~Be sure to check out my website, REvolution! (at ) for information about an illustration contest for my stories 'Legolas and the Really Messed-Up Fanfic!' and 'The Fellowship of the Fanfic Writers!' *by the way, that's no typo up there, that's how you spell my site's name * ~
The Fellowship of the Fanfic Writers!
by Odeena Skywalker (alias Anne Shard)
Chapter 7: Two kids and a palantir
Just as Galadriel stood up and opened her mouth, there was a loud crash!, and a tiny, white ball came through the window, narrowly missing Elrond's head, and smashed into my mum's favorite vase on the other side of the room. This in turn was followed by a loud 'Whoops!', and an even louder 'Sorry!'.
I jumped to my feet. "Merry, Pippin, get in here right now!" I shouted the last words, and all the elves in the room covered their ears.
"Geez, girl, calm down!" Haldir said, putting his hands up in mock surrender. "Do you plan to deafen us?"
I glared at him. "I'm not in the mood", I warned him, just as Merry and Pippin came into the room, both looking very abashed. I immediately turned my anger on them. "Can you explain this?" I demanded, pointing to the broken window and then to the vase.
"We're--" Merry began.
"--Sorry", Pippin finished. Then he glared at Merry. "It's his fault."
"No it isn't", Merry replied, sounding utterly outraged. "You threw the ball!"
"Yes, and you hit it!"
"Anyway, the window can be fixed", Merry said sheepishly. "And--" he pointed to the vase "--we'll--err--get you a new one, OK?"
I narrowed my eyes and crossed my arms. "Really."
"Yeah..." Merry was becoming increasingly nervous. "It's--not that expensive, is it?"
"No, it's just an authentic Ming", I said casually. "Priceless."
"Oh."
"I can fix that."
Before I could say anything, Galadriel flicked her hand towards the broken vase. It seemed to magically pull itself together (duh!), and then it floated back to where it had been standing before. Then, Galadriel did the same thing on the window. "Can I pretty please read my story now?" she asked impatiently.
"Story?" Merry and Pippin chorused together.
"Yeah, we're writing fanfics", Sam supplied from the other end of the room.
"Can we hear it, too?"
Elrond stood up. "As the leader of the Fellowship of the Fanfiction Writers, I welcome you to us. You are also free to take a clipboard and a pen and write your own stories."
"Great!" Merry and Pippin got two clipboards from the pile next to the couch and came to sit next to Frodo and Sam.
"And now, dear Galadriel, you may read your story", Elrond said, sitting back down.
"Who died and put him in charge?" Pippin asked Legolas quietly.
The elf shrugged. "No idea. But if I knew who it was, I'd kill him all over again for it."
I barely suppressed a giggle. Fortunately, the same moment Galadriel began to speak. "My story", she said, "is a short humor bit about Sauron, Saruman and two certain humans. And before you say anything", she added, turning to Boromir, "yes, I can write humor."
Boromir made an inviting gesture. "Well, let's hear it then!"
Galadriel smiled at him nicely, and then nodded. "Okay. Here goes."
Two kids and a palantir
The White Wizard, Saruman, sat down at his desk and wrote something on a piece of parchment. Despite the late hour, the wizard did not seem tired at all. On the contrary, he scribbled frantically, occasionally muttering unintelligible words to himself as he bid the end of his quill thoughtfully. Finally, he set his quill aside and wiped the sweat off his forehead. Then, he leaned back in his chair and began to read in a whisper:
"Dear mum,
Sorry I haven't written in such a long time, but I've been really, really busy. You see, I serve a very powerful Dark Lord called Sauron, who will eventually take over the world. Of course, I plan to turn on him after that and become ruler of Middle Earth, but don't tell that to anyone, OK?
I got all of your letters, starting with the one you sent me fifteen years ago. Here are the answers to your questions:
1) No, I didn't forget you, I've just been, like I said, really, really busy. I'm sorry, I promise I'll make it up to you from now on.
2) Yes, I've been promoted to the rank of 'White Wizard' seven years ago. Thanks for the congratulations.
3) Yes, I have my own army now. It consists of orcs mainly, although there are several thousand humans serving me, too. I know you hate orcs, but they're pretty cool once you get used to them.
4) No, I don't sleep with Mr. Snuffles any more. Come on, I'm a grown wizard! I'm over sleeping with stuffed animals! Really, I am!
I must go now. It's getting late, and I must hold a speech to my armies in the morning. For a strange reason, they all like to hear my voice... Then again, I like to hear my own voice, too. Especially when I thing. Hmm... I never thought about singing to them... I'll have to try that soon, to see what happens. I'll write you more in my next letter, OK?
Your loving son,
Saruman."
Saruman giggled, and then rolled the parchment, tied it and summoned a great white owl. He tied the parchment to its leg and it spread its wings and took off. He watched it until it flew out of sight, and then he sighed. "I deserve some rest", he muttered to himself.
