A/N: Don't own YGO. Written for the Seto's Birthday contest at The Locket Keepers, a livejournal community for Kaiba brother fans. Check it out! New members welcome. The beginning is NOT a poem. '…thoughts…'
I crave solitary. I crave rock solid walls.
I need not happiness, joy, or laughter. All I desire is to be left alone.
Left alone with my bitter reality. Left alone with my bitter memories.
And my cold heart. I'm not a fool – I know how I am.
I care not about what everyone chooses to believe. They don't know me.
No one does.
I seek shelter from everything that I am.
Everything I am…reminds me of who I once was. And how it came to be.
Bitter memories create a bitter reality. I can't change the past.
No matter how much I want to.
But if I could, how would things be different? What about Mokuba? Would he still be the same? I love him with all of my heart. The thought of losing him could, would, and will tear me apart.
That is why I shut him out, too, no matter how much I don't want to. So that I can keep myself from falling apart, because if I break down, I won't be able to protect him.
I have to stay strong, like a mountain – like rock solid walls.
I have to stand alone, because no one else will or can help me. The only one I can depend on is myself. I trust no one.
Because of this, I am alone.
I am perfectly fine with it…or so I like to think, because even the deepest depths of my soul know the morose truth that continues to pound at those rock solid walls of my heart. I long for something better - something that will shut out the bitterness rather than allow it to consume me. Maybe for just one moment, I don't want to be left alone. Maybe it isn't better to shut my little brother out completely.
From the storms of life…
I seek true sanctuary.
The lonely, resentful soul settled back into the leather of the limo seats, thoroughly exhausted and grateful that the day was almost over. School had been a place of paranoia, hoping the secretary wouldn't notice the fact that today was his birthday. The middle-aged woman always made a point to wish everyone a happy birthday, whenever it was his or her special day. He had managed to avoid her, making a fast exit to the outside when the final bell rang.
Then it was off to the office where he worked hard and long until the usual time when he headed for home. What he needed now was a good sleep…after he got a few reports typed up. Homework was done in a jiffy, during the limousine ride.
Sighing heavily, Seto Kaiba swung his feet out into the chilly air, watching his own breath become a mini cloud and fade away into October's weather.
The wind blew, carrying a haunting melody filled with screams.
"Breathe, Mrs.-"More screams, resulting from pain, it seemed, and not fear, at least the kind of fear you would think to be found in a horror movie. It was a different type of fear – she feared for her child. She hoped it was healthy and that it would have a safe birth.
His birth – he didn't know how he knew (what person remembers their own birth?), but he knew…somehow.
Ignoring the chauffeur, Seto continued towards the mansion as the wind's soft song disappeared. Then, the wind altogether itself vanished, ceasing to disturb the fallen leaves. Raising an eyebrow, Seto waved it off as some kind of hallucination, resulting from his exhaustion. 'I really need some sleep,' he thought grimly.
One steady hand reached out and touched the doorknob.
'I'm late!' His thoughts raced as he turned the knob slowly, hoping Gozaburo wouldn't notice. The few friends he had (friends he had made a few weeks after moving to the mansion) had thrown him a small birthday bash. He had enjoyed it immensely, but now the knot of anxiety that had formed inside his stomach prior to the party, suddenly tightened, making him more worried than ever. 'And I left Mokuba all by himself, too.' Seto cursed himself mentally for making such a mistake.
The door opened and he stepped inside to see an angry-looking Gozaburo Kaiba…
Seto's hand abruptly shot back, pausing in mid-air. Where had that come from?
Muttering to himself, the teenaged CEO grabbed the knob again, tightly, as if daring it to harass him once more. Twisting it roughly, Seto entered the mansion and slammed it shut, irritated by these sudden flashbacks. Why were they all coming back to him now?
Immediately, Seto headed for the kitchen, deciding he ought to have a drink of water to refresh himself. Then he would get down to some last minute business.
Filling his glass with specially filtered water, he took a long gulp.
The icy eyes of Gozaburo struck his heart like daggers. "How could you get a C on the exam!" the man snapped.
Seto had always been verbally abused before, but never physically.
Until now.
It was his birthday today, and so far, he wasn't enjoying his day.
"I…I'm sorry-"
"'Sorry' doesn't cut it!"
"It's not his fault, sir!" Mokuba! The little boy ran into the room, apparently eavesdropping beforehand.
"Silence, you little brat!" Gozaburo had had it with these kids. Swinging an arm, he prepared to carry out his assault – a mere slap, in his opinion. His own father had done the same thing. You had to become tough to survive; survival of the fittest was his truth.
Still…
"No!" Seto dove in front of his brother, pushing him out of the way, taking the blow himself. The skin of his cheekbones reddened, surprisingly painful. Wincing, Seto looked away from his brother, not wanting to see the shock in Mokuba's tear-filled eyes.
His composure may not have shattered right then and there, but the glass did.
A maid came rushing in. "Oh, dear!" She already had a broomstick and pan in her hand.
