This is the ghost of Umbrielle. I have fallen off the face of the earth because the earth is actually a flat disk, contrary to the globe you've all been led to believe. And so, my intangible fingers will type the story of Nils and how he fell off of the said disk.

Nils: Just write the story already!

Yeesh, I was just building dramatic tension! Anyways, sorry for the LOOONG wait (over a year, really). This chapter got deleted while I was halfway done. Then it got deleted again. Yeah, I tend to get my stuff deleted a LOT. The fact that I'm a slow writer didn't help either. I hope this chapter is up to par with your expectations after such a long wait.

Also, I want to apologize for the disappearance of the review responses. That was an unfortunate accident. I was so stupid. I decided that from now on I wouldn't do responses because I didn't really think that they were working for me but then I accidentally took out ALL the review responses... Gah...

I think someone mentioned my overuse of proper nouns. Sorry, it just seems awkward to throw in "the teal-haired bard" and stuff like that. But I'll try and work something out to get rid of all those proper nouns and work some pronouns in that won't look too awkward.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem. I DON'T own Fire Emblem. I don't OWN Fire Emblem. I don't own FIRE EMBLEM. I DON'T OWN FIRE EMBLEM... You get the point, right?

Chapter Start -----

Nils was happily bouncing along the corridors of the castle. They're BIG corridors and that didn't help Nils' gnawing hunger. In fact, he would've eaten the nearest person's arm but that was unsanitary. Who knows what that person did with his arm?

So he was just merrily minding his own business when he spotted the cafetaria. It was a nice, roomy cafetaria with... not so nice food. Oh well, he thought. The vending machine's always there. He could always snag a quick bite if he had a dollar in hand. So he decided to walk in and slipped in a dollar through the slot. He picked a bag of Doritos and started munching right away. Soon after, he noticed Eliwood and Hector conversing.

Hector appeared to be doing a one-sided conversation with Eliwood. "You know, there should've been light sabers in the 6th book!"

Eliwood raised an eyebrow. "What good would light sabers have done for Harry?"

(A/N: You know, what I'm talking about, right?)

Shrugging, Hector made obscure gestures with his hands. "It adds more action! Heck, it wouldn't hurt if even more of the series was like Star Wars!"

Eliwood decided not to comment on that while he sipped on some tea. After all, replying would only encourage Hector to continue on this topic althought a lack of a response would encourage him to try and get him to engage him in conversation. Well, that didn't help Eliwood much.

As evidence of that, Hector got out of his chair and borrowed a chopstick from one of the foreign emissaries that visited the castle annually. He might as well have taken both since one chopstick is pretty much useless without another. So, the foreigner was forced to watch and wait to get his chopstick back.

Anyway, he held out the said chopstick like a sword of sorts. He said, "Voldemort would be like, 'Harry, I am your father!'"

Then, Hector attempted a mirror image by moving to a position symmetrical to his former one and held the chopstick like a wand. "Harry would go, 'What about James?'"

He reversed his position again. "And then Voldemort would say, 'He is... YOUR MOTHER!'"

Hector once again, switched spots and slumped to the ground. "Harry would be like, 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'"

Just Eliwood's luck. He happened to be sipping a bit of tea when Hector got to that part. Inevitably, he started choking.

Everybody started watching as the Pherae lord dropped to the ground. For whatever odd reason that it may be, everybody seemed to be murmuring about this suspicious turn of events and crowding around him but none seemed to actually be HELPING Eliwood.

Suddenly a girl ran into the room. "S'cuse me, dudes! I know CPR!"

Naturally, everybody made room for her. She made her way over to Eliwood and made him lie on the ground. Then, she slowly lowered her face towards his in a way that seemed more like kissing than CPR. Of course, Eliwood couldn't quite control himself when he saw the look in her eye and he spat in her face in his state of shock.

She did nothing for a a minute, just keeping the position that she was in. Eliwood decided that now would be a good time to speak. "Um... hi... uh... sorry about that..."

