Disclaimer: We don't own the bible. No, seriously, I don't have it, nor have I ever read it. We don't own Adam and Eve. And we'd just like to say; we do not hate anyone who believes in god, we respect your opinions, now here is ours and we ask you to respect it as we do yours. Thank you. Enjoy the story. And flamers welcome, I could use a good laugh.
The Sac Religious Bible
Adam and Eve: The Beginning
One day, God was all bored and junk. "Sigh, Heaven is so lonely…. I think I'll make more random creatures or something…." So, after God finished his breakfast of a smiley face pancake, he set to work on his new design for the creature.
"Judith!" He calls for his secretary, "Don't disturb me while I'm in my lab!" Judith who was a piece of random cardboard that God had experimented with making said nothing for she was cardboard and cardboard people are usually not morning people and so they are very grouchy.
In God's lab there were all sorts of buttons and levers that would drive a 2-year-old wild. When God entered his lab (a.k.a. the toddler play room), he took off all his clothes. I've always done better work in the nude… Once God was stark naked and displaying a rather small penis, he set to work.
He got out his "One Hundred and One Recipes with Genes" cook book and began flipping through the pages, occasionally muttering "No, no, that won't do…". A few days later, God screamed "This one! I'm building THIS one!"
He frantically ran around collecting sugars and phosphorus and bases for the DNA. "Let's see here…I need a bunch of those, not a lot of those, some of that, a hell of a lot of that stuff…" He rambled on and on. While he was rambling and gathering, he forgot one of the ingredients; intelligence. Well, he didn't really forget, but he figured if he didn't have it, they wouldn't need it.
Once he assembled one cell, he made it divide over and over again until he had 60 trillion of them. Then he made them specialize. Soon he had a human. A human male because he didn't feel like finding the rest of the genes for the other part of the X Chromosome so he just left it as a Y Chromosome. God raised the Human who became known as Adam because God just randomly picked letters out of the alphabet.
Once he was an adult, God sent him to earth but not before throwing him a big Going Away Party. Judith and God got drunk and wound up in bed. Adam, who witnessed the whole thing, was mortally scarred for life.
When Adam got to Earth, he poked a snake and got bitten. He died from the poison and was sent back up to heaven. God yelled at him and sent him back to Earth.
"But, Father, I am most bored down here on Earth. Can you not give me something to keep me company other than the serpents and the lions? They don't approve of me fooling with them." Adam begged. God gathered more ingredients for another human. "God, I will be an old man by the time that female has grown." So God used his almighty powers to make the female grow into a large-breasted woman that Adam liked a lot. "THANK YOU, GOD! You truly are the greatest!"
Before Adam and Eve got to do anything, God told them a couple of rules. "I will give you most of what you want. But no sex and no eating off of that fruit tree. Those are the only two things you may not do." Adam and Eve sighed.
"Why not, my father?" Adam asked. God told Adam that the tree was forbidden for experimental reasons. "No, father. I mean why no sex?" God told Adam it would interfere with everything and they can't have kids because he would want to see if the kid would be a sinner or not.
A few days passed. Adam and Eve happily skipped in the fields and smelled the flowers. They discovered something called allergies and found out they're God's joke he plays on humans. But they forgave him because he's awesome.
One day, the snake that had bit Adam slithered up to Eve. "'Sup?" He said.
"Same old, same old." Eve replied. The snake nodded.
"Coo', coo'." He said. "Now, I'm hear to tell you how delicious those apples are on that tree over there."
Eve looked at him. He was small and green. She was reminded of Adam's penis when she studied him. "What does it taste like? I hope it tastes better than Adam's cum…" She gagged at the though of Adam's cum…it tasted horrible. But he would tickle her feet (she had an odd foot tickling fetish…don't ask) so she had to give him oral.
The snake looked at her, disgusted, for a few seconds then spoke. "Um, it does…it's the sweetest, juiciest fruit in the world. The WHOLE world! Wouldn't you just love to be the first person who ever tasted it?"
"…No." She said then walked away. She remembered what God had said about the fruit. There must be a reason he doesn't want me to eat from that tree…. She thought.
"Suit yourself." The snake slithered away, leaving the spot where they talked empty except for the two dogs that were shagging in the bushes to the right of where they were.
The next day the serpent again went up to Eve and told her, "I just had some of that fruit. It was soooooo gooooood. Don't you want some? It melts in your mouth." Eve shook her head.
"My Holy Father says anything that melts in your mouth is evil." Eve said. The snake raised its eyebrows (yes it has eyebrows because it can have eyebrows).
"How can such goodness be evil? Besides, is he not the one that gave you allergies?" The snake said.
"Well yes… But he is most awesome."
"Is he not the one that made Adam's cum taste really bad?"
She thought about that for a moment. "No, I think it's just because of Adam's STD's." She finally said.
"Um…I didn't need to hear that…." The snake said.
"Sorry." Eve said. "Well, I must be off now, Adam will want to tickle my feet so I will give him a blow job." She walked away; leaving the snake all disgusted.
When she got back to Adam and he tickled her feet, she gave him a blow job and then vomited because his cum was just so very horrid. After that, she took a bath in the river and ate beans.
A third day, the serpent came back. "Hello again!" It greeted. Eve turned her back to it. "Oh come on!"
"I shan't give in to your temptation. I'd sin." Eve said. "And that's not good."
"A'ight. If you eat from the damn tree I'll leave you alone." The snake bribed. "If you don't, I'll come back everyday put curses upon your fiendish head."
