Chapter Twenty-One
Hermione sighed as she glanced at yet another romance novel cover, leaving little to the imagination. She didn't know why she had allowed Ginny to drag her in there in the first place. Sure, she was desperate for something to read after staring at her empty bookshelves for a week, but this just wasn't the reading material she was looking for.
She would have given anything for an Arithmancy or Ancient Runes text, but she wouldn't find those in that particular bookstore. There were no magical books of any kind and Hermione was starting to think there was nothing educational around either. Was she doomed to read trashy novels like this for the rest of her life?
Of course whenever she thought about magic now, she was consumed by immense guilt. She had been doing her best to avoid Harry for some time now, which wasn't that hard to do considering all the hours he was putting in at the Ministry. She knew that he wasn't a mind reader but he was known to pick up on intense emotions even when he was blocking them out. If he had known what was going on in her head, he would have told Ron and they both would have gone into worried fits over her. She was much better now. Instead of thinking of magic every second of the day, it was only every ten minutes or so.
With no books to read and no job, she had been searching around for anything to occupy her time. Harry and Ron had been only happy to help, trying to get her into video games, but it wasn't something she was interested in. She had discovered the world of television though. She had never watched much before going away to Hogwarts, so she had never really missed it. But with little else to do it had become an easy way to kill time. While she had questioned Harry before on why he needed all those channels – she also suspected he had somehow used magic to gain access to so many – she was grateful that he had. She was currently hooked on a show called CSI, and was absolutely fascinated by all the science that went into muggle criminal investigations.
But in the beginning it had been bad. Little things like turning off a light or grabbing something from her closet turned into immensely difficult tasks. Without realizing it she had been using magic for the simplest of things. She felt like she was living like a muggle these days, taking the longer way to do everything. As if that wasn't enough, she would wake up in a cold sweat most nights. Once it had even been so bad, she had woken up both Remus and Ginny and they had come running to her room. Remus had sent Ginny back to her room, while he stayed with her until she fell back asleep. The day after that she had overheard a conversation between her old professor and Tonks, while they both thought she was in the shower.
"Remus, this is bad," she could hear the normally cheerful Auror saying.
"It's part of the process, Tonks," Remus replied.
"What process? You're talking like you know what you're doing when you have absolutely no clue. There's places where she could – "
"Hermione is strong. She can do this on her own. She doesn't need to see any specialists or be sent anywhere."
"Damn it, Remus, Hermione's not some kind of classroom project. We've both seen situations like this before. Four out of five cases like this the person in question has several relapses before they can recover enough to use magic again. You're right, she's strong, probably even stronger than you at her current skill level. You know the kind of things she's done, what would happen if she started up again and couldn't stop? Her father wouldn't approve of this."
"He's not here, Tonks, and quite frankly he wouldn't know what to do even if he was."
"Just because he's not here, doesn't automatically make you her father."
"I know that! Just like I know Harry isn't my son, but she's still my responsibility," he said. Tonks had obviously touched a sore spot with him.
"This is really about Harry, isn't it?" The Auror said intuitively. "He resents you for what happened between you and Lily and you're trying to erase that by helping Hermione."
"Harry's entitled to his feelings," he responded stiffly. "I wouldn't try to change them and I would never use Hermione's current condition as a way to make amends with Harry."
There was a long pause, before Remus said in a drained voice, "I need to get Ginny's lessons ready for the day."
Not another word was said between them before the front door opened and Tonks left.
She hadn't been angry at what Tonks had said. The Auror was just looking out for her in her own way. After hearing Remus's side, it made her feel like she could get through this. She wasn't going to let him down. What she didn't like was the obvious tension she had created between the two. Tonks had not been back to the house since, except that morning to take her and Ginny into town.
"Found anything you like?" Ginny asked, coming into view.
"I can't read these. I have standards. I think I would rather not read another book for the rest of my life," she told the younger girl.
Ginny made a face. "There are other book shops around here. We could go have a look after we get our dress robes."
It was Hermione's turn to make a face. She had forgotten the main reason they were there. The Ministry was holding its annual Christmas Ball for all the top brass. As Minister, Mr. Weasley was required to attend and had invited his family along with her and Harry.
"I don't think I'm going," she said.
"What? Why not?" Ginny cried.
Hermione sighed. "Because these things never turn out well, at least not for me. I think I'm cursed when it comes to balls."
Ginny laughed, much to Hermione's annoyance. "Come on, it's not that bad."
"Have you forgotten my fourth year when I went to the Yule Ball with Viktor and Ron and I had that horrible row afterwards? Or the Ministry Ball to celebrate your dad's position and Ron and I didn't talk to each other all night because we were already in a fight about him using your dad to get me a job. Trust me, Ginny, this time will not be any better."
"Maybe the problem is that you and Ron have never actually gone to a ball together."
"That doesn't seem like it's about to change any time soon," Hermione noted.
"Why don't you ask him to go with you?" Ginny made it sound like it was the easiest thing in the world.