A few moments later she got to her feet and walked out the cafeteria. Then, she screamed. Loudly. It was the kind of scream that you hold off until some other moment when you feel it's appropriate.

Hector kind of stared. Then the foreign emissary walked up to him and took his chopstick back. He said, "Ha chi nay yew gaw fai jee, mun oi sin! Nay dik bay go ho dai ah! Oi got dut nay hai gaw bun dan! Nay moon jun hai ho gwai ah!"

Foreign language was not Hector's specialty so he decided to say, "The bathroom is down the hall to the right."

The foreigner decided to walk off and continued his lunch. Nils decided to make his presence known. "Hello Eliwood! Hello Hector!" he said.

The other two said hi back. The jumpy little dude decided to hop over to them. On one leg. "Wow, that was really cool! Could you do it again?"

The two lords looked at each other and said nothing. Eliwood decided to break the silence. "Is there anything that we could help you with, Nils?"

Our doomsday-on-legs suddenly remember his little journey of 'enlightenment'. "Actually, there is! I was wondering, do you know how babies are born?"

The two lords looked at each other. Then they looked at Nils. Then they looked at each other. Then they looked at Nils. Then they looked at each other.

Eventually, Eliwood decided to clear his throat. That was enough of a sign of submission for Hector to nudge him. Little Nils decided that it meant Eliwood would answer him and looked expectantly at him.

With no way out in sight and Hector looking the other way (traitor) he decided to tell Nils what his dad told him as a kid. "Uh," he scratched his chin thoughtfully as he tried to remember those wise words. "You seeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." He dragged out that word a bit before continuing.

"There was once... a bird... and a bee... and... they loved each other very much."

"... That's not possible," pouted Nils. Impressionable as he may have been, he wasn't stupid.

Our redhead realised that Nils was catching onto him. "Uh... BIRDS AND BEES! ... Yeah, there was a pair of birds and a pair of bees and the birds loved each other very much and the bees loved each other very much!"

Wincing as he heard that, Hector leaned in towards Eliwood's ears and whispered, "Didn't your dad give you that lecture on birds and bees when you were being sent to that co-ed school?"

Eliwood replied, "That was a longtime ago. Besides, I never really understood it anyway."

A lightbulb popped up above Eliwood's head. "WhenyougottagoyougottagoandwhenIhavetogoIhavetogosoI'llgonow." And he left. Well, not really, he just hid around the corner of the cafeteria doors to listen in on Hector and Nils.

Right that moment Hector decided that he wasn't giving Eliwood a birthday present that year. Anyway, Nils was waiting so he decided to go on where Eliwood left off. "Ahem... Well, they loved each other very much so they decided to... have babies!..."

"... That's it?"

"Wait, no, they got engaged for 3 years, got married, and then waited another year before deciding to have babies because they were afraid of commitment."

"Excuse me for asking but, how does that explain where babies come from?"

At that moment Hector caught a glimpse of the vending machine. He got an idea and said, "Cans! Babies come from cans!" Eliwood slapped his forehead and groaned. Cans? Was that the best he could come up with? CANS! He sighed. Poor Nils...

"Uh, yes, cans! See, whenever a... girlbee and a boybee have an egg... they lay a can too," explained Hector.

Eliwood felt baffled. Not only was it scientifically incorrect it was also stupid enough that Nils couldn't POSSIBLY fall for it. Maybe he should help him...

"Same goes for birds too,"nodded Hector fervently. "Birds lay then can in their nest. And then a married human couple will... find this can... and open it and... out pops a baby!"

"Cool!" exclaimed Nils. Then he started to scratch his chin. "But... I've never seen a can in a bird's nest."

Hector started to fumble for the right words. "Mmm... Eh... Uh... I... ... ... ... ..."

Well, better now than never thought Eliwood. Hector needed help. He stood up, strode through the cafeteria doors and said to Nils, "It only happens in special places like gardens! "

Nils said, "Thank you for telling me that. I'll go now!"

