I still don't own any form of Phantom of the Opera, or its characters...just like last time.
CHAPTER TWO
Meanwhile, as Madame Giry is heroically "aiding" Raoul in his search for the Phantom's lair, Christine is emerging from the Phantom's dressing room, clad in a wedding dress.
Christine: Omigod, I can't believe you actually made me slide down that rope with you! Do you know that everyone probably totally saw my underpants? What a jerk!
Erik: Mademoiselle! I have murdered men and burned my opera house for you, and you're concerned about your panties?
Christine: Uh, does this dress make my butt look big?
Luckily, before Erik can answer, Madame Giry's voice comes echoing through the labyrinth.
Madame Giry's Echoing Voice: "... has fallen in for the eighth time-ime-ime! Please close the trapdoor before I lose my mind-ind-ind!
Erik sighs, walks over to a wall bristling with levers, and pulls one.
Madame Giry's Echoing Voice: Thank you Erik-ik-ik! Er, I mean mysterious Phantom-om-om!
Erik: It seems as if your lover is approaching my lair, Mademoiselle!
Christine: Who?
Erik: Your lover? Raoul? (observes Christine's blank stare). The Vicomte DeChagny! Think, Christine! Long blonde hair? Pretty boy? Good dancer?
Christine: Oh! You mean my lover, Raoul the Vicomte DeChagny! Why didn't you just say so? What about him?
A light sheen of perspiration appears on Erik's forehead.
Erik: He's coming. He's on his way here, and I mean to kill him, and marry you!
Christine: That's nice, Erik, whatever...is there something to eat around here?
Erik begins to hyperventilate.
Erik: No! Not right now! Put this veil on your head, and let's get started before your idiot boyfriend gets here.
Christine: Oh, no, Monsieur! How could you do this to me! Have pity!
Erik: Christine, you'll learn to love me! You'll look beyond this hideous face and...
Christine: Please! White makes me look dumpy, and chiffon gives me pimples! O-h-h! I shall have a pimple on my nose when Raoul gets here! He won't love me anymore! (begins to weep)
Erik whimpers softly and starts grinding his teeth.
Erik: Mademoiselle, clearly you do not understand the situation you are in¼.
Suddenly Raoul's voice is heard just outside the Phantom's lair.
Raoul: Excuse me! Excu-u-u-se me!
Erik: What is it, you fool?
Raoul: Is this the Phantom's lair?
Erik: As I am the Phantom, and this island appears to be a lair, you idiot, what do you think?
Raoul: I'm sorry, how was I supposed to know? I thought there'd be like, a big sign, or something. How do expect you people to find you, anyway?
Erik: I don't, you chuckle-head.
Christine: Raoul be careful! He told me he's going to kill me and marry you!
Raoul: He is? Monsieur! That's disgusting!
Erik: No! No! That's wrong! I wasn't going to do that!
Christine: Then why'd you say it?
Erik's good eye begins to twitch.
Erik: I didn't say that! I said I was going to kill him and...oh, never mind! To what purpose do I explain this to the two of you? It's like talking to a couple of chunks of Brie!
Christine: Brie? You do have some food around here! I'm hungry!
Raoul: Me too! May I have some?
Erik: No! Listen to me! Pay attention! Raoul, I have your girlfriend here. I intend to force her to marry me, and live a life of horror in this dank dungeon! Christine, I intend to torture your boyfriend, and then strangle him to death! Does this not frighten either one of you? Does it not make you look at me and tremble? Do you wish to beg for mercy?
Raoul: Can I use your bathroom? I have to poop.
Christine: Please Raoul, it's hopeless. He's out of toilet paper. I checked.
Erik's eyes start darting around, as if he is looking for an escape.
Erik: Um, look...Raoul, I need you to do me a favor.
Raoul: Well, sure!
Erik: I'm opening the gate and letting you in, because I need you to hold this rope for me.
Raoul: Wow, that's a mighty big rope!
Erik: Yes. It is. Oh, dear, look at this! It's all tangled! Here, put this end of it around your neck, while I straighten it out...Raoul: All righty-o!
(Raoul obligingly places the noose around his neck, and Erik suddenly pins him against the gate and trusses him up like a Thanksgiving turkey)
Erik: Ah ha! I've got you now, foolish boy!
Raoul: Darn, I forgot to keep my knees at the level of my scapula!
Erik: Now, Christine, agree to end your days with me, or Raoul dies!
Christine: I can't, Erik! I just can't!
Erik: Allons! Why not, Christine?
Christine: I don't have my favorite foofy blue lace garter!
Raoul: That's OK, Christine, I'm wearing it! You can have it back now!
Erik and Christine both turn to stare at Raoul.
Raoul: What? Why are you looking at me like that?
Erik(choosing not to think about why Raoul is wearing a foofy blue lace garter): Christine, forget the blasted garter! Make your choice!
Christine: But I always wear that garter whenever I get married!
Erik: ...whenever you get...Christine! What are you saying?
Christine: Jeez, Erik, are you stupid, or something? I said no garter, no wedding. That's always been the rule, all five times!
Erik: Five times? Five times?
Christine: Well, maybe six. Or, wait! Was it seven? Let me think...There was Pierre, then Rene, then Jean Paul. Rollo doesn't count, because I ran off with Father Etienne in the middle of the ceremony. Ah, let's see, who else? Mortimer, Chuckles the Tap Dancing Clown, and that pirate, uh, what was his name?
Erik: Christine! You are only seventeen years old! How could you possibly have had all of those husbands?
Christine: Well, uh, they kept dying...
Erik: Kept dying? How?
Christine: Well, they kind of went "Ungh!" and fell down.
Erik: No, no! That's not what I meant! What killed them?
Christine: Erik, dying killed them. Don't you know anything? Sheesh!
Erik begins giggling nervously under his breath.
Erik: Christine, my dearest angel, you didn't by assist them with their uh, passing, did you?
Christine: No! Uh, well, yes...but no! Well...sort of, just a little...
Erik: Christine, how in the world can you kill someone just a little?
Christine: Oh, I knew it! Now you're going to be cranky all day!
Raoul: Excu-u-u-se me! I still have to poop!