The Fellowship of the Fanfic Writers!
by Odeena Skywalker (alias Anne Shard)
Chapter 16: Haldir's bad hair day
To say that I wanted revenge on Haldir for his more-than-annoying story would have been an understatement. Haldir had a nasty habit of making fun of everyone else all the time. I'd sworn I'd get back at him for everything more than once; now, it was finally payback time.
"Why are you smirking like that...?"
I looked up from my clipboard and found myself staring into the questioning eyes of my would-be boyfriend (or elf-friend, if you will), Legolas. "Take a wild guess, elf", I answered with my best impression of a psychotic grin.
"Poor thing", Boromir cut in. "Are you really going to make him suffer thatbad?"
"Well, if you mean 'bad', as in getting hit by an asteroid, zapped by a spaceship piloted by a green chick from outer space, trampled by a pack of raging elephants and devoured by the Nazi Hamsters of doom, you're still a parsec away from what I'm about to write."
A series of chuckles and giggles followed. Haldir shrug his shoulders in his characteristic 'I-don't-care' manner. I stuck my tongue out at him - an act which caused a few sniggers here and there - then resumed my writing, and silence descended once more.
As I was half-way through the last phrase, a random thought started to poke at my mind. I touched Legolas' arm lightly. "Um... Legolas? Can I ask you something?"
The elf blinkied at me in surprise for several seconds before nodding his head slowly. He had all reasons to be puzzled. Usually, I didn't call him by his name, but by some silly nickname, like 'elf', 'dandy', or anything of the sort.
"Who was the dark maiden from Rivendell that Haldir was talking about?"
I could tell he hadn't expected that. "You just had to remind me about it, didn't you?" he sighed, shaking his head.
"Blame it on the elf", I answered with a shrug. "Well... the other elf, anyway. Who was she?"
"You don't want to know", he answered. "Believe me. You don't."
"Was it Arwen?"
He made a face. "Do you think me that dumb?"
"Well, you tell me."
"No."
"Was it Arwen's sister?"
"No."
"Arwen's cousin? Second cousin? Best friend?"
"For the last time, I won't tell. Now will you please--"
"I'll force you to go out with my little sister if you don't tell me..."
He flinched. "Would you really have the heart to do that to me...?" he asked miserably.
"Yup. Besides, the whole thing was probably a few hundred years ago, so what difference does it make?"
"Actually, it was a lot more recent", Haldir cut in. "As in, about a month or so... Or was it two months?" He frowned in mock concentration. "But, as you said, it doesn't make any difference, since--"
"Shut up!" It was one of the rare times that Legolas was actually furious at someone. "Look", he continued, leaning closer to me and lowering his voice, "if you really want to know about it, it was Arwen, but it meant absolutely nothing. In fact, I wouldn't have even thought of it if it hadn't been for Haldir and his dumb bet..." He glared at Haldir menacingly, and then he leaned even closer. "Make him suffer", he whispered. "Please. Do it for me."
I nodded my head and winked. "All right, elf", I answered. "But just so you know... I'm disappointed. I thought you'd have better tastes than that."
He made a face. "I saw that coming..."
I shrugged once more before returning to my story. It didn't take long before I raised my hand and shouted, "Done!"
"All right then, you may begin", Faramir said emphatically, wheezing his eyebrows like the former leader of the Fellowship. "And... don't worry about the consequences. I'll be here to defend you if things get messy."
"Aragorn will kick your hide", Haldir said in a superior tone.
"Don't bet on it." Before Haldir could reply, Faramir nodded towards me. "Now, let's hear your story."
"All right then... Here we go."
Haldir of Lorien's Bad Hair Day
To start with a universal fact, everyone knows that elves are extremely preoccupied by the way they look. After all, when you've got a whole eternity ahead of you, you have to make sure you've got good looks, or there's no point in living it at all. Given this fact, can any of you guess which is an elf's greatest fear? I'll give you a number of choices: A - a balrog, B - a legion of blood-thirsty Uruk-Hai, C - Sauron's armies of doom, or D - a bad hair day? All right, time's up! The right answer is -- D - a bad hair day. To demonstrate this answer, let's observe Haldir of Lorien - an average, everyday elf - in such a situation.
Haldir's day starts just like any other one: waking up long before everybody else, he sets off to find whatever remains of junk food the other inhabitants of his house - in this case, the Fellowship of the Ring, Odeena and her two evil sisters - may have beft behind, so he can sate his ever-present hunger. Little did you know, that our elven dandy has a real passion for eating junk food. To compensate, he goes to a fitness club three times a week, but that's another fact that the general audience is not familiar with.
After a quick breakfast, Haldir goes to set up his usual traps and pranks. For those of you who are fortunate enough not to have lived under the same roof with the elf, they consist in toothpaste make-ups (one of his favorite targets is Arwen, who usually wakes up with an artisticly-drawn white moustache), shampoo tubes filled with shoe cream and other things of the sort. Finally, our elf gets ready to attend the morning's most important ritual - the shower.
As you may know, hair is an elf's most precious possession. Each elf has a different type of hair, and therefore must buy his shampoo accordingly. Using adifferent kind of shampoo than the appropriate one can lead to dramatic consequences. So what happens if an elf runs out of his designated shampoo?