Giving a funny look at Eliwood, Hector replied, "No problem. Don't worry about finding the garden. Just walk around and you won't miss it."

Eliwood edged away under a certain lord's stare. "Yes... You can't miss it... Bye... ... ...Tell my mother I love her... I fear I may not be able to keep my life for much longer."

And our little ball of happiness on legs skipped away without looking back and said, "Bye! I -fuzz- you! I'll tell your mom that you -fuzz- her too!"

As expected, the other two blinked. Did Nils say what they thought he just said?... It was a queer day today.

Dismissing any and all doubts from his mind, the Pheraen lord said, "Sorry about abandoning you earlier... I should've helped you out..."

Sighing, Hector turned to Eliwood. "Don't worry about that... What's this world come to?" he asked, exasperated. "I'd go and try to punch Nergal's face in again before I have to explain to a kid about... babies. I mean, really!"

His dear old friend laughed. "Well, I'd feel sorry for the kid who ends up with you as a father!"

With a broad grin, Hector playfully punched Eliwood's shoulder. "You'd probably bore your kid to death with lectures."

Then they looked at each other. A little while later they both burst out laughing with tears in their eyes. Neither of them seemed to be able to stop their seemingly endless mirth.

Hector snorted and wiped out the tear in his eye with a thumb. Breathlessly he said, "Scratch that, Eliwood, that would be Marcus' job!"

---

Doing as Hector had told him, Nils had found the garden with ease. It was a big garden. Really big. It had one of those hedge mazes that went on forever and that some people could easily get lost in there and die of starvation. That was a bit of a problem. "Where could I find a bird's nest in here?" he said to himself.

It would be like finding a needle in a haystack. He looked left and right, up and down and all those directions in between, but no nest was found. Instead, he found Jaffar's head poking up above the hedges in the maze. Once in a while, the top of a green-haired head would pop up above the hedges briefly.

Well, three pairs of eyes were better than one, Nils thought. So he jumped up and down and waved to get the others' attention. "Hey!" he called out. "Nino! Jaffar! Over here! It's me, Nils!"

Before another word was said, Nils charged right through the hedges, trampling them as he made his way towards the pair. It makes you wonder about some of the people who got trapped in hedge mazes. I mean, they're hedges. Not like they'd be too hard to climb over or run through.

When he got there, our little buddy dusted himself off and pulled off the branches that got tangled in his scarf. Nino, being the perky girl she is, said, "Hi Nils!"

Jaffar, of course, didn't speak. But Nino decided to put words in his mouth. "Jaffar says 'Hi' too!"

While pulling out the last of the leaves out of his hair with one had Nils waved with his other hand. He also said his hellos. It took him a while to clean himself up and after that he struggled to remember what he was there for. Was it... Curd zest? ... Burp fest? ... Nerd test?

Suddenly, he attention was forced onto Nino who was talking quite a bit. "Do you like dandelions? I like dandelions. Sonia once said that they're ugly but I think they're pretty. Don't you think so too? How about crabweed? I think it looks cool. No, really, I do. It looks awesome. Ooh, and those little flowers that look like bells! I love those, they're so fun to step on! Have you ever seen carnations? I love them. I like how they're part of the word 'reincarnation'. And those weeds that have prickly leaves, they're fun to touch! I mean, nothing tickles my fancy more than have my skin dug into by some weird plant. But you know what else tickles my fancy? PUSSYWILLOWS! They're so soooooooft and niiiiiiiiice and comforting to touch. I love their names too. Don't even get me started on tulips."

Nils blinked. Then, slowly, he started to grin. "I know what you mean! I mean, tulips? For starters, they have great names that suit them. 'Two lips'. That's what they look like! You could go and just kiss one and it wouldn't feel awkward at all! But make sure there aren't any bees or wasps inside them first because then you'd go around with a huge sore on your lips for a few weeks. Trust me, I know. And how they grow! I mean, every fall they die but then in the spring they start growing again from the very same bulbs they had before. It's such a cool way of growing!"

