The first real chapter…dun dun dunnnn…
"Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
"Yes Mrs…" she checked the chart, "Nelson."
"You're sure you're a real doctor? You look a bit young," her voice was cranky and hoarse, no doubt from a lifetime of cigarettes.
"Just relax," her tone was soothing but in reality she wanted nothing more than to run down the hall screaming. Every patient she had seen today asked her the exact same thing…quite tiring really.
"You know…you look like you could use a doctor yourself," the woman had dropped her spite and taken on a grandmotherly tone…a cranky grandmother but a grandmother none the less.
This took Neela by surprise; she had thought that she looked quite well today, or at least better. She had even brushed her hair; make-up however, was another story. Self consciously she tugged at the bottom of her shirt, straightening it. There was nothing wrong with her, she looked fine in her opinion…she felt fine…she was fine.
Thankful when her break finally came round she nearly sprinted to the lounge but immediately turned back as soon as she had opened the door. "Neela?" His voice was concerned. After all she had put him through his voice was still bloody concerned.
Without acknowledging him she continued walking, her heart ripping itself apart as she went.
Ray stood confused not to mention angry. What the hell was wrong with her? It had been nearly a month since she had moved out and at least three since the news of Michael's death had reached her. It was clear she wasn't well. For one thing, she hardly spoke to anyone. Abby had been able to get a few sentences out of her, Sam a couple of words, Pratt a nod, him…nothing. The other thing that had everyone worried was the fact it looked like she hadn't eaten anything in weeks. Her once healthy appearance was gone, now she was looking increasingly like an anorexic patient he had treated a few days ago.
"Abby?" he called out to her as she walked by.
"I'm busy at the moment," she responded without even sparing him a glance.
He plowed on, "Has Neela been eating at all?"
"I make sure that she has something…even when I have to use force," sighing she put down her chart.
He knew what she meant…
"Hey." Neela didn't respond but kept her head on the table. "Have you had dinner yet?" A slight shake of her head, at least she had actually acknowledged him in some way. "Do you want me to make you something?" Another shake. "Oh come on, my cooking isn't that bad…" Nothing.
Using his superior cooking skills he had managed to make her a bowl of soup, setting it in front of her. She didn't move and he stood frustrated, "Neela, look…you need to eat something. Starving yourself isn't going to make him come back and it sure as hell isn't going to make the pain go away."
"I'm not starving myself…" she mumbled.
"Then eat, I'm not leaving until you do and I have a gig in about an hour."
"I'm not hungry and I know you won't miss your stupid gig," her empty eyes found his, "You should probably be getting ready."
His fist slammed down on the table, taking both of them by surprise but he didn't stop. "You're more important than my 'stupid gig.' I'm not going to watch you starve yourself to death and I'm not leaving until you eat something!" Calmly he sat down across from her.
"I'm not hungry! Why can't you understand that!"
"I don't give a damn whether you're hungry or not, but you need to eat something Neela!" Perhaps yelling at her wasn't the best way to go about things but nothing else seemed to be getting through her head.
Pushing back her chair she stood up grabbing the bowl, flinging it at him. Ducking he winced as he heard it shatter, soup everywhere. Neela was shaking uncontrollably but not from anger, she looked around in astonishment. "I…I…" tears started to run down her hollow cheeks and she turned, fleeing to her room, slamming the door.
Needless to say he had missed his gig and after two hours of coaxing and tears had managed to get her to eat something.
"You know Ray; I really think you need to talk to her. There's something else bothering her, not just…not just Michael. She's strong enough to have gotten over that…but something won't let her."
"She won't talk to me, let alone come near me."
"If someone doesn't find out what's really bothering her soon…" Abby trailed off, not able to bear the thought of Neela becoming worse than she already was.
"I want to help her," he said softly.
"I know you do, we all do, but I think you're the only one who can."
The rest of her day passed in a dizzy blur, people shouting orders at her, bloodied patients, hysterical children. It was all a definite change from her slow day earlier and a welcomed one at that. It allowed her to become detached from reality, flying into her work with a passion. Working was her escape.
