Notes:Sorry this took so long. Thank you SO much to everyone who reviewed/reviews!

Disclaimer: As usual, I own nothing.

--Personal Stuff Chapter Five--

Catherine listened as the door to her house slammed behind her. Her feet seemed to be propelling her toward the Denali, though she was not thinking about where she was going to go. In fact, her brain didn't seem to functioning at all. The only thing she knew was that she had to get out of there. She was still wearing her pajamas and a robe, but she didn't care. She just had to get away from him. Damn that man. How did he always manage to be so infuriating!

As she climbed into the Denali and started the engine, using the spare key that was left in there for emergencies, she saw Grissom open the door and come out. Tears blurred her vision, but she continued backing out of the driveway, despite his motioning for her to come back. That he couldn't come after her was her only source of comfort, as he had arrived in a taxi the night before.

Catherine stared out onto the long highway that stretched ahead of her, her thoughts keeping her occupied. The weather seemed to have sensed her mood. It was dark and cloudy, the raindrops on the windshield mirroring the tears that streamed down her face, and dripped onto her robe.

Catherine desperately hoped she had not ruined their friendship by blowing up at him and telling him everything. If she had, she would never forgive herself. To let something as precious as that slip away because of her selfishness...Catherine couldn't even begin to describe how she would feel, it would be so bad. She was already mad at herself for possibly endangering their freindship, just as it was strengthening again. Why couldn't she have been satisfied with what she had?

Her mind traveled back to the night before, to the scene she had relived more times in one night than she would have thought humanly possible. She still didn't know what he meant. She probably never would. But in the back of her mind, where she pushed it, it haunted her. Haunted her until she couldn't take it anymore, and always went back to it. Analyzing what she knew should not be analyzed. Pondering over an unsolvable problem.

And this morning? Even more confusing. Why, oh why, did the man have to be so confusing? He had made the first move. But he had also apologized. That could be interpreted so many ways. Had he wanted to kiss her in the first place? Had he not enjoyed it? She had been the one to back away. In so many ways, now, she wished she hadn't. Because now she had no way of knowing whether he would have if she didn't. But he had said he was sorry. Then she had lost it. Him appologizing for something she had wanted so desperately and for so long was the last straw for her. She had broken down under the pain and pressure of all the burdens she had been carrying around for so long. She had poured it out to him, albeit by yelling, but she hadn't been thinking rationally at the time. In fact, she had not really been thinking at all if she were honest. She had been feeling. Feeling hurt, feeling rejection, feeling curiosity, and feeling love. Love for the man who was standing so close, yet was so far away.

Yes, he had been hurt, but so had she. She knew what it was like. Aside from her own experience, she had known what pain he had been going through. She had listened to him, hurt and cried for him and with him.

She had taken that leap of faith this morning, anyway. Despite the knowledge that he might reject her. But he had done neither in the short time between the time she stopped speaking, and the time she ran out the door. She had wanted him to return the sentiment immedietely, not allowing her time to get out that door. If he had just said those three little words to her, then they would be together right now. And they would be happy, which was a direct contrast to every emotion she felt at the moment. If he would just love her, she would love him with everything in her heart, mind, soul, and body if given the chance. In fact, she already did. But his heart was not in her hands for her to care for; to soothe, to love.

Eddie, Chris, Paul. All of them had lied to her at some point or another. She had been betrayed so many times. Why couldn't she have just let that kiss take its course; if indeed, it would have led anywhere. All she wanted was the truth. Whether he loved her or not, she could handle it. But it was so much harder not knowing. Not knowing if, at that very moment, the love of your life is wondering about you, too. Or if they are simply planning the "I do not love you in that way. I'm sorry" speech that every man or woman dreads hearing.

Truth was not hard to understand, it was strictly black and white. But somehow, when it came to matters of the heart, truth was so complicated, so open to interpretation.

He spoke in riddles so often. A comment here, a remark there that could be interpreted so many different ways. But he would always act so normal, as if nothing had happened. So Catherine had simply assumed that nothing had--That the remarks had no hidden meanings that she always subconsciously searched for.

There were so many moments during the time they had known each other that they had engaged in "flirting." But that was just something they did. It didn't mean anything. Or did it? God, what if she had been misinterpreting everything he did the last twenty years? What had he meant the night before? He was drinking because of her, not Heather. Could that have really meant what the obvious answer was? Was he as in love with her as she was with him? Was he just too scared, or to be more accurate, petrified, to take that chance again? If he was, she definitely knew how he felt. But he had apologized. She just couldn't get over that. Why would he apologize if he didn't mean it? 'Because he was afraid, and you pulling back was no encouragement.' an encouraging voice inside her head whispered.

She lived for him every day. His smile, his touch, his quiet wisdom. Every little quote or phrase he had told her throughout the years somehow stayed with her. Sometimes, when she watched him without his knowledge, the intense longing she felt for him in every way almost made her feel sick, it was so strong. All of ached for him, so very much. Physically, she had wanted him from the moment they met. Even when she wasn't supposed to; when she was married to Eddie. And emotionally? She had learned the hard way that twenty years of love did not vanish or fade with time; but rather, it grew stronger. It grew so much, along with her bodily desires, that anything she had ever felt for even Eddie paled in comparison.

She did love him. She wasn't just using him for selfish reasons, like Heather had. It wasn't just a schoolgirl crush like Sara had felt for him. And she wasn't just fascinated with him, like Lady Heather had been. In truth, it was a little of all of those, and more. Yes, she did want him for selfish reasons. But not only for herself. For him as well, because she would never want him, could never be happy knowing that he wasn't, if he did not truly love her. Sure, she had a crush on him. She found him so attractive, he made her heart skip the proverbial beat. And she was fascinated with him. It was impossible not to be; he was an enigma. You never knew what he was feeling unless he volunteered that information, which he didn't very often. What Catherine felt was so much more than even all of that. It was an indescribable love and passion that bordered on an obsession.

Something inside of her whispered that if she didn't turn back, she would never know how he truly felt. But it was so hard. Despite the fact that she had already admitted her love for him, it was hard. To go back, to see how her words had effected him. Because she knew that they had, or he would not have come after her. The question was, how had they effected him? He had been shocked; that much was obvious. But what else had he felt? Had he been disappointed? Scared? Happy? Catherine didn't know.

But she was going to find out.

Taking a deep breath in a futile attempt to calm herself, Catheirine slowly pulled into a vacant parking lot to turn around. Her hands moved of their own free will to turn the Denali around. She would go talk to him. He did deserve it. And even if he didn't, she did. She had to do this. She could not stand the thought of knowing that she might have had him, but had lost him.

All pride had already been tossed aside when she admitted how she felt about him earlier. She didn't care any more. All she cared about was her happiness. Which would be theirs, because if he didn't love her as she loved him, her already shattered heart would feel as if it had been ripped out of her chest and thrown to the ground for a thousand horses to tread on.

But if he did love her, as she dared to think he might, then maybe, just maybe, her heart would be whole again. In his possession, as his would be in hers. She would care for his heart more carefully than if it were her own--would never intentionally bruise or hurt it in any way.

He would know that when she found him. And she hoped to God that that was all that was holding him back; that he was only afraid as she had been. But Pandora's Box had been opened now. There was no turning back.

Into the world of mystery, she drove; finally ready to face the one man who's words would either make her or break her.

TBC...