csara had spotted her prey. A trembling individual, looking for comfort, sick and feverish, and devilishly handsome. All. Too. Perfect. It was time to work her Mary Sue magic.

As she glided down the street toward him, his eyes, so sick and tired, looked up to behold her face, and they widened. She was shimmering, radiant, with sparkling little lights and fairies surrounding her dazzling face. He stopped in his tracks, let his jaw go slack, and stared as her face glimmered and glittered, and everything sloooooooooooooweeeedd down.

Yeah.

This is what happens when annoying girls make an obnoxious entrance and everything stops so we can all notice how freaking pretty they look.

In this case, where everything about Csara is overdone, this slow motion is…incredibly slow. Like insanely slow. She's not even finished with a step. See? Look at that…Jesus. How self-absorbed can you be?

What a crock of crap this is.

We're going to be here a while.

As this was going on, a guy who inexplicably didn't get sick, and who was walking next to Ed and Al on the street, suddenly looked up and noticed that the rain wasn't hitting his face as hard as usual.

Hm, he thought, staring up at the slow moving raindrops, and not noticing Csara and Ed as her hair flipped out magically from the base of her neck. It's like that wigger McDonald's commercial I saw the other day. Dude! Slo-mo! Spankin'!

He started to move and experiment with this new feat of motion. Like, it's on the movie Clockstoppers! Or Clockwatchers? Oh, this is awesome! I can, like, jump up and swim through the air! I've always wanted to do that!

The guy now proceeded to leap up in the air. When he didn't crash down to the ground, he began to mimic the free-style stroke, his limbs moving comically as if they had heavy weights tied to them. He was floating in midair paddling like some sort of retarded beagle, as Csara brushed past Ed with her sparkles.

Then, all in one sudden moment, time was restored, Csara shot past Edward, Ed's neck snapped around and he slammed face-first into a stop sign, and the guy fell to the pavement with a bam!, and laid there facedown.

But no one paid any attention to him, as Csara turned majestically and noticed Ed clutching his nose and whimpering.

"Oh, my, are you alright, sir?" her voice, so beautiful that people raised their heads and looked for the source, reached Ed's ears and made him feel warm in his tummy. Quite unlike the warmth he experienced after eating Mustang's cooking.

Csara flounced over to him and helped him stop the bleeding in his nose. Of course, this took no time at all, seeing how she was special and healing and whatnot. As she was finished, Ed looked into her sparkling eyes and felt the breath be sucked out of his lungs.

"Hello," Csara smiled sexily in a way that made the sun come out. "My name is Csara. Are you that deviously hunky alchemist they call Edward Elric, who is one of the tallest men in Central and the smartest?"

Well, as we all know, this would win Ed over in an instant like Rome wins over Greece any day. Ed smiled stupidly, took her by the shoulders, and flung her into a passionate kiss that surprisingly wasn't that well executed. I'd think Ed could French better, but apparently not.

After he was done, Csara gave a half-hearted smile, and hoped he would be better in bed. Ed put his arm around her, felt his cold instantly ebb away, and walked with her down the street headed toward the Central Military Headquarters.

Now hold the phone! Something is amiss! Where is Alphonse? Abandoned and standing alone in the rain, poor baby. His hands were folded and he was waiting politely for Ed to finish his business with Csara, and then he just winged off and LEFT HIM! NEGLIGENT UNJUSTIFIABLE SITUATION!

Now that Csara has Edward in her clutches, and headed toward the Central headquarters, what will happen to Alphonse standing alone and unsupervised on Central's streets? What will happen when Csara gets exposed to Roy Mustang and the other members of the military? Is the corn trucker really dead?

Find out on the next episode of Record of Mary Sue War! I will fight to exterminate the Mary Sue with all my life!

---------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: For those who didn't get the closing joke, that's what Parn says on every episode preview of the 13-episode anime Record of Lodoss War. It sounds really cheesy every time, and it just made me laugh.

Original was, "I will fight to defend Lodoss with all my life!"

…yeah, that was pretty lame.