Ch6 - Close Encounters of the Flacco Kind.
It didn't take long before Kryten, Cat and Lister had pulled ahead. To be truthful to himself as fond as he was of the idea of keeping an eye on their hosts, Rimmer wasn't comfortable leaving Starbug unguarded. The thought of being marooned for eternity with 'Dermo, Fergo and Fido' or whatever they called each other would be worse than being 'switched off.' Lost in his thoughts Rimmer didn't realise that he was headed in a different direction to his crew mates. Rimmer trudged on for another 5 minutes before the corridor split into two more, forming a 'T'-intersection. He looked around and noticed he was alone. "Smeg," he said under his breath. This wasn't good, he was lost on a giant submarine with three homicidal maniacs on the loose. despite the cool air from the air-con beads of sweat began to pour down Rimmer's face. He looked around to try and get some bearings when ahead of him was a sign pointing down each path. Rimmer walked over to the sign and read it. The one pointing to the left read 'Dissaway' and the one pointing to the right said 'Dattaway.' Rimmer raised an eyebrow, "extremely smegging helpful."
"You're telling me," said a high pitched voice from the shadows. Rimmer quickly turned around and adopted a martial arts pose. "Who said that?" he asked nervously.
"That was me," said the voice again.
"Who's me?"
"You're you, I'm me."
"Yes," Rimmer said patiently as if talking to a five-year-old, "I know I'm me but who are you?"
"I'm me."
Rimmer ground his teeth, "Well me, what's your name?" The owner of the voice jumped out from behind Rimmer. "I don't know what you're name is but I'm Flacco." He said causing Rimmer to turn around in fright. Rimmer calmed himself and looked the man up and down. He was a balding man with what little hair he had left sticking out horizontally to the floor, with a few strands curled around the top of his head to resemble a question mark and was wearing what could only be described as a medieval costume gone wrong. All in all, Rimmer thought, this new character appeared to strangely resemble a boiled egg on stilts. Given the absurdity of the situation, Rimmer gave the new character an inane grin and promptly fainted.
Flacco simply watched as the man in front of him fainted and hit the floor with a loud 'thud.' Flacco looked at Rimmer's unconscious form, "You know mate looking at you lying there like that, legs akimbo..." Flacco paused for a second and looked around furtively, "I could go for you mate."
Rimmer slowly came round to see Flacco up close staring at him. Rimmer jumped excitedly, almost knocking Flacco over, and yelled "ALIENS! I knew they existed!" Flacco turned around and excitedly yelled "Where?" Rimmer raised an eyebrow and looked at the strangely dressed man again. "Y-You're not an alien?" Flacco shook his head. "I am a fictional character..." Rimmer looked confused. "I am a figment of someone else's imagination. I am not a human being! I am a boiled egg on stilts!"
Rimmer looked at Flacco, "You're smegging barking, that's what you are!" Rimmer rubbed his temples, Lister hadn't given him any of those smegging mushrooms again had he? no they were destroyed when the crew died...could it be a relapse of the holovirus? he didn't feel any different...
Rimmer sighed, it was probably best if he humoured the strange man, "look do you know where everyone else is?" Flacco nodded and pointed down the left path.
"Dattaway," he said beginning to walk away.
"But 'dattaway' says 'dissaway,'" Rimmer said confused. Flacco walked to the sign and turned it around and repeated pointing to the left, "dattaway," Rimmer shook his head and walked the direction Flacco said.