Disclaimer: We still don't own this shit. We don't own Jesus, Mary, or Joseph. We don't WANT to either. Enjoy. Peace.

Sac Religious Bible

The Birth of Jesus: Oh Boy a New King

About 2000 years ago, a woman named Mary was all alive and stuff. She had a lover named Joseph although they never fucked. BUT one night, an angel appeared in Mary's dreams. The angel said, "You get to go through the miracle of birth without the fun before it! Beware the horrible, sick and twisted pain; it's hard to just ignore it." (yes, the angel MUST rhyme). Mary woke up and freaked out.

"Joseph, we're having a baby!" She screamed. "And we didn't even have sex!"

"So? Adam and Eve didn't have sex when they created their last 4, 999, 999, 995 children. They couldn't... It was a sin to have sex." Joseph explained calmly.

"Don't you get it! We never fucked! What's up with that! God, why have you given me your child!" Mary shouted at the ceiling. Joseph looked up too.

"YOU FUCKED MARY, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" He demanded.

"…." God replied. He had begun not to answer the humans and their prayers because he and Judith were on a long relaxing vacation in Hell. They got complimentary acid facials everyday.

Joseph decided to marry Mary because he wanted to be the father of God's son because he thought people would think he is God instead of that his wife was banging God behind his back. Even though he acted like he was all Godly, nasty rumors about Mary and God swept through the town.

To escape the rumors, they moved to Bethlehem. The first night they got there, they still needed to look for a house but Mary's water broke so they needed to find a hotel and since the city of Bethlehem was anti-hospital, they couldn't get Mary any drugs to subdue the pain.

All of the hotels were booked up because it was Christmas Eve and they didn't go to to find a room. A nice man who owned a hotel, but was all booked up, said that they could sleep with the barn animals. They took up his offer because Mary was almost at 10 cm and they needed to find somewhere to stay the night.

So Mary had the baby in a stable, though it was extremely painful for Mary for the baby had ripped her hymen. She woke up all of the people in the hotel with her blood-curdling screams so they all threw body parts at them wrapped in cloth. After the birth, Joseph gathered the cloth and they wrapped the baby in it. "Let's name it..." Mary paused. "What should we name it?"

"That's the most awesome name ever. Even more awesome than God fucking you without me knowing." Joseph declared.

"I've already told you, he didn't! Jeez." Mary slapped Joseph across the face.

"Cheese? THAT'S IT! We'll name the baby Cheezus!"

"No... We'll name him... JEEZUS!" Mary held the baby up in the air to show him off. Yes... ALL OF YOU PEOPLE SPELL HIS NAME WRONG! The angel came down from the heavens drinking a bloody Mary and said to the shepherds that the Son of God had arrived.

"Yeah, and you can find the little whippersnapper in Beth-a-leh-hem. TEEHEE! Ha haaaaaaa. I crack myself up..." The angel started to fly up to heaven again but was taken to jail by the chief angel who enforces the law of 'No drinking and flying'.

When the angle was being brought to jail, the chief angel's lights on the top of his police car were shining and everyone mistook it for a star.

Some not-so-wise wise men saw the "star" and followed it because they were drunk and had no girlfriends to go have sex with. They ended up in Bethlehem and they found the manger with the Son of God in it. They began to pray to him and give him stuff. That night when they slept, they all had dreams telling them not to bring the baby to the king. The king couldn't have children so he wanted to take all the little boys and girls in Bethlehem to call his own.

The king heard about God's son and decided that he MUST own the child. He just had to. So the king put up fliers, promising a reward of a life time supply of condoms (well, I didn't say WHAT he was the king of!)

Eventually, people started coming with fake babies to pose as God's son. When the people thought they were getting their reward from the king, he took them into a room and raped them. Everybody had fake God's sons left the King's place with HIV. The king decided he would find God's son himself because he was sooo tired from transmitting all of that disease.

The king went around asking all of the people of Bethlehem where the Son of God was. Nobody told him although all of them knew. But one person, after meeting Jeezus, hadn't slept that night because of roid rage. He told the king where Jeezus was and then decided to go kill people. A nearby person ran to the manger and told Mary and Joseph about the king.

"Oh no... where shall we hide Jeezus?" Mary asked. Joseph stuffed Jeezus up Mary's shirt (and felt around while he was at it). The king arrived at the manger and asked where Jeezus was, but after seeing Mary and her monumental breasts, he forgot all about Jeezus. After a few more minutes of just staring, the king took a picture and left. "We did it! The king is safe!" Mary exclaimed.