Thanks for all the reviews. I really enjoyed writing this for some reason. It's a little short but it's nice and fluffy.
Distance
Elizabeth does not answer John, all she can do is fidget with the mug in her hands and bite the inside of her cheek. She doesn't want to tell him, she can't.
He leans forward so his arms are resting on the table and Elizabeth feels the area around her close in along with his accusing stare. Reluctantly she glances up and knows it's a mistake when she sees the intensity in his gaze. It is one of the many features that make this pilot so handsome and mysterious and draws you in so you're lost in them.
"What's been going on?" John asks softly removing most of the anger from his tone. He's trying to make it easier for her and she's grateful.
Still picking at the cup she answers, "I'm sorry if I've been acting…strange-"
"You've been distant." He corrects never adjusting his stare.
Finally she meets his eyes again hoping her anxiousness and regret is obvious. It seems to be as his face becomes soft and he looks ready to listen.
"Yes, I have."
The confession stuns them both, not expecting it to be blurted out like it was.
"Why?" His questions are no longer full of rage or resentment but of genuine curiosity and frustration.
Elizabeth debates where to start knowing the problem extends beyond a few weeks or months. It's been silently brewing since they first stepped though the gate, all of which makes the explanation a little more difficult.
She is apparently taking too long to answer as John jumps in first again. "Elizabeth, I come back from a near suicide mission five months ago and you're…happy to see me." He reminds her and a small smile appears on her face at the thought. "You go from hugging me to 'I'm glad you're back safe Colonel.' ?"
She sighs and again is ashamed of the hurt she's caused. He carries on. "You stand up for me and remain close even when I'm turning into a monster and now it's as if you can't stand to be around me!" This last part is said a little more loudly and his voice echo's around the room.
Neither notices Rodney McKay re-track his steps having heard the last part of the conversation and make a hasty trip back into the transporter. He knows better than to get involved when John is this angry and Elizabeth is quiet. He will last on cold coffee and power bars if he has to.
"It's not that." Elizabeth mutters remorsefully also leaning forward. "You have to understand John…people know and are watching!"
He looks puzzled by her words and she realizes how crazy she must have sounded. "A few days ago when you were first overdue, one of your men made a comment-"
"Who was it?" John asks angrily, surprised one of his men would so blatantly make a comment about them to her.
"No, he didn't say anything offensive!" Elizabeth is quick to back track. "All he did was mention that I tend to worry a lot about your team when you're off world."
The comment doesn't bother John, telling Elizabeth he really doesn't understand yet. "And? You worry about everyone all the time."
As he says this there's an affectionate grin on his face causing Elizabeth to smile back. "I know. But it was in his expression. And I've noticed others watching me when…when I'm near you. Especially in situations like that two weeks ago."
It's as if a light has been switched on in his head and his mouth forms an o shape as his eyebrows shoot up. "You think they suspect we're-"
"No, no!" Elizabeth cries shaking her head. Another sigh and this time she just tells him. "They know that when it comes to you my emotions are all over the place!" It's coming out in a hurry but she can't stop or she'll stop for good. "They can see how it affects my work, how restless and nervous I get anytime you don't come back when scheduled! Caldwell even commented on how close we are and it's affecting the way I run this city!"
Her outburst echo's around the hall again and she can feel tears brimming in her eyes seeing the look on John's face. It's one of complete understanding mixed in with relief and fear. How can one man's face be such an enigma?
Unable to help the tears from forming Elizabeth abruptly stands up and shoves her chair back practically running for the transporter. She has just admitted her weakness to the one person she can and is terrified of what this now means. When the doors open she makes her way to her room and once inside flings herself onto the bed where she lets the tears run free, soaking any piece of material they have contact with.
When Elizabeth first came here both General Hammond and General O'Neill warned her that some people you would become more attached to than others, especially on an expedition like this when you had no idea if you would contact Earth again. And for the first year they had become a family, defending their right to live in Atlantis. Elizabeth was good friends with many of her team, considering she had hand picked most, and knew these people would do anything to protect this city and their team.
But she had not expected to become so close to someone it actually hurt when they weren't around. Elizabeth would like to say it's because she considers John like a brother, but knows that's not the case. Yes they can bicker, joke and flirt. In fact she's got many male friends back on Earth who are like that around her.
The big difference is that at some point the flirting feels like something more and there's a barrier that prevents them from becoming closer. Now taking ragged breaths as the tears subside she sits up and rubs her eyes.
She has no idea of what to do or say to him now but the thought is interrupted by a knock at her door. Never expecting it to be him she takes a deep breath and glances quickly in the mirror to examine the blotchy eyes. Knowing she doesn't have time to fix them a number of excuses fly through her mind as she moves to the door.
Running her hand over the blue panel the door slides open to reveal a very confused and unsure John Sheppard. He is standing with his arms on either side of the door, as if he's bracing himself, and his eyes are watery.
"John." Elizabeth's tired and hoarse voice greets as she wraps her arms around her torso.
He doesn't say anything and that tense, almost electric, atmosphere returns. Elizabeth swears it's like a black cloud following her. How could she have handled this situation so badly? She begins to feel subconscious as his eyes roam over her, taking in every shape and feature.
"Um, would you like to come in?" She asks croakily wanting anything but that. He nods and she stands aside so he can step in the neat room, his eyes landing on the tear streaked quilt cover for a moment before finding hers.
"I'm sorry you feel this way." John whispers sadly. "I didn't think our…I just didn't think it would be this hard." He admits sheepishly bringing a hand up to scratch the bag of his head. His classic nervous action.
Elizabeth is too shocked to respond. Why was he apologizing? Frowning at him he takes this as a sign to explain.
"I know running this city is hard and the last thing I wanted to do was affect your judgment." He explains softly. "But…we can't help how we feel, can we? Elizabeth, I don't want to push you away because you are one of the few people I can really trust. These past two weeks have been awful and if we do that again I don't think either one of us is going to survive this galaxy."
His speech is delivered in a strong, confident voice. He stares at her defiantly as if challenging her to object. But Elizabeth knows she can't because he's right. Holding his gaze she eventually moves closer to, placing her arms around his waist and hugs him tightly.
For a second he doesn't move but she knows he's smiling as he wraps his hands around her shoulders his warmth surrounding her shivering body. Breathing in his scent Elizabeth moans a little having missed it and he responds by tightening his grip.
"I'm so sorry." Elizabeth says into his chest, the words sounding muffled.
He chuckles and rubs the back of her neck. "It's okay, you had a pretty good excuse."
Pulling back she smiles and tilts her chin up so she can gaze up at him. And there it is, the special something that threatens to ruin the moment and send them running for the hills.
But John seems to accept it, not moving from their intimate position. And now it's up to her. Does she run or stay? She knows he's not expecting what he wants - they're not ready yet. So she reaches up and kisses him lightly on the cheek before returning to his chest.
She didn't miss the smile that splits his face and can't believe he is holding on to her like she is to him. It defines a moment in their relationship, whatever that might be, and Elizabeth vows never to cause distance between them again.
And this promise is one she has no problems keeping.