Day Two
Realisation
I awoke when a light that hit my eyes, it was so bright; there was no way I could have fought it. I was about to open my eyes as I knew it was now morning, I felt oddly at comfortable in the cell bed, I prayed that I was safe at home, that all was just a dream. And that was when I realised that it was real, and there was no escaping it. I began to cry from a deep depression, I was thinking of why I was here; even though I already knew I was. I soon found myself hoping that I was dead; that I didn't have to live through this awful nightmare.
Bang, Bang. A man was heading down the hall way, making as much noise as he possibly could. Who could be so rude to do such a thing? I quickly cleared my face from any signs of despair, sat quietly until this stranger had passed. Then he came; Big, bright electric blue eyes staring at mine, and screaming. It was not a nurse like I though at all. It turned out a patient had escaped during breakfast. I could tell by the bags under his eyes that he was a long-term patient; his soul was suffering deeply from within. I wanted to help; only I couldn't. I was too scared and ashamed of myself. There's a saying that goes "You must love yourself before you love others" My mother had told me this when I was 11, I never really understood it. But I do now. I wasn't going to love this man, but care for him; at least try. I knew I couldn't, how could I care and understand how to help someone when I myself needed such help? He started shouting at me as if I were some thing. He was calling me an 'it', something not human, nor even real. Finally his psychiatric doctor came and took him. I was left alone again; and in a complete state of shock. I ran to the nearest corner and began rocking my body back and forth trying to get these mental images of me becoming a nothing and bursting into flames out of my head. I was scared, what should I do? I didn't have a clue. I felt a weak side of me giving up, telling my mind it's not worth trying. They would never take me back under their wing, they wouldn't be able to trust me again, or even look into my eyes again. I wanted to lay there forever; in the cold and die. Then I don't know exactly what it was, but some weird feeling hit me, I found myself screaming through the window of my door, calling out for someone, I had no idea what I was doing, or what I was going to do. I wanted out of this life, I was never insane, it is this place; it makes everyone insane. How long would I be like this?
There was a rush of footsteps and a number of nurses appeared in front of me. "What's wrong?" one said. It seemed forever until I spoke in reply. It just occurred to me that there was nothing wrong, after all, I would much rather be in a clinic than at home where I would be come more disturbed. I hummed and stared blankly into Janet's (my special nurse) eyes, they were beautiful, and I've never seen any colour like it before. They were a very mystical type grey; I could not look away from. I turned my back and proceeded back to my corner where I hummed a song which my grandad used to hum to me when I was young. I don't know exactly what it was, but just that few seconds ago; looking into her eyes; I felt as if I knew her, like she was a part of me. She didn't look too old, probably the same age as me.
With a clang as my cell door was closed, one of the doctors entered with stethoscope. He walked over to me, and began questioning me. Great, just great. The one thing I wish did not happen while I'm here I thought. I hated being questioned about things I could not answer. He checks my pulse and my blood pressure. I thought this was all a little too strange, what on earth was this man doing this for? I have no clue, but before I had the chance to become aware of my actions, the doctor was unconscious on the floor and I was out of my door in a second. There was something wrong with me, something big. I don't know exactly what they call it, but I believe I have a mental illness of some sort. Every now and then I would just do things, it never happened until I arrived here.