The Fellowship of the Fanfic Writers!

by Odeena Skywalker (alias Anne Shard)

Chapter 13: The Incredible Story of Prince Faramir and the Cake, remixed by Prince Faramir himself

After a very long time, Faramir returned from the kitchen, and - much to the gratitude of all hobbits present - bearing a tray piled-up with sandwiches.

"Wow!" Sam yelled, jumping up. "I can't tell you how hungry I am!" With that, he reached out, snatched a gigantic hamburger and began to munch it noisily.

"So much for table manners..." I muttered as Merry, Pippin and even Frodo followed Samwise's example. Most of the others took a sandwich as well, and for several minutes the only sounds to be heard were all kinds of munches, crunches and burps. Eventually, when everyone was done, Faramir took the tray back to the kitchen, and then once again sat down in his usual spot.

"You may begin", Elrond said majestically.

"...Won't someone tell Elrond that he's got mustard on his nose?" Legolas whispered to me.

"Well..." I said, pretending to be in deep thought about it. "No."

"I'll be honest to you", Faramir began, standing up. "My story is actually a remix of a story that Odeena wrote a while ago, involving me, my brother, and a certain cake..."

"Oh, no", I muttered, hiding my face in my hands. "Will that story haunt me for the rest of my life?"

"Don't sulk about it", Haldir said empathically, patting me on the shoulder. "Bear it with dignity. Like a true warrior princess."

"But I'm not a warrior princess", I replied sulkily. 'Although I wish I were', I added to myself with a little sigh.

"Most of you may not be familiar with this story", Faramir went on. "Anyway, I hope that all of you will enjoy it. Here we go"

The Incredible Story of Prince Faramir and the Cake, remixed by Prince Faramir himself

It was my brother Boromir's twenty-fifth birthday.

Ah, yes. What better opportunity for our father to point out every five minutes that Boromir was infinitely smarter, stronger, prettier, and generally better at anything and everything than I was. Don't think I'm a complexed or grudgy fellow, but that's just the way things were.

"He's right", Boromir whispered. "Boy, were those times great... I could do anything I wanted to. I remember one time when me and Faramir were--"

"Ssh!" several anxious voices interrupted him.

"Oh... Sorry."

Anyway, like I said, my brother was getting all the attention. Not only from our father, but from our mother, relatives (more or less distant), courtiers and so on. All I was left with was the unquestioned loyalty and affection of my Chiuaua dog, and between me and you, this was definitely not enough. Apart from that, I had to do all the 'low work' there was. All day long, it was Faramir this, and Faramir that... I thought I would go nuts.

Until...

"Son, I have a very important task to ask of you."

'Yeah, I bet you do', I thought, glaring at my father and wondering what manner of crazy thought had occured to him this time.

"You know, we were going to appoint a girl to jump out of the cake baked specially for your brother."

'He gets all the treats, the lucky bastard', I groaned inwardly, as my father went on about how they couldn't find a suitable girl - not that there weren't any pretendants, and so...

"-And so, I'm afraid you'll have to do it."

"Oh, okay, I - what?!" I practically chocked out.

"Why, dress up as a girl and jump out of the cake, of course!"

"You have got to be kidding me", I snapped. "Are you seriously going to tell me that--" Noting the dreadful look on his face, I stopped. Apparently, just in time.

"Now, don't you dare to disobey me, Faramir! You know better than anyone that Boromir is infinitely smarter, stronger, prettier and enerally better at anything and everything than you are. So don't disappoint me even more."

'And here we go again...' I sighed mentally. It was the twenty-third time that day that I was hearing this line.

"I won't, father."

Humor me, OK? What other chance did I have...?

"Good." With that, my father whirled around and left. I stuck my tongue out at his back, and then I began to reflect on how I could posibly escape from this humiliation. Childish excuses like 'I have a tummy ache' were very less likely to work, and exaggerated ones - 'I couldn't do it because I had to fight a squad of orcs and I was late for the make-up session' - were even less likely to succeed.

