The Fellowship of the Fanfic Writers!
by Odeena Skywalker
Chapter 2: Some people never learn...
We had been writing for fifteen minutes or so, when my cellphone, which had miraculously gotten into my rucksack (although I had been pretty sure it was still under my bed where I left it) began to emit that very happy melody which announces that you've got an(other) incoming call. I sighed, then set aside my pen and my notebook and took the phone out.
"Yo'."
"Odeena? Hi, it's Paul. I--"
"Wrong number." I had used this line so many times that it was becoming an automatism. "Sorry."
"Wait, don't hang up! This isn't about you-know-what! This is serious!"
"Okay, speak up. You've got precisely 2.9 seconds, starting - now."
"Our science project."
My eyebrows flew up, pretty much like Elrond's when he didn't understand something and felt it was below his dignity to ask. "What about it?"
"Well, we're seriously falling behind with it, so I was thinking we could meet today and get it over with."
I sighed, "Can't we do our parts separately and then combine them?"
"Err, no, I don't think so."
"Okay then, how about I send you what I wrote via e-mail and you--"
"We must observe the experiment together."
"Okay, web-cam then?"
He groaned. "Look, I know you'd gladly drive a stake through my heart, but now's not the time for it. How about we meet tonight, my place?"
"My place. At six. And don't you dare be late. The sooner we get this over with, the better."
"Okay, see you then."
"Yeah, bye." I tossed my cellphone back in my rucksack and cursed under my breath.
"What's not a nice thing to say for a lady", Haldir said with a sly grin.
Damn elven senses. "None of your business, elf."
He snickered. "What's that project about, anyway?"
I shrugged. "Chemistry project. Paul's the best, I'm the worst, no idea how we ended up stuck together."
"Paul? As in, last-night-guy Paul?"
I threw Boromir a dirty look, "Shut up". Too late. Everyone was already staring at me. Great... Right then, I hated Boromir almost as much as I hated Paul. I made a mental note to write a really nasty fic about him, then took a deep breath and steeled myself for the avalanche of questions which was sure to come.
"Finished!"
"Gimli, you're a real angel", I muttered, as everyone's attention turned to the dwarf. "I love you."
Haldir raised his eyebrows, "You really mean that?"
"Shut up, elf."
"She used to tell me that a lot", Legolas supplied casually.
"Oh... yeah." Haldir made a face, then turned his attention back to Gimli, who was giving a brief summary of his fic.
"It's about Aragorn - no ofence there, lad. Essentially, Aragorn wants to get a job in Rivendell, so he and Arwen can get together. Quiet, everyone - I'll start reading now."
"Sounds interesting", I muttered to Legolas as I shifted to make myself more comfortable.
The elf shrugged. "Well, it beats weekday afternoon TV programs, anyway."
"That's a given", I said with a small chuckle.
"Ssh!"
Some people never learn...
'Wanted. Capable man or woman, able to handle any type of office work, typing, cleaning and coffee making included. Knowledge of Elvish is required. Call 1-800-ELROND.' Aragorn skimmed quickly through the rest of the job adds column, then picked up his cellphone and dialed 1-800-ELROND.
"Hello", answered a very annoyed voice, "you've reached Rivendell."
"Um, hi. I'm calling for the job add. You said you wanted a--"
"Secretary?"
"Well, that's not what the add says, but I suppose--"
"Good!" said the voice, whose owner was apparently determined not to let Aragorn say a whole sentence. "What's your name?"
"Aragorn... I mean, no, Aragog."
"Aragog? Are you that giant spider from 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets?'"
"What? No, of course not!"
"Oh. Well then, Aragog, you're hired. Come to Rivendell at once, I'll be expecting you."
"O... kay..." Aragorn set down his cellphone, then took a shower, put on his best suit, combed his hair, put on a pair of glasses and zoomed off.
(Later...)
"Where the hell's the doorbell of this place?" Aragorn wondered aloud as he entered the beautiful garden of Rivendell.
"It's out of order."
Aragorn jumped and turned quickly, his hand reaching for where the hilt of his sword should have been. Elrond raised his eyebrows at this. "So, you're a fighter then?"