(A/N: Tulips are underrated.)

Through all of this it would seem like there were only two people present. But, you know, where Nino is, Jaffar is never far behind. So, Jaffar was there, ready to plunge his head into the nearest rosebush if he had to stand through this talk of flowers and weeds for much longer. Or any other kind of stress for that matter.

Don't take it the wrong way. He's willing to stay close to Nino through all sorts of situations. But it's just that he has his limits and the flower talk seems to especially get to him.

Midway through their conversation Nils suddenly remembered his quest to find out the meaning of birth. "Hey Nino," he said, "you wouldn't happen to know where babies come from, right?"

Nino innocently shook her head and then gestured towards Jaffar. "Maybe he knows!"

If you looked at him at that very moment you would see his usual self, calm and serious. If you could read his mind he... wouldn't seem so composed. Let's just leave it at that.

Risking his neck and limbs, Nils asked him, "Jaffar, do you know where babies come from? Could you tell me?"

No response. Just that same cold look and a single bead of sweat. Not that you'd be able to see it. Just to look cool, Jaffar trained himself not to sweat in places that other people would be able to see. He decided that no reply was better than replying and sacrificing his sanity. Unfortunately for him, he forgot to take Nino into account.

With a look of blissful ignorance on her face, Nino said, "Jaffar says that he knows and he'd be glad to tell you!"

Nils looked back at Jaffar. No change. However, his eye was twitching. Just as Nils opened his mouth our favourite pre-promoted assassin (and our only one in the entire history of FE, I think) suddenly plunged his head into a nearby rosebush.

Nino once again seemed absolutely oblivious. She said, "Don't worry about Jaffar. He does that because it helps him think."

Then, after a few moments, he withdrew his head. In the rosebush was a perfect imprint of Jaffar's head. It was interesting how he managed to make it look so neat. You could actually see where his nostrils were and everything.

"So," started Nils, "what do you need to make babies, first of all?"

It was incredulous. That was what Jaffar was thinking. Indredulous. What had he done to deserve this? Maybe it was karma for killing all those people... Now he has to answer a question that he'd should only have to answer if he ever got kids. He never even wanted to get married!

So, he decided to make up a story. And the first thing that came to mind, he said it out loud. "Sword," he said, "you need a sword."

Looking up at the sky, Nino tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Swords, huh?" she said to herself. "Odd. I've always thought that you needed flowers to do it."

"That too," said Jaffar quickly. Well, he might as well humour the two of them.

Nils crossed his arms across his chest. He asked, "How many swords do you need?"

Twitch. Twitch. His twitchy brow was acting up again. Good thing it was hidden by his headwear. Well, he might as well answer that question too. "It depends... All you really need is one..."

Well, that was awkward... Too bad, he supposed. He might not get out of this alive. Of course that might be exaggerating a bit but he's never done this kind of thing before. Maybe it's lethal. Maybe it takes 50 years off your life. Maybe he'll go nuts. On the other hand, maybe it's harmless. However, as the Angel of Death, Jaffar was trained never to take chances.

Both Nils and Nino pondered upon this for a while. Then, Nino asked, "What do you do with the sword?"

At that, Jaffar twitched a few more times. How was he going to get out of this one?... Wait, he'd seen Linus' stash of books once. He found them a bit odd. They were in an odd language and looked like fairytale books. Jaffar had witnessed Lloyd confronting Linus on that matter. The latter had turned bright red and said that those were for NIno. That in itself was weird. She had never been allowed picture books by Sonia. After being probed by Lloyd he confessed to having a Japanese fairtale fetish. Well, at least nowJaffar got an idea.

