Soldiers of Misfortune – part 19
Janet had filled the Colonel's team in on his condition. She didn't have much more to tell them really, and she kept the completely negative thoughts to herself and the General for now.
The Colonel's temperature had continued to rise. His struggles were growing feebler as his body grew weaker, causing the machines to constantly beep a warning. Janet was on full alert - his wakefulness was becoming more frequent and she didn't dare try and use the drugs she had as the blood tests showed the levels were still too high. The alien drug was his only hope of respite now.
Sam sat beside the bed with Daniel. Teal'c was in his normal position, standing guard at the foot. Her hand had strayed through the bars and was holding on to the Colonel's fingers gently, her thumb making circular motions on the back of his hand, trying to pass on some strength to him, desperately hoping he could feel it.
The Colonel's hand suddenly tensed and he pulled against the restraints, his hand gripping hers weakly as he came around. His eyes regarded hers for a moment, before crashing shut and his body stilled. The darkness without the light behind them frightened her and Sam began shouting even as the alarms made their horrendous noise.
She was ushered back and out without ceremony as Janet and her staff took over the room. She stared numbly at the door, vaguely aware of the arm Daniel put around her as she stood … just staring.
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It was over an hour before Janet came out. The frightened faces of the Colonel's team staring at her almost made her shudder. "God knows how, but he's hanging on." She paused, then continued, "I don't want you in there for a while. There is just about enough of the drug synthesized for us to kill the pain, I hope, and to fight the rising infection. It's risky, but without it …"
Janet didn't need to finish, they were well aware of just what the Colonel's chances were …
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Janet carefully loaded the syringes, double-checking the doses, before injecting them into the IV line. It wasn't long before they had the desired effect and the Colonel's writhing began to still, gradually halting completely, to leave him in a deep sleep. She kept her hand on his pulse, despite the machines giving her readings, waiting for the first signs of his body failing … The first few minutes kept her heart hammering madly. She hadn't had nerves like this since being a third year medical student …
After several minutes and after re-checking his vitals constantly, Janet heaved a sigh of relief. His body was showing all the signs of a deep sleep, hopefully a healing one.
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The drugs were synthesized continuously, just about keeping Janet with the necessary levels she needed. The round the clock monitoring continued and the Colonel's condition was no longer deteriorating. For the first time since coming back he was reasonably stable.
Forty-eight hours later, she felt able to give his team and the General tentative hope. The Colonel's condition was actually showing a slight improvement.
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His team was allowed back eventually, taking turns sitting with him. Even the General made an odd appearance, the bounce once more back in his step as he entered the infirmary.
Janet kept a close eye on the rest of SG1 as well. Teal'c she wasn't worried about, even Daniel was as she expected given the circumstances, but Sam – Sam had her worried. She wasn't adjusting well to the situation, and was looking very fragile … and not just a little lost. She had vehemently protested at not being able to spend much time with the Colonel until Janet had threatened to bring it to the General's attention. Only then had she reluctantly backed down.
Now with permission, Sam continued to be a pretty constant presence at the Colonel's side, only leaving for short periods or when ordered to and then her place was taken by either Daniel or Teal'c. Sometimes even the three of them sat quietly together – waiting.
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Janet began to decrease the medication as the Colonel's vitals showed his continued improvement, and she was hopeful of waking him and removing the ventilator to see how he coped. The hateful restraints had long gone. The marks on his wrists where he had struggled so, already fading to nothing more than a few yellowing bruises.
Repeated scans continued to show relatively normal readings and Janet felt at last the Colonel was winning for sure.
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Jack felt strange, there was a blackness surrounding him, tremendous pressure on his chest and stomach. There was a little pain … ebbing along his body in small waves, but it did let him know he was still alive.
As he became more aware of his body, he felt the pressure building in his chest and he struggled to breathe it out … It was almost like drowning, but with no water … fighting to breathe against the pressure. Suddenly the pressure lifted and he began to cough, the relief at being able to draw a breath too much at once.
"Colonel," called a voice.
'He knew that voice. Where was he? Tired … too tired … 'Go away,' he called silently.
"Colonel, come on now, I know you're there. Open those eyes for me."
The urge to obey was strong, but it was hard. A bleary flash of color lit his vision for a brief instant before he shut them again.
"That's it Colonel, come on now," urged the voice.
"..way …" he muttered hoarsely, his throat dry and painful.
He felt a gentle touch on the side of his face and his eyes flickered open to acknowledge their presence.
