Part VII – Aqua-fur
Fett wanted to kill something. The demoness would have been his first choice had she not been indestructible – her constant flirting and suggestive manner toward him was severely wearing on his nerves. His next choice would probably have been Skywalker, since as long as he was in a murderous mood he might as well get a little revenge for being thrown to the sarlaac. He'd probably save Anakin for last; the man had been the closest thing to a friend he'd ever had back in their galaxy, and Fett had to admit an ingrained sense of honor kept him from wishing the man harm.
He wanted out of Xanth. He was not yet desperate enough to kill himself to escape the game – even a bounty hunter fears death in any form. But the sooner he worked his way out of this screwball game, the better. If he stayed here much longer, he'd be driven to madness. Between the puns, Mentia, and Anakin's coming back to life – which still hadn't been explained to him – nothing made sense anymore, and that was too much for him to handle.
/At least our galaxy makes sense. None of this pun nonsense or magic…/
"See anything back there, Fett?" asked Luke.
"No," he growled. "Nothing of use, anyhow."
Anakin circled the field again, and everyone else scanned the area from their seats on the dragon-man's back. According to Jenny and Anakin, the Good Magician's castle should have been located in this general area, but there was no castle to be found. In fact, there were no houses, barns, or even a rundown shack to mark the dwelling of the supposedly all-powerful being that could help them fulfill their quest.
"The last time we came to Xanth, it was a skyscraper," Luke explained, leaning over a bit more.
"It changes a lot," Jenny replied. "The Good Magician's constantly remodeling."
"Yeah, but even that old hack wouldn't up and raze the place to the ground, would he?" demanded Mentia. "He's not that senile yet…"
"Shut up," Fett hissed.
"You're not my Player or my boss, Fett, so don't tell me what to do," she snapped, sticking her tongue out.
/Enough, you two/ ordered Anakin telepathically.
"Could finding his castle be one of our three challenges?" asked Leia.
"Maybe," answered Jenny. "Sometimes it's invisible, or underground, or disguised…"
Luke, who'd just opened his mouth to say something, suddenly began hacking and coughing.
"Luke, are you okay?" asked Leia.
"Yeah," he replied hoarsely, clearing his throat several times and making a disgusted face. "I think I just swallowed a bug."
Jenny giggled behind her hand. "Sorry, Luke… but it is kind of funny."
Fett gestured toward the ground. "Land, Anakin. We've seen nothing from the air. Might as well search on foot now."
Anakin began his descent. As they drifted closer to the ground a metallic flash caught Fett's eye.
"Over there," he said, pointing.
Once Anakin had landed and resumed human form, the group ventured over for a closer look. The flash Fett had seen turned out to be light reflected from the iron hinge of a door that was otherwise completely obscured by vegetation. Luke and Leia quickly cleared away the overgrown grass to reveal the wooden door, which lay flush with the ground as if someone had simply thrown it away. But when Fett reached down and pulled on the handle, it wouldn't budge.
"Careful," Jenny urged. "It could be a trap door. All sorts of unsavory types use them to capture unsuspecting people."
"I don't think they'd lock a trap door," Luke replied, kneeling by the door and tapping the strange locking mechanism – a mass of twisted, serpentine metal that was either an extremely elaborate lock or just a tangled mess.
"It's a Lock Ness," Mentia said. "Monstrous things…"
"I'll handle this," Fett said gruffly, crouching to inspect the lock. In his line of work he'd had to pick apart locks of almost every make and caliber. He had yet to see the lock that could prove a match for him. He smiled grimly, somewhat glad that he was finally facing a challenge he was familiar with.
But nearly half an hour later he was ready to kill something again. He couldn't pick the snarled metal apart, couldn't untwist it, couldn't break it, and even attempting to melt it with his flamethrower had produced no results.
"Everyone look around," suggested Anakin. "The Good Magician often leaves clues in the vicinity. Scour the area, and collect anything that looks out of the ordinary."
/Out of the ordinary? This whole PLANET'S out of the ordinary/ But Fett didn't voice his opinion, just kicked the locked door and set off with the others.