Jaffar cleared his throat. Not that you could hear him. For the same reason as sweating in places people wouldn't normally see, he learned how to clear his throat silently. Jaffar, you multi-talented dog, you... Anyway, after clearing his throat (silently) he said, "You... stick the sword into... a giant peach. Then... you carve it out and... a baby should appear... ... ...after you stuff it with flowers... brown flowers."

He added the last part to appease Nino. However, he just hoped that she wouldn't actually try it. But then again, there are no such thing as brown flowers... Well, he wasn't a botanist so he could know for sure but he was pretty sure of that.

Raising an eyebrow Nils asked, "So, do you stuff the baby with flowers or do you stuff the giant peach with flowers?"

Jaffar swiftly replied, "Peach."

Just as Nils opened his mouth and Jaffar winced (but not visibly; you know the deal) a gardener dashed into the scene. She had seen Jaffar with his head stuck in a rosebush while she had been on the top floor of the castle. It had taken a while to climb down all the stairs but she knew that it would be worth it. Now, where was it? "Duuuude," she said in a whiny voice, "where is it?"

Looking left and right and ignoring the three people around her the gardener spotted her quarry. She ran over to it and snatched right out of the ground. "Got it!" she cried gleefully. "Yay!"

Before even Jaffar could react she ran off with a very noticeable bounce in her step.

Nils looked at Nino. She said, "Don't worry about that. Somebody ran off with Jaffar's nose hair once. Another time, they took a floor mat that he had stepped on. Oh, and don't even get me started on all his toothbrushes that went missing! Rosebushes aren't all that weird compared to the other things that have been taken."

Although you wouldn't have noticed just by looking at him, Jaffar felt indignant. He did not have nose hairs, he mentally scoffed. That hadn't been his. It belonged to Legualt! That nose hair was crinkly and gray. Even if Jaffar did have nose hairs, which he didn't, they wouldn't be gray.

Well, Nils decided he had enough info started to walk off. "Bye guys!" he said happily while waving. "Thanks for telling me, Jaffar!"

After he was gone, Jaffar breathed a sigh of relief. Silently. Anyway, Nino smiled up at him with that adoring look on her face. "Jaffar," she sweetly asked, "can you help me find a giant peach? I want you to help me make a baby!"

Stunned, he stepped backwards onto a flowerbed. In fact, he was so shocked that he didn't even look like he was shocked. He didn't even noticed the same gardener from before sneak back and take a flattened petunia, courtesy of his foot.

It's karma, he thought. Karma...

---

Meanwhile our gardener ex-CPR girl had been busy. She was walking in the corridors when the head gardener suddenly appeared out of nowhere. She didn't look very pleased. "You!" she yelled. "What had you been doing? You were supposed to be on duty in the garden!"

The other stammered. "I-I was!"

"Then you didn't do a very good job!" the head gardener yelled. She stuck a finger at the ex-CPR girl. "The hedge maze is a mess! I looks like some kid ran through it and made a bunch of holes and what are you doing with those plants?"

Before she could protest the rosebush and petunia had been grabbed away from her. "Go now!" yelled the HG. "You're fired!"

Slouching, she returned to the jobs post bulletin board in the castle. Well, how many jobs could she possibly go through? I mean, there had to be SOMETHING she could do. Even being a bank accountant would be fine!

After she disappeared around a corner the HG snickered. Hugging the rosebush and the mangled petunia she said, "There's a perfect imprint of Jaffar in this bush and this petunia has his boot print! Well, eBay, here I come! I'm going to be rich!"

Chapter End -----

So, what did you think? After a very long absence from actively writing fanfiction, I hope I can make up for it. Please review if you like my story. Critique me if you want. Flames will be listened to although they will also be used to warm my house. My AC is busted.

(I don't know if you've noticed but if you look back in the older chapters you'll see that I changed the random girl's way of speaking. Her favourite word is now "dude". Yes. That's right. DUDE. As in, "Yo dude!")

BTW, if you're wondering about all the baby stories I pretty much just make them up as I go along with some inspirations.