Disclaimer: We still don't own the bible. Gosh, why don't you believe us the first 3 times we said it!

Sac Religious Bible

Noah's Ark: Hot Steamy Animal Pr0n

"So tell me again why I have to risk my ass sailing for forty days and nights with a bunch of smelly animals." Noah said, standing under a big oak tree talking to God.

"Ugh, because I'm GOING to make it rain for forty days and forty nights! Do you not see?" God explained.

"See what? That you're a drunk? Yes... or maybe it's just that you've spent too many nights with your secretary and now there's no blood left in your head." Noah tapped his foot. "Look, I really don't want to do this."

"You have to. Or all life on the planet will be doomed."

"So?"

"So... look, it's REALLY hard to make that many animals. Hey... I know! You have to bring two of each animal on the ark! Then they can sex each other up and have babies! You too..." God shouted excitedly. A couple people stopped and stared at them.

"Hmm... babies... Not liking it." Noah sighed. "Dayum... babies. I mean... SEX is okay with me. In fact, it's totally fine. But... man... babies. Hmmm."

"All right... I'll make it fair. I'll give you lambskin condoms so there's a 50/50 chance you'll have a baby. If you do, well... hey, it's not my fault."

"Okay..." Noah agreed. So God put his hand in his pocket and felt around for a while until he lifted condoms out of it. He presented them to Noah who took them and cuddled them. So Noah set off to build his ark. No one would give him nails for it so he had to borrow cum from Adam and Eve to glue the wood together. Although it smelled horrible (like vomit mixed with a whale's uterus) he had the ark glued together a day before the rains began. "Now I have to find some animals and sex buddies for them... and me! Teehee..."

Noah skipped off, roping all of the animals he could find and checking their undersides for proof that they were a certain gender. After finding all of the animals and sex buddies for them, he went into town for HIS. He knocked on every door to see every lady but everyone was married. He had just about given up all hope when he came across a woman named Mary.

He liked how Mary looked. Everything about her was….whorish. He liked that in a woman. The way she came up to him…the way her fake orgasm-y voice sounded. He was aroused. It also helped that she was the only one who actually wanted him.

So, he put all the animals on the ark, two by two the animals boarded. First were the lesbian and bisexual animals because they didn't want to be drooled over by the straight guys who were just pigs. Then went the gay animals because the straight animals claimed that if they went on first the gay animals would stare at their asses and run up there and hump the hell our of them (which brings a wonderful image to mind of a zebra humping a giraffe, no?). Then finally the straight animals boarded the ship.

After everyone's tickets were checked and the stow-aways were beaten with metal pipes until they lie in a bloody pulp, the ship departed and everyone was there to wave and scream "bon voyage!" only, they said it in French because everyone knows that "bon voyage" is an English saying. (If you did know that, go shoot yourself and put yourself out of the misery of your stupidity) So, it started raining and the animals were all on the boat except for a few that Noah forgot like the Spotted Flookel-horse and the Spinkle-Floo. Of course, these were only mentioned in "The Bible—Uncut and Raw (We Forgot to Cook it…)". You can pick up a copy of that at B0rd3rs and find out what REALLY happened when God created Earth. And, in the new edition, they even explain how God was formed! Lookie here at this excerpt: "…And it was then, when the Great Nothing met the Also Great Nothing and the fell in love…Soon, the Also Great Nothing had a child; God…"

Anyway, Noah and his whore lied down on the floor of the ark. For a day, they rubbed each other and screamed at the top of their lungs. From some extreme humping, Noah hit his head really hard on the floor. "FUCK!" He shouted. "THAT REALLY HURT…Oh yeah, those animals… they need to eat, don't they?" So he got up and grabbed some hay from the storage room. It was stored next to the Windex and the Mr. Clean! Noah then opened the door to the giraffe pen. He walked in and his feet stuck to the floor. "Oh, man! Don't do that right before I come in here!" The female giraffe licked his chest. It turned him on a wee bit. We walked into the far corner of the pen and put the food down. He backed up into the male giraffe, which grabbed his raggedy loincloth and ripped it off. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick it up. It was then that he saw the giraffe's large penis. "PENIS!" He yelled. There was just something about him that made him yell that… Before Noah knew it, he was having a three some with the giraffes. His penis was in the female's mouth as his mouth was delightfully filled with the male's penis. Then they played tongue tag. He was always the winner. Noah ROCKED at tongue tag! After a while, he looked at himself. He was sweaty and covered with giraffe hair. "Sorry…" He panted. "But I must …feed… the other animals!"

