A/N: "We haven't had any tea for a week. The bottom is out of the universe."

--R. Kipling

Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist (Hagane No Renkinjitsu) is copywrite Hiromu Arakawa, Square Enix Co,. LTD, Funimation, Aniplex, BONES and MBS, and is not the respective property of MoonDeity or any of her aliases.

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Outmoded Mary Sue Ficcie of Poo

Chapter VI:

Conjoining

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"Cough,…cough…hack, GAG, BLAAEAGHHUAHHH!"

Heads turned toward the source of the disgusting sound, and were rewarded with the scene of a young woman with inky black skin and silver hair clasping her throat and coughing out her extra-terrestrial lungs.

"IRKSOME REPUGNANT EARTH AIR!"

Cyn snapped on a mask inlayed with lead and nitrogen and moved through the slightly weirded out Amestrian crowd. Having descended from the mountain after almost getting raped by Scar, Cyn found the air of the Amestrians horribly clean, pure, and oxygen filled.

Now she was in Central and dearly missing her cherished carbon monoxide atmosphere and dry ice climate temperature.

"I swear to Belldandy, if this wasn't for the obliteration of a Mary Sue, I SO would be back at Olympus Mons riding my tripod across the desert. Niggling yob…"

She sighed and stamped down her boot, stopping in the middle of the street.

"Alright," she said. "Here we are. The entrance to the bloody park. Filled with…" her eye twitched. "Vindictive oxygen-spewing trees." She spat the last word as if it was a glob of Nebraska beef jerky.

Holding her breath, Cyn closed her dark eyes and passed through the archway leading into the park. After the rainstorm, it was wonderfully fresh, beautiful, clean, birds were singing, and people were chattering amiably as they strolled down the glistening paths.

Cyn was wishing that a mountain would drop on her and end it all.

Half crawling, half walking, she made her way over to a circle of trees and dropped with a plop on the wet ground.

After a short time, leaves crackled, dark boots made moist imprints in the saturated ground, and Evadne approached the Martian woman disinterestedly holding a black umbrella.

"I brought you your nitrogen breather, slipshod little yegg of a space invader," she said, tossing over a black capsule shaped object and hitting Cyn in the forehead. She snatched it up and inserted it in the back of her black mouth, silver eyes brightening as the mechanical device translated the oxygen into a nice mix of sulfur and other noxious gasses.

"Bloody frig, I feel so much better!" she cried, stretching her arms.

Evadne narrowed her eyes.

"Does it look like I have an interest? No, now where the shimmy is Dru, she should be here. Where did you teleport her anyway? And NEVER make me wear those rudimentary clothes again. They made me look like a virgin English teacher."

Cyn, who wasn't listening, said arbitrarily, "Hey, do all men who live on mountains attempt to rape you through your spine? Because a really imprudent one just did, like five minutes ago before I enigmatically appeared on the Central streets."

Evadne sighed, gaining control of herself.

"I don't know. I don't care. Where. Is. Dru."

"What I want to know…" Cyn frowned at an adorable chipmunk making its way across the forest floor and disintegrated it brusquely with her ray gun. "…is where are the guys I called from LEW?"

Evadne raised an eyebrow.

"Why'd you…?" then a little light bulb clicked on above her. "Wait…you didn't…you didn't call…who I thought you called…?"

As if an answer, a dime fell out of the sky, hit Evadne on the top of her head, and went down her shirt.

"Shit."

The wind began to pick up, and somewhere in the distance, trumpets picked up a tempo playing in G major, and bassoons chimed in allegro. In front of Cyn and Evadne, in a shower of glittering, shimmering, dimes that whirled around in two mini tornados….

…cleared out and there stood two incredibly short men with disarming smiles on their faces.

They were identical in every way, to their spiky hair, the gold earrings in their right lobe, to the socks on their feet and caricature wings sprouting from their backs. They stood casually with their hands in their pockets, smiling eerily, not moving at all.

Evadne sweatdropped.

Cyn tore apart another adorable rodent.

