Gah! I really need to start being on time with these updates. Just finding time at the moment is so tricky. Please forgive me everyone! And... forgive this chapter because... well... we all saw this coming, didn't we?

Chapter 19

I woke slowly, my eyelids heavy so that I had to force them open, and I nearly panicked when I still couldn't see anything. Then I realised it was only the dark, and I calmed. Something was thumping in a steady rhythm near my ear, and for a moment I was confused about what it could be, until my body registered the feeling of cool skin and arms wrapped around me.

My head was resting on Erik's chest, and I knew he must be sleeping, his breathing was deep and even and his whole body felt relaxed beside me.

Memories of last night came flooding back and I shut my eyes again, smiling in the dark and nuzzling further into Erik's arms. He didn't even stir.

It was hard to believe what had happened. Almost like it was nothing more than a vivid dream. Not that I regretted last night… I didn't. Maybe I should have, I wasn't really sure. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before, so I hadn't a clue how to react. All I did know was that I felt a mixture of things… contentment, love… and a feeling of security. I didn't doubt that people would have frowned upon this… saying I was too young to know anything about love or accept the responsibility of such a committed relationship.

But I did love Erik, I knew… and it made me happy to think that we were together like this. I had never experienced the feeling of waking up beside someone after sharing something so intimate… and I knew, somewhere inside me, that Erik was the only one I wanted to experience this feeling with. And it wasn't as if we hadn't been… safe. That at least, I could depend on.

One more thing I knew… there was a discomforting feeling 'down there'. I needed to go to the bathroom.

Carefully, I pulled away from Erik, not wanting to disturb him when he was sleeping so peacefully. I slipped quietly out of the circle of his arms, feeling for the edge of the bed, and then the floor. There was no sound from him, so I assumed he still slept. I tried to remember the layout of the room from the brief glimpse I had seen of it last night. If the bed and the far wall were over here… then the doorway was to my right when I stood at the side of the bed. Feeling my way along, I was relieved to finally touch the soft velvet curtain. When I pushed it to one side the yellow light beyond gave me something to see by. I looked back into the room, where a shaft of light had been cast over my side of the bed, which was now empty. Erik's arm was outstretched across it… as if inviting me to return.

There was also my bag, on the other side of the doorway. Quietly I bent down and opened it, rummaging for a t-shirt and slipping it on, as if there were someone other than Erik in this place that I didn't want to see me naked. In the long white t-shirt, I went into the main room, where many of the candles still burned brightly. I wish I knew what time it was… I had taken my watch off last night.

In the bathroom, I sat with my chin in my hands, thinking. What would happen now? This wasn't going to be one of those nightmare situations, was it? Erik wasn't going to wake up and tell me that was all… that he wanted nothing else from me? No… he wasn't like that. This was more than just a conquest for him, I was sure. But it was a worry of so many girls… that they would give up their virginity and find that the man was just a chauvinist pig.

But I did wonder what would happen. This hadn't ever been a normal relationship… it would be stupid to expect it to suddenly become one. That in itself was a saddening thought. Erik and I would probably never go out together like a normal couple… sit talking in restaurants, go to parties. Sure, we had other things to enjoy but, after the initial excitement of something so new and different, I couldn't help being aware of a distant longing for something a little more ordinary.

With these thoughts still circling in my head, I returned to the main bedroom, picking up a little candelabrum on my way, not wanting to trip and fall in the darkness. I carried it carefully so as not to burn the drapes and entered, holding up the three candles to shed their light. Erik hadn't moved… and I watched him as I sat on the edge of the bed, seeing how the flicker of the candlelight played across the contours of the mask.

And as I stared at this thing that shielded his true face from me, suddenly I remembered something more from the previous night. Erik… he had talked about the legend of Cupid and Psyche. I knew that story… and I remembered now that Erik had left out something. He had never finished it properly. Cupid had come to Psyche by night, so she would never learn his identity… but later, convinced by her sisters that her new husband was a monster, she had held a lamp over the bed and saw who he was. Her betrayal had been given away by a drop of oil that had fallen on his arm. The god had departed, leaving her alone because she had not trusted him.

Now, I saw a strange parallel to that story. Never, in all the time I had known Erik, had I been allowed to really see him. Always he had hidden from me, behind that white mask… and as I acknowledged this, really acknowledged it for the first time, I felt a twinge of resentment. Did that mean he couldn't trust me? It would explain why he never allowed me to raise my hands anywhere near his face. Why? Why wouldn't he let me see? Even if he did possibly hide some disfigurement behind that mask, didn't he love and trust me enough to show me? I loved him enough to look beyond physical appearance. Looking at him now, at him lying in that bed, I could see more clearly the extent to which his body had wasted away. He was skeletal… so much so that I could understand why someone might be disgusted by him.

