The Fellowship of the Fanfic Writers!
by Odeena Skywalker (alias Anne Shard)
Chapter 17: Of Mushrooms
The next fifteen minutes went on quite uneventfully, save for Gollum's very uninspired attempt to eat his clipboard and Boromir's even more uninspired idea of tackling him down in order to prevent him from doing it. However, things settled down immediately when the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it!" Merry and Pippin shouted in unison as they both bolted for the door. Sam motioned to get up and follow them, but fell back on his set of pillows with a small sigh, and even Frodo's ears seemed to perk up slightly in attention, although he made no other sign of acknowledging what was going on around him.
'He's writing again', Boromir mouthed in my direction after having taken a quick glance over the hobbit's shoulder. I just shrugged.
"I can't believe we're finally going to eat", Eowyn said suddenly. "My stomach was on the verge of starting a riot, you know..."
"Mine too", Elrohir said, beaming towards Eowyn. "But you can have my share, too, if that'll make you happy."
"Hey... Are you two flirting or something?" Boromir cut in. "Because if you are, know that you must ask my permission first. I hereby pronounce myself the Lord of the Flint... err... I mean, the Lord of the Flirt! ...I'm allowed to do that, aren't I?" he added, glancing at Faramir.
"If it makes you happy..." Faramir answered with a grin.
"All right then - as the Lord of the Flirt, I am more than ready to support you, Elrohir of Rivendell, in your brave attempt to--"
"Boromir, shut up", a very annoyed Eowyn cut in. "You're acting like a fifteen-year-old teenager who stumbled upon a dictionary."
The corners of Boromir's mouth dropped slightly. "I - am?"
"You are", Elrohir emphasized, which was quite uncharacteristic for him. "Besides, we weren't flirting. I was simply being courteous - which is one of the elementary virtues which distinguishes gentlemen, be them elves, men or dwarves, from common kin."
"Talk about dictionaries..." Legolas muttered in my ear. "I'm ready to bet Elrohir swallowed a whole rafter of them." I chuckled.
"I wonder what's taking those two so long", Faramir said suddenly, standing up. "They should've brought in the pizzas I ordered by now..." His voice dropped slightly. "I hope they didn't eat them all by themselves..." he said, more to himself.
"I'll go check on them", I said. I haven't realized it, but I was just as hungry as everyone else, and my mouth watered at the simple mention of the word 'pizza'. If those two had ran away with our food, I would personally insure they got hell for it.
As I stepped into the hallway, I heard Merry's voice. Apparently, he was arguing with someone. "I told you, she's not at home", he said, as Pippin backed up with an enthusiastic chorus of 'That's right!' and 'It's true, I tell you!'.
"And where exactly is she?" a voice - a boy's voice, to be more precise - asked. At the sound of that voice, I flinched. I knew who it was.
"I can't tell you!" Merry said stubbornly.
I heaved a little sigh as I stepped up to the door. Sure enough, Paul was standing there. When he saw me, he started a little, and then threw a deadly glare at Merry and Pippin, who had both shrank behind me.
"Well, hello, Paul", I said as cold as I could. "What are you doing here?"
Paul pushed back his glasses - a gesture I knew all too well, which meant that he was nervous in the least - then coughed, and finally spoke, "Well, I brought you your chemistry homework."
"Wow - thanks", I answered unenthusiastically. "But you shouldn't have bothered. You know I don't know how to solve it."
Paul gave a short, nervous laugh. "Yeah, I know that... That's why... I sorta... solved it for you."
"You did, huh." My voice softened a little. "Well, thanks. And now, I suppose you can leave..."
"...Sure. If you need anything from me, just call."
"Uh-huh, I will". Actually, no, I won't. Just go away.
"Well then... bye."
"Bye." And before he could say anything else, I slammed the door and I leaned against it with a sigh. "Will this never end...?" I asked rhetorically, although I knew I was making a scene. But right then, I couldn't care less.
"Is that the infamous Paul?" Pippin asked after a few moments. I nodded.