And in a flash, the one and only Random Object Faeries leapt upon the two woman and immodestly started groping their butts and breasts with a dynamism incomparable in zest to Semiramis, Cleopatra, or Messalina.

"SANCTIFIED MONGOLIAN DRYADS! GET OFF!"

A blast from Evadne's magical chain cleared them off the two women. The twins flipped around in the air and fluttered comically before them, slightly singed.

"Now, now, Evadne…" they spoke together as if they were Siamese. "There's nothing wrong with a friendly greeting!"

Evadne completely ignored them and started to beat up Cyn.

"WHY'D YOU CALL THEM! EVERY SKUNKING VISIT FROM JIM AND JAMES IS INSUFFERABLE! WE EITHER END UP GETTING RAPED, GROPED, OR WRONGFULLY SUCKED IN CARNAL PLACES! I'M GONNA BUTCHER YOU, MARTIAN!"

"Oi, what's going on?"

Alphonse and Dru appeared in the clearing. Al was looking disheveled but extremely happy, and Dru was sucking on the lapel of a fleece jacket Al had given her, holding him by the wrist and struggling to put her arm through the sleeve.

Cyn and Evadne stopped in mid-tussle, Evadne having a fistful of Cyn's hair and Cyn pressing up against Evadne's face in self-defense.

"'Ey, what'd I tell yah, insensate magician," Cyn said to Evadne. "She'd be here in no time!"

"You never told me that," Evadne said taxingly. "And if you call me insensate again I'm wrenching your head from your neck. Dru, where have you be—"

But Evadne didn't get time to finish, as Jim and James knocked her into a tree and bounced over to Dru, arms reaching out and fingers in groping mode…and Dru and Alphonse easily sidestepped them and they flew right past, across the pathway, and into a nest of hobos.

"Eh…eh….uhn…"

Dru flapped her arm pathetically, let go of Alphonse's wrist, and began wrestling with the jacket.

"Here, baby, let me do…" Alphonse reached out, but Dru waved the sleeve at him.

"Nuuu, nuu, lemme do it, LEMME DO IT, I wanna do it!" And with that, she twisted around, tangled the sleeves only further, and fell with a thud to the grassy floor where she writhed around, kicking her feet up in the air, flopping about as she tried to get herself detached from the suffocating grip of fleece.

Alphonse, Evadne, and Cyn stood inexpressively over her while Jim and James were being ripped apart over to the right by nefarious hobo botanists.

"I see Dru hasn't changed," Cyn commented to Al after about 30 minutes of watching Dru confuse herself. "Why was she holding you by the wrist instead of the hand?"

Alphonse shrugged sheepishly, saying, "She won't hold my hand. She likes my wrists better. She claims they have an amusing texture and pretty blue veins."

"Ah."

The trio watched Dru writhe for a few more minutes before Evadne commented,

"Hey, aren't we supposed to be doing something?"

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Ed and Csara stepped off the train and into the fresh air of Central, after their botched and deeply confusing trip to Resembool.

"I've got no idea why we even went there in the first place," Ed commented as he held Csara's hand and walked down the street. "We pretty much wasted, like, 48 hours of our lives right there."

"Mmm," Csara commented, too interested in a budding prospect for ardor and lust. "Hey, Ed, take me into the park!"

"OKAY!" Ed shouted, and sprinted down the sidewalk and into the very park that encompassed our group of very kaleidoscopic Mary Sue exterminators.

They walked serenely down the path underneath the slick trees, branches hanging heavy with rainwater. They stopped underneath a dripping pear tree, full in bloom, flowery boughs hanging down to encase the pair in a very sappy and shoujo-ish nest.

"Csara…" Ed said, taking her hands in his, eyes glimmering and staring deeply into her own exquisite orbs. "I just want to you to know that I love you no matter what, and you're the most beautiful, delicate, refined, flawless thing in the universe."

Crappy crack-Mozart was starting to play in the background.

