Chapter 25

It took a long, long time, for me anyway, for the weekend to arrive. My nerves made me feel worse as the days went by and the sicker I felt, the more worried I became. It was a vicious circle, but at least the end of it was coming. But when it did, I realized I didn't quite have the guts to go out and get this pregnancy test myself. It was like admitting some guilty secret. Meg tried everything to convince me to go, pointing out that if I didn't have the courage to go and get the pregnancy test how what in hell was I going to be able to look at the result?

"It's easy for you," I pointed out rather bitterly in reply. "You're not the one who might actually be pregnant."

"For the thousandth time, you won't to be pregnant, I promise."

I looked at her with a slightly sad expression. "Then why are we getting this test at all?"

"It's just to make sure," she replied, but she could tell I wasn't convinced, and I could see that she was worried too, as much as she tried to hide the fact. In the end she gave in and promised to come back with the test by the evening, giving me a reassuring thumbs-up sign from the window as the bus drove off, heading for the nearest town. I stood and watched until the vehicle was out of sight, thinking. Maybe I should have gone… but I just didn't feel up to it right now. I would much rather stay in and find some other way to pass the time. Maybe I could go and look at that website again…

I smacked my forehead angrily. What would be the point in doing that? It wouldn't be any different from the last time I checked it. There was nothing else I could learn from it. Everything I needed to know I had heard from Debienne, the doctor. I knew it would be best not to contact him again… I had started to feel bad, realising how awful it must have been for him to drag up those memories. Clearly they still disturbed him. I could only imagine how Erik would react when I next spoke to him.

I was still waiting to hear something from him… I was full of nervous anticipation, wondering when he would choose to make himself known. I desperately hoped it would be soon. The quicker I got this out of the way, the quicker that matters would be resolved, for better or worse. The same with this damned pregnancy test… I didn't know precisely how I was going to deal with these problems, if the worst were to befall. I guess that I'd just have to cross that bridge when I came to it.

"Excuse me?"

I kicked a stone sulkily and watched it bounce along the path, my hands shoved deep in my pockets.

"Miss Day?"

Halted by the sound of my name, I turned and, to my surprise, saw a somewhat familiar person approaching me. At first I couldn't place where I knew this man from, until I realised that it was the detective… Detective Neilson. The one investigating Charlotte's poisoning. My back straightened as tension ran through my entire body. Oh god… what did he want?

"Yes?"

"I'm Detective Neilson… we met before…"

"Yes, I remember," I replied, unable to keep the unfriendly, distrustful note out of my voice. All I could think was the he was a danger to Erik… and to Richard, for that matter.

Clearly my hostile tone was not missed by the detective, because he paused a few feet from me with a quizzical expression on his face. "Is everything alright?" he asked with a frown.

I tried to calm myself down. Having a breakdown in front of this detective was not going to help my situation. But I simply couldn't help it. This man, if he continued to poke around and ask questions, could have me or Richard arrested. Erik, at least, was safe in his anonymity. Wasn't I justified in being a little upset?

No way was I going to convince this guy there was nothing wrong, so I took sanctuary in the truth. "I heard that you talked to Richard."

He raised an eyebrow. "Really? Does that worry you?"

"Of course it does," I snapped a little more harshly than was wise. "Is he a suspect now?"

"Clearly you don't think he should be."

I paused. This was dangerous ground. I might defend Richard all I wanted, but the more adamant I seemed about Richard's lack of involvement, the more it might look as though I knew who the real criminal was, and I couldn't afford that.

"I just don't think he's that kind of person," I replied lamely, feeling the colour rise in my cheeks.

"Well, you never know what people can do when they're under stress."

It was my turn to frown now. "Stress?"

"Yes… I heard you two had a fight not too long ago and broke up over it."

My heart, when I heard this, felt like it was being squashed in a merciless grip. "How do you know about that?"

"I spoke to your friend, Meg Grayson."