So Noah continued on his way. He walked up to the ant pen and saw that all the ants had escaped. "Damn it…I was looking forward to having some arthropod penis…that shit is hot." He muttered to himself. He decided to find some crabs or something later. The next stop was the pigs. They were mud wrestling. Noah tried to avert his eyes…if he ejaculated again he'd get blue balls…ouch. So he scooped up some mud (while giving the male pig's ass a little squeeze) and rubbed it on his eyes so he couldn't see. He wound up dumping the food overboard instead of in the pigpen. The pigs were very disappointed and hungry so they made their child into bacon and ate him.

"Okay." Noah said walking to another pen of something-or-others. "Food time..." He dropped the hay into the pen. He heard some growls and then a loud roar. "This must be the tiger pen... My mistake." He reached his hand in and grabbed something. A claw swiped him across the face. The mud flew off of his face. He then saw that he was grabbing the tiger's penis. "Oops..." Noah let go and felt somebody tapping on his shoulder. It was Mary. "Hi, Mary!" He greeted.

"You've been cheating on me!" Mary scolded.

Noah frowned. "It turns me on."

"Well, I have to admit…it IS quite exciting watching you do that…" Mary said. "But really, if you're going to have sex don't exclude me! I wanna join in the fun too!" She began to cry.

"Aww, well, how about tomorrow we all have a big orgy? Would you like that, cumcake?" Noah asked her to try to make her stop crying. It was turning him on…it sounded exactly like when she faked an orgasm.

She sniffled a bit, "I want it NOW!" Mary was screaming and sounding like Puka Salt from Willie Wanker and the Condom Factory, which is a movie I highly recommend.

"But cumcake! I can't ejaculate again or I'll get blue balls! Those hurt!" Noah explained.

"I don't care…I'm going to make you ejaculate! Cause, well, it's fun." She said, then started pole dancing on one of the beams that was holding up the upper deck of the ship.

"Must... refrain... from... looking." Noah fought with himself. He turned in the other direction and looked at the floor. There he saw the escaped ants, humping each other. He could almost hear the little tykes scream. "Oh no." Noah mumbled.

"OH YEAH!" Mary shrieked from behind him. Noah ejaculated all over the ants, then got really horny off of the semen. He fell to the floor, cuddling his balls.

"AAAAUGH, MARY, YOU TWIT! NOW I HAVE BLUE BALLS!"

"Let me see..." She moved his hands aside.

"NO! No, don't touch them!" Noah whined.

"I'm not!" Mary replied calmly. "Oh, look... They're not blue at all... They're more of a violet or a purple..."

"Really? I'm color blind so I wouldn't know…" Noah said. He poked his right nut and yelped in pain. He sounded like one of those alley cats that sit on the fences in the cartoons and sing at night, so Mary threw a boot at him. It his him in the groin and he screamed even more.

Mary stifled a giggle. "Sorry….I guess." She said.

Noah just kinda laid there moaning and groaning. It kind of reminded Mary of when they first had sex and he got her STDs.

"You'll have to feed the animals then..." Noah ordered.

"Aw..." Mary sighed. "Well, okay... if it's really such a big deal." Mary went into the storage room and retrieved some steaks.

These went to the tigers. The male tiger purposely lied beside the meat belly-up, in case Mary was going to try and grab the food. He didn't mind women grabbing him there.

To his disappointment, Mary walked away, so he just jumped on top of the female tiger. It took hours to feed all of the animals.

When she was done, it was morning and it began to rain. Noah was still outside complaining.

"Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaary! I'm hungry! You forgot to feed me! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Noah was screaming and crying and kicking his feet on the floor.

I KNEW I forgot an animal… Mary thought. "Oh, hush up, you big baby!" She threw a steak at him.

"WOOT!" Noah caught it in his mouth and began eating it all messy. It turned Mary on. She started breathing quicker and quicker and she was getting wet.

"Hey…uh…Noah? How are your balls? Are you ready to have that orgy yet?" Mary asked all hopeful as she convulsed.

"They still hurt from when you threw that boot at them…anyway, I'm not in the mood." He said.

Mary began screaming. "NOOOOOOOO! We forgot the viagra! What'll we DO!"

Her screams woke up the animals and they all rushed out of their pens to see what was wrong. As Mary explained, they all looked horrified. They all pondered what should be done about this problem.

