Disclaimer: AHH I DON'T OWN JOAN OF ARCADIA AHH

A/N: Thanks to H.J. Glory, Tiff, Kool-Wolf, Annieca, TJ-TeeJay, and Bonny for reveiwing! I love hearing from you people. Suggestionss? What do you people wanna see?

Chapter title is from "Sick Cycle Carousel" by Lifehouse (thank you Ceil heh)

"Grace, open the door."

"Why are you even here?"

Joan slammed her hand onto Grace's apartment door, exhausted from knocking. It was surprising how separate you could feel from someone with just a door between you.

"Come on, I came here from Maryland, the least you could do is let me in?"

Joan regretted the words the instant they had come out of her mouth.

She could hear Grace fumble with the lock on her door before pulling it open in such a swift motion that Grace's hair flew back from her face.

Joan swallowed hard. She didn't really expect to see Grace. She absently noticed that Grace looked different, her hair a little shorter then the last time Joan saw her. During their senior year, Grace had grown it out a bit, until it had poured over her shoulders. Now it hung limply at her jaw line.

"'The least I could do?' What, do I owe you that or something?"

Joan stopped thinking, breathing, processing what she was seeing and hearing. She didn't know how to deal with this anymore.

Grace stared at her blankly. "Did you expect me to welcome you with open arms? Because it really doesn't work that way, especially with me, Girardi."

Joan blinked. She had worked out a hundred different things to say to Grace on the way to New York but it seemed like she couldn't remember one. She closed her eyes briefly and tilted her head downwards, trying to force a smile through her crumbling expression. "Uh…" She breathed before shoving her hands in the pockets of her blue pull over, letting out a tiny, forced laugh.

"I wish…I knew how to explain this to you."

"Joan…" Grace said quietly. "Why are you here?"

Joan looked up and realized how small Grace was. She was much thinner, Joan could see that, even though Grace had buried herself in long pants and a heavy sweaterdespite it being June.

"I wanted to see how you were doing."

Grace looked around her apartment, fully furnished, but appearing empty and dark to her, missing something but holding too many other things. This place meant nothing to her.

Over two-hundred miles away, Luke sat at a bus stop, alone, in the dark. Cars sped passed him, street lights glared down on the damp, dirty sidewalk, people walked by, lost in their own worlds of ex-girlfriends and missing sisters and failed plans. He missed his bus an hour ago. He ran his hands through his hair and looked up at the sky.

The stars are bright tonight, Adam thought, causing him to look down at the pavement below him. He dropped his cigarette on the curb he was sitting on and stomped it out. The suburban streets of New Jersey were unusually quiet. It gave Adam too much room to think.

"You wanted to see how I was doing…after five years?"

"Grace", Joan stepped forward, surprising Grace and backing them into the apartment. She closed the door behind her, keeping things quick and fluid so Grace wouldn't have time to protest. "I screwed up. I know I did."

The two of them stared at each other, meeting eyes for the first time as women instead of teenage girls. Both of them held a constant, solid look in their eyes, permanently replacing the ever-changing gazes they owned when they were younger, the ones that adjusted to how far they had chosen to open their eyes to the world. There wasn't much either of them hadn't seen anymore.

"I don't…" Joan fumbled "I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry."

"You're the last person I thought would run away like that."

"What?"

"Girardi, what were you doing? You're so freakin' stubborn and loyal that it really makes me wonder what your motive was." Grace crossed the room to a small kitchen area and opened the refrigerator, blocking her from Joan's sight.

"I just-Grace, I went to college!"

"No." Grace closed the refrigerator door and leaned against it, soda can in hand. "Not right after graduation. Didn't you wait a year?"

Joan nodded slightly, hoping Grace had somehow missed it.

"Where did you go? Where the hell did you go at eighteen years old with no money or job? Did you really want to hurt your family that bad?"

Grace and Joan could practically feel the tension hanging in the air between them, murky and thick, like they could reach out and touch it. It was Grace who broke the silence.

"I don't get it, Joan." She said quietly. "What were you running from?"

Joan didn't answer.

"Joan!"

"What!" Joan's head snapped up. "You did the same thing! You haven't seen Luke since graduation!"

"He's not my brother!" Grace fumed.

"Who said I was running from something, anyway!" Joan practically yelled. "Where the hell do you get so much insight!"

"You wouldn't have left for no reason." Grace put her soda down on the counter by her kitchen sink. "I knew you. I don't know if I still do, but, for the most part, I did."

"You still know me." Joan said feebly.

Luke walked. He didn't know where he was going. He just concentrated on his sneakers thumping down on the pavement, each time harder to pick back up. He felt like he had weights tied on his ankles.
Grace sighed and turned back to the counter, taking a sip of her soda and reaching out to thumb through the mail the way she had three hours earlier. "What time is it?"

Joan glanced at her watch. "10:45."

"Did you come to New York just to see me?"

Joan paused and considered lying, but reminded herself that no one needed to hear any more lies from her, especially Grace.

"Yeah, pretty much."

Grace surprised herself and Joan when she turned the corner and walked into her bedroom, pointing to a hall closet on the way. "There's a sleeping bag in there. Set it up on the kitchen table if you want, I really don't care."

Adam laid his head back on the mattress he'd tossed on the floor of his small apartment and tried to evaluate the blur of days running through his mind.

Wednesday, he sold a sculpture and went to work. Thursday, he went to work. Friday, he went to work and he saw Joan. Saturday, he went to work.

After college, he built himself a completely new life, totally separate from his old one. Soon his old life became so removed and alien that New Jersey and Maryland seemed to be two different worlds. He still went back home sometimes, to see his dad, and he went and saw Grace every once in a while, invading their new found worlds. No one had ever invaded his, before Joan. She had punched a hole in the dam between his childhood and his adult life, permitting them to crash together and mix and leave no possibility of ever separating again.

It's raining a lot lately, he thought. He reached up and opened his window, giving him the sound of fat rain drops shattering on the pavement to concentrate on as he succumbed to everything he thought he had control of.

Joan looked up from her spot on the floor as she curled up in the sleeping bag, making out the outline of Grace's back in the dark.

"Grace?" Joan nearly whispered.

"Yeah?" Grace asked just as quietly from her bed.

"I really am sorry. For everybody." Joan told her tearfully, sounding small and helpless.

There was such a long pause that Joan thought Grace had fallen asleep.

"I know."

Even though Joan had never been a huge fan of Grace and Luke dating, after they'd broken up during their last week of school she knew they both changed and she didn't like it. They had forced themselves back into the familiar mold of the lonely, secretive kid, like they never even knew each other.

Joan contemplated asking her next question, but finally just blurted it out. "Who do you live with?"

She could almost hear Grace flinch. "My boyfriend."

Joan had been expecting it, but her heart stopped momentarily for her brother anyway.

"Where is he?"

"He's working until tomorrow night." Grace lied easily.

"You meet him at college?" Joan asked, growing more and more awake with every question.

"Yeah."

"What's his name?"

"Goodnight, Joan."

"I just want to know about him." Joan whined, like they'd never been apart.

"I just want to know why you left."

Joan stopped short. Then she rolled over in the sleeping bag.

"Right. Goodnight."

Joan stared at the ceiling. She would have to explain to Grace and Adam and her family sometime. She didn't know how to express that running from her life was the only way to run from God.

NOTE: For those of you who want to be lame and join in cheesy fun goodness known as RPing our own season three-ish, go to H.J. Glory's info page and email her! Yes we know it's lame, but dude you know it's fun! We're setup on greatest journal.H.J. Glory will supply you with a link to check it out if you're interested in being lame too! (Lame is COOL)