Author: Ozluv04
Title: Not A Stone
Disclaimer: Firefly/Serenity belong to Joss and Fox, not me.
Warnings: Big Damn Serenity spoilers. If you haven't seen the movie I implore you to turn back now. Also mild language.
A/N: My second attempt at Firefly fic. Short, somber reflection on that thing that happens. Feedback much appreciated. Enjoy!
This must be what it feels like to die. A gnawing deep inside you, so deep you think it must be the last thing you'll ever feel. After awhile when the achin don't stop, you're pretty damn certain of it. I look around Serenity and see that life hasn't stopped. As a matter of fact, the crew seems to be living it more fiercely than they did before. I watch them holdin' on to tiny, little moments like they won't ever get another one.
I watch Kaylee and Simon sneakin off to corners when they think no one's watching. I watch the Cap'n and Inara slink out of the quarters they share now. I watch River dancing around the loading dock to music no one else hears. Even Jayne's acting different, pitching in without much grumbling and he's taken to looking after the girl. I don't think none of us saw that one coming. Or maybe we all did.
I see them all living life, and I hate them a little bit because since he died I haven't had a life to live. I wake up to a cold bed every morning, and go to sleep in one every night. And the act of missing him is more than I ever imagined it could be. But I haven't shut down. I can't. There's a lot people after our heads now, and that means I have to stay alert. I've got to be able to fight, even if I don't have much to live for- they do. They're family even if I'm resenting them right now.
They miss Wash too. I see Kaylee crying sometimes. The Doctor holds her and I think maybe he cries some himself. And the Cap'n rearranges those little dinosaurs every morning. River likes to sit in his old chair, she presses her ear against it like she hears something. I've done that a time or two myself. Jayne tries not to mention him too much, but sometimes he forgets and his voice gets sad. Something about that just ain't right. Inara tried to say something comforting once, but for all her companion training she couldn't find the right words.
I try not to let them see me cry. Sometimes I slip up. I'm strong, it's the only way to survive in this kind of work. But I'm not a stone, I had the finest mine in the 'verse, gorramit. You don't just get over losing someone that fine. He woulda gladly died for any of us. Especially me. It just ain't right, him dying that way. It ain't right him dying at all.
But he did and I have to remember how to live without him. It ain't easy. I remember my life before him, and it wasn't so bad, I suppose. It was flatter, lonelier. I managed though. I'll manage again one day, not today though. Today I'll just work on getting by. The Doc says I've got to take baby steps. I wish he wouldn't use those words. Wash and me would have made beautiful babies.
Best not to think of that now. There's no coming back for my man. One day, that thought won't feel like a knife being shoved into my gut. I imagine it'll feel something like a bee sting. I wish I didn't feel. I wish I could be the soldier in combat all the time. Keep my brain thinkin 'bout killin and plannin. Mapping out strategies and such. But that doesn't work out here in the black. Floating out here all you've got is time. That sort of thing ain't good when you're in the market for forgetting.