The Fellowship of the Fanfic Writers!
by Odeena Skywalker (alias Anne Shard)
Interlude: Who owns Boromir? (part one)
Bob the Narrator: Hello, everybody! My name is Bob, and I'm the narrator of this story.
Legolas: rolls his eyes Well, I'm ready to bet my life that we never would've guessed that.
Bob: Really?
Legolas: ...no.
Bob: Oh. Anyway, the aim of this interlude is to decide, once and for all time, the official owner of Boromir, Stewart of Gondor.
Legolas: Um... Bob? No offense, but the readers can tell that from the title.
Bob: ...righty. Excuse me then. In that case, without farther ado--
Legolas: mutters Lame Shakespeare ripoff...
Bob: --let's get it on!
Legolas: And that was a perfect Celebrity Deathmatch ripoff. Damn it, Bob, can't you get yourself an original line?
Bob: Hey, I just stick to the script here, OK?
Legolas: So? Never heard of improvising before?
Bob: Well, I'm not paid to do that!
Legolas: Then you should do it for free! Improvising is the sugar and spice of a show!
Bob: Oh, for crying out loud...
[ As Bob and Legolas continue their argument, the camera shifts to a large amphitheater, much like a modern-day Colosseum. It's dark, and although the tribunes are full, there are hardly any sounds coming from the audience, except for an occasional cough or rustle of a paper bag here and there. The camera pans over the crowd, zooming in on a group of Legolas fangirls, passing quickly over Saruman, who seems to have fallen asleep in his seat while reading a magazine, focusing for several seconds on an orc who proudly wears an 'I-love-Arwen' T-shirt and finally coming to a stop directly above the stage. ]
[ Several second pass, and then comes a drumroll - and the stage is lit by several of Gandalf's magical flames. Some cheesy music begins to play. ]
Bob: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight - Odeena Skywalker!
[ The audience cheers as Odeena runs on stage. ]
Odeena: waves
Bob: And now, let's give it a warm hand for Odeena's co-host - Faramir!
[ A smiling Faramir appears and is welcomed by a mixture of cheers and screams from the crowd. ]
Faramir: Good evening everyone!
[ More cheers. Several fangirls faint. ]
[ Eventually... ]
Odeena: Thank you! First of all, I'd like to thank you all for coming here tonight.
Faramir: But then again, if you hadn't come, you would have missed the fun of your lives, so it is really you who should be thinking us. various chuckles and giggles from the audience Anyway, like Bob said in the beginning, tonight we decide who will own my brother Boromir from now on.
Odeena: I can tell you that the fight is going to be tough. The odds are tight, so don't blink, or you might miss something of capital importance.
Faramir: And now, without anything else, let us welcome our competitors!
Odeena: First, we have Julia a.k.a. hornofgondor2, who would do absolutely anything to own Boromir.
Faramir: Now who would be that desperate?
Odeena: A true fangirl, I'd say.
[ Julie comes on stage and is greeted by cheers and encouragements from the crowd. ]
Faramir: Next, we have Crystalline, who some of you probably know already from the Green Dragon Party interlude.
Odeena: Crystalline would like to own Boromir because she's always wanted to have her very own Man of Gondor.
Faramir: She could take me instead, I don't mind!
[ Crystalline appears and receives the same warm welcome ]
Faramir: Moving on, here's someone who would like to own Boromir for an entirely different reason.
Odeena: spastikLeggyluver wants to own him so she can enslave him and make him scrub the basement floor.
Faramir: I really hope she wins...
[ spastikLeggyluver arrives and takes her designated place, largely cheered for by the crowd ]
Odeena: And finally, we have a fangirl who wants to hold him hostage and then trade him for Faramir.
Faramir: Oh, dear...
Odeena: chuckles Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome - necromancer!
[ necromancer comes on stage and bows as the crowd cheers some more ]
Odeena: ...And that's about it with the contestants.
Faramir: Thank goodness...
Odeena: What? Are you suddenly feeling sorry for your brother?
Faramir: chuckles Of all the unexpected things, yes, I am! Can you believe it?
Odeena: Well, anything could happen, right? giggles Anyway, now that we have our competitors, let us welcome the jury!
Faramir: The wisest and most powerful wizard of all times - Gandalf the White!
Odeena: Known also as the oldest being in Middle Earth, although that's not officially proven yet - Treebeard!
Faramir: A special delegate from the Lord of the Rings Fans Association - midnitest4rz!
Odeena: And last, but not least... hold on.
Faramir: What?
Odeena: This cannot be.
Faramir: What is it?
Odeena: shifts through her clipboard This simply can't be... oh, I am so gonna kill Gandalf for this!
Faramir: What? What happened?
Odeena: coughs As I was saying, the fourth, last and least member of the jury - my little sister, Laurie!
[ Each member of the jury waves as his name is called - except for Laurie, who is too deeply engaged in her Gameboy to care about anything else ]
Faramir: Finally, my brother Boromir, who is the object of this dispute, couldn't be here tonight because he was kidnapped by a band of desperate fangirls earlier today.
Odeena: But don't you folks worry - our special intervention team is already on the case.