The search turned up a number of interesting items – a griffon's feather, a snake's shed skin, a discarded goblin spear, a nest of ovenbird eggs that almost glowed with heat, a tiger lily that nearly took a chunk out of Luke's leg before Leia squashed it, a faded map, a branch of sweet-smelling rosewood, and a few oddly colored rocks. Jenny spread these items out on a blanket to inspect them more closely.
"We could use the ovenbird eggs to melt the lock," she suggested. "Or the goblin's spear to pick it, or the rocks to smash it…"
"Fett's already tried all that," Luke pointed out.
"Perhaps the lock is enchanted," Anakin recommended. "So that the only tools that can open the lock are those designated by the Good Magician."
"Well, let's look at everything again," Jenny said with her usual unflagging optimism. "Feather, snakeskin, spear, eggs, lily, map, rosewood, rocks…"
"Map," mused Leia. "A map of what?"
"A map of some part of Mundania. I've never been there, so I can't say…"
"Let me see the map," Leia requested.
Jenny handed it over, and Leia examined it closely.
"What we need is a key," Fett growled. "A key to open the lock…"
"I found a key." Leia held the map by one edge over the blanket and shook it sharply. With a thunk an ancient iron key tumbled from the aged paper.
"Of course!" Luke realized. "Maps have keys!"
Anakin smiled. "Good job, Leia."
Leia didn't reply or even acknowledge Anakin's reply. She merely picked up the key and turned to the door. Inserting the key into an opening, she twisted. The tangled metal slithered apart, and she pulled the door open. Anakin sighed heavily.
"First challenge down!" Jenny shouted optimistically.
Beneath the door was a narrow staircase, but only the first few steps were visible. The rest were swallowed up by darkness.
"Metria, can you turn into a firefly again?" Luke asked.
"I'm Mentia, flyboy, not Metria, and no, I'm not obligated to help you out," she retorted. "I'm not involved in the game, remember?"
"Then why do you insist on following us?" asked Leia, arching an eyebrow.
"'Cause when a demoness sets her sights on an attractive male, she doesn't give up very easily." She winked at Fett.
"Slut," Fett snarled.
"Prude," she retorted.
"I'll go," Anakin volunteered. "My shape-shifting talent isn't limited to dragons, after all. Any flying animal is covered."
"Thanks, Father," Luke said with a smile.
Anakin vanished, and in his place a glowing insect darted through the doorway and followed the steps, illuminating their way.
Fett hurried after him, the demoness hot on his heels, predictably. Xanth might be almost tolerable, he thought, without the promiscuous creature around. Despite her accusation, though, he was no prude. He simply saw involvement with another – be it physical or emotional involvement – as a complication to be avoided. He was content with life as a bachelor bounty hunter. He didn't need a mistress or girlfriend to tangle it up, especially a soulless nymphomaniac.
The staircase ended abruptly in swiftly flowing water. They were in a tunnel now, one that housed an underground river. The ripple and sigh of the rushing water reverberated from the walls and dulled every other sound.
"Now what?" asked Luke.
"Is the water safe?" asked Leia.
"Why don't you test it for us?" offered Mentia.
/Mentia, have some tact/ Anakin ordered, landing on Luke's shoulder.
"So what's our challenge?" asked Luke. "Do we have to swim upstream…"
"Wait a minute," Jenny said seriously, staring at the water. "Something's not right." She bent down and touched the water's black surface with a fingertip.
"Is that wise, Jenny…" began Leia.
She lifted her finger, which showed no obvious change. "Everyone feel the water."
Fett pulled off a glove and held the bare hand under the water. The fluid slipping through his fingers felt oily and abnormally warm, and a rainbowed film of grease shone on the dark surface. When he inhaled deeply, he detected a weird chemical smell.
"It's polluted," he realized.
"Right," Jenny replied, wiping her hand off on her pants. "This is an aqua-fur, and I'll bet it's the one that brings water to the Good Magician's Castle and Castle Roogna, Xanth's capital. The surface of the water should be covered with fine clear fur, like a glass tiger. But someone's tainted the water and sickened the aqua-fur."
"Horrible," Luke murmured. "Can we fix it?"
