School has now started so I don't know how often I'll be able to update due to my crazy schedules…ballet plus school plus senior project equals zero free time… :-( In fact I should be working on a letter of intent but I really really wanted to update as I'm in love with my own fic :D

Disclaimer: I don't own ER…or the characters…or anything about it…-sigh-

Cautiously Neela pulled herself into a sitting position, ignoring Ray's insistent protests that she shouldn't. While she still felt a little dizzy, it was now safe for her to say that she really was fine.

"I want to come home…" her voice was so soft that Ray had to lean in to hear her.

"They couldn't find anything wrong with you so you'll be out soon," he put an arm around her sympathetically and looked at Kovac who nodded in assent.

Neela drew her knees into her chest and started to pick at the edge of the blanket…that hadn't exactly been what she had meant. Noticing her disappointed expression Ray ran her words through his head a second time, "What?"

"I want to come home Ray," this time she managed to say it slightly louder. He stared at her for a moment.

"Come home as in…back to the apartment?" he tried to keep his voice steady, he didn't want to get his hopes up.

"I mean…I know that you probably don't want me too, I'm obviously a wreck and after how I treated you I wouldn't really expect you to want me back and I'd understand it completely if—"

"Yes," this time he didn't bother to conceal his eagerness, "Of course you can come back."

Neither of them noticed Kovac slip out the door, a smile playing on his lips. Neela and Ray…who would have thought?

"There is one condition though," Ray said with a completely serious expression, "you have to wash all the dishes from now on."

"RAY!" she pulled away from him and he laughed.

"Only if you dry, you have to do you're share too Barnett."

It seemed that the old Neela really was making a coming back, "Deal."

Stretching out on the couch Neela smiled happily, the first time in months, all of her things had finally been moved back in. One piece of her life had been put back into place, now it was time to fix the rest of it. She was nervous of course, nervous about showing Ray the letters. Michael may not have wanted someone, especially Ray, reading them…but Michael was gone...and she needed Ray's support.

She heard the door open and for a moment she felt ecstatic, knowing that it was Ray, knowing that she was back where she belonged. "Ray?"

"Something wrong?" he asked immediately, after what had happened he found himself always assuming the worst.

Maybe… "No, I erm…can I show you something?" Now was the time, before she lost the little courage that she had managed to scrape together.

He looked apprehensive and she felt slightly guilty, how much had she put him through? But he nodded and sat down when she motioned for him to. Quickly she made her way into her room and pulled open a desk drawer, rifling through it slightly frantically she finally drew out three folded letters wrapped with a red rubber band. Shuddering involuntarily she slowly walked back to where Ray was waiting. These three letters…the cause of all her misery.

"Here," she shoved them at him offering no explanation. He looked at her thoroughly confused.

"The…the first one I wrote…it was my rough draft…the second two are Michael's…one is before he got my letter…the other is after…" Turning away she bit her lip, she couldn't watch him read them….she didn't want to see his reaction.

The first letter of Michael's she had received a few days after she had sent her own, she knew that hers wouldn't have had time to reach him…she could still remember what it had said…

Dear Neela,

It was hard for me to leave, I didn't want to say good bye to you again. The short time we spent together was…amazing. It made me realize just how much I missed you, but that wasn't the most important thing I realized. I realized that I loved you, I do love you Neela. You're the only thing that keeps me going over here, knowing that I have something to return to. When things get tough I just think of you and I make myself go on. You're always in my mind, and every day it makes me smile knowing that I have someone to love. I know that I'm needed over here but it hurts to know that I'm so far away from you. I promise I'll never leave you Neela. Everyday I face death but everyday I shoot it down, I'm not ready to die. I work on dying men who clutch pictures of their girlfriends, wives, families, and I don't want to end up like them. I don't want to lay there like them knowing that I'll never get to see the one I love again…knowing that I'll cause this pain. For you Neela, I'll keep going.

Love,

Michael

Her shaking hand connected with the back of the couch and she steadied herself. Even though he was gone and she knew it wasn't her fault now…she couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly sad. He had been a good man…but she couldn't love him…and she couldn't pretend.

The next letter had been even more heart wrenching…

Neela,

Another man? Another man so soon after I left? I can't believe I confessed my love to you as I did. My world's gone, what I was living for is gone, there's no reason for me to cling so strongly to life. No reason for me to live. This is it Neela…there's no need for us to write each other anymore. Good bye.

Michael

After she had read it she knew that he was going to die, she could feel it. Men died in war all the time…but after she had read that it had seemed like it was all her fault. Whether Michael meant it to or not that's how it had made her feel.

The call had come a few weeks after the letter had been sent. Pratt had received it, and immediately found her knowing that she would want the news…not knowing what had happened between herself and Michael.

"Neela…" his voice was chocked and his eyes blood shot. She knew before he opened his mouth again. "Michael…Michael…he…Michael's dead…"

From what she could understand, Michael had gone out to try to bring someone back…they had told him not to…it would be suicide…but he had gone anyways…and Neela knew why, the military had deemed it to be an act of heroism, but she knew the truth. Now though, now she knew whatever had happened hadn't been her fault. Michael had made his own decision…and she supposed that if he had truly loved her as he said…he would have respected hers.

