SIX

Peter watched Phoebe shake her head with a smile as though she could scatter the cobwebs of the memory to the wind.

"He never told you or your sisters the truth about the gun did he? Even though you were all angry at him for bringing it home."

"No, he never told us. And I never told him I knew either," she finished quietly.

Peter sat lost in thought for a few moments. It seemed there had been much to his father the man that might have been worth knowing as well. He still wasn't sure Phoebe had answered his question, but then maybe he just wasn't sure exactly what the question was.

Phoebe watched Peter as he mulled his thoughts over. It was obvious to her that there was more than curiosity motivating him. She felt a deep urgency to give him the best answer possible to his question, though she couldn't say where that urgency sprang from.

"I can't tell you why I loved your father Peter. Any more than I could tell you why your mother loved him, or for that matter, why this Darklighter had feelings for him. I just don't believe that any of us know why we love someone. It's not any one thing, more the sum of who that person is."

"Well, I think I'm beginning to get an idea how it might have been possible."

"I don't know if this will be good enough, but it's the best I can do at putting it into words for you Peter. Your father was a complicated man. It's true that he was a romantic and it went beyond simple romance. He had an absolute gift for making a woman feel like she was the most special person in the world. Everything would just fade away, as though we were the only two people on the planet. And that honor and loyalty that you've heard so much about in his demonic nature? Well, it was a very big part of Cole's human nature as well. When you add his capacity for compassion and the innate kindness he could show to anyone in need…" Phoebe trailed of with a small, sad sigh.

"Let's just say he was easy to love and let it go at that, okay," she finished with a tiny smile.

"Yeah," Peter said quietly. " I think that might just cover things pretty well. I know it can't be easy for you, talking about him like this. So, thank you," he started to stand, feeling he'd intruded long enough.

Phoebe could see that he was still disturbed and was reluctant to let him go like that. There were enough unresolved matters where Cole was concerned; she didn't want to add Peter to that list.

"Wait," she called out quickly.

He returned to his chair, somewhat surprised that she wasn't more eager to have him leave.

"It won't change anything Peter, but I really am sorry that we had to vanquish him. I didn't want to believe he'd reverted so deeply to his evil nature. But he couldn't be allowed to go on trying to hurt us. I wish things could have been different," she couldn't keep the sob from her voice as she finished.

Stunned, Peter reached for her hand to comfort her. He couldn't believe that she thought he would blame her or her sisters. The turmoil that he felt came from an even more surprising source. The realization that he didn't blame Cole either. As each piece of the puzzle that had been his father started to slide into place, he felt he almost understood. And with that understanding, came an overwhelming need to comfort this woman that his father had loved so much.

"Phoebe, please, I never meant to imply that you should feel bad. There are things that we just can't change, no matter how hard we wish it to so. I don't know if this will make it better or worse, but I have to say it either way. I don't think he really did embrace evil again. I'm more inclined to think that he was just so desperately in love with you that he had to do something. He chose the wrong thing. That's not your fault, but I'm not sure it was really his fault either. It just was. He told me that he didn't even know what love was before you. If there is anything I'm sure of at all, it's that he wouldn't have wanted you to let him hurt you or to feel bad about having to stop him."

Brushing at a stray tear, she considered what he'd said. Maybe he was right. She'd like to believe he was. She wondered, under the circumstances, if he would be offended by what she said next.

"You could be right," she said. "I really hope you won't take this the wrong way, but you are an awful lot like him. I mean that in a good way Peter. All the wonderful things that he was, I can see in you. And right now I can see that you aren't anymore at ease than you were when you got here. There's more than curiosity at work here. And, sweet as you are, you didn't come here just to try and make me feel better. So, how about telling me what's going on with you."

Peter swallowed hard. He thought he'd disguised his emotions better than that. As he searched for a way to begin to explain, he realized Phoebe had provided perhaps the ideal place.

"I'm not insulted," he said with a rueful smile. " I have to admit that there was a time when I would have been, have been even. I guess that's a big part of why I came here today. It made me angry when Baldasor said it. But after listening to him, it also made me think. He was right. And because I had to admit that, it forced me to examine who and what I was."

"That can't have been easy," Phoebe said sympathetically.

"No, it wasn't. Then Cole came back from the Wasteland. So, I took my questions and went to see him. I saw how he was. He told me about my mother and he talked about you. I came away even more confused. What I'd seen and heard went beyond any of the simple concepts I'd always used when I thought about him. I could almost understand and I saw even more of myself in him."

"Well, I think I can understand why that might unsettle you. But if you'd already seen that there was more to him than the demon you'd assumed him to be, why was today so important Peter?"

"I spent my whole life hating him for what he was." Peter pushed a hand shakily through his hair.

"Hating him for who he was. But I never knew who he was. You know I've always avoided forming close relationships with people. And I blamed the legacy of his heritage for that. I always lived with the fear that because he was a monster to me that I must be one as well. When I got back and realized he was gone again, for good this time…" Peter's voice broke.

"I needed to know, Phoebe," he went on brokenly. "I am like him. And I needed to know if that could be a good thing. If he was a good man, at least as good as he could be. I had to know if maybe it would be okay for me to stop pushing people out of my life or if I just needed to accept that I would always be alone."

"Oh, Peter," Phoebe squeezed his hand tightly. "I can promise you that you are only the very best of everything Cole was. I'm sorry if the things I told you weren't enough for you to see that. I don't know what else to tell you."

Peter fought to control all the emotions that were battling within him so that he could continue.

"It's not that. I do understand. That's why I'm so sad right now. So many wasted years and there's no way to get them back. I understand what he was trying to tell me about regrets now too. I could have known sooner. If I'd ever given him a chance, I might have been able to spare myself and him so much pain."

"Peter, don't. His regrets aren't something that he would have wanted to leave you with. I doubt that you have any idea how very proud of you he was. He couldn't change the circumstances of your birth, but he loved you."

Peter took a deep breath, his eyes, infinitely sad, met hers and found a mirrored expression reflected back at him.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

"Don't be. The truth is your questions have given me a chance to spend some time with my better memories of your father. I'm grateful for that. Even when something is unavoidable, we need to mourn. That hasn't exactly been easy for me. It's not like I can share a lot of what I feel with Piper and Paige under the circumstances."

"He didn't leave many people behind to care that he was gone did he?"

'No," she whispered. "But I have to believe that those he did, were enough; enough for him and enough for us."

"It's ironic," Peter said. "Even in death, his demonic heritage has managed to get in the way."

Phoebe looked puzzled and he hurried on to explain.

"If he had been simply human. There would have been a funeral or a memorial. There would be a grave. Someplace to go to say good-bye. A period at the end of the sentence. But because of what he was, there's only the reality that he's gone and emptiness. I didn't let him in much when he was alive, but it would be nice if there was a better way to say good-bye," Peter finished with a helpless shrug.

Phoebe looked momentarily taken aback by his words. Then she smiled perhaps the most radiant smile Peter had ever seen.

"Maybe there is Peter. Just maybe there is."

Peter just stared at her in slack jawed amazement at that pronouncement.