"He gives me the creeps", Merry confessed in a low voice. "How could you two have ever been together?"
I shrugged, "Dunno. But that's through now. And I swear, if he ever comes back, I'll beat him with a stick. For real." That was a lame threat, and I knew it, but I couldn't have thought of anything better for the moment.
Just as I was preparing to go back inside, there came another knock on the door. Immediately, Merry and Pippin rushed to the living room like there was no tomorrow. I sighed again, then I put on my best 'Go-away-or-die' look. Finally, I opened the door.
"Paul, what in the name of Sauron do you want now?" I practically yelled. Only after I had finished the sentence did it strike me that the the guy who stood in the doorframe was definitely not Paul, but a nice, peaceful delivery boy. "Umm... sorry, I thought you were someone else", I muttered as I did my best try at an innocent smile.
The guy just blinked, then held out a pile of pizza boxes. "That would be--"
I handed him a $50 bill - just about as much as I had in my pocked - then took the pizzas, thanked him and slammed the door shut once again. "That was stupid", I muttered as I resisted a strong urge to bang my head against the wall.
As I entered the living room once again, I was greeted by a chorus of enthusiastic cheers. It took a while to share all the food around - and convince the hobbits that there could be no 'exceptions' or 'extra shares' for gourmands, chefs, ringbearers and mushroom addicts. Then, things got peaceful once again, and everyone settled down to eat.
"I never thought that human food would taste so good", Elrond said at one point.
"Don't talk with your mouth full, dad", Arwen interjected.
"You're doing it too, sweetheart", Boromir observed casually. "And you'll notice, I'm not. Does that make me a better educated person than you?"
"Just go and throw yourself in front of a bus..." Arwen sighed, rolling her eyes. Everyone else sniggered.
Finally, as everyone was done eating, Faramir very ceremoniously sent Gollum to dispatch the empty pizza boxes and used tissues outside, a task which Gollum seemed to be quite happy with. A few minutes after, everyone could hear him munching under the window.
"Well, that's that about him..." Galadriel observed. "At least the bad smell is gone. Honestly, doesn't he ever wash?"
"He does", I answered, tactfully omitting the fact that Gollum had a habit of singing under the shower when he did so. "So - Merry, will to read your story now?" I asked, raising my eyebrows towards Faramir as I spoke.
"Of course, you may proceed as you wish", Faramir said, doing his already perfect impression of Elrond. Everyone broke into fits of giggles once again.
"Good!" Merry said proudly. "All right then - 'ere we go!"
Of Mushrooms
Of my many cousins, Peregrin Took, better known as Pippin - or Pip for short - is my absolute favorite guy. It's not just because of his funny accent, or weird hairstyle, or questionable fashion sense (Pippin let out a sort of offended huff at that). No. The reason I like Pip so much is because of his gruesome appetite for - that's right, you guessed it: mushrooms.
This reminds me of a prank that Samwise Gamgee - or Sam - pulled on him a few years ago. It was near the end of spring. The weather had been quite fast-changing in the past few weeks; one day a cold rain poured down, while the next a bright and warm sun would shine in the cloudless sky. Our gardens were pretty much a gathering of grass and weeds, since it seemed that nothing could sprout in such a climate. However, Sam had manage to bring up - and eventually harvest - a few patches of wild mushrooms. Then, one day, day he called on us to come to his place to enjoy a specially-cooked dinner, featuring every kind of mushroom food imaginable, from mushroom soup to Sam's famous 'Cream and Butter Mushroom Surprise', or CBMS for short.
Needless to say, all three of us ate until we felt that our stomachs would give in from the pressure. Then, we enjoyed some fine wine and lightened our pipes. All was as it should be.
But suddenly, Sam slapped his forehead as though he had remembered something. "Wait a second!" he said, jumping to his feet and literally throwing his chair backwards. "Pippin, which one of the Colored Candy Mushrooms did you eat?" (this was another of Sam's specialties).
"Um... the green one, I s'ppose... What's wrong?"