Meg? The detective had spoken to Meg? She'd never mentioned it. God only knew why… had she been worried about making me angry? Well, I was certainly that. What else had been going on that she hadn't told me? And how much had she told this detective? She knew, in a basic way, about Erik… would she tell what she knew? I dreaded to think what this guy might do with that kind of information.

"And?" I prompted, trying to keep my voice more neutral now.

"Well, she told me about the fight you two had. Apparently you broke up."

"Yeah we did…" I paused for a second, thinking about how this fell in line. "But that was after the concert… I don't see what it has to do with your investigation."

"Well… I was hoping you'd enlighten me as to why this fight took place."

I winced visibly. "I'd rather not," I replied, believing that it wasn't entirely inappropriate for me to be wary of talking about my personal life with a man I barely knew. Obviously, however, he wasn't prepared to be lenient in his questioning.

"It wouldn't have anything to do with this 'friend' you met in Rome, would it?"

Oh god, I could have died when I heard this. I almost wished I would… it might have been a relief. Now the police… the goddamn police… knew about my mysterious friend. What kind of danger would this put me in? And my friends? My family?

"It…" For a few seconds I struggled to stop myself from screaming. "It's got nothing to do with that."

Once again that look of scepticism appeared on the detective's face. "Really? Your friend Meg told us you were quite taken with this man from Italy… I got the impression that he had something to do with your break up."

Behind my lips, my teeth ground together. I couldn't really blame Meg… how could I expect her to lie to the police? Richard might do, since he at least understood what was going on, but not Meg. She was too straightforward, for better or worse. She wouldn't see the danger of it. But even still… it made me angry.

"Richard didn't know anything about him," I said. "We broke up because…" I braced myself, "because I didn't like how forward he was being. That's all."

"'Forward?"

"Yes… forward. I just wasn't comfortable with things. Then he invited me to stay with him over the holidays and I said no. He took it a bit too personally."

"Oh really?"

I didn't miss the note of intrigue in the man's voice, and I hastened to stop whatever scenario he was concocting. "It just got blown a little out of proportion. We sorted it out though… we're just friends now."

"But he still has feelings for you?" he asked meaningfully.

I coloured, heat rising in my cheeks, fast and furious. The detective seemed to take note of this, nodding slowly, his tongue between his teeth. There was silence as I waited for him to say whatever it was he intended to say next… to see if he might form some other picture of events from what I had told him. I swore I could hear his brain ticking over the scenario.

"And you didn't think this friend of yours was worth mentioning to us?" he asked.

Well, this at least was and easy question to work around. It involved a lie, but a necessary one and I forced myself to shrug indifferently as I told it. "Not really. It's a bit hard to poison someone when you're on the other side of Europe."

"Indeed," observed the detective with a small smile, that I returned only half-heartedly. He nodded again in a satisfied way which I hoped would herald the end of this conversation. Thankfully, he took a step back, and his tone changed from serious to slightly more jovial. "Well… thank you very much once again, Miss Day. I hope I didn't take up too much of your time."

Forcing a smile, I shook my head. "No problem." It didn't seem fair for me to be so distrustful of this detective. After all, he seemed a reasonable man… and he was just doing a job. Unfortunately, his job put the people I cared about at serious risk… and nothing could make me forget that fact. We exchanged polite nods and then turned away, walking off in opposite directions. I could feel the urge to turn and look over my shoulder become almost overpowering, but I kept my hands in my pockets and my eyes on the ground in front of me.

Oh boy, Meg was going to get an earful when she got back, best friend or not. Well… actually, maybe it would be best not to mention it at all. Over-reacting to her talking to the police might make her worry more about what was going on. And it wasn't as though she had had any malicious intent. Maybe I'd just bring it up casually when she got back, let her know I wasn't angry about it… even though I was a little.

