Sorry, it took me a while to update. I have… life to do. It's a real bother.And I KNOW Artemis is OOC!

Holly returns Butlers feelings!woot! I'm thinking of making this a Foaly/Root slash too. What do you guys think? lol. Maybe not… but I was seriously thinking about it… you tell me if it would work or not… after reading the LEP bit. I don't know how Satan's plan was going to work, I have no idea whether he could have stuck red residue in Foalys brain, or whether it would remain solid, but IN THIS STORY IT DOES! Woot! Now, to foil Beelzebub's scheme….

Chapter Five: What am I going to do? Eat a Number Two burger?—Under the pseudonym of Eoin Colfer

Julius had not left Foaly's bedside since the incident. The centaur remained unconscious well past dusk, but nobody cared about the Artemis Fowl mission anymore. The whole thing would fall to pieces without Foaly, anyway. Holy sat beside Root in a deep state of meditation. They were both trying to figure out what had happened. The vigil lasted for hours until Holy finally got up.

"I'm going to get something to eat, do you want to come?" She asked, suppressing a yawn. Root shook his head, still in a state of shock.

"Just bring me a black coffee. I'll stay here with the centaur." The commander said, unusually quiet and pale. Holly Short left him to his thoughts, hurrying to get there before the diner closed.

Root stared at Foalys familiar face, half expecting him to wake up and say it was all a joke. Unfortunately, all he got was a slight toss on the centaurs' part, trapping the hand Root had placed on his chest underneath Foaly's bottom. Grunting, he tried, and failed, to remove it. He sighed and banished any mutinous thoughts as to the firmness of the ass's bum. In an untimely burst of luck, the computer programmer chose that exact moment to wake up.

"What in Merlin's name is going on here?" He whinnied groggily and shifted his body weight off of the commander.

"Finally," He flexed his crushed digits. "You weigh a ton, better cut down on carrots, centaur." They laughed awkwardly. They both knew Julius's gibes were not to be taken seriously.

"What happened? All I remember is an excruciating pain, Then it all, thankfully, went black." Foaly cracked his neck bones.

"Ummm…" Julius did not think it would be wise to tell Foaly that he had stopped the A.F mission because of his accident.

"Root, do I ever leave you completely ignorant of anything? I don't even know how long I've been asleep! Just tell me! Whatever it is, it can't be worse than how my head feels right now!" He rubbed his temples and nudged Julius into submission with a hoof.

"You've been asleep for just under fourteen hours. Short and I decided to postpone the mission and nobody can figure out what happened to you. The more conservative council members even speculate that the whole thing is just an act to get a bigger paycheck." Short and I decided to postpone the mission, ha! Everybody knew that only Root could make that sort of executive decision.

"Wanting a bigger paycheck?" Foaly said innocently, batting his eyelashes, "Who, me?" He gave it up when Root ruffled his hair, a monumental act. "Umm…" He said awkwardly. Root was acting very out of character.

"Sorry, I just never knew how big a part of my life your mimics were. As much as I hate to admit it, centaur, I'm glad your back. The LEP could never survive without you." He winced at the confession. It was so unlike him to be nice to people. Even people who were his friends.

Foaly grinned at him. "Of course you couldn't have, but just to make sure you remember…" He brandished a tape-recorder that he had pulled out of his poket. " I'm keeping a record. Don't worry It's between you, me … and Holly." They hadglanced over at the door where Holly stood holding three cups of coffee and a take-out bag.

"Foaly, thank Frond your awake. I'm glad to see a little male bonding happened while I was gone. Now, drink this, " She pushed cups into each of their hands. "And explain what we're going to do about Fowl." Shegazed at the ceiling. "And Butler." She added finally. Holly felt an uncanny bond with the man whom she had saved; in fact, lately she could not keep him from her thoughts. Not in the best friend sense, either.

The two males exchanged amused looks. At a glare from Holly and they stopped giggling, but still continued to snicker through the whole conference.

&&A little while later…&&

"So, a brain scan is called for." Foaly finally concluded.