A blue Bluebird stepped forward, "Why don't we all just have an orgy so Mary can be happy and we can give Noah a doggie toy to play with so he won't feel left out."

"Good idea!" Mary beamed. She immediately jumped on top of a donkey and started panting.

"YEEHAW!" The donkey exclaimed. Noah started to cry.

"WHERE'S MY SEX TOY!" He demanded, still chewing his steak. Some of it flew out of his mouth when he spoke.

"UGH!" Mary got off of the Donkey and threw a squeaky Mr. Potato Head at Noah.

"Thank you!"

SO, all the animals and Mary had an orgy. It was hot and sweaty and there was even a clown who stopped by at one point!

And in the heat of it all, They heard; "MARY! THE ROOF IS LEAKING ON ME! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAARY!"

Noah was wondering around looking for her. And he was crying and squeezing his little toy. "I'm sure we'll find them, Mr. Potato Head!" He said to Mr. Potato Head who just stared blankly at him with his lips that were in the spot where his eyes went.

"I'd better go see what he's bitching about now…I'll be back, don't do anything TOO fun without me." She told the animals and with a wink she left.

Mary and Noah wandered the ark, looking for each other. Mary, meanwhile, walked in on some of the young animal babies having baby sex.

"Noah!" Mary called. "If you can hear me, squeak your little toy and I'll follow the sound!" Noah didn't hear this, but he squeaked it anyway. Mary went down one of the long hallways and bumped into Noah.

"Ow... Mary!" Noah smiled. He looked at her. She was really sweaty and her hair was all messed up. "You've been knocking boots!"

"Why, yes! Yes, I have, Noah! But it was hard with just one... I wasted my other one on yooooou." She said.

"Yeah, that hurt…!" Noah said, remembering how she had viciously thrown the boot at his balls. "Anyway, the roof is all leak-y, you're the man in this relationship, you fix it!" He complained.

"Just because we did that thing with the strap-on once doesn't mean I'm the man and that I know how to fix roofs." Mary explained.

Noah squeezed his potato. "But…but…" He held it up to her face and shook it while squeaking it like in the Chicken Foot episode of Invader Zim with the Dirty Chicken Toy ™.

"How can I argue with that? Fine." Mary said. She went into her room and got out her sex costume trunk. She picked out a sexy looking repairman outfit and got some wood, nails, a hammer, and a ladder.

As she climbed the ladder, Noah stood under her and stared at her thong. It was the one he bought her for their anniversary. It was a little big on her cause she lost weight because of her all-cum diet and it slipped off and landed on Noah's face.

"Mmmm, smells like turnips..." Noah said. Mary looked down at him and smiled.

"And just WHY are you leaving US out of this!" An ostrich inquired. He looked furious as did the other animals around them.

"I'm sorry, Noah was jealous. And just look at Mr. Potato Head!" Mary pointed to it. It squeaked.

"Wow, that is one sexy potato!" An animal in the back said.

"Mmmhmmm."

The potato squeaked again in gratitude for the compliment. Everyone else convulsed in pleasure, the squeak was rather arousing.

"DO IT AGAIN!" Someone screamed.

"Yes! Yes! Again! Again!" Others began to shout.

The potato squeaked and the people began to convulse in beat with its squeaking.

As everyone was orgasming with glee, Mary was fixing the roof. When she was done, she climbed down the later to find that the flood was flooded with cum. She tried walking through it but it was too sticky.

"GUYS! Come on, now I have to clean this!" Mary yelled at them. They were laying in the cum and they were unable to move because of the stickiness and because of the exhaustion.

Mary trudged over to the storage room and got out a really big tissue and began to clean. She had about half of it done when she started getting hungry, so she ate as much of the cum as she can. She now only had a mere sixth of what she started with. She got another tissue and finished up.

"Hahaha, that was fun!" A lion sighed happily. "Oh no, but where are the zebras?" They all looked around. Muffled screams were coming from the tissue Mary had just used.

"Oops!" Mary smiled and de-crumple-fied the tissue. The zebra rolled onto the floor and gasped.

"Thank GOD!" She exclaimed. There was an awkward silence followed by laughter.

"Yeeeah, that was a good one." Noah said.

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It's finally done! How long has it been? Like 5 months? A year? 40 years in a desert? I dunno. Anyway, we've decided to actually respond to the reveiws in this chapter. Aren't we nice? Half of you probably forgot about this story though, unless you have like an alert about it, oh well, we'll get some new readers. Here we go!