This is the very situation that Haldir suddenly finds himself into. At first, he doesn't panic. Slowly, he scans the other shampoo bottles scattered about. Although there are plenty tubes of "Happy Hair", "Mirkwood Breeze" or "Elrond of Rivendell's Magical Formula for Good-Looking Eyebrows (And Hair)", Haldir can't find a single piece of "Arwen's 'Hair Fatale'", which he commonly uses. It is then that Haldir begins to panic. He gets dressed, grabs a random baseball cap to cover his greasy and tangled scalp, and rushes out to find a shop where he can buy a new bottle of shampoo.
As he treks through the streets, Haldir realizes that something is amiss. He takes off his cap and examins it. It is then that he figures he'd been wearing the very same cap that he had filled with mustard earlier that morning. The smell slowly begins to make itself knon, and Haldir makes a grimace. However, with little choice on what to do, he puts his cap back on, praying to whatever gods may be listening that he will find his shampoo soon.
An hour goes by, and, much to his dismay, Haldir can't find "Arwen's 'Hair Fatale'" anywhere. Resigned, he returns home and decides to use "Elrond's Magical Formula etc." this time, and place an order for "Arwen's 'Hair Fatale'" on the Internet later that day. He takes a bottle of the aforementioned shampoo and begins to wash his hair. Big mistake! After a few minutes, he realizes he'd been using the very same shampoo that he had mixed with hairdye a few days ago. As a result, Haldir now has green hair.
After cursing his own stupidity for a few minutes, Haldir puts on a random gown and quietly creeps up to Saruman's room, casually taking out the rubber snake he'd placed in the gown's left sleeve and hanging it on the doorknob of Arwen's door. As it is still early in the morning, Saruman is sleeping peacefully, and so it takes all of our elf's power of conviction to make the white wizard wake up.
In a few words, Haldir explains his already desperate situation, and then asks Saruman to turn his hair back to its regular color. Still sleepy, the wizard nods and mutters a spell. Poof! Haldir now has a beautiful set of purple and red dreadlocks.
Abashed, Saruman apologizes. It seems he used the wrong spell. He tries once more; this time, Haldir ends up with a pretty pink topknot. Saruman has used the wrong spell again.
The third spell seems to have a slightly better effect. Haldir again has dreadlocks, but this time, they are blonde ones. One more spell, and Haldir's hair returns to normal, except for a bright pink lock that falls into his face. Saruman attempts yet another spell, but Haldir holds up his hand. He'd had enough.
Next, our elf asks Saruman to change a random object - for instance, a pink bunny slipper that had somehow ended up in the room - into a bottle of "Arwen's 'Hair Fatale'". After a few unsuccessful tries, which cause the slipper to turn into: a toad, an older issue of 'The Sun', a cigarette, a Gollum plushie and the One Ring - Saruman finally manages to do as he was told. Haldir thanks him and takes his leave. He takes another shower, this time using the right shampoo, and then, deciding he'd had enough excitement for one day, he goes back to bed.
And so ends Haldir of Lorien's bad hair day. Of course, different elves may react differently. However, one central idea remains: a bad hair day is an elf's greatest fear. For those of you who don't believe me, feel free to call Elrond, Legolas, Glorfindel or any other hot elves you know at 1-800-HOTELVESCENTRAL. And... that's that.
The End
I made a few bows to the cheers, and then I sat down next to Legolas. "I hope you've learned your lesson, elf", I asked, glaring at Haldir.
He made a face at me, but didn't answer. The cheers lasted for a few more minutes before Faramir held up his hand. "That was a good one", he said as the others settled down. "And now..."
"Can I read my story?" Merry cut in impatiently.
Aragorn rolled his eyes. "I bet it's about mushrooms..."
"It is! So... can I?"
Faramir grinned. "Sure you can. But first, I say we take a snack break." He grinned. "Who wants to order a pizza?"
Author's Note: I... have no idea what to write / type here. I'm sorta brain dead, since I'd been staying with my grandparents for two days, and so I didn't have any reason to think about anything. My mind is still semi-lethargic (despite the huge amount of Cola I drank in the past hours), so I'll just say that I hope you liked this chapter - and if you did, please review. And now, for the review replies...
Heaven Leigh Casteel The 2nd Well, I hope this chapter answered all your questions about the 'dark maiden from Rivendell'. As for her father... well, you know who that was, too. (grins) Thank you for reviewing!
adele Thank you! Hope you read all the other chapters, and found them just as funny! (wink)
Manwathiel Well, he did suffer :-)) Hope you liked it!
Ciyen Navajo (sigh) I warned you about Eomer and food... Anyway, I recall I went out with Elladan in the woods once, so he could teach me how to shoot a bow. After about ten minutes, we got lost. I guess we both have a terrible sense of direction... and with you, that makes three. (grins) Welcome to the club!
Legolas's Girl 9 Thanks! Well... actually, my hair is a brown-ish blonde (dunno if that makes sense). But, I hate geometry from the bottom of my black little heart .
hornofgondor2 Yup... Hooray for imaginary worlds! And yes, poor elf... but you'll have to admit he deserved it :P
Laer4572 Try calling Boromir for T-shirts at 1-800-BIGBADB (by the way, he changed his number after some crazy stalker began to call him day in and day out).
pestiset I don't know much about Rocky Horror Picture Show, but I came up with the next best / evil thing I could figure... lol.
Kekelina If it comes about embarrassing stories, I'm sure I'd have plenty to tell, so you should consider yourself lucky if you've only got one. Glad you like my story:)