When her shift was over she didn't want to go home, not yet, she didn't want to go back to the realities of her own life. She would rather watch the pain of others than feel her own…what had happened to her? If only she hadn't written that stupid letter when she did…if only it had never reached him…there were so many things that she could have done differently …then she wouldn't feel like this…she wouldn't have single handedly destroyed her own life.
That night sleep came swiftly to her, it always did. One would think that she wouldn't have been able to sleep at all, but she welcomed it, sleep meant she didn't have to think…and in a way she wished that she could sleep forever. But that wouldn't do now, would it.
The next day passed much as the day before had…and the day before…and the day before. Avoiding people…especially Ray. It was hard, it was very hard, that was why she couldn't talk to him, she knew if she did than she would give in and she couldn't. She wanted more than anything to run to him, tell him everything, and for him to hold her and tell her it wasn't her fault. But she couldn't, she wouldn't let herself…she deserved this…didn't she?
This wasn't exactly how she had planned for things to go, for her life to turn out. This wasn't what she wanted. She hated it…hated everything about it…hated what she had done…hated what she had caused…hated the many people she had hurt…hated the fact that she was the cause of her own pain. She had never hated anything before, not really, not until now. Most of all, she hated the fact that everyone kept asking her if she was feeling well when she was perfectly fine.
"Hey Neela, feeling okay?" Pratt was standing in front of her blocking her path.
"I would be if you got out of my way…" she mumbled under her breath. Plastering a fake smile on her face she looked up at him, "Just excellent." Before he could say more she skirted around him.
"You sure?"
This time she didn't even bothering calling out a response, she just nodded.
He found her leaning up against a wall, just standing there as if she would collapse if the wall wasn't supporting her. It scared the hell out of him seeing her like this. "Hey," he watched her closely. Her eyes flicked towards him but she didn't make her normal effort to bolt. That was a good start. "Listen…" how was he going to bring this up without her biting his head off? "I know that uh…you've been avoiding me so I'm assuming you really don't want to talk to me…but you know that if something's bothering you I'm always here to help."
"Nothing's bothering me," she snapped.
"Neela, there's something wrong with you and I think you need to face it."
"What is wrong with everyone around here, I'm perfectly fine!" she stood unsteadily and he grabbed her arm.
"Perfectly fine?" he smirked at her grimly, "Yeah, you look really great Neela."
"Let go," she tried to yank her arm away but he had tightened his grip.
"Make me."
Glaring at him she tried to pull free but he grabbed her other arm. "Ray, let go!"
"Go on, make me," a frown had formed on his face.
She attempted to push him away but it didn't work, she could barely move with him holding her like that. "Get off of me!" Struggling she tried to wrench an arm free but found that she couldn't couldn't. Tears had begun to form and she blinked them back. Suddenly he let go and she stumbled backwards. He reached out to help her and her attempt to brush him away failed as he caught her gently.
He was looking at her she knew, but her eyes remained focused on the floor. "Neela…" his voice was soft and for a moment she wanted to allow him in but she hardened herself again.
"Bloody hell Ray, just leave me alone!"
"Look at me," he commanded but she ignored him. He reached out and turned her face towards his.
His mouth was fixed in a worried frown and his eyes were searching hers. This was what she was afraid of, the searching…but she wouldn't give in. "Before if I had grabbed you like that you would have kicked my ass, look at you now..." He sighed, "You couldn't even pull away…"
"If I had really wanted to I could," she muttered sulkily.
"Really? For some reason I highly doubt that."
"Just leave me alone! All I want is for people to leave me alone. I have to get back to work," she yanked herself away from him and this time he let her. If he had made any impression on her at all she didn't show it.
The fact that she honestly couldn't tell that anything was wrong with her was going to be a problem. He needed to get her to see that she was falling apart, bring her back to reality. His hold on her hadn't even been that strong, a five year old could have gotten away but to her they had been vice-like. Before he had let her avoid him but it was time for him to change that.
Eh…chapter's shorter than I wanted it to be but that's ok. I already have the next chapter planed out so hopefully I'll be able to update soon, let me know what you think. Purple/blue button calls to you, press it I say, press it and review…you can not resist, mwaha—er…yeah :D