Brittany's responses

Marysa: It's not me and Jinx, It's me and Sam, gawds. Anyway, glad you like and I hope our story doesn't get you in trouble with your parents!

Kasey and Jenna: Glad you guys like it. I hope you still read this but I dunno, it's been forever.

Myst-walker-in-gray: I'm glad you thought it was so funny. I didn't think people would like it, I thought we'd get only flames.

Queen Of Nutism: I'm glad you think we're entertaining. I hope you haven't forgotten about us.

Marysa: -gasp- Two reveiws from the same person, we must not be scaring you guys away. That's a good thing, I guess.

Crystal: I haven't gotten the "or else" part yet so I'm assuming this is soon enough? Heh, sorry about that.

Queen of Nutism: Here's noah's ark! I hope you liked. Did it make you giggle with pleasure?

Eleventh Guard: I dunno if this one is like chapter three but I hope you still enjoy.

Myhometown: Glad you like it!

Kerbi: …Was that supposed to be a flame? 'Cause if it was, it wasn't very good.

Lembo: Hey Lembo's sister! Hehe, You're Jesus and you are my bitch and I am your bitch. This not going to Canada party should be fuuuuuuun. -wink-

Unknown: thank you, just thank you. When I got this email that said I had a review I was pretty happy, I read it then when I saw what you said I was on the ground laughing. You're is probably my favorite review so far.

Erin: Glad you like. You should try apple juice or grape juice. Prune and tomato are just nasty.

Regina Rex: I'm glad you think it was worth it. And don't worry, my hell isn't so bad, you can hang out in the Bother level or something.

Jen: Is that a good "…" or a bad "…"? Oh well, that's for your submission, it was…nice.

Funnyfunnyfunny: So you thought it was funny?

Angel: I don't hate you, hate is just stupid. I'm sure you're really nice, I don't care if you didn't like our story. Why don't you let your brother read it?

Alison: Glad you like it. You guys were just sitting there reading it at Cat's party. Gods, we got like no sleep. Fucking Liz.

Simba11: Does that mean you like it or you don't like it? Why can't people read the warning? Gawds.

Michelle: You demand an update, you get an update…eventually. Glad you like, Lembo's sister.

Xir: Glad you like it! I hope you continue to read.

Daimon Swift: Cardboard is always fun! How cool would cardboard pants be? You could just like walk around with boxes on your legs. It would be awesome.

-Kiwi's Responses-

Marysa: Yep. And Jinx isn't helping with this… I am… And that thing you said about Christmas was right… That's weird. Haha, oops.

Kasey and Jenna: Wow, okay… No one's ever been that crazy about something I did except for maybe the first time I went to the bathroom and my parents freaked out or something. Yeeeah, thanks though. You guys rock!

Myst-Walker-In-Gray: What's with all of these postitive reviews. Haha, thanks so much.

Queen of Nutism: We did… see?

Marysa… again: -thinks we still suck- All of those quotes were Brittany's. That silly biscuit. Yeah, but the cinnamon thing was mine. nn

Crystal: Gore is good! Yesss! I'm glad you bothered to review twice. Hmmm, wow… We have fans! I don't like writing sex stuff, honestly.

Queen of Nutism: Again: We did… see? And thanks for reviewing again! And what's with all the demand for sex!

Eleventh Guard: Yeeeah, thanks. That cinnamon thing was mine. Haha, wow, and I thought it was the cheesiest thing in the world. Thanks for being a sucker for wordplay! And I reread chapter 1 and it scared me….

MyHometown: Thanks a lot.

Kerbi: … Okay.

Lembo: No…! Just kidding…. Well, it's kind of late to undo the keeping of the going. Crap, I confused myself…

Unknown: It's DARE! It's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up! It's DARE! WOO!

Erin: Love to the 5th power right back to you. –steals your orange juice- Glad you loved it. nn

Regina Rex: Okay, "See you in hell".

Jen: "…" Translation: You guys suck. Thank you… I know.

Funnyfunnyfunny: So fucking cool that you think it was so fucking funny…

Angel: I dunno how to spell anything relious-wise. And… get your brother to read it then. And in response to "What the heck?" : This the heck.

Xiao-Darkcloud: Hey! I know you! –waves-

Xir: Thanks!

Daimon Swift: Little do you know… I'm a cardboard person too… Well… NOW you know, but… BEFORE you didn't know! So HA! –walks away-