I looked around. It was awfully quiet. Probably everyone had gone into town, or were back in the boarding houses. The sky did look awfully dark, considering the time of day. The threat of rain was imminent… I could almost smell it in the air. God… I hope it wasn't some kind of omen for what might happen tonight, when Meg brought that test back. Reflectively, I placed my hands on my stomach. Was there something growing in there? A new life? A human life?

And what if there was? Worse case scenario… what would I do if I was pregnant? Leave school? Have the baby back home? Or perhaps have an abortion and pretend nothing had happened? In spite of myself, I winced at this last idea. I had always had an aversion to the idea of abortion… nothing to do with religious beliefs or anything… but personally I'd just never really wanted to think about such a thing. Of course, that had been before I had found myself in this position. It's easy to have a dislike of abortion when you're not seventeen and facing the possibility of pregnancy. And what about all the other factors I had to consider? If I didn't have an abortion, I would certainly be expelled from school… and could wave goodbye to all my plans for my future. I'd have to explain where the baby came from too… that wouldn't be easy for anyone… especially Richard.

And Erik… how would he react to it? Did he want children? A family? For all I knew he might be horrified at the idea of me being pregnant with his child, if he worried that the baby would inherit his deformity. And if that was the case, would he force me to give it up? Force me to have an abortion rather than face the possibility of his child going through the same horrors as he had?

It was not a conversation I looked forward to. Mind you, I wasn't overly keen on having to talk to Erik at all about all this. I was going to do it… I had to do it… but I was kidding myself if I thought I could just breeze through my explanation of what I had been up to these past few days.

If he didn't know already, of course.

Sighing, I went back to the house and began, automatically, to busy myself with as many everyday things as I could. Anything from my homework to just washing some clothes, I felt the urge to keep myself moving, not wanting to let my mind rest for a moment in case it began to dwell on the situation and I started breaking up in tears again. Briefly, I contemplated calling Richard and asking him to meet me, but thought better of it. I couldn't afford a repeat of last the other night. There had been too many times in the following days when I felt his urgent and reckless wish to kiss me. My feelings were confused, but not that confused… I couldn't afford to make matters worse between me and Erik.

It would be a great problem though… my feelings. I wasn't sure what was going on inside my heart anymore. Did I really love both Erik and Richard? Would the day come when I had to choose between them? God, I hoped not… what more difficult choice could there be? I didn't want to be with Erik because I was afraid he would hurt my friends if I said no… but at the same time I couldn't escape the fact that I had loved him, and probably still did. And Richard… kind, thoughtful, normal Richard… it was hard to explain how I felt towards him. Did I only love him because he was safe and normal? And did I really want to risk his life just for the chance to be normal?

No… no more thinking about that, I told myself firmly, putting pen to paper and concentrating hard on my homework once again. I poured myself into it, distracting myself from everything else until I heard, late in the afternoon, the sound of people returning to the boarding house. I barely even had the chance to stand up before I heard the sound of hurried footsteps and my door was nearly trample down by Meg. He cheeks were red and she was breathing hard… she must have run all the way from the bus.

"I got it," she said breathlessly, fishing in one of her many bags for a small box, which she held out to me. Her fingers were trembling, but not as much as mine as I took the dreaded thing from her. I forgot all about yelling at her about what she had told the detective as I read, over and over again, the label "Clearblue - Pregnancy Test".

"Well?" Meg prompted, looking ready to burst with anticipation.

After staring at the box another few minutes, I put it on the opposite end of my desk, shaking my head. "I can't do it, Meg. I can't."

"What do you mean, you can't? You've got to!"

"Why?" I shot back miserably.

"Well, if not for anything else, to stop me from worrying so much," she said with a gasping laugh. After waiting a few moments to catch her breath properly, she came and knelt down next to the chair. "Come on, Chris… at least get it out of the way. I told you, it's probably nothing. We jus want to make sure."

I shook my head. "I don't know…"

"Well, if you'd rather wait a week or two and find out another way, it's up to you. But either way, you're going to find out. So get it out of the way… then you can stop worrying about it."

