.The Maddness of Dolores Umbridge and How She Came To Be.
By: Shadow/Li

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

Summary: Just a humor fic on how Dolores Umbridge came to be. Why does she hate halfbreeds, look like a toad, and love frilly things? Read and find out in this crack fic.

A/N: Oneshot project by SisterShadow. Just popped into my head one day and I just had to write it.

-0-0--0-0-

Dulcea Umbridge was by no means pretty nor ugly, but in fact quite plain, in an unusual way. Her nose was just a bit too large and round, eyes too close together, and lips thin and pale. Her face, round, and body, stout and chubby, helped none at all. But Dulcea was a happy child who loved nature most of all, and was more oft than not found playing in the back woods of her parent's land.

At sixteen, and was still plain of face, short of height and round of waiste. No suiter came to the door, not that Dulcea would've been in the house anyway. She still played in the woods, watching plants and animals with facination.

Her mother, Delcima (it was a family tradition for every girl to have a name starting with 'D' and every boy 'L' or 'E'), turned to the father, Elias, and said, "If our daughter finds no huspand soon, however will we have grandchildren?" For Dulcea was an only child.

"Never fear, my darling," sad the father. "We shall set a limit for her, and if she still has not a huspand by then, we'll arrange for one."

"What a wonderful idea, huspand mine." His wife embraced him. "An age appropriate would be 21, think you not?"

"Fine age it is," Elias replied, too embracing his wife.

Their daughter was told when she came for dinner, and said only, "Twenty-one is a long time in coming. I shall be ready by then."

Unknown to the neighbers, who thought only the child unusual, the Umbridges were witches and wizards back generations. Dulcea was taught the art of wizardry from a young age, finding only the subjects of Transfiguration and Care of Magical Creatures facinating.

At eighteen, and still no huspand, Dulcea said to her parents, "Two years I shall go into the world and find a huspand. In two years I will come back, wed and happy, for my parent's blessing. Do you consent?"

Delcima and Elias exchanged glances, before smiling.

"We concent, daughter," said the father.

"Find a man worthy of you my daughter," said the mother.

"Thank you, mother, father. I will. I will," said the daughter.

And so she went into the world of wizards for the first time, having lived a sheltered, wild life.

What she found, though, was not what she expected.

There was no man, from Emils to Lukas, that wanted such a plain, plump girl. She was always too short, or too chubby, or her eyes were too close together, or her nose too long and face too round. Nothing she did pleased any of them, and so, after only one and a half years away, she snuck back onto her parent's land and cried by the river she'd used to visit every day.

In the village not far away, muggle gossipers wondered what had happened to that plain Umbridge girl who'd always bring back food to her parents from the village.

"Probably ran away with a frog!" cackled one as the others laughted.

Everyone one thought Dulcea odd when she came to town with a basket full of frogs, chatting a one-sided conversation with them. When asked, she'd said only, "They have such interesting things to say." For days after, she could always be seen with a reptile somewhere on her person, and labeled obsessed with frogs.

Untrue, though. Dulcea loved not frogs, but toads. Especially the one comforting her right now.

"Cry not, my sweet. We have missed you here, for the monthes you disappeared. What can stop this hurt in your heart?" it asked, sincerely concerned.

"Oh!" sobbed Dulcea, clutching the unnamed toad to her chest. "Nothing but a huspand, for I have only six monthes to find one before my mother and father so choose one!"

"Ache not your heart," said the toad. "Whatever will stop your suffering we shall give you."

Yet again a clever idea came to Dulcea. She stopped her tears for just a moment.

"Anything to stop this sorrow?"

"Anything, my lady," replied the toad.

"Hold still, my love. I shall have a huspand in you."

Transfiguration of an animal to a human was not illigal in those days, so she did nothing unlawful as she caused the toad to form into a man. He was as plain as she, with a round face, too small nose, close-together eyes, and lips much to thin and pale, but to her he was all she could wish for in a huspand.

"I am human, my lady. What do you wish of me?" asked the former toad.

"Join me in marrage, my love, and give me a daughter." For she so longed for a little, plain girl of her own.

"As you wish, my lady. You may call me Lerato."

And so Dulcea went to her parents six monthes early with the perfect huspand just for her. A wedding was planned and done, and two years later they were blessed with a baby girl.

"What shall we name her, my lady?" asked Lerato, only a 1/2 inch taller than his stout wife.

"Dolores. Such a perfect name for a perfect little girl."

And so Dolores Umbrige was born, a perfect female replica of her father, and dressed in pink frilly clothes.

Dulcea dotted on her daughter and would hear nothing bad about her, going so far as to subtly turn a child green when he said her child was ugly as a toad. Lerato, on the other hand, did only as his lady said, the perfect doormat huspand for his overprotective wife to take advantage of.

Dolores grew older quickly, five years old in no time at all. She always heard how adorable she was from both parents and had no friends in the village because they were 'ignorant muggles'. Grandma Delcy and Grandpa Ely also dotted upon their cute little grandaughter who looked like a human toad.

At ten she was taught magic at a private school called St. Hellen's. The children teased her, and she flooed home crying the first time, into the comforting arms of her mother. Dulcea soothed her daughter, pecked her on the forhead, and bought her an even frillier -if possible- dress of pressious pink.

"Ignore them, Dolores dear. You're adorable, no matter what they say."

She, unfortunatly, beleived her mother, and went back to school in a much better mood.

For the next seven years she tried to ignore the teasing, taunting, and supposed untruthes of a toad being her father. She bottled up the anger in a deep part of her mind and said nothing again to her parents.

At twenty, Dolores came home of the holidays, having just started a job in the Ministry and wanting to tell her beloved parents the good news. But as we all know, no magic can last forever, and twenty-two years since the spell was cast with no renewal, Lerato turned back into his original form.

A toad.

He greeted his daughter in said form as she came, smiling and happy, into their living room.

"Hello, daughter. We would have told you sooner, but up until now there has been no 'right time'," said the toad, raising a webbed foot.

"I am not the daughter of a frog!" said Dolores, deep in denile.

"No." His worty face attempted a smile, if a reptile could. "I am a toad."

Dulcea then entered the room, smiling plesently at her beloved daughter. "Welcome home, Dolores dear. I see you have seen your father."

"I am not the daughet of a frog," said Dolores again, staring off as if this was not happening.

"Your father is a toad, Dolores dear," corrected her mother.

"I feel like French tonight," the daughter said with a creepy smile her oblivious mother only thought made her adorable daughter even cuter.

"I am a toad," said the father again, hoping to the chair closest his daughter.

Dolores' insane smile only grew.

From then on, her maddness started with frog's legs.

And ended with centuars.

--End--

-0-0--0-0-

A/N: Hoped you enjoyed it and at least laughted a little.

Sister Shadow/Li