But then, a stunning revelation dawned on me. Even if I did go inside the stupid cake, there was no reason whatsoever to be in drag as well! I could very well elude my father by telling him I have my own make-up artist (and stand his stupid jokes about it for the rest of my life afterwards). This was my big chance - no, my only chance to get the attention I rightfully deserved.

With this kind of thoughts in mind, I set out to find my best friend and the most skilled merchant in Minas Tirith, going my the name - or rather, alias - of John Chen.

Later...

"So: one pound of gunpowder, one 'Ladies-love-me' potion, one 'Please-don't-kill-me' potion, and one class T superhero costume. Is that all?"

Let me translate that for you. Gunpowder - latest black market import, looks like sand and makes a big boom if lighted. 'Ladies-love-me' (LLM) and 'Please-don't-kill-me' (PDKM) potions - self explanatory. Class T superhero costume - eh...?

"Class t?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, class T. For 'Thunderbird'."

"Oh."

"That will be seventeen gold-weights."

'That's robbery', I groaned inwardly. But I had no time to argue. I was already behind schedule. I paid up, gathered my new acquisitions, and rushed back to the palace. I had a little over half an hour to get ready...

Even later...

The inside of the cake was tight as Hell. I could hardly move a limb, and I could already feel my arms and legs go numb. Still, it was worth it. Soon - very soon - I would have my revenge on both my father and the unsuspecting Boromir.

Suddenly, the hatch of the cake creaked open enough for my father to glare inside. Fortunately, it was too dark for him to see my real outfit. "Don't disappoint me", he hissed.

"I won't, father", I answered serenely. "I promise."

At last...

It seemed an eternity until the cake finally set in motion. The sounds of a wild party reached my ears, faint at first, but gradually increasing, until I could hardly stand it any more. Finally, the cake stopped. I took in a deep breath. It was now or never.

The noise stopped, and the tune of 'You can leave your hat on' began to play. This was it. I took out the little thing that John had given me with the gunpowder - I believe he called it a 'home-made detonator' or something like it - and pressed the big, red button. And in the same instant, the cake exploded, and I burst out.

I won't describe the scene that followed next, for the sole reason that words are simply not enough to depict the beauty (and chaos) of it all. Imagine my father and Boromir all covered in cream, ladies screaming and fainting, and men asking who in Elbereth's name was the man in a crazy outfit to jump out of a cake, and you'll have a (very vague) image of it.

I was drunk with excitement. This was my moment at last! At last, I was getting all the atention I deserved!

But then, something went wrong. All the ladies in the room let out a collective roar, and then threw themselves at me. At first, I didn't worry - until I realized that every man in the room was looking at me lovingly and smiling. This was not supposed to happen...

I don't remember clearly what happened next. All I know is that, at one point, I was hanging from the window sill and a little teenage girl twice as fat as I was was trying to bite my fingers. After that, I fell, and everything went black...

Still...

My next conscious memory takes me back to John Chen's shop. As I regained consciousness, I heard John wailing. After a while, I began to distinguish words. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Faramir", he was saying. "I gave you a 'Ladies-kill me' and a 'Please-love-me' potion instead of what you asked! I hope you're not mad at me... Are you?"

"I'm... going... to... kill... you..." I hissed through my gritted teeth.

'But first, I have to pull myself together from that nasty fall', I realized with another mental sigh. And that was going to take some time...

I blacked out again.

- The end -

As soon as Faramir finished, the rest of us rushed at him and carried him across the room in triumph. After that, we tossed him up several times - and once, he narrowly missed my mom's japan chandelier - and carried him across the room again. Finally, we set him down in Elrond's seat, which seemed to triger no reaction from Elrond himself, and proclaimed him the new leader of the Fellowship. When things settled at last, Elrond - now sitting between Boromir and Eowyn - officially accepted out decision.

"All righty then", Faramir said, doing a perfect imitation of Ace Ventura. "So... has anyone else finished yet?"

Silence.

