Striking The Heart

I'm Sorry

Goku tossed and turned, pulling and tugging at his covers fiercely. His body was acing, acing from lack of sleep, acing from the fact he couldn't sleep. He sat up, sweat burning his face as it run down from his forehead. He rubbed his tired red eyes and peered over at the clock on the bedside table. It was two in the morning exactly. He sighed, knowing there was no point in trying to sleep. Gosha would be due for her next feeding soon anyway. He kicked the cover off fully and rose slowly out of bed. He sauntered over to the window where he drew back the dark curtains and opened it. The moonlight blinded his weary eyes and he squinted as he stared. He didn't know how much more of this he could take. All these restless nights, they were draining him. Draining him of energy, draining him of life. It was as though the whole world was literally on his shoulders. And it hurt so much.

He sighed when he heard Gosha making noises through the baby monitor. She was a few weeks old now, and she sure did make a lot of noise. Especially when he was trying to sleep. All he could hear was whimpering, the shuffling of her body when she fidgeted. In a way, it was comforting to hear someone there with him, but in another way it was darn right annoying. He walked out of his bedroom door, the moonlight tracing his features as he moved. He entered her open bedroom and turned on the small light next to her cot. She was on her back, her eyes half open and her hands and legs spread out. He stifled a giggle and gently scooped her up. Careful with her head, he laid her on his chest and headed downstairs.

His tiredness was dawning on him heavier now. His eyelids were getting heavy and his eyes wanted to sprout out hands and pull them down. He leant back in the chair, his eyes almost closed when a choking noise caught his attention. He jumped and panicked when he realised it was Gosha. She wanted a break from her bottle and she was coughing furiously.

"Oh Baby" he cried, holding her against his chest and patting her back gently, "Baby I'm so sorry" he soothed, his eyes stinging for so many reasons. She coughed a few more times before settling back down again. He held her a little longer, tried to comfort him more than her. He was crying. He could feel the tears running down his cheeks and onto his worn t-shirt. The tears felt so warm against his cold pale cheeks. So warm…and alive. Something he swore he was not. He sniffed and wiped them away, feeling stupid for crying like that. He really was loosing it. He really was falling apart.

It was now 6:34am. Goku had finally fallen asleep and the house was peacefully quiet. If only it could stay peaceful forever.

It was dinner time the next day and Gohan had come home early from school. He set his bag down on the sofa and walked into the kitchen. Goten was already sat there with chopsticks in his hands, little Gosha was in a carrier on Goku's chest and Goku, well, he was serving dinner. He set out the plates across the table, just like Chichi used to. He felt proud that he could actually cook something. So it was chicken and rice, maybe fish sometimes, but it was better than nothing right?

"Daddy" Goten called as Goku went back to the counter.

"Yes son" Goku replied with a small smile.

"Is it okay if I can call for Trunks after dinner?" he asked quietly. After the night before, Goten didn't want to get on the bad side of his father.

"Sure kiddo" Goku replied, setting the final plates down. Gohan and Goten dug in, and for once, Goku took a pick at things. It wasn't much Gohan noted, but it was something.

"How was school Gohan?" Goku asked quietly. Gohan swallowed his food.

"Fine thanks dad" he murmured. The rest of dinner went quietly, except for the sounds of eating. Goten finished and patted his belly.

"Thanks daddy. It was really good" he said. Goku smiled.

"I'm glad Goten"

"Can I go now?" he asked sweetly.

"Okay. But be back before it gets dark okay?"

"Yeah you're the best!" he cheered. He was about to run out when he stopped himself, "Um…daddy" he said.

"Yeah?" Goku questioned anxiously.

"I love you" he said. Goku smiled warmly at the eight year old and watched him run out. Gohan dumped all of the many plates in the sink.

"That was good dad, thanks" he said as he walked out.

"Gohan? Son…wait a minute" Goku called, walking over to him. Gohan stood quietly looking at the ground.

"Gohan…I'm really sorry for the way I acted the other day. It's not your fault but I did take it out on you…and I'm really sorry for that. I really regret everything I said. I'm also sorry for being a terrible dad" Gohan looked up at his face, "I've not given you and Goten much attention lately…and I can see it definitely in Goten's eyes…how lonely he is and…how dejected he feels. And I see it in you to" Gohan still remained silent.

"I'm sorry for hurting your feelings Gohan and I'm sorry for throwing it all back in your face. I know I'm tired…in fact exhausted, but I need to do this Gohan. I need to-do this by myself…why can't you understand that?"

"I can dad. You're as stubborn as mom. But…I just want to help"

"I know you do. And I really appreciate your concern"

Then please let me help. I'll be so happy if I can help" Goku sighed.

"Okay…what do you want?"

"I want you to stop doing all the chores. Me and Goten will do half of them each. You WILL eat dinner PROPERLY with us and you will get early nights so you can sleep better! Understood?" Gohan said with a smile.

"Okay Gohan"

"Ah ah ah! Shake on it!" Gohan ordered, putting his hand out. Goku smiled and shook it. Gohan smiled victoriously.

"Okay dad. I'm gonna do my homework and then I'll help you with tea kay?"

"Gohan" Goku said before he walked off. Gohan looked at him and smiled in suspense.

"I just want you to know how proud of you I am. I don't think I would have lasted this long without you"

"Dad…"

"No son, I'm being serious. I'm really lucky to have you. Thanks for being there for me son. You really don't know how much help you are…I love you son" Goku said. Gohan warmly beamed and hugged his father the best he could. With little Gosha in the way, it was hard work.

"Thanks dad. I love you too" he said.

"Okay now go and do that homework!" he ordered pleasantly.

"Got it" he said as he ran upstairs.

Night fall was very close now and Goten had just come through the door. He shrieked in surprise when he saw his father standing there, hands on hips. Looks just like momma, Goten thought.

"Daddy are you mad? I'm not late am I?" Goku still frowned.

"I'm sorry daddy. I will go to my room now" he sadly said but suddenly he was shocked to find himself in his father's arms, "Daddy?" he questioned.

"Of course I'm not mad. Daddy could never get mad at you" he said. Goten giggled as he carried him into the living room.

"I just wanted to talk to you" he said as he sat down, his son still in his lap.

"What about daddy?"

"Well…I guess I haven't had much time to play with you lately have I?"

"Its okay dad. I understandid" he replied.

"I know…but I should still make time for you" "Tell you what, when tea's done and Gosha's napping, we'll have some play time okay?"

"Really?"

"Really" Goku repeated. Goten cheered and embraced his father around the neck, "You're the bestest daddy" he said.

"And you're the bestest too Goten" "Now go and do some good old studying and I'll call you when tea's ready okay?"

"Okay dad" he chirped as he ran upstairs. Goku's smile soon faded. Of course he wanted to spend time with them, but…it would tire him out even more. He felt he was being selfish now…but he couldn't help but wanting the peace and quiet and just having a rest. He sighed and stood up, making his way to the kitchen. He had to get started on tea, and he had only just finished washing up for dinner. He sighed and began to take out the pots. The day in the life of Chichi he thought…a novel could be written about that…about the way she used to wash and clean, cook and …no…now it was the day in the life of Goku. The way he washes and cleans and cooks. Such strange things would just pop up in his head and strange times. It was happening a lot lately. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. He even had a dream the other night that Chichi was alive. Which was impossible.

…Wasn't it?...