"I can't," Hermione answered, shaking her head. "I've already told him I can only be friends with him right now. I don't want to make things any more complicated than they already are."
"So ask him as a friend."
"He's probably already going with someone."
Ginny snorted. "Yeah right, my brother who waits until the last minute for everything? The ball's not for another two weeks. He probably hasn't even opened his invitation yet. Besides, he hates these things as much as you do so I don't think he would ask anyone."
No matter what Ginny said, Hermione still didn't think it was a good idea. She and Ron were getting along fairly well and she did not want to jeopardize that. If past experiences were any indication, it would likely turn out to be a horrible night for them both.
"What about you and Harry?"
Ginny shrugged. "He hasn't said anything yet. But we're going on an actual date tonight, only Harry won't say where. It will be the first time we've actually gone out somewhere together."
"Maybe you should ask him," Hermione said, feeding Ginny's own advice back to her.
"Tonks, tell Hermione she has to go," Ginny said, saved from having to come up with an answer as the Auror came down their aisle.
"Go where?" Tonks asked, holding a basket of books under one arm.
"To the Ministry's Christmas Ball," Ginny said.
"Oh yeah, it'll be loads of fun," Tonks said with a grin. "There's always someone at one of these things who makes an arse out of themselves. It's also a good laugh to see all these department heads wives all dressed up in what they think is the latest fashion."
Ginny smiled triumphantly, as if that settled the matter.
"Why don't you want to go? No date? You should ask Ron."
Why does everyone keep saying that? "I'll ask Ron when you ask Remus."
"You know what happens to people who blackmail Aurors?" Tonks asked, glancing at both girls who stared back at her blankly. "No one knows because no one has ever found someone who lived long enough to talk about it," she grinned wickedly.
Hermione glanced at the stack of books inside the Auror's basked and raised a questioning eyebrow. "You're really going to read all those?" The covers she could see were by far worse than anything Ginny had picked out for her.
"Why not? I need something to do in my spare time," Tonks said and marched towards the short line up so she could pay.
What Ron wouldn't give to be at Grimmauld Place at the end of one of his mother's screaming lectures, then to be watching the gloating face of the smug bastard in front of him.
"Didn't your mother teach you not to stare? Or was she even incompetent in that department?" Malfoy sneered.
"In case you haven't noticed, Malfoy," Ron said, towering over the chair Malfoy was sitting in, "nobody cares what happens to you. You're just here to provide us with information. If we find out you're lying or your usefulness runs out – whichever happens first – I'll throw you to the Death Eaters myself."
"Aren't we the big man now that you've got the Auror robes on?" Malfoy taunted. "I guess he's not just a sidekick after all, eh Potter?"
Harry just looked away. Being ordered by Moody to check in on Malfoy was quickly becoming less favourable than Azkaban duty. All they were supposed to do was bring the Slytherin some food and do a thorough check of the premises. But Malfoy being Malfoy, was doing his best to incite Ron and start something.
"Let's get out of here, Harry," Ron said through clenched teeth.
"I want better accommodations," Malfoy demanded. "This place is disgusting."
While it was true the house the Order had Malfoy protected in was less than stellar, it was a far cry from shabby. The furniture was old but decent and Malfoy had been given several of the amities he had asked for.
"Provide us with something useful and we'll consider it," said Harry.
"I already saved the mudblood's life, isn't that enough?"
"If you call her that again, your life is going to be in need of saving," Harry seethed before Ron could say a word.
"What would it be worth to you if I told you where that Death Eater boss of hers was being held?"
Ron fell for the trap, but only for a second. "Nice try, Malfoy, but you don't know anything."
"I have nothing better to do than eavesdrop on those who come by here. Those Aurors have obnoxiously loud voices."
"Why the hell are you still here?" Harry demanded. "You could have been out of Britain by now, but you chose to stay here. What are you after?"
Malfoy smirked. "Do you think being anywhere else in the world is going to be any more safer once the Dark Lord strikes? Even if I left I would still be in the same danger you lot are in. It would just take a little longer for him to find him. I may despise every last one of you muggle and half-breed lovers, but I'm not going to be anyone's servant. Since your band of losers seems to have a remote chance of winning, I'd rather be on your side."
"Basically you're just out to save your own arse, is that it?" Harry said, not thinking it was possible to be any more disgusted with Malfoy.
"Basically," Malfoy responded, still smirking. "But I meant what I said about exchanging the location of the Experimental Charms ex-director for better accommodations and perhaps some fresh air."
"Where is he?" Ron said, taking the bait.
"The Aurors have cell spots spread out for prisoners awaiting transfer to Azkaban."
"That doesn't tell us anything we didn't already know."
"Patience, Weasley, I was getting there," Malfoy drwaled. "He's in a shielded room at some abandoned shop that used to be called Kippers in downtown Bristol. Not a very friendly area."
Ron turned and marched out of there, with Malfoy calling after him. "Remember, what you owe me for this!"
