Disclaimer: Still don't own it. Never have, never will. We get these stories off some kiddie sites and Ki's religion book that she's forced to read. So, we just read it, laugh at it, then type up a deformed version of how we see it. So…peace. Oh, and by the way, we have nothing against blind people, it's just a story, so blind people, if you're reading this, please don't get offended.

Sac Religious Bible

Jesus Cures a Beggar: Look Another Jesus Story

One fine Sunday morning, Jesus was walking around town with some disciples. They saw a blind man trying to look for his house and laughed at him. Jesus walked over to him and spat in the dirt. He tripped the blind man and pushed his face into the mud. He told the blind man that it was not mud, but horse shit that he had pushed him into. The beggar started crying but that didn't make the mud go away.

The blind man stumbled around and he fell into a pool of the Hotel Shiloam. The mud was washed off. Since the mud was holy and religious, stuff that made no sense what so ever happened like the blind man being able to see! All because of some dirty old dirt. Dirt has healing powers you know…well, in religious things it does…. Because they make no sense.

The formerly blind man now knew what everyone was talking about when they said he was ugly and dirty. He looked at his reflection in the pool and was horrified. "What is that MONSTER!" He cried.

"It's you, you flipping dolt!" Someone said.

"Oh…" The formerly blind man said.

"Oh my God! You're supposed to be blind!" The person gasped.

"This dude came and put shit on my eyes. I washed it off and now…I CAN SEE!" The no-longer blind man announced.

"Gasp! Sinner-man!" Another person pointed at the no-longer blind man. He ran into a bakery and spilled red spice all over the floor.

"Hey! My unnamed spice!" The baker smacked the person.

"Sinner-man!" The person said running out of the bakery.

"Cinnamon…CINNAMON!" So the spice was now named, thank GOD for that!

A crowd surrounded the no-longer blind man. "Is that him? The man that can see but shouldn't?"

"No, he just looks like him."

"Nonsense. NO ONE could be as UGLY as him!"

The arguing continued and then The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-The-Blind-Man began to speak.

"People! Give me your attention! I have something to say!" He began.

Someone threw corn on the cob at him but he saw it coming and ducked.

He shot a nasty glare at the person who threw it. "As I was saying…I don't know how or why, but when I got shit on my face and washed it off, my blindness went away! Aren't you all happy for me?"

"No…" Someone said while throwing a carrot at him.

Just then, Jesus and the disciples walked by discussing how everything is inferior to them. "Oh yeah, and that stone over there…DEFINITELY inferior! No doubt about it. Oh and look at that lady bug…"

The blind man recognized his voice and said, "Lookie! It's the man who put shit on my face!"

"Wha…?" Jesus said.

"We'll teach YOU to throw shit!" The angry townspeople cried and began chasing him with torches and pitch forks and hamsters. Jesus ran around and it was a fun chase sequence in which upbeat music played and various clichéd character appeared through doors in a hall of doorways.

At the very end of the chase sequence, two hamsters leapt up and bit Jesus' arms causing him to stop and flail his arms about while squealing like a little piggy being raped.

A near by pig farmer heard him and ran outside. "Oh no! Anna Bell's being raped again!"

The townspeople caught up with Jesus and began to throw tiny pieces of lint at him. "Give it up dude! We got you cornered! Free the shit! Free the shit!" Some people chanted.

"But... I... THAT MONKEY THROWS SHIT!" Jesus pointed to a conveniently placed monkey sitting on a barrel eating the fleas off of the out-of-a-job baker that DIDN'T invent cinnamon.

"Oh... my... GOD! HE'S FUCKING RIGHT! GET THE MONKEY!" The crowd yelled.

"WAIT! I'm pretty sure he's trying to trick us... 3/4 of the group... CHASE THE MONKEY!" An intelligent being ordered. So 3/4 (give or take one and a half of a person) went to chase the monkey.

After a while of chase scenes and hamsters, Jesus used his GODLY powers to get away. The Pharisees went to the no-longer-blindman and asked, "Why the hell can you see again?"

"I already told y'all... but you will not listen." The no-longer-blindman said.

"What?" Asked the Pharisees.

"I don't know where the man came from... but I know that I was once blind and now I CAN SEE!"

"Well..." One Pharisee began. "When a god and his secretary seduce each other veeeerrry much" Another Pharisee punched him in the ribs.

"Exactly! This man MUST have come from God! I mean... who else could have opened a blind man's eyes?" The bland man announced.

"He can't have come from God! He broke the Sabbath! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD man! BAAAAAD!" Someone said.

"Hmm…Let's ask his parents. Who are your parents?" A person asked him.

"Mary, Joseph and God." Jesus Replied. "I'm Jesus."

Mary was found in a dark alley seducing a drunkard and brought to the Town Square before she could lose her virginity. Poor Mary.

"WHAT! What is it NOW!" She screamed. She got odd looks because back then, people just didn't walk around in black tube tops and see-through thongs…they just didn't.

"Is this guy your son?" Some important looking person asked. But really, he wasn't important, he just looked like it.

"Yeah. What has he done now?" She asked.

"Is God his father?" The important looking unimportant person said.

"Yeah."

"Look mommy! It's God's whore!" A little 2 year old said.

"Shh…honey. We don't say whore, we say harlot." The mother reprimanded.

"Yes mommy." The child said.

"Yeah... pfff, right! Haha! We all know that this man, Jesus, is a sinner PRETENDING to be God's son. If he was God's son, he wouldn't wear crappy clothing and he would have been smart enough to use his godly powers right away when we were chasing him." A Pharisee said.

"But... you just said he used godly powers." Mary said, lighting a cigarette.

"Pfff... anybody can do that." They all watched as the monkey vanished, leaving the people and their pitchforks behind. "Is the monkey God's son? Nooooooo."

"We are all God's children!" A little girl said. The unemployed baker picked her up and made her into many delicious muffins for his dinner. Delizioso! Then the people had to speak over the girl's screams.

"NO REALLY! JESUS IS THE SON OF GOD! IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, YOU SHOULD GO ASK MY SON WHERE JESUS CAME FROM!" Mary shouted.

"WE ALREADY DID! WE THREW HIM OUT OF THE SYNAGOG!" A Pharisee yelled back. Jesus overheard this and decided to go meet the man that was once blind.

"Sup?" Jesus said.

"Nothing much, just got my sight for the first time, nothing too big though….You?" The blind man who isn't so blind anymore man said.

"Just being called a sinner by everyone."

"Aww, that's too bad."

"Yeah…"

"…"

"…"

Jesus left and the blind man went to pretend to be blind again so he could look at naked girls.

The blind man that wasn't walked all over the town but couldn't find any naked women anywhere. Then he heard mesmorizing noises coming from a dark ally. He quietly stepped in hearing the loud "mmmmm" noise. He discovered a monkey and a naked woman having oral sex in the far end of the alley. Delighted, he popped some popcorn and sat down to watch. The woman and the monkey knew the man was blind, so they continued for a while. After about two hours and three days, the monkey got too tired and died. The women then walked over to the blind man.

"Whassup hot stuff?" She asked. The no-longer-blind blind man just sat there, staring into space as if he were blind. "If you could see me, you'd want to fuck me." She told him.

"Fucking is a sin." The man stated.

"Then start masturbating... Your cum HAS to be better than God's."

A/N: Ok, we KNOW it's not funny. We also know there is hardly and sex. We're sorry…but the next one will be sex filled.