Seeing the light

I awoke to nothing but cold darkness. I was alone and afraid. I tried to open my eyes, but all I saw before me was black nothingness. I wanted to scream and claw my way back into the light, but I had no voice, and nothing to claw out of.

I begged and pleaded to wake from this terrible dream, but alas I welcome you to my nightmare.

For days people kept coming in asking how I was doing, as if I didn't exist. At one time I thought I was a sick puppy. Puppies can't answer for themselves, so I stayed quiet. I prayed to wake from this horrible dream, I prayed to see; hell to see anything but black.

"Misao, what was the last thing you saw?" Okina asked as he patted my head. I still never spoke. If I was going to be treated like a dog, I might as well save my voice. Dogs weren't capable of human speech, so why was I different?

'The last thing I saw?' Silently I gave in to the past memories.

All I wanted to do was surprise him. How was I supposed to know I was the one that was going to end up with the shock of my life? I worshipped him as a god, and this is how he repays me for my loyalty?

To think that now the blinders of my idolization are gone, and all it took was for me to be blinded. How ironic! The gashes he caused were nothing compared to the tears on my heart. I took for granted everything Himura said. How I wish I could turn back the hands of time; knowing what I know now.

He says he's sorry, and I hear the strain of remorse in his voice, but yet I cannot find it in myself to forgive him. He caused me this pain, a pain that is forever stained on the fabric of my humanity.

He might be sorry, but what about me? I'm the one who's now blind. Rationally, my brain says to forgive him, but my eyes and my heart say otherwise.

His voice is laced with pain, and it should be! I'm the one that's suffering! Why should he share in my pain? If I could see ... that's the problem—I can't. My world is filled with darkness, and I can feel tears prick the back of my eyes. I raised my finger to my gauze-covered eyes to wipe away the moisture. I can feel dampness, but I can't see it, and this frustrates me.

I will never see again. I will never see Okina's face, the rising sun in the early light, the lightening fast dagger trying to kill me as I fight for what I believe in.

I believed in him. You bastard! I would open my mouth to speak, to curse his and kami's name, but they aren't good enough. Why would I waste my voice on them when they can no longer see the fury in my eyes?

The doctor came in several times during the night—or rather my night, and kept seeing if I was in pain. 'No I'm so fucking cheery, can't you tell?' I've wanted to scream that out to her so many times, that I lost the strength to fight back.

"Misao talk to me." His gentle voice pleads.

Inside I laugh. Yeah I can talk to you but I will never see you again. 'Why would I want to talk to you? I could I possibly say? Oh how about thank you for making me blind, I appreciate it!'

"I'm sorry."

'You're sorry? Sorry for what? Making me idolize you? Loving you? Or just blinding me? Really Aoshi, what are you sorry for?'

This was probably the most I've heard him speak to me, and I've always wanted him to bathe me with love and attention…and now that I have it I no longer want it. I no longer want him.

'He keeps talking to me like I care. I think I'm going to go insane! I need to get out of here.' Despite my re-broken ribs I started to get up. I snorted to myself. The pain was a welcoming feeling, and yet it was a reality check once again. I was really blind, and this was no dream. I wished and prayed to wake up, but kami abandoned me.

"Misao, don't move, you're still badly injured!" He pleaded with me as I felt his large hands push me to lie back down.

It was that moment I noticed something odd. Aoshi had his hands placed on my shoulders. The old me would have felt my heart melt, and its pace racing out of control, and my breathing catch…but now I felt dirty. I wanted to take a bath and wash his filth off of me.

"Misao, please talk to me! Why won't you talk to me?"

I had enough. "Why?" My voice sounded hoarse to my ears. "Why?" Oh great, my vow of silence was about to explode. I just wished he could feel the hate and anger that were rolling off of me in waves. "Now why would I want to say a word to the scum that took my sight from me? What, now I'm supposed to be all fucking cheery and smiles!"

"Misao don't swear!" He chided me like a fucking child.

"When you become blind then you can tell me what to do. Until then shut the fuck up. On second thought, get the fuck away from me. To me you are dead. Now if you would be so kind as to send someone up here to get rid of your stench I will be in a better mood. God I need a bath. Your putrid stench is seeping into my pores and it's making me sick."

I turned away from the direction of his voice. I had never felt so liberated before. The weight on my shoulders was gone and I let out a sigh of relief when I heard his footsteps walking away.