Backing up, Seto's foot crunched on a piece of glass –
"I'm sorry, Mokuba…" His heart broke. Mokuba was crying himself to sleep in the next room. Seto had gotten angry with him for virtually no reason – Seto would have blamed Gozaburo for the workload, but he alone was responsible for his own actions.
It had been October 25th that day, his birthday yet again.
'I hate the day I was born,' Seto concluded furiously, frantically leaving the kitchen as fast as he could. He had to get away, away from everything that reminded him of his past.
He stopped in the living room.
Gozaburo tore Mokuba's homemade card apart. Seto watched from behind a door. "We don't need junk like this to distract Seto," the man was saying.
"Yes, sir," Mokuba nearly whispered, struggling to keep the tears from falling.
"Mokuba…" Seto murmured softly, feeling his hatred for Gozaburo grow.
"No!" Seto cried, becoming increasingly angry and frightened at what was happening. Every birthday had been the same – terrible. He didn't want to remember those days!
Not knowing where else to go, Seto ran for one of the many side doors. Outside, the wind had started up again, blowing harshly, chilling him to the bone. More birth pain screams reached his ears. Covering them, Seto leaned against the outer paneling, slowly sinking to the ground, wishing away the terrible memories and the ugliness of his reality…
"No," he whispered hoarsely, suddenly hating everything he thought of. He was retreating into his own world, still hearing the screams, the shouts of anger, the whimpering –
Solid rock walls were hastily built, but still they came.
"My birthday…" Seto growled, opening his once blue eyes of steel. "I hate it. I hate everything about it – I hate him!" he snarled, referring to Gozaburo. "He has destroyed my life."
It made him very angry that he was giving in like that.
"Setoooo!"
Mokuba's voice! What miserable memory was tormenting him now?
Suddenly he felt arms around him.
"Seto?"
The elder brother realized with relief that Mokuba, the real-in-form Mokuba, was there.
The young boy said nothing, but merely hugged his brother, as though he understood the current predicament.
Seto hugged him back, tightly, gradually feeling his body calm down and the memories fading away. "Mokuba," he murmured, hugging him even tighter. "I'm glad you're here."
Mokuba smiled. "I'll always be here, Seto."
An ironic twist – Seto had always said those words to him.
"Will you come inside now?" Mokuba asked hopefully. "It's…kind of cold." The raven-haired boy shivered, not liking the wind at all. The normal wind, that is.
Seto nodded. "I don't like being out here anymore than you do." He paused. "Plus, I have work to do."
Mokuba sighed. "I know…but come to the dining room first, okay?" Leading his brother back into the mansion, Mokuba gave an excited grin. Oh, he couldn't wait to show Seto the surprise. "Happy Birthday, Seto!" he exclaimed when the two had stepped into the dining area.
Seto blinked, seeing the wonderfully made birthday cake with several lit candles. A little ways away sat three clumsily wrapped gifts and a more attractive looking gift beside the three.
"I baked the cake myself," Mokuba admitted. "I hope you don't mind, but I needed some help. But not from a professional chef. I had Yugi, Tea, and Bakura come over and help." He became silent, wondering what Seto would say to that.
"They were here?" The elder Kaiba raised an eyebrow. "When?"
"They came after school. I called them." Mokuba gestured toward the small neatly wrapped present. "That one is from all of them."
Well, that was a shocker. Seto changed the subject. "You don't really expect me to blow out those candles and make a wish, do you?" he asked, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.
Mokuba chuckled. "You don't have to make a wish, but at least blow them out!"
"Very well." Seto felt extremely silly at agreeing to do such a thing, but after what he had experienced… Bending down slightly, Seto blew out all of the candles, except for one.
"Ha! Missed one!" Mokuba laughed. "Now open your presents!"
From Mokuba, Seto received a watercolor painting of the Blue Eyes White Dragon (done at school – "It's a little messy, but I think it looks okay. I got a good mark on it!"). He also was given a science fiction novel ("Seto, read something other than reports!") and a specially engraved watch.
"'To the best brother in the whole world,'" Seto read out loud. A small smile spread across his face. "Thanks, kid."
"Now open that present." Mokuba pointed to the one from Yugi, Tea, and Bakura.
Reluctantly, Seto opened the small gift, wondering why they would do such a thing for him. "A pack of Duel Monster cards," he said.
"They didn't know what you would have wanted," Mokuba explained.
"I see." Seto tossed the card packet onto the table. "Thank you, Mokuba, for everything."
Mokuba grinned. "Aw, it's just some presents and cake." He glanced at the delicious-looking baked good. "Can we eat now?"
Seto nodded his appreciation. 'Mokuba, you have helped me in more ways than you can possibly imagine.'
Maybe his birthday wasn't such a bad thing after all.
I am convinced that I am not completely or fully solid rock. I can do with things like happiness, joy, laughter, and love. All come in the form of my little brother.
Loneliness is something that will always be around. I can't escape it – that much I know. But it doesn't have to devour my entire being.
My wounded soul has searched endlessly, my heart seeking something different.
Lost and found – a light is showing me the way – Mokuba. Darkness may prevail from time to time, a tempestuous storm. But I need not be afraid or troubled.
I have found true sanctuary.