"The green one?" Sam repeated, as if dumbstruck. "The green one?" he then asked a bit louder. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, there's no doubt to it", Pippin answered with a shrug. "I ate the green one, you took the red one, and Merry got the yellow one and half of the blue one. Why's that?"
Sam blinked a few times, and then he sighed and shook his head. "Oh, no..." he muttered, seemingly to himself. "How could I have forgotten?"
"Forgotten what?" By now, Pippin was getting quite alarmed, although he did his best not to show it. "What is it? For goodness' sake, speak up!"
"The green one was..." Sam took a deep breath, and then all but breathed the word in, "Poison!"
"Poison!" Pippin stood up, his eyes wide. "You mean to tell me you gave me a - a poisoned Colored Candy Mushroom?"
Sam sank to his knees slowly and covered his face. I could see that he was grinning behind his cupped hands, and that reassured me a little. However, Pippin wasn't that observative. "But what in the world was a poisoned Colored Candy Mushroom doing on that plate of all things?"
"I meant to tell you not to touch that one..." By now, Sam was talking as though he were sobbing, although I could tell that they were fits of unstoppable giggles. "I'd made that one for farmer Shimple's dog... You know how I hate that mutt. But you - you reached out and took it before I could say a word, and--" At this point, his giggles cut his words off, and he did his best to pretend that he was crying. I decided to play along and I looked at Pip with a very concerned face. "What's going to happen to him, Sam?"
"Well... he's... he is...he is going to..."
"What? I am going to - what?" Pippin cut in impatiently. He was slightly paler now.
"First... first, your face skin will turn purple, and you will lose your eyebrows and... and nose hair (I nearly broke out laughing at that one, but I bit my tongue and continued to pretend that I was deadly worried). Then, your toenails will begin to grow, and grow, and grow some more..."
"But I'm not going to die from it, am I?" Pip cut in hopefully, although he was positively horrified.
"I'm just getting to that..." Sam said in a wailing voice. "Then, your fingers will stick together, and your hands will become like those of a frog..." He stopped once again and coughed, in order to hide his growing amusement. And Pippin was falling for it wholly! I couldn't believe it.
"It's all right, we can just cut them loose", I said, trying to sound reassuring (and failing miserably).
Pippin looked deeply distressed by now. "Really?" he asked in a small voice. "Can we do that?"
"No!" Sam cut in, raising his voice a little. "If you do... if you cut or hurt yourself in any way... your blood would be like acid and poison... and it would burn your skin away, and its miasma would kill everyone around you! You must not do that! And finally... finally..."
I could tell he ran out of ideas by the way he rubbed his forehead, even though most of his face was still covered by his hands. "Is there no remedy for this?" I asked, trying to give him a hand.
Sam picked up the thread immediately. "Yes, there is... In order to eliminate the effects of the poison, you must - you must find the highest house in the Shire, climb on top of its roof, wait for the sunrise, and then take off your clothes and shout like a rooster ten times in a row. Only then, will you survive."
I bit my tongue so hard I hurt myself. Surely, there was no way Pippin would fall for this--
--was there?
I changed my mind as Pippin bolted through the door, shouting a wild "Thank you, old friend!" along the way. Sam recovered immediately from his simulated grief and ran after him, although he moved considerably slower due to his nature on one hand, and the huge amounts of food he had consumed that night. It wasn't long before he gave up.
"Pip! Come back!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "I was just kidding! Pip? Are you out there?"
There was no reply.
"Maybe he went back home", I said half-heartedly. "There was no way he could have really fallen for that trick..."
"Maybe..." Sam answered, not sounding too convinced himself. "You should be off, too."
"Right..."
We parted, and I returned straight home. I was getting sleepy, and I knew I couldn't do anything with a full stomach. I'd search for Pip the next day.
I don't recall much of what happened afterwards. I know I somehow reached my home, and fell asleep immediately, not bothering to change my clothes or pull the covers aside. At one point, I remember one of my sisters coming in and shaking me gently. "Wake up", she said. "I've just heard the craziest thing..."