/The only way to fix the problem permanently is through Mundania/ Anakin replied. /Many of Xanth's waterways begin there. Unfortunately, the Mundanians are not careful with their waterways and have let many of them become fouled. Normally the gargoyles purify the waterways so as not to taint Xanth, but it appears this gargoyle has become lax in his duties./
"Then we find the gargoyle and find a way to motivate him," Luke suggested.
"Our job is to solve the challenge, not fix all Xanth's problems," Fett snarled.
"You don't have to help if you don't want to, Fett," Luke told him. "But we're not going any further until we do something to help purify the aqua-fur."
He rolled his eyes, but thanks to the helmet the gesture went unseen.
"Where would this gargoyle be?" asked Leia.
"Probably at the head of the aqua-fur, where it enters Xanth," Jenny replied.
"Stang," Luke hissed, and the water bubbled ominously for a second. "We can't trek all the way back to the beginning to find a gargoyle."
"Maybe we don't have to," Jenny replied. "Maybe there's a way to contact the gargoyle without leaving this tunnel."
Luke puzzled over that for a moment. Then he turned to Fett.
"You had something with you that helped you defeat Com Pewter. What was it?"
Fett drew it out of his pocket. "It's the Germ of an Idea. A sorceress explained it to me." He handed the Germ over.
/Careful/ Anakin warned. /The Germ can only be used a certain number of times, after which it loses its power. And if you keep it too long, it can sicken you./
Luke touched the Germ to his head. His brow furrowed in concentration.
"Mentia, I need you to turn into…" he began.
"Nuh-uh, Lukey," she retorted. "How many times do I have to tell you? I'm – not – anyone's – Companion! I don't have to help you if I don't want to!"
Luke shrugged, handing the Germ back to Fett. "All right then, I won't ask you. You probably couldn't turn into what I had in mind anyway."
Mentia glowered. "I can turn into anything, mush-head."
Fett chuckled softly. Luke had the right idea now. Trying to appeal to Mentia's nonexistent good side was useless – he had to appeal to her pride to get some use out of her.
"Oh, I don't think you could turn into a grapevine…"
"Of course I can!"
"Sorry, but maybe if you showed me…"
"Ha!" she crowed, and her body lengthened to stretch down the tunnel in the direction opposite the river's flow. She became a woody vine that clung to the tunnel wall, burgeoning with leaves and creepers, and a cluster of plump violet berries hung from one end.
Leia stared a moment. "Okay, I give up. Where's the pun?"
"Don't you know the phrase 'heard it through the grapevine?'" asked Jenny.
Leia shook her head.
"Oh well. You must not have grapevines in your galaxy. They're great communication tools. You just talk into the bunch of grapes there, and whoever's on the other end can hear you."
Experimentally Luke put his mouth to the cluster. "Hello?"
A snore reverberated down the vine and issued from the grapes.
"Hello!"
Whoever was on the other end snorted and coughed. "Hngh? Whazzat?"
"Is this the gargoyle that's in charge of the aqua-fur?" asked Luke. "Your water's pretty filthy…"
"Yeah, yeah," came the reply. The gargoyle uttered a few choice words that made some of the grapevine's leaves wilt. "Just don't tell anyone I fell asleep on the job, or I'm in for it. Okay, purifying the aqua-fur…"
The water brightened, then bristled with diamond-clear fur. The foul chemical odor dissipated, and the air around them became chilled as the waters resumed a more normal temperature.
"Thanks," Luke told the gargoyle. "By the way, which way to the Good Magician's Castle?"
"Follow the aqua-fur. Just jump in and go with the flow; it's not deep."
"Thanks again…" Luke began.
The grapevine contracted, becoming Mentia again. Finding Luke's face close to hers, she grabbed his head before he could back away and planted a huge kiss on his lips. Leia and Anakin responded with alarming speed – Leia pulled Luke away while Anakin took on the form of a hissing winged snake.
"Geez, don't get so temperamental," Mentia grumbled, backing away.
Fett smiled. At least it was Skywalker and not himself.
The gargoyle had been right – when they entered the water and went with the flow, it carried them to a wooden door set on a stone island. The end of their journey… but didn't they still have a final task to complete?
