Author's Note: A double post today! Aren't you lucky? This one is post-Twilight, but that's not the center of the story, it's just hinted at…

The Art of Pickup

Lessons in trying to get a girlfriend as observed by Tony DiNozzo

I was in a bar and she had sat by me with an empty seat on her other side. I smiled, she smiled and we ordered drinks. I asked her what her name was. "Jen," she says with a smile. "I'm Tony," I say with my best smile. "What do you do for a living, Tony?" This is my favorite part. "I work for the government," I say confidently. "What part?" she asks, her interest piqued. "NCIS, it's kind of like CSI in the Navy." "Wow!" she says. I'm about to ask about her job as another man sits beside her. "Oh, Tony, this is my husband, Steve." She says, smiling. I try to remain conversational, but I leave about five minutes later.

Rule #1: Always look for a ring.

Another day, another bar. This girl was hot. Long blonde hair, the cutest nose, green sparkling eyes. No ring. We had started talking and once again, we get to my favorite part. "I work for the government. NCIS." "Is like CSI?" Her I.Q. points just took a huge nose dive in my opinion. She was still hot. "Kind of, it's like CSI in the Navy." "I bet it's a dangerous job." Oh here it comes. "Yeah, I actually got the plague once." "The plague?" "Yeah, you know, the one in the Middle Ages that killed like all of those people?" "Oh my gosh! And you didn't die?" Obviously. "Yeah, I had a different kind." "How did you get it? Was it an STD?" She's freaking out now. "Um, no, it was a let—" "This is too weird, I have to leave!" I sit and drink for a half an hour before I leave.

Rule #2: Intelligence matters.

Rule #3: Don't talk about the plague.

This time, a bar at a restaurant. She sits down next to me. Decently pretty. Black hair, blue eyes, a tattoo of a star on her wrist. She looks at me, asks my name. I think I said Tony, I was too distracted. It was her face. "I'm Kate," she says. Crap. My eyes widened. "Are you okay?" she asks. "Um yeah, it's just you have the same name and you just like—" "Your ex?" she asks. "Um, no, um I had a co-worker and a friend die a few months ago." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Me too," I say. We sit in silence until she leaves seven minutes later. I leave three minutes after that.

Rule #4: Don't tell anyone they resemble a dead friend, or ex for that matter.

If you review, I'll post more!