"That's why we're in the Scan-tram room, isn't it?" It was eleven O'clock at night. Both elves were exhausted and could take not one more minute of the centaur's rants.

"Yes. It happens to be why we are in my newly updated Scan-tram room. I re-constructed scan equipment so that we no longer use X-ray radiation, but a special nuclear glowing substance called Moltyn and when we shine it on a body it uses a natural…"

"Shut up Foaly." Everyone quieted him. Including the assistant dwarf.

"Yes, it is getting rather late, isn't it?" He hopped onto the machine and allowed it to thoroughly scan his brain.

"What the…" The assistant was looking at the printout, wide-eyed. "Mr. Foaly..."

"What is it, Nalph?" He plucked the sheet out of the dwarfs hand.

"What in…" He whispered, awestruck. "Quickly enflamed cells often create a stress-induced substance, but what is that?" He pointed at a red crystal-like shard wedged into his cerebellum.

"A ruby?" Suggested Root.

"Maybe a piece of dried ear-wax, shoved up too far?" Holly giggled. They were both hyper.

"It would never have made it past my eardrum. Don't be stupid. Somehow when I was clutching at my head, an invisible person was inserting this," He pointed at the red chip. "But they left no mark…" He fingered his scalp. "It must be some sort of High Tech tracking device." He looked at Holly, and pointed at her.

"You took off my aluminum hat, didn't you! It was wired with all sorts of anti-harm devices! I can't believe you did that! You know how paranoid I am! And for a good reason, too, it seems!" He turned on Root. "Now that you know I had reason to be cautious, you better apologize for teasing me all those years of teasing!"

"Sorry Foaly…" Root started to edge out of the room, Holly close on his heals. Oblivious, Foaly started ranting about how right he had been, the humans had been plotting against him! Now he would have to have surgery to have their device removed!

Root gave Holly a ride home, and as soon as he was at his place, sank himself into a much-needed mud bath. Tomorrow would be a big day.

&&Pour Foaly… whatis hegoing to do?&&

"Now what the hell am I going to do!" Artemis was in one of his rare moods. Well, he was rarely in such a furious mood. The LEP had failed to show up the night before. The McDonalds messenger was there, waiting for a reply, and Artemis's entire plan was falling to pieces.

"I was sure the lower elements would come. I was sure! I have copies of their Book, for god's sake! What will I tell McDonalds?" He was screaming at the Butlers. Meg was there too.

"That you are being fashionably late?" Juliet offered. She was not particularly upset that Roa (a/n pronounced like row, for you who don't read my authors' note.) would be staying longer.

"Fashionably late?" The fowl heir squeaked. To an onlooker, his distress might have seemed comical. To the elder Butler sibling, it was alarming. Surely his master would have a back-up plan? He voiced his suspicions aloud.

"I was counting 98 on the LEP coming!" He shouted, pacing and tearing at his hair.

"What about the extra two percent?" Meg reminded him. She walked over and quieted him, hating to see her biscuit in such distress.

"I was going to tell them that the Book was something that I was writing. A children's novel under the pseudonym of Eoin Colfer, but I doubt they'd believe that. These are the people who created Happy Meals, for gods' sake! Not to be underestimated." He still enjoyed a nugget Happy Meal every now and then. Although Butler was the only one who knew about his fascination with the toys.

"They are also the ones who named the number-two sandwich! Not the brightest tools in the shed, if you know what I mean!" Meg absentmindedly stroked his hair. Artemis was too worked up too notice, and he leaned against her without thinking.

Laughing, Juliet made an excuse and left the room. Butler said that he wanted to run through some surveillance tapes and slipped out without waiting for permission.

"What am I going to do?" The Fowl whispered, grabbing hold of her hand. The one that wasn't running through his locks.

"I don't know, but we'll think of something." She said softly, basking in his touch.

"Thank you." He whispered. Their lips met instinctively. Neither of them had any experience, but it wasn't all too unpleasant. It was warm and dry and they stayed together for a moment, then broke away awkwardly.

"I should go… meditate." He moved away slightly.

"Yes, I told Lowrie I'd meet him…" She hoped that Artemis did not regret their kiss.