"Yes! I mean, no! I mean, I'm Aragorn... err, Aragog. I'm here for the--"
"Ooh! Right! Aragog! The new secretary!"
"Technically, yes, but--"
"Right then, follow me!"
Aragorn sighed, then let Elrond lead him down to his office. "Well now, Aragog, sit down", said the elven lord, pointing to a very comfy-looking chair in front of a computer screen. "I must write an urgent e-mail to Lothlorien, and you shall be my typist."
"Right." Aragorn shifted uncomfortably. He could hardly see anything through his glasses. "But, umm, can you take it slow? I have rheumathysm."
"Sure thing. So: Dearest Galadriel..."
"Hold on. D, E, A..."
Elrond raised an eyebrow again, then went on. "I am sorry to have delayed my answer so, but-- Aragog, 'delayed' isn't spelled like that. It's 'd-e-l-a-y-e-d'."
"Oh. Sorry." Aragorn pushed back his glasses with one hand as he made the necessary corrections with the other. He still couldn't see a thing.
"No problem. Go on: but more pressing matters... Aragog, 'pressing' with a double 's'. And it's 'matters', not 'matress'."
"Sorry again." Aragorn corrected his typos. "Yes?"
"More pressing matters... wait, don't write that again!"
"Sorry yet again."
"Don't say 'sorry', just don't make mistakes!"
"Sorr--I mean, yes?"
"--have arisen in Rivendell--"
"Wait, was I supposed to write that?"
"Yes."
"Oh."
"...'Rivendell' isn't spelled 'Reavendle'."
"Sorry."
"Argh..."
(Much later...)
"Yours faithfully... 'f-a-i-t-h-f-u-l-l-y'..."
"Yes?"
"Elrond."
"Finished!" Aragorn grinned, "What next?"
"Nothing. You're fired."
"...what? Oh, come on! Why?"
"Well, Aragorn, don't think I didn't recognize you from the start. This is the fifth time you're trying to get a job in Rivendell so that you can secretly date Arwen. For the last time, she's too good for you, so give it up already."
"Never." Aragorn sat up. "I will marry her in the end. You'll see."
"No you won't."
"Yes I will." Aragorn made an attempt at a heroic exit, but since he was still wearing his glasses, he crashed into the closed door and knocked himself out.
The end.
As soon as Gimli read the last word, everyone broke into loud cheers, including myself. I never knew Gimli had such a tallent in writing parodies. Boromir and Faramir were laughing their heads off, Arwen was chuckling, and even Aragorn was clapping his hands loudly. Then, as everyone settled down, he spoke.
"Good one, Gimli."
"And accurate", Elrond cut in. "He did try to get a job in Rivendell once."
"As a secretary?"
"No, as the janitor."
Everyone cracked up. Then, Aragorn spoke again.
"Okay, my turn. Incidentally, I wrote a story about my good friends Gimli and Legolas here."
"Not again..." Legolas groaned, burying his face in his hands. "Aragorn, have mercy, I've been getting so many fics last night that I--"
"'Last night' again? Seems to me there was a lot of activity we missed", Arwen cut in. "What have you boys been up to?"
"Not again..." I muttered.
"Well, nothing... nothing much", Legolas said after casting a quick glance in my direction ."So, Aragorn, about that story...?"
"Yes, just a few more lines to go and I'm done."
"Right."
Once again, we all fell silent and resumed writing. On the other hand, Gimli, who now had nothing else to do, went to the kitchen for a well-deserved treat.
___________
Author's Note: New chapter! ^_^ And the next one is going to be absolutely evil... sorry to all the Legolas fans out there, but the elf is in for it again... But since it wasn't my idea but Aragorn's, I guess I'm cleared of all charges now... right? And thanks for reviewing go to:
DiamondTook3: Well, this was a first glimpse of the evil ideas the Fellowship can muster. Stay tuned for more.
ApocalypticPyro: A party in honor of my story? Thanks! Nobody did that before! :) Anyway, hope you didn't have to wait long!
laegoleaf: Here's more! ^_^ Even *more* to come!