Losing Yourself – Changes

Luckily when she arrived Hank was asleep so Buffy snuck into her room and stashed her money. After that Buffy's cell phone rang The gang gave it to her as a good bye present. She picked up the phone and couldn't believe who was calling her…

"Hello…"

"Hello lover,"

"Angel…"

"So, Buff, what kinds of things can we talk about,"

"Well, lets start with the question how did you get my cell phone number?"

"Easy, I found it after your little gang and cleaned up after…" Buffy could tell that he was smirking when he said his next words. "…the dead old corpse. All they did was take the body, buy a coffin, and buried her themselves."

"I don't have to listen to you ya know. I can easily hang up."

"Oh, but I wouldn't do that if I were you, Buff. I mean your not in town, you can't protect your friends."

"Stay away from them!"

"Then listen up if you don't want your friends dead. You really should have heard your mother. Every time I hit her, she cried out…it was like music to my ears. To bad you weren't there to save her, I mean you really let her down this time."

"…………………………"

"What's the matter Buff, cat got your tough. Or you just realizing that you let everyone down?"

Buffy's POV

God, he's right. If I had just got there faster, I could have…no I should have gotten there. It's my fault.

"Your right… it was my fault…"

"I bet your mom is disgusted with a daughter that couldn't even find her in time to help her. Well, Buff, I guess our time here on the phone is up, be seeing you soon."

Click…. The phone went dead on the other line. God…I don't deserve to live. All I had to do was go home and save my mom but I couldn't even do that. I let her down and now she is dead. I don't deserve to be alive.

And with that in mind Buffy went into her bathroom and found a razor. She took the blade to her wrists and dragged it across her wrist. Blood poured from the cut and she just held her arm in pour bliss. I shouldn't like this, but it makes me forget about everything for at least a few seconds.

Buffy ran into the bathroom and turned the faucet on the sink and put her cut under the sink. The water washed away and the cut had already healed (thanks to slayer healing) but it left behind a very visible mark. Then she took the blade and stuck it in a drawer.

After washing off her arm and hiding the blade, Buffy decided that she wasn't hungry but really tired so she got dressed in short cotton shorts and a matching tank top. Then she climbed into bed and snuggled into her pillow.

She slept for a few hours and she suddenly just woke up. She looked at her clock, it read: "12:42 a.m.". Great well I guess I am up now, but what to do. Buffy wasn't feeling herself, she had a sudden hate of the world and all of the people. And there was a sadness of not paying attention about her mother's death, and guilt for letting it happen.

Buffy got out of bed and went to her closet, looked around at all the colors of her clothes and a disgusted look appeared on her face. Then she went in the bathroom and went under the sink and took out a box from the cabinet. She opened the box and put it together and tapped it in place. Then she went in the closet and threw all of the colored clothes in a box and then she taped the box up and put the box in the way back of her closet in a corner.

With this done the only thing left in her closet was black skin, tight leather pants and a plain black shirt. So she threw them on and grabbed all of her money, which was more than what she needed, and she climbed out her window and onto the ground. Once she was on the ground she headed toward the mall. God my dad sleeps all day and all night. He is such a lazy ass! Well at least it keeps him from torchering me.

She walked for a while and her destination came into view. She walked through the main doors and walked to the store, which now held her interest (Hot Topic). Luckily the store was still open and the clerk greeted her.

"Hey, Lela…"

"Hi Buffy, let me guess you came to buy some stuff."

Buffy just nodded not interested in talking.

"Well go ahead and remember that you have discounts."

Buffy just ignored her and browsed through the clothes. She found a whole bunch of clothes that she bought, which consisted of: skirts with chains, chained pants, band shirts, and a lot of revealing clothes. Then she moved onto shoes and boots, she bought pairs of black-chained boots and pairs of black shoes. Then she bought a whole bunch of cds, perfumes, chokers, rings, bracelets, and crossed necklaces. After purchasing all of this stuff she went up to the counter.

"Excuse me… do you give piercing here?"

"Um…yeah. I am able to give any kind of piercing you want."

"Ok… um I want my eye brow, cartilage, tongue, and belly button done."

"Sure just follow me."

Lela lead Buffy to the back room and she had Buffy sit in a chair.

"Ok lets do your cartilage first."

Lela took an earring that had a black jewel that was visible, and put it into a gun and went over to mark her ears. Then she picked up the gun and lined it up with the blue dot on her ear and she pulled the trigger. The earring went in and it didn't hurt that much. Then did the process with Buffy's tongue, eyebrow, and belly button.

By this point Buffy was sore all over but it didn't bother her too much. She went up to the counter and paid for the piercing and grabbed her bags and headed to another store before the mall closed. She walked into "Victoria Secrets" and went over to all of the black lacy bras and grabbed 10 of them all different but still lacy and black. Then she went over to the black silk bikini style underwear and grabbed 12 pairs of them. She took the items up to the counter and paid for them and took all of her bags (from Hot Topic and Victoria Secrets) and ran out of the mall and to her father's house.

She reached the house and climbed through her window and into her room. She listened to see if her dad had gotten up… nope that's good. Then she opened her closet and hung up all of her new clothes, which covered her whole closet. Then she lined up all of her shoes on the side of her closet and piled all of her jewelry, perfume, cds, ect. in a drawer.

Then she slipped on pajamas that she just bought. They were black silk with matching pants and tank top. Once she dressed again she walked into the bathroom with guilt building up in her gut once again. Her legs felt as though they would give out but she ignored it. She just opened the drawer, which contained the blade, and she sat on the bathroom floor. This is the only way to make the pain go away for at least a few moments. I have to do this.

And she took the blade to her wrist, right in the in back of her first mark, and dug the blade down into her wrist HARD. This time instead of it pouring out, it gushed out and pooled on the floor. Surprisingly it didn't even touch her pajamas, but it just got every where else. She grabbed a towel and put pressure on the cut and the bleeding slowed down a bit so she turned on the sink and washed her arm.

After cleaning her arm she cleaned the blood off the floor in her bathroom. She had to admit she did a good job at cleaning cause the bathroom was sparkling clean. She picked up the towel and hid it in her closet. (She puts pretty much everything in there) Then she looked at her wrists and yet again another visible scar appeared. So she just stood there staring at it and then she finally came out of her trance and climbed into bed. In a few weeks I will be free of this house and I will return home……