"Here Colonel, just a few sips," said the bleary figure.
The cool water trickled down his parched throat, barely easing the dryness, before he sank back down into blissful darkness.
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Janet heaved a sigh of relief. So far, so good. His responses weren't exactly as she'd hoped, but given the circumstances, were more than she'd ever thought she'd see.
She checked his vitals again before she let Sam back in. Quickly she filled the Major in and was relieved to see the first glimmer of a smile in attendance since she'd returned from the mission.
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It was late evening before the Colonel awoke once more from a heavy nothingness, his eyes blearily regarding first Sam curiously, then Janet as she entered.
"Colonel, do you know where you are?" asked Janet as she gently held his wrist.
He seemed to take an age to respond and then with only a slight nod, quickly followed by a grimace of pain.
Janet gave him a little water then calmly asked him again, this time gaining a verbal response.
"SGC," he whispered.
"That's right, sir. Are you in pain?"
"M..okay," was the hoarse reply. His eyes opened a little wider all of a sudden. "Ca..er?" He turned to face Sam, the worry evident in his eyes.
"I'm okay Colonel," said Sam, finding her voice a little squeaky, before she managed to clear it. "So's Daniel and Teal'c … Everyone's okay."
He settled a little at her reassurance. His eyes began closing once more and he succumbed to sleep.
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Janet returned later to chase away the tired Major. The nurses had informed her of the Major's reluctance to leave, even ignoring the pleas of her team-mates to rest.
"Sam, come on," she said softly as the woman jerked upright in the chair at her entrance.
"I'm okay Janet, really."
"Really?" asked the Doctor, raising her brows as she sat beside her friend.
Sam nodded, but couldn't hold back the yawn that escaped her.
"I want you to go get a good night's sleep. He's doing well now. There's no need for you to be here 24/7 you know?"
"Don't take this the wrong way Janet, but I want to be here."
Janet sighed. "Oh, Sam."
Sam's attention wandered back to the Colonel. "You know we shouldn't have split up. I should have been with him."
Sam spoke so quietly that Janet strained closer to hear.
"And then it could have been you lying there or Daniel," commented Janet.
"No, but maybe ..." began Sam.
"There's no maybes with the Colonel Sam. He did what he thought was best for his team and the others. You know as well as I, if not better, that he would do anything, absolutely anything to ensure your survival."
Sam nodded, her gaze held on the still man.
Janet watched her friend's face. She knew Sam had feelings for this man for a very long time … but what she had never seen, until now, was the love she felt displayed openly. She drew a breath. Something had changed in their relationship; something had happened while on that last mission … "Sam, what's going on? Did something happen while you were away?"
Sam's face suffused with color. Her eyes closed for a moment, before she drew a breath and turned to face her friend, her eyes opening wide, the flash of something that Janet saw there making her sit up in concern.
"Yes, something happened … I … we," Sam hesitated then sat up straighter as she spoke, her determination returning. "We became lovers." At Janet's shocked expression her eyes suffused with a lace of fear. "You won't say anything, will you?"
Janet shook her head. She knew how Sam felt, but to admit to this, while on a mission as well… It shook her that Sam had given in to her unspoken desires, but it took two to tango …
"You know me better than that. I won't say anything. But why? I've known for a long time how you both felt about each other."
"Part of me gave up. I honestly didn't think we would see home again. I know you've read the reports, but that doesn't really show what we went through … what he went through … I was so frightened of there never being an 'appropriate' time … a time for … time was running out for us, I truly believed that."
"And now?"
"And now, I know what I've been missing out on all this time and I don't want to go back to before … I want him, Janet. I don't want to live my life without him. What we do here is important to both of us, but I am not prepared to put my life on hold for it any longer. We can have both if we're careful. If not … then I want him."
Janet let out a breath at her friend's speech. Sam's eyes showed the depth of her belief in her words, and as a friend, Janet certainly didn't want to dissuade her from any of it … she couldn't.
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As Jack became aware of his surroundings again, his flickering eyes took in the vision of two women to the side of his bed. He felt something prodding at his memories, hazy dreams chasing around, mixed with strange blue faces … pain and confusion.
Water was being offered to him again and he took it gratefully. As Sam's face became clearer to him, he focused on it.
"Everyone okay?" he whispered.
Sam smiled. "Everyone's safe."
"Good," he murmured, trying to fight the lure of sleep as he tried to grab hold of the fuzzy images filtering through his mind. Flashes of Sam came to him … memories … dreams? He wasn't sure and nothing seemed real. Even the mission seemed a distant dream.
