Chapter Eleven

Secrets

For the second morning in a row, Tara woke up still fully dressed, not having actually gone to bed the night before. Having fallen asleep to the soft speech sounds coming from the TV, it was the stillness of the silence once the tape turned off that woke her.

She could feel a gentle hand resting on hers, tracing delicate patterns on her skin with slender graceful fingers. She opened her eyes and looked sleepily beside her at Spike, noting with a glance past him that Dawn was asleep with her head in his lap.

The instant he realized that she was awake, he hastily pulled his hand away, placing it self-consciously on his own leg, blushing furiously, eyes focusing intently on the blank television screen. Tara's mind raced as she took in the significance of what had just happened, a million thoughts running through her head at once.

She had no idea yet what to do with her growing undeniable attraction to Spike. Her heart was still wounded, and there was at least a part of it that was empty and Willow-shaped. But she knew that Spike cared for her deeply already, and could not deny that she was developing feelings for him as well.

She didn't want to lead him on when she wasn't quite sure yet what she wanted; all she knew at the moment was that his cool touch had made her feel warm and safe inside, and she felt a profound disappointment at its loss. And in a moment of clarity she realized how much stronger she had become since her break-up with Willow.

Before, she had been a frightened, insecure girl dependent on other's views of her for her self-esteem. But something about making the decision to pull out of an unhealthy relationship, followed by the past couple weeks spent caring for someone more hurting, more vulnerable than herself, had birthed in her a new confidence.

For once in your life, Tara, just go with it, she told herself, feeling an exhileration run through her at the thought. Follow your heart and see where it takes you.

Not allowing herself to give it any more thought, she followed the dictates her heart was screaming at her and reached out impulsively to take his hand back. His startled blue eyes were on hers instantly, but she just smiled casually, as if it were the most natural, comfortable thing in the world for the two of them to sit there holding hands like teenage lovers.

She could see the questions in his eyes; was this just more of Tara's unique brand of casual affection? or was it more? As she did not know the answers herself, she chose not to attempt them.

See where it takes you

Glancing pointedly at Dawn, she smiled in a self-satisfied way and teased, "Now that wasn't so bad, was it?" deliberately not acknowledging their interwoven fingers so as to make it seem less of an issue.

"No," he softly replied, his attention diverted from her hand in his, as a soft smile came over his face. "Bloody lovely, actually. Can't tell you how much I've missed her." As he spoke his free hand gently ran through the sleeping girl's tousled hair.

When his gaze returned to Tara, her breath caught in her throat at the expression in his eyes. Gratitude, that same soft affection she had grown used to seeing there...but tonight there was something more... perhaps given courage by the move she had made, he was allowing his desire for her to show in his eyes, and all attempts at casual slowness flew out the window, as it ignited a fire deep inside her that made her feel dizzy, made her heart pound in anticipation.

She could barely keep up with her heart it was moving so fast.

Sensing her increased heart rate, misreading it as anxiety, Spike broke the intense eye contact, looking back toward the snowy screen. Attempting to return to the topic they had been discussing, he said in a voice that was just slightly too loud, too forced of an attempt at normalcy, "Just wish it'd been different circumstances is all. Hate that the bit had to see that."

He paused, and though his smile was sarcastic, there was a genuine thoughtful sadness in his voice as he added softly, "Guess I'm homeless now."

Suddenly, Tara knew what she wanted with a surety so intense it was like a blow. Reaching up to turn his head to face her, she caught his gaze with smoldering, smoky grey eyes. Her hand which now rested just at the nape of his neck gently pulled him closer, until their lips were mere inches apart.

"No. You're not," she whispered, a promise in her husky soft voice and in her smile.

His eyes widened with surprise, and he drew in a sharp, unnecessary breath. He cautiously drew just a fraction nearer to her, almost completing the inevitable connection but hesitating, unsure.

Tara was sure. She moved the palm of her hand against the nape of his neck, gently stroking the soft hair there; her other arm stole softly around his waist, and pulled him slightly closer to her with a gentle urgency. Her lips parted slightly, she closed the rest of the distance between them in a kiss that was tender but not at all tentative.

Spike was stunned to stillness, not moving or responding for a few moments as her lips moved gently against his. Was this really happening? Tara kissed him like a woman who knew exactly what she wanted, but was asking for it, not taking it. When he felt the tip of her tongue in a feather-light caress against the line between his lips, he gave into his desire and finally kissed her back.

The sweet taste and delectable softness and heat of her mouth drove him wild with need for her, and his own arms wrapped around her, but did not stay still. Tactile as always, Spike's hands did not stop moving, running light touches over her back, shoulders, legs, leaving tingly electric trails on her skin everywhere he touched.

In her sleep, Dawn stirred.

Each jerked away from the other suddenly, horrified expressions on their faces. Buffy would be justified in killing them both if Dawn woke up to find them making out with her practically in their laps...literally in Spike's.

"Bedroom?" Tara suggested breathlessly.

"Right," Spike nodded hurriedly, and with trembling hands he eased Dawn off of his lap and rose, gently moving her into a more comfortable sleeping position on the loveseat before following Tara into her room.

Quietly he closed the door and turned…directly into Tara's waiting embrace. As she pulled him close to her, feeling unable to get close enough, Tara's lips urgently sought his as they clumsily made their way to the bed, already entangled in each other.

Her mouth was his refuge, his solace, and his heart sang poetry to her as he sank down onto the bed, pulling her down onto him. He had so many things he wanted to say to her, but his lips were otherwise occupied. Without even thinking about it, his mind reached out for hers.