"Not my head! Not my fiendish head!" Eve shouted. "Okay, okay, I'll eat the fruit of the damned." The serpent and Eve made their way over to the forbidden tree. Eve picked one fruit and licked it slowly. "This is delicious!" She licked it faster and faster. "This is better than having sex! And it's almost like sex too!" She bit into it as Adam came over.
"I heard sex!" He yelled.
"Try this fruit! It's better than sex!" Eve threw a fruit at Adam.
"NEVER!" Adam said. "Nothing's better than sex!" But he bit into it anyway. "Holy shit! It's like having breast in my mouth and now it's in my stomach!"
Every day they went back and ate the fruit. They soon realized that God didn't do shit because he was too busy trying to seduce Judith so they started to sin some more. They began to have hot, steamy, passionate sex everyday, all day. Soon Eve got pregnant.
"Shit! God damn it, Adam! You got my pregnant! What the hell is wrong with you!" Eve yelled at him.
Adam ran away. Men are just afraid of commitment like that.
As Eve watched him run off into the distance, flailing his arms about and whining, she rubbed her tummy. She felt the baby kick so she punched him back. "That'll teach you to kick your mother!" She told her tummy angrily.
The next day, Adam returned. He had cut both his hands and he was very horny after watching some rhino porn and he needed Eve to have sex with him. Eve was still mad so she refused and he raped her.
Adam popped her amniotic sac and she went into labor right there. Adam was disgusted by it and had to go throw up. Eve struggled through her first birth alone and then smacked Adam upside the head.
Finally, one day God WASN'T seducing his cardboard cut-out so he went down to Earth. When he saw Eve's baby he went into a rage. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO HAVE SEX! I TOLD YOU NOT TO HAVE SEX!" He yelled. Then he saw Adam eating off of the tree. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT OFF OF THAT TREE! I TOLD YOU NOT TO!" Adam hid behind the tree but he ate the fruit.
"My father, forgive us. We have sinned." Eve began. "But father, sex is so wonderful. And the fruit, OH THE FRUIT! The fruit is better than sex!"
"No excuses!" God scolded. "Now as punishment, I sentence you however many years it takes to make five trillion babies!" Eve started to cry because she knew Adam wouldn't be there for her, only during the hot, steamy, sweaty, sticky, passionate sex. "And no sex! Adam, just get the god damn sperm to fertilize Eve's eggs."
"But, God." Adam said. "IS there another way besides sex?" God sighed.
"Yes! But you figure it out, I have an appointment with my secretary." And then God vanished.
Eve walked up to Adam. "Way to go, asshole!"
"I'm the asshole! You're the one who told me to eat the fruit! You damned bitch!" Adam yelled. They started to wrestle which turned into sex. God found out about it and made Adam gay. (A/N: I'm bi so I have nothing against gays, so don't think I'm making fun of them.)
Adam skipped about and made a skirt from some leaves and smeared berry juice on his lips. "Aren't I pretty?" Adam asked Eve.
Eve stared wide-eyed for a few minutes then just walked away. "God…what the hell did you do to him! He's…he's…" She looked over at him having sex with a buck. "Ok, now that's just fucked up."
"Yeah…maybe I should make him straight again…." God said watching Adam thrust the buck even faster. "Although, the deer seems to be enjoying it…"
As soon as God had made Adam straight again, he stopped humping the deer and was disgusted with himself. He began to masturbate because he still had an erection. Then he fingered Eve without washing his hands.
He got her pregnant. "Yay! We found the way! That shouldn't have rhymed!" Eve said, joyfully.
God got impatient of the amount of time it took for Eve to give birth to the babies so he sped up the process. "One baby per day!" God announced. Eve began to cry at this and then she cried even louder when a baby came out of her. Meanwhile, Adam masturbated to get ready for another baby.
Soon there were too many babies for Adam and Eve to take care of. "God…" They pleaded. "Please take away some of these babies. We cannot care for them any longer. And if you can't then care for the fucking things yourself!" So God came down to Earth again.
"No, I will not kill them. No, I will not care for them. What I'll do is make them hate each other and they'll all fight to the death!" God boomed. Adam and Eve looked at each other and then back at God.
"But they're only children… how will they fight?" God smirked with holy evilness and the babies turned into teenagers. Eve's eyes went wide. "How can those boys have bigger penises than Adam! Can I at least have sex with one before they kill each other?" Eve asked. God shook his head and disappeared into heaven again. Eve took one of the young men and had sex with him anyway while the others fought to the death. Then Adam snuck into the woods and it became a threesome.
After the threesome, Eve birthed twins. Those twins hated everyone except Adam and Eve so they fought with people and died. Soon, they only had 5 kids left. They were all kept in separate, but equal cages. Adam and Eve had more kids and they allowed some of them to kill each other because they just couldn't make that many cages and all have them be equal. Plus, the college costs would be phenomenal.
One day, Adam discovered one of his daughters having sex with one of his sons. He watched them for a while and commented on how they were doing it wrong and that it isn't supposed to go up her ass. They told him to go away in a rude way, using their hands because they couldn't use their mouths because they were too busy doing the 69 position.
After Eve's 5 trillionth child, her uterus fell out of her body. It was rather painful and Adam threw up again. Adam looked at her uterus and was able to see the imprints of where his penis hit all those times they had sex. It was so detailed it was like a mould of his penis…he was disturbed. Maybe we did it a little bit too much… He thought.