Just then, the palantir - the stone he was using to commune with his Dark Lord - came to life, and the voice of Sauron himself emerged from it.
"Yes, my Lord", Saruman answered hurriedly.
The incoherent muttering soon turned to words. "I have a question to ask you, Saruman. Since you are so old and wise, you alone hold the answer to it."
"Speak it, my Lord."
"Where do baby orcs come from?"
Saruman's jaw dropped, but he fought to regain his composure. "Well, my Lord... I... breed my Uruk-Hai in cocoons. Is that what you wanted to know?"
"No, I mean where do *real* baby orcs come from?"
Saruman sighed. Clearly, his master was in one of those awkward moods, when he would ask strange questions and then expect a fully logical answer to them. "All right... I shall explain it to you, although I am not so certain myself... You see, when a daddy orc meets a mummy orc--"
Later...
"--And that is how it all goes", Saruman finished. "Does that clear it up?"
"Yes", Sauron purred. "Thank you, Saruman. But now I have another question: where do baby cave trolls come from...?"
Meanwhile, in Gondor...
"Ask him where baby elves come from!" Faramir said anxiously, as Saruman finished his explanation on where baby cave trolls came from.
"Hold on, I think I'm going to sneeze with all this smoke", Boromir replied quietly.
"Yeah, well, you made quite an impression of the Eye", Faramir said admiringly. "And that voice... how do you do it?"
Boromir shrugged with fake modesty. He then gazed straight into the palantir. "Now answer to this: where do baby elves come from?"
"Do you think dad will get angry that we stole his palantir?" Faramir asked worriedly.
Boromir shook his head. "Neah..."
Then, they both returned to listening to Sauron's sleepy explanations.
~ The end ~
Everyone broke into cheers. Faramir and Boromir both stood up and bowed before Galadriel.
"You are, truly, the Elven Queen of Humor Stories", Boromir said in awe. "That was--"
"--incredible", Faramir cut in. "Absolutely incredible! I am well and truly amazed!"
"That was the best one yet!" Aragorn said, which earned him glares from both Arwen and Eowyn. He didn't seem to notice or care.
"...And now", Boromir said, after all the cheers died down, "it's my turn, right?"
Elrond nodded.
"You know, I finished, too", Frodo said.
"Me too", Elrohir added.
"Wait your turn", Boromir said. "Look, I'll just make a few more adjustments, and then you'll hear the greatest humor story ever to be written - by a man", he finished with a grin.
___________
Author's Note: Hi, I'm back from Tibet! *insert hints about several romantic moments with Brad Pitt here, lol* Hoped you liked the chapter! And coming up next - the Green Dragon Party interlude! Thanks for reviewing go to:
Kendria Erleine: Yeah, the elf can cook pretty good. But I still like Boromir's cooking best ^_^ I'll start counting how many people are standing on one foot and doing the "Boogaboogaboogabooga" thing now. So - one...
Crystalline4: *takes out a notepad and a pen* Okay... romance... adventure... humor... 'Spin the bottle'... got it! (I think Legolas hates my guts, but who cares? I'm the Almighty Authoress! ^_^) And, we have an Arwen fan here... *mutters* Oh this is going to be interesting.
cryogenie: Second Eowyn fan here... This is definitely turning interesting. This gives me an idea for a future interlude... err... but more about that later ^_^ Legolas is writing a romance story. That's all he'll tell me, even though I threatened him to write him into another romance fic with Gollum. He said he'd take it and shrugged. Go figure...
KatFay: What can I say? Third Eowyn fan...
Voldie On Varsity Track: *giggles* Oh you are SO right about the Dark Lord! And about Eowyn... umm... sure, she looks OK with Faramir (although I *am* a bit jealous... ^_^), but with an orc? O_o You must really hate her... And what's with that thing about punching Harry in the face...?
Kekelina: Fourth Eowyn fan! Adding yours truly, we have five Eowyn fans from a total of six reviewers and an author! Go Eowyn! ...wait... I'm supposed to be impartial O_o So, you like Aragorn? Well then... how about meeting him in person at the Green Dragon? I can make it happen, you know... *hint, hint*
Note: Sorry to have missed a few reviews. For a strange reason, I don't get review alerts for all of them any more! Here are the other review responses, and sorry again.
Devie Saves: Thanks! And I'll check your fic out as soon as I can!
Filia Regalis: Eh... whoopsie...? I must have missed that one out... Anyway, thanks!
ApocalypticPyro: Well, I'm sure the elf would appreciate it if you helped him with cooking and stuff... I'm an awful cook myself, I must say.
Kendria Erleine: Well, the GDP interlude is going to be... an interlude, where authors and reviewers get to meet the LotR characters in person! And sure you can be in it! ^_^