I enjoyed the momentary silence before someone was bound to come in and break the serenity. I heard the door slide open. I wondered who it was. It's wasn't one of my people, this person's footsteps were too heavy and assured.

"How are you feeling?"

I knew that voice. It was the woman doctor Megumi-something.

"Why are you here?" I had broken my silence with Aoshi, so why not talk a little?

"Aoshi was worry about you, and told me to make sure you were all right."

I snorted with venomous anger, "I'm blind woman. I'm trapped in perpetual darkness, how am I supposed to feel exactly?"

"Aoshi said you were angry."

I cut her off, "Angry? I'm not angry; I'm fucking livid! Oh but then you wouldn't know anything about that would you?" Despite the pain of my broken ribs I sat back up and faced the sound of her voice. "So tell me, do you know what's it's like to be blind? When you do, then you can come back and ask me how I'm feeling. Until then you too will shut up and cure me of this."

Despite being blind I could tell there was something she wasn't telling me. "What? What are you not telling me?"

"Misao, you will never be able to see again." I could hear the strain in her voice.

'No! I'll never get my sight back? I never did anything to anyone! I was the good one. I put everyone's needs before my own, and this is how I'm repaid for it?' "Direct me to the window."

"You shouldn't be walking yet; your ribs needs time to heal."

I sighed, "I want to look out the window, please." Despite my anger, I managed to sound polite. It was easier to catch flies with honey.

I sat there for a few moments and realized that she wasn't going to help me. 'Screw her, I'll do it myself.' I got up and felt for a wall, something to tell me which room I was in. I felt like a fool with my arms out in front of me looking for a marker of some sort, but I was blind and I wanted to look outside.

I knew deep down I would see nothing, but it was something I wanted to do. No it was something I needed to do. Somewhere deep down, a naïve thought fluttered my mind that if I looked out the window and saw the life that was before me, I would somehow get my sight back.

The rational part of my brain told me not to be hopeful, that I was forever blind... but it was a heartache I was willing to make.

I felt for the wall again, and finally found it. I felt against the wood wall and sliding my palms across the surface. I seethed as wood splinters decorated my palms. I did not stop. I wouldn't have been able to remove them anyway. Those were tricky bastards to remove even with your eyes open, and I now was just an utter failure.

"Here let me help you." I tried to struggle away from the doctor's touch, but I hit something—and of course it had to be something breakable, and of course it broke. Sighing in defeat I allowed her to guide me to the window.

"Take three steps forward and it's on your left." I took three steps forward and felt the windowpane on my left.

"I can feel the sun shining down on me; it's so warm and bright." I hugged myself as remembered what it was like.

"Misao it is now dark. It has been for a few hours now."

"Oh." So I really was blind after all. "Can I be alone please?"

"But the splinters in your hands need to be removed."

I was now officially broken. Reality was never a pleasant thing to have thrown back in your face. "Later, right now I want to be alone."

I assumed the doctor nodded her head in her ignorance since I couldn't see her gesture and left me alone.

I was until I felt another presence in the room. There was only one other person that would dare not announce his presence to me. "I thought I told you to leave my sight!"

I started to laugh. 'Yeah I guess he did, cause I couldn't see, so technically he did leave my sight … everyone did!'

"Misao…" He whispered. Despite his quiet footsteps I heard them loud and clearly as he crossed the room towards me.

"Stop. I told you once already that I wanted nothing more to do with you. Or what, you came to admire your handy work? Fine then I'll show you your beautiful work of art." I peeled away the bandages only to feel his fingers on top of mine.

"Don't, there's no need to do that. You will only hurt yourself more."

Both of his hands were on mine so that meant he was standing right in front of me. I pushed away his hands and removed the bandages: the one on my forehead, and the small cloth that was covering my eyelids.

I heard him gasp, and I gave a sadistic smile. "So you like your work of art? Or was there a gash you forgot to inflict?" I felt my hatred rise, but somehow managed to keep the volume to a low snarl. "I'd like to think of myself as a finished product, so by all means finish what you started, or are you not man enough to do the job?"

I heard his breathing stop as he looked at me. I could feel his eyes on me, but I couldn't see what was behind it. Was it fear, hate, passion, despair? I could only imagine, and yet I no longer cared.

I felt something wet running into my eyes, and I didn't stop it. I imagined it was the blood from the gash on my forehead, but what was the worst it could do…blind me?

Oh right. Been there, done that.