Looking from Meg to the little box I sighed, shook my head, and then smiled a little. "Damn you and your logic," I said to her.

"Not just a pretty face," she said with a wink. "Come on… I'm dying here…"

So I picked up the test, spurred on by Meg's encouragement, and went off to the bathroom.

"Want me to wait outside?" she asked.

"You don't want to come in, do you?" I asked jokingly, and she mimed running away in horror. Well, at least now we could make a joke out of it. At this point I had to; otherwise I would never get through this. So I went into the toilet and locked the door behind me.

"Don't be too long," Meg called to me through the door.

No… I didn't want to make this long and drawn out. I'd get it done and out of the way quickly. So I sat down on the toilet seat and, opening the box, began to follow the instructions given to my. I could barely hold the little plastic strip, my fingers were shaking so much. I actually dropped it when Meg shouted to me from the other side of the door.

"Are you done yet?"

"Hang on," I called back, placing the little strip on the side of the sink, face down. "I have to wait a minute for it to show up properly."

Meg made an impatient noise and banged on the door, shouting at the little strip to hurry up. I wished I could have found it funny but, leaning up against one wall of the toilet, staring at that ominous little strip, nothing seemed funny. Everything had shrunk to the size of that tiny piece of plastic. A plus sign for pregnant, or a minus sign for not pregnant… my stomach quaked at the thought of which it would be.

I waited much longer than the prescribed minute, unable to bring myself to look at the thing. Even Meg had let up joking around in the seriousness of the situation, and instead she spoke softly, encouraging me once again, reassuring.

"It'll be okay… just look. You've got to look now," she told me. "Come on, Chris… please…"

The plastic strip was seized reluctantly between thumb and forefinger, and it felt like the heaviest thing in the world as I lifted it and, very slowly, began to turn it around to look at the other side. I stared for a very long time at the little symbol.

"Chris? Chris? You okay?" asked the worried voice on the other side of the door.

Still shaking, I opened the door, and Meg took a step back, taking in my expression… the look in my eyes. She glanced only briefly at the test in my hand, but my face told her all she needed to know, and she stepped closer to try and hug me.

"Don't," I said, my voice stony as I tried to prevent myself from sobbing right there. I stepped around her, suddenly unable even to look at her.

"Chris…"

"Please… just leave me alone."

"Oh, god, I'm so sorry…"

"Why?" I snapped. "It's not your fault."

I didn't see her flinch, but I knew she had. Guilt welled up, but I didn't know what else to do. Miserably, I went back to my room, refusing to hear her calling me and shutting myself away, the plastic strip clenched in my fist. I looked at the little plus sign, torn between anger and utter despair.

What was I going to do now?

I put my head in my hands. Erik… what was I going to tell him? What would happen now? I shook all over as the weight of questions and possibilities weighed down on my already burdened shoulders and put my head in my hands. I didn't sob, but my tears flowed, dripping down my face and through my fingers…

What was I going to do now?

I was jolted out of my crying misery by the infuriating sound of my mobile phone. As I picked it up, I was suddenly seized by the overwhelming desire to throw it against the wall, or crush it under my shoe. I wanted to break every single object in the room, tear it to pieces, beat down the walls… I almost did, but my eye caught sight of the caller ID, flashing Richard's name at me tauntingly. I lowered my hand, breathing harshly.

Richard… how was I ever going to explain this? What would I say?

Shaking, I pressed the button, and lifted the phone up to my ear.

"Hi, Richard."

"Good evening, Mademoiselle."

It was Erik!

Author's Note: Look who's back! Hope that pleases some people. This chapter... I was quite surprised how depressed I felt while I was writing it... the second part anyway. Poor Christine... I haven't let her have it easy in this fic. I was torn between making her pregnant or letting her off the hook, but this is more dramatic and, well... we'll see what happens with that, won't we. Sorry to leave you on a cliffie (what can I say? I love leaving you in suspense). I'll make it worth your while next week, I promise.