"I'll see you later, then." On impulse, he lightly traced her cheekbone with his left hand before leaving her in the room, blushing.

&&awwwwwww… fluff! And arty is hopeless!&&

Artemis was much too preoccupied to concentrate on his meditation. He sat, eyes closed, remembering every detail of his moment with Meg. He also tried to recall some of the books he had read on the business of relationships. Not much seemed relevant to him now.

'Listen to what she has too say.' Had she said anything? He supposed he had failed in that commandment.

'Do not take anything for granted.' Did that mean that she might not have wanted to kiss him? He grew confused.

'Put no restrictions on her emotions.' What the HELL was that supposed to mean? That she could become a creepy stalker like the girl in Fatal Attraction?

'Take your relationship one day at a time.' Another one of his faults; Artemis was a planning fiend.

'Trust yourself.' He supposed that was the only one that made much sense. It meant he should stop reading about love and start experiencing it for himself. Sighing, he got up and stretched.

"Juliet? Could you please ask Myna to make me some lemonade?" He called down the hall.

"Sure Arty." Yawning, he ignored the nickname.

"I really should get some work done," He muttered, and started trying to devise a plan.

&&If you have any suggestions for a plan I would appreciate it!&&

Lowrie sat in the diner nervously. Ten more minutes. He would give her ten more minutes. He glanced around skittishly; watching to make sure nobody was laughing at him. Nobody even looked at him. Lowrie was in full disguise. Dark sunglasses and a green trench coat covered a blond wig and a pink Hawaiian shirt, complete with lei. He wascompletely inconspicuous.Lowrie took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to shed built-up tension. When he opened them, Meg was there, sitting in front of him. They studied each other for a moment, silent. Finally Lowrie spoke.

"Explain. How in gods' good name are you here? And what's with the jacket?" She stared at his trench coat.

"I'd ask the same of you. I thought I taught you some style when I was here." She eyed the lei, scrutinizing his outfit.

"Shut up, convict. This is a well-thought-out disguise!" He pouted on the outside but on the inside, he was beaming with joy. It was Meg!

"Ya, sure, mmhmm." Something similar was going on inside Meg. He was the closest thing to a grandfather that she had, even if they did argue all the time. She had missed him in heaven. Now that he was right in front of her, she had no idea what to say.

"It's terrible." She finally exclaimed. "Everything is perfect. You don't want to go there. Never." She started to describe heaven to him. A deeply worried look etched itself on Lowries brow. A hopeless look developed in his eyes. Suddenly Meg realized what she was doing.

"I don't mean to take away your hope fortheafterlife, McCall. But I need your help." She explained to him her plan.

"Ok, I'll help you. But only if I can meet your boyfriend…" He smirked.

"How do you know about Arte…" She remembered that she had used Artemiss' e-mail account to send the letter to Lowrie. He smiled.

"He's only an evil genius… nothing special…" And she had tosay a third explanation.

"Hmmm… Well, I'll have to meet this boy…" Meg shook her head.

&&Muaha! I shall not yet reveal my plan to take over the spiritual world…oups. &&

Roa and Juliet sat in the garden, cross-legged, staring at each other. Staring so hard, in fact, that one might have mistaken them for angry. But no, it was a mere staring contest. Finally Roa relented, and blinking several times, he wiped teary eyes. Juliet smiled, blinked and leaned forward tokiss him. They had only been together for two days, but they had become very attached to each other. She had found out that the reason hewas such a popular messenger was because he had aphotographic memory and he could deliver a flawlessno-trace letter.Roa found out that she had a blue diamond tattooed on her upper arm, which meant much more than he thought. Suddenly Juliet realized that she didn't know anything about his family.

"What's your last name, Réo?" She asked, curious.

"Steward,"Her facepaled andshegawked at him, open-mouthed. "What?" He asked.

"Steward?" She repeated. "Steward, the martial arts family? The Steward family who are the arch-enemies of the Butlers?" Her stomach did a flip. He couldn't be a Steward! He couldn't! Domovoi would KILL her! Not to mention Roa's parents!