It took tremendous effort to open his eyes again and this time it was the Doctor who was closer to him.
"Dream?" he whispered.
Janet gave him a smile. "No, you're not dreaming Sir," she responded brightly.
"No … plan … K..karmine …" he managed to get out, as he fought to hold onto the thread.
"No, Colonel," came Sam's voice, seemingly understanding his thoughts. "The planet was real. The Karmine were real, but we're okay now, we're home."
Jack fought hard. Colonel … she'd said … Back to formality? Or was it just a dream he'd had of Sam? Wishful thinking perhaps? The fleeting images of himself and Sam together floated to mind and he squeezed his eyes more tightly shut, trying to hold on to them. 'Losin' it Jack', he chided himself as he then fought to box it down and he swam into the blackness waiting for him.
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Sam flashed Janet a look of concern.
"It's okay Sam. That's normal for what he's been through. His memories will return soon enough. Remember those drugs are very powerful, they're bound to add to his confusion. I want you to get some rest. He'll be more aware tomorrow and you'll be falling asleep here if you stay any longer."
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Sam wandered back to her quarters reluctantly. She knew what Janet said was correct but it didn't help the sense of loss she felt away from Jack, nor the deepening feeling that he didn't remember what they had shared.
She threw herself on her bed, not bothering to undress. The fear that his affection – no not affection, she knew what he felt for her – but the fear that he would not have acted out his desires without the drugs was fast becoming more a certainty in her mind … Had she taken advantage of her drugged commander? The whole mission had quickly taken on something that went beyond the realms of their normally chaotic lives and she had blatantly surrendered herself to the here and now of it all.
Early next morning Sam returned to the Colonel's bedside. She shook the sleeping Daniel awake gently.
"Uh, oh hi Sam," he smiled absently as he fished his glasses from his pocket. "He's not stirred much, but Janet's quite happy still."
"Thanks, why don't you get some rest, I'll be here a while," she said, making herself at home the instant Daniel vacated his chair.
It was a couple of hours before the Colonel began to stir and Sam held off buzzing for the nurse or Janet. She wanted the chance to speak to him if she could, without anyone there.
His brown eyes fixed on her face.
"Colonel?" she asked softly, old habits dying hard.
His eyes showed a flicker of disappointment then it was gone.
"Sir, do you remember what happened?" she asked, willing him to speak.
He closed his eyes for a brief moment, before fixing on her again. "It's … hazy …" he said finally.
Sam felt the disappointment building rapidly. She swallowed harshly, trying to keep her voice steady as she began to remind him of the mission … but she left out the parts she wanted him to remember on his own … yet dreaded him doing so …
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Jack listened to her speaking. His head ached abominably and he was struggling to stay focused on her. His thoughts kept returning to the flashes of Sam … in his arms.
She was so formal with him, reserved, reluctant to meet his eyes, and he wondered what had happened … Or was it that she regretted what happened – that was if it wasn't his imagination that it had happened at all. Hey, he was good at imagining, but thoughts like that were usually reserved for his dreams at home in bed – not here and certainly not on missions. Another dreadful thought began to prickle at him … and this one twisted and turned in his brain, overwhelming all coherent thoughts … Had he somehow coerced her into it? Had she felt sorry for him? Was she now looking for a way to opt out? … His conscience began to hammer the final nails in the coffin.
He watched Sam shiver as he looked at her. God, was it that bad she couldn't bear to look at him?
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Sam finished speaking, she hadn't dared look at his face while she filled him in. Her eyes were cast firmly to her hands. She risked looking when she finished and the hardness in his eyes her made her shiver.
"Sir, I …"
The door opened to admit Janet and Sam stood quickly, her heart racing, telling her to get out …
"I'll be back later," she whispered and giving Janet a brief nod, she left.
Janet wondered at Sam's haste to leave, but for now she concentrated on her patient.
She was aware that the Colonel certainly seemed more awake this time, but he was still too quiet. The coldness in his eyes as she asked him several questions gave rise to a nagging fear, but she pushed them away while she finished examining him.
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The days continued with the Colonel gradually staying awake longer as he was further weaned from the painkiller, but Janet noted was that Sam was no longer resident in the infirmary. In fact, the only visits she now made were conspicuously along with either Daniel or Teal'c. She was never alone and never staying long.
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Sam hated herself for being such a coward, but she couldn't face the Colonel alone, after what she'd done … His eyes had said it all.
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