Faramir: From what I know, 'Haldir's boys', as the team members like to call themselves, are already in hot pursuit of the fangirls on the highway. Live with us now is Haldir of Lorien, who is ready to give us more information.
[ The camera switches to Haldir, who is wearing a black T-shirt that says 'Haldir's boys will kick your $$!' and is at the moment busy arranging his bangs ]
Random extra elf: Umm... Haldir?
Haldir: absently What?
R.E.E.: You're live on TV...
Haldir: starts Oh! hides his mirror behind his back Hi there!
[ Back at the amphitheatre, the fangirls go wild ]
Random fangirl: Marry me, Haldir!
Odeena: How are things there?
Haldir: Well, we got them pretty much cornered. Sauron's cave trolls have blocked all the exits, and two of the Nazgul are surveying from above.
Faramir: A cheap replacement for helicopters, I'd say... grins
Haldir: So we'll get Boromir back soon enough. Although I'm not sure I want him back...
Odeena: chuckles Well, don't you worry, there's plenty of fangirls here who do.
Faramir: I completely agree with you!
Odeena: Anyway, thank you, Haldir. And now that that's settled - let the contest begin!
[ Some cheesy TV-show-style music begins to play. The audience cheers. ]
Odeena: For our first round, I would like each of you to step forward and tell us why you want to be the owner of Boromir.
Faramir: Remember, you will each have thirty seconds for this. Julie, you may begin.
Julie: Well... I wanna be the official owner of Borry! Why do I want to own him you ask? Well why not? He's hot, adorable, sexy, silly, cute, huggable, handsome, loving, sweet, yummy, funny, kindhearted, playful, gorgeous, attractive, loyal, devoted, caring, affectionate, brave, bold, amusing, faithful, and he's got the Horn of Gondor! winks But besides all that he is my hero, the love of my life, the guy I obsess over every single moment of my life, my greatest obsession, and I would be heartbroken if I were not chosen to own Boromir of Gondor!
Odeena: chuckles There's definitely an interesting motivation!
Faramir: Crystalline?
Crystalline: Well... I would like to own him because I've always wanted to have my very own Man of Gondor. And he's not bad to look at either! grins
Faramir: If you want a man of Gondor, you could always pick me, you know...
Odeena: teasingly Remember, no flirting with the contestants!
Faramir: looking slightly abashed Oh. Sorry. spastikLeggyluver?
spastikLeggyluver: Like you already said, I want to enslave Boromir and make him scrub the basement floor! Mwahahahaha!
Faramir: I definitely agree with you on that one. And finally, necromancer?
necromancer: I don't want to do unspeakable things to Boromir, so you don't have to worry about that. I just want to hold him hostage, the ransom of which would be Faramir. Once I get Faramir, I'll let Boromir go happily to be devoured by his fangirls.
Odeena: Poor Boromir.
Faramir: Yeah... grins Anyway, that's it for our first round. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we will take a short break. Don't you move from your seats - we'll be right back!
Bob the Narrator: And this concludes part one of the 'Who owns Boromir' interlude. Stay tuned for more!
Legolas: groans Oh, could someone PLEASE throw this guy out the window...?
Author's Note: Well, here's the first part of the Interlude, as I promised! Yet more randomness and funny stuff coming up in part two! So what do you think? Do you like it so far? Let me know! And thanks for reviewing go to:
Miroku's Soul and Heart: ...And yet another fantastic penname! Don't worry, I'll keep writing... though I don't promise anything on the 'soon' part... I got a life to attend here, and lately it's been getting pretty busy... :)
Crystalline4: As you can see, you're in the contest... and yes, people should go read A Series of Drunken Events as well! For those of you who don't know it yet, ASODE is a Prequel to the Green Dragon Party interlude written by me and ApocalypticPyro! Go and check it out!
Voldie on Varsity Track: Hmm... maybe I'll do a 'Who-owns-Faramir' interlude, too... or not... I'll have to see about that... Anyway, Rosie resembles Dory a lot (by the way, I absolutely LOVED 'Finding Nemo'!) And I loved those disturbing mental images... lol!
Kekelina: Thanks 2x! By the way, was it your birthday? In this case - Happy Birthday from me and the Fellowship! :)
ApocalypcitPyro: Well... I'm sure Boromir is sorry for almost smashing your car :) I'll talk to Elrond and see if he wants to lend me Elrohir.. Elladan is already taken :) And one more thing: I'll write the next chapter of ASODE as soon as I get the chance! But I must finish a new chap for 'The Ring Goes To Italy', first... :)
Filia Regalis: Oh dear, another one who claims ownership of Faramir... Well, you and the other fangirls will just have to reach an agreement together... like, each one of you gets him for one day or something... :)
hornofgondor2: Well, here's the interlude! Hope you liked it! Stay tuned for part two... and don't worry, things will get much more interesting! :)
Omega XSabre: Let's see now: fallen Raziel Arwen = ... oh, my... goes to hide in the closet About your story, like I said, it's OK to write anything about me as long as I'm in it :) But if you do, maybe you could mention the fact that I have a mad crush on Rahab? :)
midnitest4rz: As you can see, you're in the interlude... and in part two you'll be both sarcastic and violent, trust me! :)