"Misao stop that! Look what you're doing to yourself! Can't you see-"

"No Shinomori, I can't see remember?"

"Misao, I'm sorr-"

"What? You're gonna tell me how sorry you are again? Oh no let me tell you what you should be sorry for. You should be sorry for being a shitty ninja." I tilted my head towards the side and spat. If I hit him then good and if I didn't then oh well. "A competent ninja would have made a clean kill, and not left their sloppy handiwork walking around."

"Don't say that!" Aoshi grabbed my whole body and embraced my small frame.

"Don't say what, the truth?" Before all of this I would have relished in the thought of being in his arms, but now…now I was sickened by the thought. With as much strength I could muster I pulled myself out of his arms.

I turned back around and felt the cool window beneath my splintered palms. "You should not have hesitated when you-" No he didn't hesitate; he was expecting his 'attacker' to have been taller. "I get it now. You were expecting the person to be taller. You did go in for the kill."

"Mis-"

"No, no need to explain. I understand. I was foolish to think you would have been happy to see me. Now I see; the only one you ever cared for was yourself. There's no room in your heart for anyone else." There was no point in being angry; it would only consume me more. Then he'd win and I wasn't going to let him win.

I turned around to face him. I guess he was standing directly behind me and I turned around making both of us fall to the ground.

"What do you think you're doing standing behind me like that?" I could tell that I was straddling his stomach. I pushed against him trying to get up, but instead my hand slipped and came into contact with one of his kodachis.

Impulsively I unsheathed it, "Misao, don't be foolish."

"Foolish? I simply wanted to feel the weapon that was more valuable than my sight." I tried to move my head, but realized that I was sitting on my once precious hair. I raised the small sword and sliced off the braid. 'What use is hair to a blind woman?'

"What did you do that for?" I could feel his shock and intake of breath. His face might have been impassive, but his body betrayed him.

"I no longer have a use for long hair."

"I thought you prided yourself on your hair?"

"I grew it long because you like long hair. But now that I'm blind I can no longer take care of it, and I can't ask anyone to do it for me."

"I would've if you asked."

I felt my eyes harden and my thoughts darken. I stabbed the kodachi into the floorboard, placing it somewhere towards his head. I was being too hopeful in the chances I would slice off an ear. "Don't insult my intelligence Shinomori." I had to get out of here, I felt like I was being smothered in lies.

I got up off of him, and kept the kodachi as a walking stick. I needed to leave.

I felt around for the door. After what felt like hours of searching I finally found it. I opened it and made my way down the hall.

Voices called out to me, but I ignored them all. I realize now that I was living a lie. Everyone took pity on me. I didn't need their sympathy: I needed space.

"Misao, what are you doing out of bed?" Megumi scolded.

I could picture her with hands on her hips and a stern expression on her face. "You have a choice doc, you can either help me or you can move out of the way. I want to go outside."

"It's dark outside."

"Like I care that it's dark outside! All I see is darkness!" I cried. "If you are that forgetful in your stupidity then be gone." I pointed the kodachi towards her voice.

I knew I should have bitten my tongue, but what's done is done. I expected some sort of verbal assault but what happened next I wasn't prepared for. She held my arm and led me to the outside world. It felt so good.

"Misao let me bandage you back up."

"Why?"

"You don't want to get an infection now do you? And blood is running in your eyes. We have to fix it up right away!"

I yanked myself out of the doctor's arms, "What's the worst it can do blind me? Or better yet it should kill me? Kami knows had I been taller I would have died."

"Stop talking like that!" Aoshi stated off to my left.

"Lord Aoshi! Thank goodness you've arrived! You have to talk some sense into young Misao! She's delirious! She doesn't know what she's talking about! Please Lord Aoshi save her!"

I started to laugh uncontrollably at the sound of Omasu's pleading voice. "Yes Lord Aoshi," I said with as much hatred as I could muster, "Save young Misao. She doesn't know what she's doing!"

"Misao respect your saviour!" Omasu chided.

"Saviour?" I screamed. "He didn't save me; he delivered to me a life sentence full of nothing but misery. He deserves nothing less than an agonizing and painful death." I was panting in my fury. In my rage, I grabbed the hilt of the sword and threw it towards the sound of Aoshi's voice. I pretended the sword was nothing more than a javelin. I hope I hit…I missed.

"Stop being so mean to Lord Aoshi! He's the one that's been caring for you; he's the one that brought you home after your accident."

