Hmm, Let me check...Nope, I still don't own Phantom of the Opera, or any of it's characters.
Chapter Three
Eric has given Christine his ultimatum: Marry him, or Raoul dies. Christine has revealed the rather shocking truth about her five, wait, six...(or was it seven?) deceased husbands. Raoul clearly doesn't know what the Hell is going on, and is enjoying himself immensely.
Raoul: If you untie my arm I'll show you a neat trick that Madame Giry taught me!
Erik: Silence, foolish boy! Don't you understand that you're a hair's breadth away from oblivion?
Raoul: Hoopla! Oblivion! Where's that?
Erik: Idiot! Have you no idea why you are tied to that gate with a noose around your neck?
Raoul: So I can do this? (Sags his weight against his restraints, and begins splashing water with his feet) Wheee! Look out!
Erik: Stop that! Stop that right now! You're ruining my nice Don Juan shirt!
Raoul: Sorry! Can I still go to Oblivion?
Erik(mumbling): It is becoming more and more certain by the moment, Monsieur.
Christine: Hey! Look what I found! What is it, anyway? (wades into the water, carrying a huge stack of papers)
Erik: Mon Dieu! Mademoiselle! Go back! Be careful with those...(stares in horror as Christine trips and drops the stack of papers into the water). No! No, no, no! (plunges through the water trying to save the papers)
Christine: Erik, they're just some dumb old papers, with lines and dots all over them.
Erik: Dumb old papers! Those dumb old papers represent my entire life's work! My music! My music! (picks up paper after paper, dropping each one again, as he sees that the ink has run off the water-soaked sheets)
Christine: Oh, is that all! I thought it was important, like love letters to me, or something. Big deal, so write something else!
Erik: Write something else? Write something else? Nothing can replace this music! It took me years to write!
Christine: (Yawns) Hey, what time is it getting to be? I'm bored.
Raoul: Yeah, me too. Maybe we could go to Oblivion together?
Christine: OK, but I have to fix my make-up first. Erik, are we done with whatever we came here for?
(Erik begins cackling loudly, and pulling his hair)
Erik: Yes, it's finished! Take her! She's yours! Just get the Hell out of here now, you idiots! If I spend even another moment with you, I'll go madder than I was before. Aug-g-gh!
(Christine begins to loosen Raoul's ropes, and soon he is free. He immediately dashes into the dressing room and emerges with the dummy)
Raoul: Thank you, thank you Monsieur Phantom! (tosses the dummy into the boat) Come my love, off we go to Oblivion.
Erik: Wait...that's not Christine, that's a...
Raoul: None of your silly tricks, Monsieur! Say good-bye to the nice man, Christine. (waits a few beats). Ah, Monsieur, she is being a little rude one, and will not speak to you! But, thank you from the both of us for your kind hospitality. (Thumbs his nose at Erik.) That, Monsieur, is from Madame Giry!
Erik(muttering): Wait til I get my hands on that woman!
(The boat with Raoul and the dummy in it disappears from view).
Erik: Stupid, stupid boy! Eh, he'll find out it's a wax dummy sooner or later...or maybe not.
Christine: Erik! Erik! There you are!
Erik: Uh, Christine, you're still here...
Christine: Yes, and I've decided to marry you, instead of Rodney.
Erik: Rodney? Surely you mean Raoul?
Christine: Yes! Raoul. Rodney was the name of my last husband!
Erik: I'm so happy you finally remembered. Look, Christine, if it's all the same to you, I think you should go find Raoul and kill...er..marry him, not me.
Christine: Oh, no, I couldn't...when I untied him, I noticed that he was all wet, and smelled like sewer water and poop. I couldn't marry a wet stinky man!
Erik: Mademoiselle, people have been known to bathe, and change their clothing!
Christine: Not Raoul. He never can remember how.
Erik: Nonetheless, Christine, the two of you well suited for each other...you're both idiots, and you both drive me crazy!
Christine: Me? An idiot? You stand there with that stupid mask on your face and call me an idiot?
Erik: Mademoiselle, this is not a mask, it is my face, if you'll remember. You removed my mask earlier tonight.
Christine: Don't be stupid, Erik. Of course it's a mask. No one could look that disgusting and repulsive. Here let me show you.(reaches up and grabs the right side of his face)
A scream of pain echoes throughout the tunnels and caverns under the opera house. Suddenly, the gate to the Phantom's Lair opens, a young woman in a wedding dress comes soaring through the air, and lands on her prat in the water. The gate slides shut again.
Erik: It's over now, the music of the night! So, get the devil out of here, and never come back!
Christine: All, right! All right! But don't think I'm going to marry you now!
Sometime later, the mob from the opera house finally finds the Phantom's Lair. The gate is open and the Phantom is waiting for them, giggling and twitching.
Erik: Thank God you're here! Save me, lead me from those idiots! They're too stupid to find their way out of here! They'll be back, I know it! Hurry, arrest me, shoot me, tear me to flinders...do whatever it is you came to do, but don't let them get me! Please!
Head Mob Person: Um, you're really Gerard Butler, aren't you?
Erik: Uh, er, well yes, I am.
Head Mob Person: All we really came down here for was your autograph...would you mind?
Erik: Well, I suppose so, although I must say this is highly irreg...
(Raoul's and Christine's voices are heard in the distance, and drawing nearer)
Raoul: And how is it my fault we got lost? He never told me where Oblivion was!
Christine: Well, you could have asked for directions.
Raoul: I did. I asked her!
Christine: That's a dummy, you twit!
Raoul: How dare you call my Christine a dummy!
Christine: I'm Christine, that's a...oh, never mind. Are we almost back at the lair?
Raoul: Yep! I'll bet he's been worried about us, too!
Erik: A-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h! (smashes a large mirror, runs into the tunnel that was hidden behind it, and is never seen again).
Years later, an old and feeble Raoul is driven to the Cemetery, and is wheeled to Christine's burial site. He slowly and painfully rises from his wheelchair, and approaches his wife's grave. "She almost killed me," he thought. "At least twelve times...whatta girl!" The old man reverently places the objects he's brought with him at the foot of Christine's monument...a wax dummy, a foofy blue lace garter, and a chunk of brie, six Little Lotte Comic Books, a stuffed owl, three bottles of window cleaner, a ball of string, a box of Dr. Atier's Semi-Translucent Bon-Bons, a diesel engine and a lemon. He wipes his eyes, stands there a moment, and then wanders off, completely forgetting where he is. Hidden nearby, the Phantom watches, and laughs and laughs and laughs.