"Leave me alone", I muttered, turning around.
"But you have to hear this! They say they found your cousin Peregrin on the roof of old Shimple's farm, and he was half undressed and raving like a lunatic about Samwise Gamgee and poisoned mushroom candy... They took him home and sent him to bed right away, although he kept shouting that he would die if he doesn't sing like a rooster at sunrise..."
I grinned to myself. 'All's well that ends well', I thought. And then, I fell asleep once again.
/ The end /
Needless to say, Merry's story had had all of us on the edge of our seats, pillows or couches, and as soon as he spoke the last words, everyone broke into the usual cheers and appreciations. Pippin, on the other hand, seemed none too happy about this. "You promised you'd never mention that to ANYONE!" he all but sobbed.
"Don't be embarrassed about it..." Haldir cut in. "Happened to me, too, once. There was this guy who was selling potions, and he mistook a deadly poison for a love potion... Thankfully, I never got around to giving it to the woman it was intended for."
"What happened?" Boromir cut in curiously.
"I tripped", Halrid confessed, seemingly embarrassed by the whole story. "The point is, it could happen to anyone, don't you agree?"
"Samwise is evil..." Pippin shot back.
"All right, let's leave it at that then", Faramir cut in with his now typical authority. "Who's next?"
"I'm done..." Sam said, putting up a hand timidly. "And my story won't be about mushrooms..." A fit of giggles came over most of us at that.
"All right then. You're next."
"That's a bright one, boss-boy..." Arwen said, rolling her eyes.
Faramir grinned proudly. "Sure, I bet it is -- wait a second, who are you calling 'boy'?"
"And here they go again..." Legolas sighed dramatically. "Some things never change..."
To Be Continued
Author's Note: Wow... I know that this chapter's been in the works for bloody ages, but in the end, I'm finally happy with the way it came out. Once again, sorry for the long wait. I've been having some issues with real live (which are hopefully through and through now :)) - but I'm back, and I'm here to stay :) And now, for a very important announcement - the lucky Reviewer No. 300 has been decided! Kabuki733701, you will receive either a cameo in one of my fics (you pick), or a custom one-shot 'fic written especially for you! Congratulations! Also, I have a big Thank You to all of you wonderful people who have reviewed this story so far. I love you guys!
...that was the end of my brief Oscar-style Thank You speech :)) On with the review responses...
hornofgondor2 - Thanks! You know, Haldir actually looked quite interesting with green hair... (sniggers)
Kekelina - I know what you mean... That kind of thing happened to me once, I wanted to dye my hair red and because of a stupid hairdressed it ended up blonde... I was totally freaked.
Legolas's Girl 9 - Thanks! I guess I can say I came up with an official catchphrase now... (grins)
Manwathiel - Well, I updated. Not that soon (sorry!), but - I updated nonetheless :) Thanks for reviewing!
Pestiset - Yup, Haldir pretty much learned his lesson now... He'll behave for a while. Or, at least, I hope so... for his sake (evil grin)
adele - Thanks! I hope the fact that this chapter is considerably longer than the others will atone for the fact that I updated after such a long time... (hides head under a paper bag)
Laer4572 - Thank you! (Randomness: I'm still in a braindead phase now... it's 3 AM, and I'm just typing and typing and typing...)
midnitest4rz - It's OK :)
Ciyen Navajo - Okay... (dodges cotton balls) I'm an official member in your club now? Yay! (goes to show off her badge to the rest of the Fellowship)
Kabuki733701 - Domo arigato gozaimasu - for ALL your reviews:)
Orlando's Bloom - (sigh) I didn't give up... Like I said, I had some issues with real life, and I've been through a difficult period (I guess you can call it a late puberty crisis... lol). I really hope that it won't happen again - to take so long to update, that is. Once again, sorry.
Candy Quackenbush - Thanks! Your wish is my command! (bows)
Vywien is me - ...I did :) Thanks for the support!