Hauling himself out of the water, Fett examined the door carefully. It was simply standing in midair, looking as if it should fall over any minute. When he walked behind the door, he saw nothing – except, of course, the other side of the door. It apparently led to nowhere.
By this time everyone had hauled themselves onto the island, and they all took a minute to inspect the door.
"There's some kind of graffiti on this side," Luke pointed out.
Fett had a look. "It's a riddle. Curse it all, it's always riddles."
"Learn to appreciate riddles a little more," Anakin advised with a smile. "Then you might learn to appreciate Xanth as well. I know."
Fett glared at him. "When this insanity's all over, I deserve an explanation as to how you ended up here and why you like this blasted land so much."
"All in good time, Fett," Anakin chuckled.
Fett shook his head and turned his attention back to the writing on the door. It was written in some sort of white ink that had dripped and bled somewhat, but it was legible enough.
"If I am lying, I tell you no lie.
If I am truthful, believe me and die.
What I say first is good but not true.
What I say second is what you should do.
Go from the north, but not from that way.
Go forward, not backward, and you'll save the day."
He checked his compass – the door with the painted riddle was facing south, so if he went through this side he would be entering from the north. But it said "not from that way…"
"This is going to take awhile," Luke realized. "I was never very good at riddles."
"I'll help you, Luke," Leia told him.
"Thanks…" he began, then grimaced and put a hand to his forehead.
"What is it?"
"I dunno… suddenly I don't feel so hot."
"Sit down," Leia urged. "Maybe you're just tired."
"Was it the Germ?" asked Jenny.
"I'm not sure," Anakin replied. "All the same, perhaps it's best if you got rid of it quickly, Fett."
Fett pulled the Germ out of his pocket, dropped it on the ground, and crushed it under his heel. If this thing caused sickness, it wasn't worth trying to use it to solve the riddle.
/The first two lines are the key/ he thought. /"If I am lying, I tell you no lie." So if the riddle lies, it's actually telling the truth. And if it's telling the truth, it's lying./
"What I say first is good but not true." So that was actually the truth. And the next line – "What I say second is what you should do" – would be a lie, even though it professed to be the truth. That left the last two lines.
"Go from the north, but not from that way," he said aloud. Whatever that meant… "Go forward, not backward…"
That was it! What the riddle said first – good but not true, though it was actually truth according to the first line – was the truth, and what the riddle said second – a truth that was actually a lie – was the key. They had to go through the south side of the door, but go through backward, so that they were facing north. It was all very confusing, but if it was the right answer…
"Go through the other side of the door," Fett ordered the others. "But go through back first."
"Are you sure?" asked Jenny warily.
"Positive."
"You first, scrapheap," Mentia advised.
"Gladly," he retorted, opening the door from the south side and backing through.
He emerged in what looked to be a library – disorganized and musty, but a library. Books crammed every floor-to-ceiling shelf, rose in column-like stacks all around, and littered the desk where a grayed, gnomish old man hunched in study. He looked up at Fett, regarded him quizzically over his spectacles, then returned to his text.
"I seek the Good Magician," Fett told him.
"Yes, yes, I know," the man grumbled. "I've known you were coming, though I didn't expect you all to show up at once." He flipped a page. "When you go back out, tell the others they don't need to come in. You all solved the challenges together, so you all get one answer."
"And what if we had separate questions?" Fett demanded.
"Don't try to trip me up, boy," the Good Magician advised grouchily. "You all seek the same thing, don't you? To win the game?"
Fett nodded slowly.
"Then you all get the same answer. Now voice your question."
"If you know the question already, you don't need me to voice it."
The Good Magician raised an eyebrow. "Do you want an answer or not?"
Fett snarled. "Where can we find the prize?"
"In the catacombs," Humphrey replied. "Now go."
Fett gave a magnanimous bow and turned to leave.
"And when you leave the aqua-fur, there'll be someone waiting for you by the door," the Good Magician said in brusque farewell. "Her name is Phillipa. Take her with you; you'll need her services."
"Who the hell is Phillipa?"
"Is that a second question?"
Fett snarled and left the chamber, wondering just who/what this Phillipa was and what use she could possibly be.