"Oh, Ed…" Csara smiled. "I know…"

Ed parted his lips and leaned forward, Csara closed her eyes and ascended…

…and it all SLOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWEEEEED down.

Oh, yeah.

Here we go again.

Now, as you keen lot already know, wherever there is the magical slow-mo, the fantastic guy of slow-mo resiliency will probably appear.

Well, there he is three feet away from Edward and Csara, holding a leash and watching his dog take an exceptionally slow crap.

He looked up, turned his head around to view the world, and thought, Aw, shiz, here we go again.

This has to be getting very annoying for him, happening twice in one week. And naturally he would have a bit of trepidation, for the last time this happened, he freaking cracked his nose open on the sidewalk. And having learned from his mistakes, he elected to stay in the same spot until the world sped up again and all was well.

Well…this didn't really work out.

Standing in the same spot as a Mary Sue slow-moed was going to get very boring. Especially one like Csara, who can't stand being out of the spotlight for more than thirty seconds at a time.

So he was standing there, watching his beagle take his agonizingly indolent shit. Watching poo slide out the butt of his dog was disturbing at first. Very disturbing.

But after watching it for an hour or couple, the guy began to realize many long-asked questions dwelling on the palate of humanity for centuries. Simply by watching the anal rectum in action, he dawned upon answers to the meaning of life, the fate of the universe, the meaning of peace.

Pretty amazing for a carnal function whose name induces sporadic giggling among first-graders.

Now, after a couple dozen more hours of not moving and time not changing, he thought how pointless it was, and left the park to get a doughnut, watch a historical documentary, re-arrange his bathroom tiles, write a book on the meaning of life, wrestle an alligator, excavate Troy, have lunch in Atlantis, buy a pair of suspenders, learn where cinnamon comes from, eat a burrito on top of a Japanese bus, get his butt stuck in a trash can, locate the legendary Flying Stick, steal a politician's pants, discover the Fountain of Youth in an Alabama gas station, pollute the Orinoco and grow an herb garden.

After all that, he returned to the park and discovered things still had not changed.

Just when he felt like tearing his hair out and blowing up whoever wrote him into the story, he heard voices.

"Ah-hah! See that, Evadne! Disconcerting anal dawdle in the time-space continuoum! Told ya they'd be in this exact place!"

"Um, yeah, when did you notice that, Cicero? Only's been going on ad infinitum about this place. They're over there, by the way."

To the guy's shock, a troupe of fantastically weird people stepped into the clearing. One was a woman with shock-black skin and silver hair. Another female was clothed in a fantastical gown, pale as the moon. There were two short men with butterfly wings and socks on their feet, a normal looking boy with short cut hair, and a young lady clad in leather impossibly tangled in a jacket. He quickly hid behind a tree.

"Dru, how the hell did you braid that jacket?" asked the dark-skinned woman, turning to the leather-clad girl. Dru blinked densely, squirmed inside the twisted mess, and looked up with a pouty look on her face.

"Ach, never mind. Here they are."

The troupe stopped, and the young man shouted, "BROTHER!"

"Damn, that's the Mary Sue," said the pale skinned woman. "One of the worst I've seen so far." She spat with antipathy on the scantily clad woman kissing a rather short character in red. "Whose got the Clicker?"

"DRU'S GOT THE CLICKIE!" Dru shrieked, and, twisting around in her coat, which had gotten to resemble a straightjacket, produced a small key-chained thing that looked like a Tamagotchi. It reminded the man that he'd forgotten to feed his today.

"Thanks, illeist," the pale skinned woman said sarcastically, catching the keychain. She clicked it, there was an ear-piercing BEEP, and the entire world caught up at once.

The dog's poop fell out of his butt, and Csara, who was caught totally off guard, fell onto Ed, knocking him and her onto the ground and drowning his face in her boobs. Csara jumped up from the Fullmetal, incensed, and looking around wildly.

"Who…why…WHAT!"

The pale-skinned woman smiled, twirling the Clicker around her index finger.