"I... see... Well then, I'd say we just wait until one of you does. And, until then... I'll go get another snack."

Author's Note: I'm back from vacation and with a fresh breath of inspiration! :) And I have important news: the next-next chappie will be the 'Fellowship and fangirls go steady' interlude, so if you want to be in it, this is your last chance of telling me! So far, the selected pairs are as follows:

Elessar (a.k.a. Aragorn, Strider, Estel etc.) and Kekelina

hornofgondor2 a.k.a. Julia and Boromir (and don't you fangirls go berserk - she won him fair and square now, didn't she? :)

Morwen de Cearo and Elladan (sorry, ladies, the hot elf is taken - but don't worry, there are always hotter elves around! wink, wink)

Filia Regalis a.k.a. Kara and Frodo (no comment there... you kids have fun, and be nice, OK?)

Devie Saves a.k.a. Linwe and Faramir (and to think I wanted to go with Faramir... pouts... okay, just kidding, don't tell elf boy I said this ;) )

necromancer a.k.a. Hish and Haldir (as a belated birthday present - once again, happy birthday, Hish!)

Crystalline and Faramir

And finally, me and - well, let's just keep that a surprise, OK? :) If you want to take one of our remaining bachelors (or, why not, bachelorettes), announce it in your review! And now, on to the review responses...

Crystalline4: Thank you! As you can see, you're already in for the interlude... Haldir was taken, so I gave you Faramir ;) I hope you're happy! :)

Filia Regalis : Okay, you'll be known as Kara then! ;) You really, really like me? tears well up Thank you! sniff
Boromir: very, very annoyed Here she goes again... handles me a tissue

Mercury Gray: Talk about owning Faramir? Oh, dear, the fangirls will kill me... sigh Anyway, I think (keyword: think - I don't want to get flayed and fried by a mob of angry fangirls!) I'll do a 'Who-owns-Faramir' interlude after the 'Fellowship and fangirls go steady' interlude... ;)

Terreis: Well, better late than never, as they always say. You're right - everyone got what they wanted, and I bet even Faramir and Boromir were happy about it. Boromir - because he got to show off and all the people saw how much fangirls like him, and Faramir - because he got to flirt with all those pretty girls. And you say he's in your closet? (Faramir, I mean) Dang, I've been looking all over for him! sigh Okay, you can keep the little troublemaker. For now...

Omega XSabre: All right, shoo! Shoo! Bad fangirls! Bad! finally manages to save Omega from all the angry fangirls There! sigh You just can't stay out of trouble, can you...

midnitest4rz: I'm glad you liked the Interlude! grins And you're right, the summer is getting quite boring... Thanks for your review, and sorry for the long wait ;)

THECheeseTurkey: Well, North Carolina is cool, too, since it's in the States and everything... sigh I've always wanted to go to the States. Anyway, you're saying that Angmar was actually the name of a place and not of the ugly Witch King? Hmm... where did you learn that? scratches forehead And about that bit about you and the elf-boy living in a cheese-coloured castle... what can I say? Long live creative insanity... whispers I'm the same, you know... No, wait, I'm worse. Much worse. grins

Lobo Diablo: I think that Boromir calls Aragorn 'my king' before he bites the big one because... well... okay, I have no idea why he does that. Hey, I know! Let's go ask Peter Jackson, maybe he knows! grins Seriously now, I think that's just the little bit of respect he never got to show while he was alive and well and everything... or something...

ApocalypticPyro: Thankies!

Meg-a-millions: Okie-dokie... ;)

Voldie On Varsity Track: Well, as you can see, I'm back to fanfic writing ;) And about Faramir in lacy pants... drool

PirateAngel: Thank you! And thank you for reviewing 'Legolas and the Really Messed-Up Fanfic', too! :) You're too kind!

Nethira06: Thank you! lack of inspiration... sorry

PS: Thirteen reviews again! Does happy dance I love you guys! in silly, Dee-Dee-like voice Wow... lookie at the review responses... they take up so much... silly grin