"Yes, why?" Realization hit him. Like their namesakes, they would have to create a truce between both families. Hopefully their story would not end as tragically as the Shakespearean play.

"Your blue diamond… from Madam Ko, right? Oh, you are a Butler, aren't you?" She nodded twice. He sighed.

"Jules, what are we going to do?" Roméo was not the first person to ask that question that day.

"I don't know, but we will think of something." She unintentionally echoed the reply voiced by Meg in response to Artemiss' question.

"This is crazy, girl, lets put our minds at rest for the time being." She allowed him to wrap an arm around her waist as they watched the sun go down.

&&Ahahaha! Can anyone say…? THE PLOT THICKENS? Oh yea!&&

Beelzebub watched as Foaly did brain surgery on himself. Using virtual reality goggles and sensor-gloves on his hands, he operated in mid-air. A robot mimicked his every move, excepton his brain. The centaur had used an anesthetic that dulled the pain, but left his brain functioning and conscious. A smug lookwas on hisface. He loved using his own equipment.

Beelzebub, on the other hand, was so furious he could burst!

"I put an anti-X-ray coating on the residue, but what did the centaur do? He used Moltyn! Mammals aren't supposed to know about Moltyn! It's suppose to be God's little joke that they subject themselves to radiation when they could use perfectly…" He realized that he was babbling.

"STUPID CENTAUR!" He roared. Beelzebub had run out of ideas. The residue had been suppose to slowly transform his aura so that he had to go to Hell, no matter what the spiritual lawwas.

Growling, he tried to force a back-up scheme out of his skull. He was unsuccessful. Charging through Damnation, he zapped everyone he could until he got to Satan's office. He knocked.

"Come in, Bub." The demon shivered, and walked in.

&&hahah! You guys, I put a mini-mini-cliffhanger! (Not really but w/e)&&

REVIEWS! THANK YOU!

Lady of Faery: Thank you. It's hard to keep them all IC, but when I cant, I try to screw them up! I'm glad I made you laugh. I'm also glad it's insane. It's supposed to be. Muahaha!

PowerOfTheFrogs: Sorry if it's confusing. If you tell me what was worst, I can try to explain it to you. Thanks, I like the names Romeo and Juliet… and I was kinda hyper… but when am I NOT hyper? I hope you like the RomJule parody, its gunna be fun.

Megg: I know, and when I finish writing it, I am going to try to fix that. Right now, I just want to get it out of my head! I think I e-mailed you though…

PeanutButterOreoCookieGirl: Thank you. I know he's OOC, and when I finish this fic, I will edit it and try to make him a bit better.

Almost Insane: Thanks, I try.

CaptainAriannaTrouble: Thanks, ya I love them. I just thought, who's to say you stop being yourself when you die? Just so you know, I based their reactions roughly on how a male and female hamster meets. Cautious but curious, then they go for it. But I'm not going to get graphic in THIS fic. Hehe.

SchizophrenicSquirrel: No prob. You review my other stories, which is SUPER COOL! I will not begrudge you for a late review. Did he? Ok, I'll check and try to fix it. I guess I just meant that Zoe (his ex) had not been his girlfriend… he is diluted. Well, I have fun with Roa and his photographic memory… hehe. I don't care about the 'angels', lol. Your compliments are…staggering. Merci beacoups, thanks a ton! One thing… I'm sooo Canadian… what grade is freshman? Nine? God, I'm hopeless. One thing I do know, high school is crazy! Good luck!

MademoiselleViolet: Yes. –Sticks out tongue—You wacky Claire! –Blows kisses at review—you are crazy. I love it!

Kchan: Thanks, I really wanted something original… I know he's OOC, I'm going to try and fix that after I'm done writing this.

Ok, so that was my update. Did you like it? I sure hope so…I loved writing it! Especially the LEP stuff! It's so fun! I think I'll save the FoalyRoot for another story, though, it would be WAY too complicated for this one but… TELL ME IF I SHOULD EVEN DO ANOTHER STORY! DID THIS CHAPPIE SUCK? TELL ME ABOUT IT BY… reviewing… hehe. Click it!