"Hi, toots," she said deviously. "How'd you like your first taste of the Mary-Sue-Slow-Mo-Eliminator? Also called the Clicker, but choose whichever foil you want. The effect is all the same."

She stepped forward from the circle, approaching the bamboozled histrionic airhead.

"My name's Evadne," she said, placing her fingers on her chest. "And I'm one of the lucky folks who gets to kick your maudlin ass into space!"

"I'M AN OCCULT TRADITION!" Dru shrieked randomly, completely spoiling the moment and sullying the coolness.

Evadne looked as if she was about to commit arsony.

The black-skinned woman was oblivious.

The shorthaired man sweat dropped.

Ed was knocked out.

Csara was lost.

And the two winged men broke the standstill by lunging together at
Csara's bosom, grasping onto one breast each, and swinging on them as if they were tire-swings.

Evadne lunged at Dru, threw her golden chain around her neck, and commenced to strangle her as the shorthaired man tried fruitlessly to stop her.

"YOU CHURLISH ABSTRACT JABBERWOCKY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! YOU ARE A THREAT TO THIS MISSION AND A SHAME TO OUR COUNTRY!"

"Yaaaahhh! Boobsboobsboobsboobsboobies!"

"MULISH LITTLE HERPE!"

"Boobiesboobiesboobiesboobies…"

"ARBITRARY GRATING SIN!"

"Boobiesboobiesboobiesboobiesboobies…."

"YANKING GALLING UGMO!"

STOP!

This time, everything stopped at the sound of the author's voice. Except the guy, who walked out from behind the tree and into the frozen clearing.

Oh, piss on a log, why aren't you frozen?

The author sighed. The guy stared up into nowhere.

Great. My characters won't freeze when I tell them, and this fic is spiraling out of control. I mean, who ARE you? We have a Martian, an Enchantress, and an Alchemist who is tangled up in her fleece jacket, and two men with wings.

"Perhaps because your characters and plot has taken on a mutated intelligent life force, indigenous to most crack fics."

Great. So who are you?

"Well, I started out as a humorous interlude to the Mary Sue's annoying habit of slow-mo, but became a folio character to the perpetual insanity of most of the characters you have interacting in this fanfiction."

That's a very interesting concept. I should give you a name.

"No, no, awarding me identification will only eliminate my annul role."

Prudently said. Now, tell me, what should I do with this fic?

"If you ask me," said the guy. "Just let this unremitting mentality go on. Yet reign in control a bit, of course, risking the characters pummeling you in later times."

Good plan.

"Can the world start up again? I'm getting a bit sick of all the stopping. Oh, and put on some Franz Ferdinand. It's a unusually first-rate morale lift."

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When the world began yet again (boy, the gods must be pissed at all the delays), Cyn found herself standing behind Csara, Evadne on the ground, and Dru ejected from the asphyxiate jacket.

"Hoi," Evadne got up and dusted herself off. Alphonse blinked, looked around, and smiled when he located Dru. Jim and James were tied to a nearby oak, and the guy was nowhere in sight.

Edward Elric snapped to attention and screamed when he saw Alphonse. Then, he looked behind him, and screamed when he saw Cyn. Whirled around, looked at Jim and James, screamed. Then Evadne, who was positively shooting daggers at him, screamed girlishly one last time, and fell to the ground in a faint like a Catholic choirboy in a butcher's shop.

"Well, that didn't take long."

Evadne stared at Csara.

"Oh, yeah, the introduction."

The Mary Sue was fumigating and pointed her perfectly manicured fingernail at Evadne, who was looking bored.

"YOU! YOU DARE COME IN HERE AND RUIN MY PLA—"

"Look, Lapargeria," Evadne quipped. "I'm in no mood to squabble with you about your hypocritical outlooks. Let's just get one thing straight: I'm here to eradicate your prostrate skank-ass from this undeserving earth."

Dru snickered at Cyn who was making faces behind Csara, saying silently, "K fa? K fa?"