"Ron, even if Malfoy is telling the truth, we can't go there," Harry said when they were outside.
"And why not? Because we're not supposed to know about it or because you're worried about what I'm going to do to that bastard."
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know," he said, pretending to think it over. "I'll see what kind of mood I'm in when I get there."
"Hermione wouldn't want you to throw away your career as an Auror for this," he said, trying another approach.
"What Hermione doesn't know won't hurt her," Ron said.
"Remember how well that worked out the last time you said that?" Harry reminded him.
"This is different," Ron insisted. "That arsehole was a spy the entire time. Who knows what kind of information he was able to get his hands on. Not to mention he planned that whole charm scenario to hand Hermione and me over to You-Know-Who, so you would give yourself up in exchange for our freedom. If the Aurors hadn't found Hermione in time we don't know what they would have done to her. As it is, we don't know what was done to her or where she was because she says she can't remember. Fuck, Harry, she's supposed to be your best friend and you're practically defending Anderson."
"I want to see him pay for what he did as much as you do," Harry snapped. "Don't tell me I don't care about Hermione just because I'm not going off all half cocked like you are."
"Fine, whatever. You don't have to come," Ron said and began walking away.
Harry swore. Despite all his words, his feelings were the same as Ron's. How was he supposed to keep Ron out of trouble when he wanted to do those same things to Anderson?
He remembered his promise to take Ginny out on what was going to be their first real date. He still had a few hours before that was supposed to happen. He would just have to make sure they were in back in time.
Ginny was positive it was late when she was pulled out of her slumber by someone softly calling her name. She blinked open her eyes, letting them adjust to the darkness of the room before she could make out the outlined figure sitting on her bed.
She rolled over on her side and checked the time on the clock beside her bed. "Harry, it's almost two o'clock. What are you doing here?" She said, rubbing sleep out of her eyes.
"Gin, I know we had plans but something came up with Ron," he offered up lamely.
"So you blew me off for my brother?"
"What! No!" He whispered sharply, not wanting to wake anyone else.
"He knew we had a date then?"
Harry adjusted the glasses on his face, saying, "no, not exactly."
Ginny sat up, wide-awake now and beside herself with anger. "You were afraid of what Ron's reaction would be if he knew there was something between us, so you didn't tell him and instead went along with whatever he had in mind?"
"I don't care what Ron thinks about us, but I just didn't think it was the right time to tell him," he answered carefully, hoping to avoid setting her off further. "Come on, Gin, what was I going to tell him? That for months we just fooled around, and that ever since I shagged his little sister we've been trying to figure things out. Yeah, that would have gone over real well," he said sarcastically.
"You know what, this isn't even about my brother anymore. It's about how you said things would be different. But you know what, Harry? Nothing's changed. I can't count on you," she said, dropping her voice to barely above a whisper.
Harry stared down at his hands. He just kept screwing things up. God, he was such a fucking idiot. Maybe he just wasn't cut out for this sort of thing.
"I'm starting to think that too," she muttered. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Harry was giving her the strangest look.
"I didn't say that out loud. How did you know I was thinking that?"
"I didn't. The words just popped into my head."
He wanted to try something. "What am I thinking now?"
"I don't know."
"You didn't even try."
Annoyed, she closed her eyes and tried to concentrate solely on Harry, or more accurately what he was thinking. "I don't know. You seem agitated or troubled about something – wait, how can I know that?"
He looked as puzzled as she did. Only what she was feeling was quite different from him. She was terrified.
"How long has this been going on?" He asked her.
"I've been having these awful headaches since I went to visit Ron at St. Mungo's. It was like being there just made me sick but I would feel better once I'd left."
"What else?"
"I don't really know how to describe it, but sometimes when I'm around Remus I start to feel sick and most of the time when I'm around you it either feels like this amazing, happy thing or – "
"Or what?" Harry demanded to know.
"It hurts, really bad," she said, willing herself to look at him. "It's so painful I think I might pass out."
Instinctively, Harry moved off the bed, as if he were trying to create some distance between them.
"I'm fine right now," she assured him, but her words didn't seem to register with Harry.
"You should have said something."
He was angry, and she was amazed at how quickly the tables had turned. A few minutes ago she had been the furious one and now it was Harry's turn.
"I thought it would go away," she said in her defense.
"Well, it's obviously not, isn't it? It's just getting worse."
She could hear the self-recrimination in his voice. He had known about this for all of two minutes and was already starting up the blame-Harry-Potter-for-everything parade. She was sure her current situation was a result of Harry, but she hadn't even thought to consider blaming him for anything yet, as she was still trying to figure out what was happening, and more importantly why it was happening.
"Harry, it's late. We're both tired. Let's deal with this tomorrow." She was surprised at the calmness of her own voice because she was actually scared out of her mind at what she could do. She was sure Harry picked up on that.
Harry didn't argue with her, not because he didn't agree but because he was afraid if they started fighting he would just hurt her – and he'd already done enough of that.