But I wasn't just 'someone'. I loved him… and surely that counted for something.

Slowly I leaned forward, reaching out with my free hand towards him, towards the mask. I didn't make the same mistake as Psyche in the myth… I kept the candles held away from him, so they wouldn't drip wax on him as I gently took hold of the mask with the slightest pressure of my fingers. It was not held there by elastic or string… it was just perfectly sculpted to fit his face.

Biting my lip, feeling a soft trembling of anticipation in my body, I lifted the mask away.

The trembling stopped. I froze, as did everything around me. It was like that moment when Erik had first said he loved me… as if time had come to an end… only now it was for a completely different reason.

His face… oh god… I didn't know what I had expected. A few scars, perhaps. Maybe some mild form of that disease, what did they call it? Elephant Man's Disease? But not this… nothing like this. Looking at him I felt the blood leaking from my face until I felt cold and numb all over.

His skin was stretched over the skull, but barely. I could see how thin it was… barely a membrane covering the bone, a disgusting greyish yellow, with little veins just visible in the light. Finally I saw why the parts of him I had been able to see had always looked so strange. His eyes… I had always thought they were shadowed by the mask, but they weren't. They were sunken… deep into the sockets. In the faint light they looked as though they belonged to a skull, a feeling that was only emphasised by his nose, which was nothing but a gaping hole covered by the thin membrane of skin. I could only see the nostrils beneath it. And finally his mouth… which had always seemed somehow odd. It was shrivelled… the lips shrunken back against the teeth. The mouth was not quite so deformed as the rest of his face, so I had barely noticed, but it was visible enough now. Even his hair, I realised, covered something else. I could see the line of a wig resting on his top of his forehead. The edge of the mask must have hidden it from sight. I almost reached out to touch it, but then pulled my fingers back and instead used them to cover my mouth, just in case a whimper of disgust escaped me. Jesus… I might have understood if he were wasted away. His obvious lack of nourishment would have explained it. But not this. How could someone living look like this? It seemed impossible… like a nightmare.

And now I understood so much more about Erik. I knew now why he was the way he had been… the reason for his enforced solitude… the mask… his behaviour. Everything was explained by this one thing. I knew… for all this world's boasting about open-mindedness, they would snap up something like this and tear it apart. I couldn't lie to myself… I had seen my fair share of horror movies, but none of those could have prepared me for this reality, this living, breathing reality. I couldn't deny that my instinctive reaction was one of horror and disgust… and I considered myself an open person generally. I knew, as Erik must have done, that even if people didn't regard him with horror and fear… they would hound him, gobbling up the controversy surrounding such a deformity like wild dogs. Their sick curiosity and obsession with extraordinary things would drive anyone insane… especially someone like Erik. I didn't know if his deformity had made him crave privacy and security, or if perhaps he had always been the reclusive type. But in the face of this, I didn't blame Erik for hiding… I didn't blame him for any of it.

I shuddered, feeling the understanding take over, and the overwhelming sympathy I felt seeped in, eclipsing all my initial disgust. What Erik had been through in his life I didn't dare imagine… but it filled my eyes with tears. They fell down my cheeks as I bent over this man that I still loved… and a sob escaped my throat…

… and woke Erik.

I froze instinctively when I realised he had opened his eyes. I don't know whether I had expected to get away with removing his mask without him finding out, but something deep down told me that I would have to face some anger on his part for doing this. I braced myself for it as he stirred. His gaze found mine almost instantly, the eyes sunken in his head instantly seeing that something was wrong. They flicked to the light in my hand… and then to the mask which I still held. As I watched his face, it didn't change, just quietly took in what had happened… that rigid control being exerted once again.

He looked back at me, saw the tears in my eyes, the slight fear in my expression, and as I watched, I saw that control snap like a snare coming down on an innocent animal in a peaceful forest. I was given no time to speak… not even a second to cry out before he lunged, like a demented creature, and knocked me to the floor painfully. When I looked up there was only blackness as the candles went out. I heard Erik nearby… moving quickly, and I felt a panic seize my entire body.

"Erik!" I cried out desperately, reaching blindly for something to hold onto. "Erik, where are you?"

And then he was behind me. At first I thought he was going to put his arms around me, as he had done last night… I thought he was going to hold me again. But he did no such thing. Instead I felt a hand in my hair. It gripped and twisted painfully, making me cry out. I reached up, trying instinctively to claw away that merciless grip, but to no effect, and I found myself being dragged that way, out of the room and into the huge church. I felt as though my hair were being pulled out by the roots as I was thrown roughly down the steps, collapsing on the Persian carpet with a sob.

I looked up, wanting desperately to believe that someone else had come down to this underground place and was treating me this way… frightening me like this… but I only looked up at Erik, still without the mask, his face twisted in pain and almost murderous anger. The wig too had been discarded or misplaced, and I saw now that he had little to no hair, save a few grey, wispy strands here and there. Towering over me, dressed now in a long black robe, I shuddered as my mind subconsciously likened him to some living version of Death itself… personified before me in all its cruel malevolence.