"Needless to say, you're not exactly the shibby of society," Cyn said smugly, lowering her hands. "Not only are you a writer's shame, but you're humanity's shame, and aren't really deserving to be called human."

"Oh, you are so crossing the line!" Csara said huffily in a way that made you want to break her voice from her neck. "Who made you boss of everything?"

"Isis and Paul Bunyan did," chimed in Jim and James from the tree they were currently humping.

"Dru came in, but kinda ended up making out with the alchemist brother with the fluffy hair," Dru said sheepishly, jerking her thumb towards Alphonse.

"Yeah, thanks for adding that detrimental hypocrisy to this fic," Cyn said sarcastically. "Which reminds me, you can't be with Alphonse anymore."

Dru looked at Cyn cluelessly.

"Don't give me the 'whatchooo talkin' 'bout?' look. In order to salvage Malleri's reputation from the shameful shackles of hypocrisy, you are not allowed to be paired with Alphonse, as it implies the Mary Sueness that we are contracted to destroy."

"But...but…it was Al's first kiss…" tears were welling up in Dru's eyes.

"Sorry, sis, but even though that kiss was meant to provide a contrast between Al's kissing and his brother's substandard attempts, we cannot risk the Mary Sue virus dancing about this world. Now leave him, or I will be forced to kill you, and that's not good, as you are one of Malleri's favorites."

"But…but…" Dru looked like a small child whose favorite candy had just been taken away from her.

"No "buts" damnit! The reviewers might be able to salvage this to the very inklings of long-distance relationship, but until then, back away from the Alphonse, come across to the opposite end of the clearing, and don't look at each other."

Hanging her head, Dru dropped her hands and walked silently to the other end of the clearing, sat facing a large tree, and was immersed in a murky little pocket of despair from which an occasional sniffle could be heard.

Cyn turned back to Csara with a wicked grin on her face. "Now…"

From underneath her robes, she pulled out a rather large and ominous looking rifle blaster. Her grin widened.

"Meet the implosion ray. Mars' finest tech, guaranteed to make your very atoms collapse inward. Fun, fun, eh?" she gestured with it toward Evadne.

"Now, Mary Sue, listen carefully. You can either spend an afternoon with Blasty here and my tripod, experiencing the excruciating slowness of an expert in Martian torture. That can be one way to die. Or, you can spend it with a goaded intolerant Enchantress with enough blasts in her magic chain to raze an entire island into the sea. Or…"

She pointed to Jim and James, in the process of reducing a healthy tree to mulch and kindling.

"…you can spend it with Jim and James, the most horny, perverted twins on the planet earth. When they're done with you, you'll have had your fill of any sort of lewd for the rest of your frigging life. And that's only after the first hour. A most ostracized way to go."

She swung around to Dru, who was still enfolded in her corner of despondency.

"And then there's Dru. Dru, we should warn you, is oblivious to normal human skills such as crossing the street when there are no cars and the theory of gravity. You will most likely have to hang out with her longer than anyone on earth wants to. Have fun meeting a bitter end at the bottom of her pit of squid testicles."

Cyn turned back to the visibly frightened Csara with a smirk on her face. Evadne fiddled with her magical chain.

"Now that you've seen all the candidates, please, ta—"

"Oh, for the sake of shag, let's cut the legalese and KOS this jix," Evadne interrupted.

"Oookaay, but I still think it'd be entertaining to see her get confused…"

"WHATEVER! No one is concerned about the way she dies, as long as she does."

Evadne began advancing on the frozen Csara, left hand glowing.

"As they say in Rome, Sic Semper Tyrannis…thus always to tyrants…."

"WAIT!"

All heads snapped around to the edge of the clearing, where, as thunder and lightening crackled in portentous cliché, a hulking figure in a trench coat, head bowed, loomed over the figures in the clearing, radiating a sense of mystery and sublime horror. He raised his head up, eyes burning out from the darkness his hair created, and said in an archaic voice,

"Stop your hand, woman. The Mary Sue…is MINE."

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A/N: B Kool, bag your tool, kiddies.