"Neela?" Ray had twisted around so he could look at her properly and she looked down at him. His expression was unreadable.

Inside he was angry at what Michael had written, knowing that it made it seem like his death was her fault…but he couldn't be angry at a dead man…well…maybe he could….but not in front of Neela, not when she needed his help. He also found himself angry at whoever Neela was referring to in the first letter, the other man she loved. Ray knew that Neela needed him and that to her he was a good friend…they had even kissed once…but apparently she thought of him as a friend and a friend only…damn whoever that other guy was.

Seeing that she was still clutching the couch as if her life depended on it he stood up and grabbed her around the waist. Natural instinct took over and she placed her arms around his neck and he managed to lift her over the couch so that she was sitting on it. He sat across from her on the coffee table and grabbed her face, forcing her to look him in the eyes.

"Listen to me, I've watched you slowly fall apart and I'll admit that I thought you being stupid because I couldn't understand why you of all people would let that happen…but now I know…and I wish that you had let me in on it a little earlier. I'm glad you have now…" She attempted to look away from him but what he had to say next he knew was important and he had to make sure she understood it completely. "It wasn't your fault Neela, whatever he said it wasn't your fault."

She reached up and brushed away his hands, at the same time trying to wipe the tears away that were now falling heavily. Her shoulders shook, "I had to tell him, didn't I? But I didn't think he'd quite react that way…I didn't think he'd go off and get himself killed."

Here it was, she was finally voicing her feelings that she had let her away like a disease. Ray only hoped that he would be able to cure it once and for all. "It was the right thing to do. I know that I would want to know the truth…I wouldn't want to think that I was in love with someone who loved me back only to find it wasn't true."

"But it killed him…" her voice broke and she rocked back and forth. He pulled her hands away from her face.

"No it didn't, you have to trust me on that one. Michael may have written those things but I'm sure that he understood. Trust me Neela, it wasn't your fault."

Neela wanted to trust him, she wanted to trust him more than anything…but how could he be so certain. How could he know that Michael had really understood…especially after that letter he had just read. Michael had made it clear that she had killed his desire to live. Right?

Ray gripped her hand harder bringing her back to reality; his eyes were piercing straight through her. "Neela, you've got to let me help you now, you've got to listen to me." Nodding she tried to focus on him as he went on, "Yes Michael basically said that he didn't want to live because you broke his heart but here's the thing…if he had truly loved you as much as he said…he would have understood…he probably wrote that when he was still mad at you, it's only natural…but it was his own decision Neela, you didn't force him to do anything…it wasn't your fault."

At long last she nodded, "It wasn't my fault…" she murmered.

"No, it wasn't," Ray agreed. He reached out and wiped her tears away, the past few months he would have done anything to steal her pain away…but she had resisted…finally though…finally she had let him in. "You okay now?"

She nodded slowly, "I think so…I think I'm finally okay."

"Come here," he pulled her into a hug and held her for a long time. Stroking her hair, comforting her, letting her know that he was there for her, had always been there for her, and would always be there for her.

After a few minutes has passed Neela forced herself to pull back, there was one thing left she needed to do. "What should I do with these?" She picked up the letters where they lay abandoned on the table. "I can't keep them…I simply can't. They…Michael…" she stopped before she started crying again. She had mourned enough.

"You could bury them," he ventured.

That wouldn't do…they would still be there somewhere…albeit underground, but still… "I think…I think I'll burn them…" It would be a proper send off.

"All right then, are you sure?"

She was sure all right. In fact…she ran to her room and pulled all the other letters he had written. If she burned them all then it would finally mean that it was over and finished, something she desperately wanted. Grabbing a pen and paper as well she returned to find Ray in the kitchen, letters set next to the sink with his lighter resting on top of them.

"One more thing…" she sat down and he looked at her questionably. "You can read it." She needed him to read it, to witness the end. He came to stand behind her and she began to write.

Dear Michael,

I know that you'll never receive this letter; you'll never be able to receive any letter again…and I know now that it's not my fault. I truly am sorry, I'm sorry that I couldn't love you, I'm sorry that you took it that way, and I'm sorry that you are no longer here. God Michael…a small part of me still expects you to come back…a small part of me still expects to find a letter waiting for me with your handwriting…but I know it won't happen. I know that it's over. So Michael, I suppose that this really is good bye. Know that I still cared about you…know that you saved countless lives…know that you died a good man…and most importantly…know that you will be missed.

Neela

It was a bit strange she knew, writing a letter to someone who was no longer living…but it had to be done…she knew it was the right thing. Putting the letter with the others letters she handed them to Ray. Silently he held them over the sink; she flicked the lighter and watched as the flames licked the paper hungrily until they engulfed them. Soon only ashes remained, turning on the water she watched as the mess swirled down the drain…it was over…at long last it was over. Her life could be whole again.

So what did you think? I could end it here I suppose but I won't…because sadly everything's not over for Neela…and her and Ray haven't gotten together yet, can't have that now can we?

I know that Michael probably would have understood but for the purposes of my story he had to write that, I tried to make it as probable as I could though…hope it worked.

Please Review!