"How could you?" He spat angrily, his voice no longer beautiful and soothing. Instead it rasped and snarled, making me flinch at every syllable. "Why! What made you do it? What did you hope to gain?"

Feeling the sobs welling up in the face of his fury, I struggled for an explanation for why I had done this. But I was so shocked and confused… I couldn't believe this sudden change. Somehow no coherent words would come to explain the reasons I had thought of previously to justify my actions.

And in my silence, Erik went on bitterly. "I expect this has ruined your little fantasy, hasn't it. You wanted some handsome Adonis, did you? Someone who'd give you a thrill to look at? Is that what you wanted?"

"No! Erik, please…"

"Liar…" he snarled. "You're a liar. Perhaps you've always been a liar, and I was just blind to it. Why… why did I ever trust you? I never should have." He faltered in his rage, and I saw his expression begin to crumble on that death-like face, becoming one of such misery and despair I wanted to die rather than see it. "I let myself love you… I brought you to my home… I gave you everything… and you repay me with this! And now…"

He trailed off as his voice too began to break up with sorrow, and in the face of his mournful silence I had to turn my head away, unable to bear the truth of his words and the responsibility I bore for what was happening.

A strong hand seized me by the throat so harshly that I nearly choked. My head was dragged back around so that Erik's face was inches from mine, and the momentary despair that had been there only moments ago was gone. Instead, burning in those depths, was a renewed anger and outrage that terrified me.

"Don't you dare! Don't you dare turn away from me now! You've taken my mask… you wanted to see my face. So look! Stare and gawp as much as you desire. That's what you wanted, isn't it! Or am I so disgusting you can't even bring yourself to look at me?"

"No," I sobbed, shaking my head even as Erik's grip tightened. "I didn't mean -"

"What?" he demanded. "You didn't mean what? To hurt me? You tear off my mask and expect me to thank you? You ruin what we had and think I'll be happy?"

God, I hated to hear him say it. Did he really believe that this was the end of it? Did he think that I intended to leave him now I knew what he looked like?

"Erik, you don't understand," I cried, desperately trying to talk through his grip on my neck. But I was cut off as his fingers closed tighter, closing off my air supply until I was fighting for each new breath. I tried to pull at his hand, to make him loosen his hold. I was so frantic I even clawed at him with my nails until I drew blood from the flesh. But all this only fuelled his anger. He only loosened his grip when I felt my eyes rolling back into my skull, my body growing weaker. Then he gripped my shoulders instead, drawing me closer to him.

"I understand this," he said, his voice now dangerously soft. "I don't believe I can ever trust you again… not now. But that is immaterial. That is all that has changed. Nothing else." And he drew me closer, until I could feel his breath on my face and the wild pounding of his heart. "You are still mine."

And he kissed me. But it was heart-breaking how forced it was. There was no emotion in it other than anger and bitterness… and a ferocity that made me whimper in pain. That whimper caused Erik to push me away from him again, so that I crashed on the floor in a sobbing wreck. Yesterday I would never have believed something like this would be happening to me. I would have dismissed any suggestion that Erik would hurt me. But now… I felt more afraid of him than I ever had.

His back was to me, and breathing harshly, feeling faint and sick, I edged back along the carpet, watching him pace up and down. He shouted up at the arches over our heads, declaring his fate, his misery and his anger to the stone that surrounded this place. More than once he seemed on the verge of breaking into sobs, but then he would look at me, see my fear, and renew his angry curses. He was too caught up in it to notice me moving away. Using one of the crying angels, I pulled myself to my feet, still feeling weak and my throat pained and raw from crying and Erik's suffocating grip.

I watched him pace… watched until he was as far away from me as possible…

Then I ran. I ran as fast as I could, hearing the outraged shout behind me as I tore through one of the passageways, into the little room I had changed in last night, and into the bathroom, the only room with a door. Turning frantically, I pushed the door shut just before the figure in black reached me. There was a tremendous thud and the entire frame shook as Erik threw his weight against the wood, but I kept it shut long enough to slide the huge iron bolt across.

"Open this door!"

Erik's shouts of anger came through as he hammered his fists against the door, but that was all that passed the barrier. The bolt held, but I pressed my back against it as well, feeling wretched sobs taking over my body, begging Erik to stop and hearing nothing but his ugly threats and enraged orders. Finally I couldn't handle it and pressed my fists tightly over my ears, blocking out as much of the sound as possible. I sank to my knees on the stone floor, my whole body jumping at every thud against the door I leaned against. But I didn't move.

I was afraid… truly afraid, that if I obeyed him and opened the door I would meet my end.