MY BAD

Chloe met Lana at the Talon to help her pack. It seemed that she wasn't the only one Lex had fallen afoul with lately. Chloe was still unsure if Lana was moving out on her own, or if Lex had summarily evicted her. Either way, Chloe had a roommate again.

"Hello?" she called, as she pushed open the apartment door. "To facilitate your move, I've brought pizza. It's a fundamental requirement of any relocation."

Lana didn't respond. She didn't even look up as Chloe entered. Instead she sat on the edge of her sofa looking as if someone had hit her in the back of the head with a board. Chloe set the pizza and a six-pack of soda down on the kitchenette counter. She stepped warily into the living room because, after all, this was Smallville and there was a good chance Lana could turn into a flesh-eating meteor mutant.

Good-bye pizza, hello Chloe-burger.

"Lana?"

There was a pause, a blink, and Lana whispered. "It's pink."

Chloe arched a brow. She hadn't seen Lana wearing pink in ages. After Paris, pink had become the anti-color to be purged from one's wardrobe at all costs. Right now Lana was wearing a navy blue t-shirt and jeans. No pink was in sight.

"I beg your pardon? What's pink?"

Lana looked up at her. "The stick. The stick turned pink?"

"Oohkaaaaaaayeeeee…."

"I peed on the stick and it turned pink."

It took Chloe a minute, primarily because she was surprised that Lana would be so forthcoming about her bathroom habits. Even when they'd lived together before Lana had almost been – stealthy – about relieving herself. The words "pee" and "stick" fluttered around in Chloe's head until coming together in an epiphany that nearly knocked her off her feet. No wonder Lana looked so stunned.

"You're pregnant!"

Lana sat poised on the edge of a breakdown – because answering the question would confirm what she was trying to avoid admitting to herself. She choked out a "yes."

"Is it." Please say no. "Clark's?"

Lana shot Chloe a "look" before getting up from the sofa. She began to pace, wringing her hands together as she spoke.

"Of course it's Clark's!"

"Well I thought, maybe Jason…." Chloe's shoulders slumped. "I don't know what I thought."

"Ew", may have been in there somewhere.

"What?" Lana stopped and stared at her. "What was that look?"

"What look?"

"You looked grossed out."

"Sorry, I just…kinda got a vision of the chest popping scene from Aliens in my head," Chloe blurted. She winced sympathetically.

"You're not funny, Chloe." Lana turned away from her and went into the kitchenette, rummaging around in a box for a couple of plates for their pizza.

"I wasn't trying to be," Chloe whispered under her breath.

Oh, man. Clark is going to freak.

"So what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to call my doctor, make an appointment. Try to confirm it." Lana put the plates down and leaned heavily against the counter. "Don't say anything, Chloe."

"Okay," Chloe said uneasily. "I won't say anything."

"First word, first syllable," Clark said. He was sitting on a hay bale in the loft, with Shelby sitting next to him. When he gave Chloe his confused puppy look, the dog copied it. Under another circumstance it might have been funny. "Chloe why are we playing charades?"

"Work with me Clark." She continued to make sawing motions. "Come on."

He sighed. "Saw?"

Chloe nodded and cupped her ear.

"Sounds like saw? Maw? Caw? Taw…."

Frowning, Chloe stopped her mad gesturing and stared at him. "Taw? What the hell is 'taw'?"

"I tot I taw a puddy cat."

"Clark!"

He laughed. "Okay. Hmm…paw. Law….law? Law. Okay. First word, first syllable is 'law.' "

Nodding vigorously, Chloe made gestures for the second syllable. Clark gave a long-suffering sigh. Shelby sighed too, and lay down on the floor. He watched Chloe intently as if waiting for her bouncing around to somehow manifest itself into treat dispensing. Clark scratched is elbow and wrinkled his nose in thought.

"Okay, second syllable. Sounds like…."

Chloe shook her head. Then she shook her head and pointed at herself shaking her head.

"No?"

She made "more" gestures.

"Ney? Naught? Nada. Nah….nah? Law-nah? Lana!" Clark frowned. "Lana? What about Lana?"

With a sigh, Chloe made a sweeping gesture from breast to crotch.

See, I'm not saying a WORD. Promise kept.

Clark blinked at her. "Huh?"

Rolling her eyes, Chloe made the gesture again.

"Fat? Lana is fat?"

God in heaven, is he really THAT obtuse?