I turned towards the sound of Omasu's voice. "Mean! Shinomori is the one that blinded me you fool!" I was seething. 'Were they really that stupid? How did we make it as ninjas if this was the best we had?' All of them disgusted me to the point where I was thankful I was blind.

"Let the girl go, she's got no where to run. She'll come back by morning, and she'll be feeling the pain."

I didn't know why I was surprised that he was standing there watching the drama of my once simple life as it unfolded but he was. In all honesty, I didn't expect him to show up, but then remembered if there was some drama to be seen where he could push buttons, then you could guarantee he would be there.

Hiko was ignorant in the thought that I would return by morning. A sly smirk slid onto my face, "He is right. I will return by morning." I heard a collective sigh, and hearing most of their footsteps going back inside to their warm beds. I took a few paces forward. I knew that I was on the main road by the path below me. I turned and started walking. 'Simple minded fools. Don't they know that morning will never come?'

"Go home Shinomori. You are the last person I want to see." I stopped and started to laugh insanely. "But then I was wrong, you were the last person I saw, and it sickens me." I snarled, letting nothing hide from what I was feeling. "Now go home and be a good boy. Remember I told everyone that I would return by morning."

I heard him walking away. I stopped long enough to make sure he was really gone, and had not doubled back. That was something the bastard would do. When it was all safe and sound I started walking again.

I don't know how long or how far I walked, but I was tired from all my senses being on high alert as I continued to walk my new found path of darkness.

I bumped into something hard and warm. "I'm sorry." It was a foolish inbreeded instinct on my part. I was the one who was blind; they should have got out of my way.

"Where are you going in the middle of the night girl?"

I didn't recognize his voice. Then again I wasn't very good with voices, or faces, or names. "Away from here."

"Then, you would like to accompany me on a journey?"

I had cut off all ties from my past. I had nothing to lose. This world was full of ugliness and I was walking away from it now. I smiled for the first time since Shinomori's attack on me. "If you don't mind a blind companion, then I would be delighted."

The man looped his arm under mine. His voice was calm and soothing. 'With each step I take, I leave behind a piece of my love for Shinomori Aoshi. To me the man is dead. There's no turning back.'

I pictured myself walking away stronger: the sun beating down my back, the ocean on my left, and this man on the right. It would have been perfect.

"What's your name?"

I smiled at him, "As of today I don't have one."

AN: Another chapter. This one was all too amusing to write. I found Misao's character to flow really easy this way. If you don't like her tough! No she will NEVER make up with Aoshi—why? Cause I dictate it as such. Sorry about the late post…I forgot. So here it is stop complaining and enjoy!

Reader reviews done by E this time around:

bobbyneko: Yes, poor Kenshin is dead; I couldn't save him this time. Misao's, well, you can see she's quite alive, if not happy.

Aoshi-sama's weasel girl: I should just c/p J's answer buuuuut... I love to torment Aoshi, plain and simple. It's nothing against Misao. You should see all the reviews on my stories asking whether I like to torture Aoshi or Sano more :innocent look: And, really, it was an honest mistake for poor Aoshi. You know how paranoid he can be, especially when spying in Shishio's temporary HQ. Besides, when is Misao EVER that quiet? He was trying to kill her btw, she's just too short :D

"Oro" 0bject: Ignore J; she have issues about two words. It's dark, I guess, but Shishio's in charge. I can't really see butterflies and cute puppies.

Jessica: Sure, no problem. Until either one of us get bored anyway.

Mysterious Samurai: Thanks.

Okay everyone knows I have to put in my two sense too

Bobbyneko: yes Kenshin is dead…I don't see how chopsticks to a heart can allow you to live. I don't think there's a necromancer in RK … so yup he's dead. I think I've answered your other question with Misao. Hope you enjoy!

Aoshi-sama's weasel girl: Actually it's really easy; Aoshi took out his kodachis and sliced her! He's a cold and heartless bastard, so it's actually really easy. If you think that's bad, wait to see what we have planned

"Oro" 0bject: dark? Oh…and I thought I was being funny…but thank you I guess.

Jessica: E said it all

Mysterious Samurai: yeah thanks

On an end note, I have an e-mail account set up if you wish to get an e-mail when I update (since most of you are anonymous) it's fyyrrose (underscore) update yahoo . ca (just remove the spaces) Oh sorry it won't let me place the underscore...oh don't forget to review!