Title: See Her Smile
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Roger/April
Summary: Something is bothering April, but Roger doesn't know what. Roger's POV. A bit dark.
Disclaimer: It's all Jonathan's.
(A/N: This was originally a songfic to See Her Smile from Tick Tick Boom. But since songfics are not allowed here, I cut the lyrics out as to not get reported or temporarily banned from the site. I guess it's fine without lyrics, but I think they give it more power. If you would like read it with lyrics, e-mail me and I'll be happy to send it to you. My e-mail address is in my profile. Just wanted to say that...)
I sat at the kitchen table next to my best friend and across from my girlfriend. My hands were wrapped around a mug of hot coffee, but I didn't have the strength to bring it to my lips. I just sat there staring blankly at it, letting the heat burn through to my hands. I was thinking. Something wasn't right. It was too quiet around the loft anymore, unless of course I was playing my guitar and singing. April used to love it. But something had changed about her. She wasn't herself. She seemed depressed, alone, and scared. I tried talking to her about it, but she let no secret sleep.
--
"April, are you okay?" I asked. "You don't seem yourself."
"I'm fine really," April said. "Don't worry about me." Her tone was blank, letting no emotion, no hints escape.
"If something is bothering you, you know you can talk to me about it, right?"
"I know," she said. No smile of reassurance.
--
The memory of that night cut like a knife. I knew she was keeping something from me. What it was, I haven't a clue. And I don't think Mark knew either. I don't think he even knew something was wrong. He was all caught up in his girlfriend. He had been since they met last winter. She became his top priority. I think she was moving in next week.
I just wanted April to open up to me. I knew she was hurting. And it was hurting me that I couldn't help her.
--
Mark went to bed early that night, probably locked in his room fiddling with that stupid camera again. I sat with April in the living room. We were alone. It was so quiet. I had snapped a string on my guitar, so there was no serenading going on. It had been much more quiet ever since we lost Collins and Benny. Collins left in early January for a new job at MIT and Benny moved in with Alison Grey, or Muffy as I like to call her. I miss them sometimes. In awkward silences like this. Maybe I should try again.
"April, what's wrong?"
She looked up at me, a myriad of secrets dancing in her green eyes. Eyes greener than mine. She looked like she wanted to tell me something, but she just bit her lip.
I took her hand in mine, lacing our fingers together. "I want to know what's bothering you, I want to help you."
"It's nothing all that bad," April let out quietly, as if she didn't want to say it. I knew she was lying.
"Okay," I didn't want to pry. She would tell me in time. I knew it. She always did. "I miss your smile."
"I miss smiling, too."
--
I didn't sleep much that night. I don't think April did either. She laid in my arms with her eyes closed, but I don't think she made the trip to Dream Land. I spent the night staring at the ceiling. Just thinking about April. My April. Mine now and forever. I don't think I could ever let her go.
I glanced at the clock. It was nearing 3 am. I looked down at April and pushed a lock of red-blonde hair out of her face. Even in sleep there was no smile. Her eyes flicked open and looked at me. I smiled down at her and whispered a good morning.
"Why does the world have to be so cruel?" April said. No, she hadn't been sleeping. She'd been thinking too. "I know I got myself mixed up in the wrong things, with the wrong people," she looked down at her scarred arms, once pale and pure, now tainted with the wickedness of drugs, "and I'm sorry for dragging you through it all."
I looked at my own arms, scarred and mangled. She had introduced me to heroin, to drugs. I knew I shouldn't have, but it felt so good. Took away the pain. "Don't be sorry, you're not the only one to blame."
"Yes, I am," she sat up, wrapping the sheets tight around her and shivering. "It's all my fault that we're…"
"No, I could've said no or helped you," I cut her off. "But no, I tried it and fell in love with the feeling. It's my fault too."
"But Roger…"
"It'll get better, I promise."
She shook her head, but let me pull her into my arms anyway.
--
The morning came early and when I woke, April wasn't there. I dressed and ventured into the main room of the loft. Mark was on the couch, talking to Maureen. I wasn't sure what to think of her. She was ripping away my best friend. And now I was slowly losing April too.
"Hey, Rog," Maureen greeted.
I twitched. Rog. I hated it. Was the –er that hard to add? "Hi Mo." Two can play at that game. She twitched slightly.
"Now we know to call each other Roger and Maureen," Mark said, catching the hostility.
"Sure, Marky," I said in unison with Maureen. It wasn't on purpose, but we both smiled when we saw Mark blush. He had never liked that nickname, hence why I use it constantly.
"Have you seen April?" I asked, pouring myself some milk. "When I woke up she was gone."
"Uh, no I didn't see her," Mark said. I knew what he was thinking. That she was probably out getting drugs or fucking someone else. He always thought that April was doing something to hurt me. Like she didn't deserve me. Drugs and deception was all she was to him. But to me she was so much more.
"Don't jump to conclusions now," I said, reading him well.
He knew I could read him. "Sorry, it's just…"
"I know, she's a hard one to tame," I admitted. "But I love her anyway," I whispered, not sure if Mark heard me.
There was nothing I could do but wait for her to come back. It had been like this lately. She disappeared for the day and came back, fresh track marks on her arms. Mark was just waiting for the day when she didn't come back.
She always came back. Always back to my arms. Still no smile. I haven't seen her smile in days. And it was tearing my heart in two.
"Are you ready to tell me yet?" I had to keep pushing.
"There's nothing to tell," she avoided my eyes.
"We'll get through this," I moved towards her and hugged her. "When you're ready to let me know what's wrong."
"There's nothing…"
"Yes there is," I looked her in the eyes. She didn't look away. She knew I knew. "When you're ready." I kissed her. It was our first kiss in days. I missed it. Not as much as her smile.
It was a rough night. April was more detached than she had been all day. She didn't say a word. Her lips stayed a straight line. No goodnight. No I love you. No nothing. She just laid next to me. No words, no emotion.
It wasn't til I woke up in the morning. It was early. It was quiet. April was missing. I left the room. Maureen had spent the night here. I could hear her talking to Mark in their bedroom. The bathroom door was closed. It must be April. I knocked softy. No reply. I pushed the door open. Unlocked.
At first, it looked normal. But at second glass, something was wrong. Everything was wrong. There was blood on the floor. I held back the tears. Or at least I tried. I moved closer the bathtub, slowly, expecting the worse, praying for the best. I knelt beside the tub and gazed inside. I let out a cry. No, I'm dreaming, this can't be.
I reached inside. April was laying there. She wasn't moving. She wasn't breathing. The blade from a razor – my razor – laid inches from her fingers. Dried blood was everywhere – on the tub, her clothes, her wrists. The scars were no longer visible, ripped away by the razor and covered in her blood.
"April," I whispered. "Why…"
My eyes moved away from her arms to her hands. Inches from one was the razor, the other was holding something. I loosened it from her grip. It was a piece of paper. I read it. Three words. That's all it said. Three painful words.
We've got AIDS.
Those were three words I didn't want to hear from her. I wanted the three words I'd never heard her say that I've wanted to hear for my entire life. Now I'd never hear them. I dropped the paper and looked at her face. Her beautiful face, untouched by the blood. Her eyes were closed, as if she was sleeping. She looked so peaceful. My gaze moved to her lips. They were curled into a smile. The smile I had been missing – the smile she had been missing. April's smile. The only thing to keep me going.
I just wanna see her
Just wanna see her...smile
Fin