Chloe repeated the gesture a third time, but added to it the motion of rocking a baby in her arms. She pantomimed giving it a bottle and cooing at it. Coupled with the first gesture the concept was unmistakable.

And of course, this time Clark got it. His eyes widened. His mouth popped open, closed, popped open again.

He looks like a fish.

Chloe's amusement didn't last long, for after that every bit of color drained out of Clark's face until he looked as white as a clown in full make-up.

"Clark?"

Danger Will Robinson, his eyes are rolling back.

"Clark!" Chloe rushed forward, grabbed a handful of hair, and shoved his head between his knees. Shelby stood up and started barking at her. Chloe growled back and the dog cowered.

Clark's voice was muffled. "I'm going to be sick."

"Not on my watch. You just keep your head down."

"Chloe…."

"I promised I wouldn't say anything."

Clark jerked his head up, nearly taking Chloe out in the process. "So you made me play charades!"

"Well…I thought you should maybe have advance warning, considering the whole not-human, alien from another planet thing you've got going." She stepped back as he stood up and walked away from her. "It may or may not be true. It was one of those tests from a box, and she said the stick was pink but I thought it looked sort of purple…."

There was a groan from the father-to-be.

"Well, uh…look at the bright side, Clark. Technically speaking you were human when you…you know…conceived. I mean, like, we've never really covered whether or not your race looks human or if you really look like a gelatinous blob of orange goo…." Waving a hand, Chloe took a seat on the hay bale he'd just departed. "If you were human then she probably won't have a tentacle come out of…."

"Chloe!"

"I'm upset!" Chloe shouted back. "I'm in gibber mode!"

"You're upset!" Clark grabbed double fistfuls of his hair. "My parents are going to KILL me."

"At least Nell won't come after you with a shotgun, or if she does, it'll bounce right…."

"Chloe!"

"Gibbering!"

"Aaaugh!"

"Clark, calm DOWN. We're not even sure yet."

"She peed on the stick! It turned pink!"

"You're hysterical."

"DAMN STRAIGHT I'M HYSTERICAL!"

Chloe crossed her arms over her chest with a frown.

Clark sat, rather abruptly, and put his head between his knees again. Shelby ducked under one of Clark's legs to lick him in the face.

"I'm doomed," he said, muffled. "Tie me to a chunk of Kryptonite and toss me in Crater Lake."

"Lana has a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Wait until she gets those tests results back before you do anything drastic."

Clark raised his head. "And if they come back positive?"

Chloe bit her lip. "Then maybe you should start thinking of baby names. Nicholas is nice."

"You're a real help."

"Just keep in mind - I don't do diapers."

Clark ducked his head again with a groan.

"I'm not pregnant," Lana blurted.

Chloe sighed. "Oh good."

"Yeah," Lana mumbled. She bit her lip and nodded. "Yeah, that's a good thing, right?"

"Lana…." Chloe said warningly. "You and Clark are waaaay far away from that kind of responsibility."

I know Clark is. If he's slept a wink in three days I'll be surprised. And I didn't know it was humanly - or not humanly - possible to eat that many boxes of Ding Dongs in one sitting.

"Yeah, I still…I still think he's keeping something from me, Chloe and..." She paused. "And he's been very…withholding lately."

"With…" Frowning, Chloe struggled to figure out what she meant. When realization dawned, she couldn't help but blush. "Maybe he's having a problem with…." She made an "up-down" gesture with one finger. "You know?"

"Isn't he a little young for Viagra?" Lana laughed. "And no, I know for a fact that's not the problem. Ever since he got hurt he's been very reluctant to go any further than making out."

Chloe had another "tentacle" moment and grossed herself out.

"Maybe, considering the scare you just had, that's a good thing."

"I think the condom broke," Lana said absently. "He's good at busting…."

"Ack!" Chloe held up a hand. "Too much information. Tell me any more and I'll embarrass myself looking at his crotch every time I'm around him."

"You do anyway, Chloe."

"I do not!" She really blushed this time. "Okay, maybe once or twice, but I am definitely not treading into your territory, I swear!"

Lana scowled. "My territory is somewhat dysfunctional at the moment."

"So are you really, relieved?"

There was a long pause as Lana considered this. "Yeah, I think I am. Maybe one day though…." She smiled dreamily.

Chloe, meanwhile, thought of toddlers who could set things on fire with their eyeballs.

"Yeah," she muttered. "Have fun with that."