Alone... Forever
This is a one-shot, Snape's thoughts as he looks at Lucius and Narcissa one day.
WARNING: This is one of those slash fics (homo-sexual), but only like PG (well unless you consider homosexual itself upper rating, in which case it would be significantly higher. But if you do think that, I HIGHLY doubt you'd be reading this right now...) - you were warned...
Disclaimer: if i have said that ONE word - need i say more? i think not...
Dedication: (cliché, but true nonetheless) Devoted to those who know the balm and ache of unreturned love. For those who do, you'll understand. For those who don't, maybe this will help you understand others... Also to one girl in particular - she has pulled me through more than I care to admit and I cannot even begin to pay her back.
They were sitting at various small tables in one corner of the Hogs Head. They were all Death Eathers, soon-to-be Death Eaters, or firm supporters of Death Eaters. They group was loud and boisterous, the fire whiskey had been flowing and the laugher was infectious and brought about by the least amount of provocation. Currently one man was standing in the middle of the group giving a very exaggerated rehashing of some funny story and spilling his drink everywhere. Nobody noticed or cared except for the barkeep, but he was being paid enough that he didn't mind for long.
Only one person wasn't at least smiling.
In the corner Severus Snape seemed to be absorbed in his book as he tilted his head forward, his long black hair obscuring all of his vision except what was right ahead of him; the book and- Lucius Malfoy..
Such words conjured up a maelstrom of emotions. Across the table, Lucius Malfoy sat with his arm around Narcissa who sat next to him. The two had their gaze on the current bid for most funniest person, and were laughing and smiling at the antics. Lucius' attention was focused on the man, but his hold on the pretty slim blond beneath his arm and pressed to his side did not let up at all. She's practically in his lap, Severus noticed detachedly.
A small quirk at the corner of Lucius' smile caught Severus' wandering attention - years of habitual sneers caused his natural smiles to be half-smirk, and yet I would have him no other way.
He had been in love with the blond since his first year, but he had not realized what the filling sensation in his gut was until about two years ago. The emotions and confusion he went through was as clear in his memory as when they had occurred. No longer did he wonder, but he did hope and despair.
He remembered Lucius the day he had told him his true feelings. He was surprised and flattered, but the love was not returned. Lucius never broke from Severus thought because of that. They were as close as friends and allies as you could be in Slytherin, and yet this latest development only seemed to bring them closer together, and also farther apart at the same time. Severus knew that as long as they were allied - which he hoped would be forever - Lucius would not use that information against him. Even if someday they parted paths, Severus highly doubted that Lucius was use the information.
And yet, Lucius was every inch a loyal Death Eather, and yet, no matter what he did, Severus loved him for it, his bad and good traits. No matter what he did - Severus could not pull himself from the tall, proud, blonde man. No matter how far he went to go as high up in the ranks as he could, Severus would not wrench him from his mind.
He knew there was no chance. He was thin, pale, greasy, ugly, and above all else - a guy. Lucius had Narcissa; willowy, curvy, soft, pretty - and every inch the woman. And yet, he could not stop himself from hoping, from dreaming. Being in Lucius' presence both mended and broke his heart. And yet he could find no way to break free - no way to cease his love, his thoughts, or his actions in following the older man around. He was with him and he was whole, he hoped, he loved. And them reality, harsh reality, broke in and he would find himself in despair, knowing that there was no chance, no hope, only despair and yearning left to him.
He had to tear himself away - he NEEDED to tear himself away. He couldn't keep doing this to himself. He had to break off the relationship, end it. Lucius had Narcissa, he wouldn't notice, he would survive. But himself on the other hand, I don't know what it'll do to me. But if there is the chance I can let him go, let him live his life without the little nagging worry about me in his head... If I can move on, maybe I can find someone else, maybe I can move on. But he couldn't, he couldn't find the reasons or will power.
And so he was left where he was - watching, stealing precious moments to fill his gaze, heart, and memories of the one he loved. For he could do nothing more...
Hey, OOC i know... Snape isn't so smart and Lucius is a lot more kind, but yeh...
Please review, this is the first slash fic I've written and I would like to hear feed-back.
Kit