All righty, finally getting this next chapter out, go me. The way this chapter is written may seem a little confusing and choppy, I was trying to convey Neela's mixed up mind but I'm not sure how well that came through.

Disclaimer: Don't own ER or anything about it…that definitely would not be me.

"Don't leave me…" She was aware that she said it, but somehow it seemed disconnected…as if it weren't really her. Ray was saying something, but she couldn't understand it…she didn't want to…not right now.

The surface was so close, she could sense it, just a little more and she would break it and then it was back to the real world. No, she wasn't ready to go back. It felt as if she was floating, suspended, no worries…she liked it. In fact…she could stay there forever, why shouldn't she? It was easier this way…so much easier. Once she broke the surface she would be back gasping for breath amidst the fragments of her life. This was better; she liked it where she was.

Warm arms were surrounding her, holding her, keeping her there. As long as they remained she knew it was okay…that she could stay in this place…because eventually he would be there to draw her back when she was ready.

What if he leaves you too?

Of course he wouldn't…

Michael left…

Yes, he had left…but her feelings about him had been so…confusing…

He's gone forever…and it's your fault…

She hadn't meant it…she hadn't…

Dear Michael…no…Hi Michael…hmm…no…Michael? Definitely not…Dear Michael…

Not now…

Dear Michael,

I don't know how to begin this; in fact I'm not quite sure how to say any of this…

Oh God, why did she have to send it to him then?

I'm not going to write as I normally do and pretend that everything is as it were before, no matter how much I wish it were so. The truth is Michael, I believed that I…

No…if only she had waited to say it…or told him some other way…

loved you. Admittedly I was confused; I wasn't sure where we stood. As we continued to write back and forth I built up an image of you, a wonderful image of you. I clung to it, hoping and praying that you would come back. I waited for you, pushing others away…

It was the truth wasn't it? Ray had told her that once…that she was pushing people away…

The image I had of you was always there, always so close…and I knew you would come back to me. I wasn't sure what exactly would happen, but I knew that I had to wait for you. Then you did come back…

What had she done? Why had she done it? Surely she had loved him?

and we had a wonderful time together. Everything that I had dreamed of became tangible; the thing was…I realized that I had built you up in my mind. Please, don't take it the wrong way. You're a great man, you truly are, and I thought that I loved you.

In her mind she had…and her heart had followed blindly…

Only, what I loved wasn't really you. I loved the man in the letters, what I had made him to be…if that makes any sense at all. After you left, something made me realize that while I care for you I can't love you Michael, because in truth, I love someone else. I'm sorry, truly I am. You have to understand, I need someone real and I found him without even meaning too.

Ray…

It wouldn't be fair to either of you if I kept writing letters to you without letting you know the truth. So there it is, as I said before…I still care for you…I hope you understand.

Yours truly? No…sincerely? Maybe…why not…she was sincere wasn't she?

Sincerely,

Neela

All right, she wanted to wake up now…but that wouldn't make it go away. Reliving it yet again hadn't been so bad; her letter had been thoughtful enough. She had tried to make it as painless as possible. It had been his turn to write her though; if she had waited a few more days she could have written a different letter…one that would have explained it in a completely different manner. If she had waited though…would she really have written something like that at all? Or would she have kept on pretending?

Maybe it was a good thing…it was the right thing…wasn't it?

But it hurt him…he died…

Was that really your fault?

His letter…

If he really loved you…wouldn't he want you to be happy?

Yes…no…don't know…

Not your fault…

It was…it was…if he hadn't gotten it…

It wouldn't have changed anything…he still would have died…

But he would have felt loved…

The love wouldn't have been real…

He wouldn't have known…he would have been comforted…

You would have known…and what about the person you really love?

It wouldn't have mattered if I had known…

You wouldn't be free to love Ray…

Ray…I'm not free to love him now…

You could be…

Michael…

Is dead…

My fault…

No…

No…

It wasn't her fault…it wasn't. There was someone there who loved her now, who was hurting now, and she could change that. She couldn't change the fact that Michael had died, couldn't change the fact that she had written the letter, but she could change her sadness, she could change Ray's sadness and hurt that she had caused, she could fix it…with Ray's help she could fix it.

Her life had been ruined by her own hands, she had thought it was impossible to put back together. It wasn't, it could be repaired if that was what she wanted and she did want it. She wanted her life back. The pain she had caused could be changed; maybe not Michael's but the others. What she had written had been the truth, had been her true feelings…it was simply how it was. If she could change it she would…or maybe she wouldn't…but it had happened none the less.

The time to break the surface had come, she knew it. Wait…

"Ray?" It was a male's voice...Kovac

"What can we do?"

"Nothing, there aren't any treatments. Physically there's nothing wrong with her."

"Mentally she's pretty much broken." Not anymore.

"That's a whole different story, there's always counseling."

"If she wakes up that is," his grip on her loosened as he began to set her down.

Don't leave me!

"I'm convinced that she's trying to…lose herself in a way. You know, run away from it all." She had been…but she was ready to stop running.

Her muscles didn't seem to want to cooperate, but she couldn't let Ray leave her. If he did she wouldn't be able to escape from where she was. Slowly she managed to reach over to where she could feel Ray's warmth. Her hand shifted along the bed until it bumped into something. He grabbed her hand unconsciously and she squeezed it lightly, his grip tightened and he seemed to tense.

"Neela?"

Slowly her eyes opened, squinting against the light. A tentative smile was forming on his face and she felt the tears running down her own. Once again she was crying, but this time she didn't care…it was time to set things right.

Why was Neela so upset by Michael's letter? You'll see, -evil laughter-

Please review and let me know what you think!