So incredible…you're so…absolutely…bloody…gorgeous!

Oh, Spike! Oh I need you! Oh…oh… Rational thought fled from Tara as he flipped her over so that he was on top of her, and let his lips travel downward to her neck.

Beautiful…perfect…goddess… His stream-of-consciousness observations poured out as his hands and lips moved down her still-clothed body.

Oh…oh yes… was all Tara could think as she moaned aloud with pleasure, as Spike's hands slipped under her shirt, and his mouth moved even lower.

You're so gorgeous, love, Spike's hand moved to raise her skirt as he went on. Incredible and perfect and glorious and mine!

Oh God! Tara gasped for breath. Spike…Spike…don't stop! Her back arched and she buried her hands in his hair, raking her nails lightly across his scalp, sending shivers down his spine. So…strong…so…oohhh...good!

She was moments from her peak, and instinctively her hands clutched at the back of his head, holding him there, desperate for him to just…keep…going…

At that exact moment, two things happened. Tara's release came, but even as her body was shuddering in the wake of it, a wave of intense emotion…memories…images… assailed her mind from Spike's.

The next instant, Spike yanked free of her hands, a panicked expression in his eyes. But not before she saw enough to yank her from the throes of ecstasy, an expression of shock, horror, and sorrow in her eyes. Because at last she understood.

In an instant when he had pulled back slightly and felt the pressure of her hands on his head, holding him fast, he had had a terrifying flash back as a sickening barrage of bitter, painful memories and emotions had assaulted him…and were carried across the thread that linked them, to Tara.

The image of Buffy's brutal, selfish violation was now branded into her mind as surely as it was in his. His blinding, desperate terror, as hands possessed of a strength Tara could never hope to wield held him, unyielding, forcing, taking ruthlessly what was only his to give. The agony of shame that took hold of his heart in that moment, and had not yet let go.

He saw it in her eyes…the shocked realization…and backed quickly away from her, off the bed, panicked with the shame of his secret revealed, no thought in his head but just to get away.

"Oh my God…" Tara whispered. "Spike…" She got up from the bed and went to go to him.

Turning around, he opened the door as if to flee, and was stopped by the knowledge that there was nowhere to go. The same painful memories which filled him with shame, also bound him to the apartment with fear. And, having no desire to take this situation out into the living room where Dawn slept, he just stood there for a moment, then slowly closed the door again. But he did not turn around; just stood there at the doorway, eyes closed, breathing hard.

Slowly, cautiously Tara rose from the bed and approached him. "Spike…" she whispered. "Sweetheart…" From behind him she reached a tentative hand to touch his arm.

"Don't," he rasped, not turning, pulling away from her hand.

Tara dropped her hand to her side. She could feel the shame and self-disgust rolling off of him in waves. His darkest secret had been revealed to her, and he was utterly humiliated. How could she make him see that it was not his fault, that she did not see him any differently?

"She's the Slayer, Spike," she softly said. "There's nothing you could have done…"

"Please," he interrupted, and his voice was anguished, tearful. "Please, just…don't, Tara."

Realizing that words were useless at this moment, and touch was worse, Tara was stripped of any way of reaching him. Unless…sudden inspiration struck her; if Spike's emotions had traveled to her mind by way of the connection they had set up, could she somehow make him see how she felt about him in the same way?

It couldn't hurt to try. Focusing her energy, Tara reached out, willing him to feel the love and support she wanted to give him. And almost in spite of himself, as he struggled not to feel, to bury his feelings back behind the wall he had built inside himself, he felt the warmth of her affection, her concern, her love enveloping him in a comforting embrace. There was not the slightest hint of disgust or revulsion in her feelings, as he would have expected. For a brief moment, he saw himself through her eyes...strong...desirable...loved, and an overwhelming sense of unworthiness came over him.

I love you; I love you; I love you… Her soft voice came to him in symphony with the sweet emotions that washed over him from her. The simple power of her love, covering him, surrounding him, caused the walls built in desperation to crumble to dust at her feet.

Leaning forward and leaning his head against the door, Spike broke down. Bitter tears traced lines down his crumpled face, as he slid down the wall to his knees on the floor. Now, Tara went to him, putting her arms around him. Now, her comforting words were welcome.

"It's not your fault, Spike," she whispered in his ear, cradling him in her arms. "She had no right…shh…it's all right, it's all right, baby."

He didn't say anything, only sobbed in her arms. But she could feel the bitter self-loathing emanating from him. He still could only see himself as the vile, disgusting thing that was only worthy to be used and then thrown away…the thing Buffy had made him see in himself.

Reaching down, she lifted his chin gently so that she could meet his eyes. Arresting his gaze with her own, she said softly, clearly, deliberately, "You are so incredibly beautiful to me. Do you know that? You helped me find my own strength, Spike. I don't know what I'd do without you. I love you, Spike. I love you."

There was utter amazement and awe in his tear-soaked eyes as he gazed up at her. "Oh, Tara!" he sobbed, pulling her closer. "Tara, Tara, I love you!"

They stayed like that, on the floor, for a long while, just holding each other. Finally, thinking that it would not be so okay to wake up here as on the bed or loveseat, Tara gently pulled him to his feet and led him to the bed. They removed only their shoes before lying down on the bed, still fully clothed. Tara snuggled up behind Spike, putting her arms around him and holding him close to her, long after the cleansing tears had stopped, until they both fell asleep.