Ch7 - You Hate Me And I Know Why...
After a few wrong turns Rimmer eventually found himself in a large room, full of antiques. On a quick examination, the room had three other rooms leading out from the central one. Inside he saw his crew mates and two of the three homicidal maniacs, as he thought of them, forming a circle. Tentatively Rimmer entered the room, as he did so Lister turned around and looked at him "Where have you been?" He asked quietly and not unkindly.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you..."
"At the moment I think I'll believe anything"
Rimmer shrugged, "just keep a look out for a strangely dressed man...if you see him...run!" Lister nodded and turned his attention back to the circle, Rimmer could hear some nonsensical mutterings and wondered what was happening. Rimmer walked over to him, "What's happening? where's the short odorous one?" Lister put his finger to his lips trying to quiet Rimmer but it was too late, a hysterical voice piped up. "You hate me. You all hate me and I know why! Its because I'm SHORT!"
"Paul, we don't hate you" Rich said as if he was talking to a five year old. As Rimmer approached he saw on the floor a bloodied Paul rocking back and forth in the fetal position. "You do, everybody hates me because I'm short and...and because I'm blue."
"Paul, you're not blue" Tim reasoned.
"I could be, if I held my breath long enough" Paul said in a babyish voice. "But that's not the only reason, you hate me because I wear...wear" Paul looked around him and found Tim's nightcap and put it on his head, "wear a nightcap all day"
"Paul that isn't even your nightcap, its mine."
"You hate me because I'm short and blue and constantly wear a nightcap and because" Paul paused for a bit, "and because I'm a smurfing smurf." The Dwarfers raised an eyebrow and looked questioningly at Rich, Tim and each other. "Can I point out a slight problem sir?" Kryten offered, oblivious to Rich and Tim trying to stop him. "Smurfs are in fact non-existent, there were in fact a cartoon character from the 1980's"
Paul looked at Kryten "Funny man! Funny man! Just because smurfing Gargamel eventually almost smurfing killed us all"
Kryten piped up again, "No sir, Gargamel never killed you a-" Kryten was silenced as Lister put a hand over his mouth.
"Funny man! Funny man! But you smurfing hate me most of all because-smurf-because I'm the last female smurf...because I'm a little girl smurf."
Tim shook his head, tired of Paul's childishness, "Paul! You are not a little girl I've seen you in the bath!"
Paul jumped up and hid behind a display table, only his head was visible. "Pervert! you smurf watched a little smurf girl smurf in the bath."
Richard stepped forwards and held his hands in front of him in a peace offering. "Paul, he said calmly. Don't you think this is going a bit far?"
Paul crawled out from behind the table looking as if he was about to burst into tears. "Smurf hate me because Smurf I'm a short, blue smurf nightcap wearing female smurf who gets spied on whilst smurf she's in the bath." Rich and Tim rubbed their temples and continued to try and reason with Paul.
"Oh shut your whining you filthy piece of distended rectum!" Rimmer said sick of Paul's childish carrying on. Everyone, with the exception of Paul, turned and glared at Rimmer.
"Rimmer!" Chided Lister, "show a bit of smegging compassion for once in your life." Rimmer folded his arms and turned away as Paul began again about how everybody hated him Tim and Rich looked at each other and without a word passing between them decided that it would be better for Paul if the newcomers left him alone for a while. Meanwhile, the Cat paused and looked at Paul, "You know he does kinda remind me of a smurf..."
"Uhhh...thanks Cat...but I don't think that you were very tactful" Lister said motioning to Paul who was continuing his 'you hate me speech' with a vengeance now. "And you!" Lister turned to Rimmer, "these people are kind enough to host us, to put us up for a while and you go and aggravate them!" Rich walked over to the Dwarfers, "we should go somewhere else for the moment, Paul has more chance of calming down without a crowd."
"Yeah, that's right! Leave because you hate me so much," Paul said to the retreating figures.
"Sorry about Rimmer man," apologised Lister. Rich shook his head in reply.
Tim bent down to Paul and held him about the waist, gently bringing him to his feet, "C'mon Paul, back to the womb, boomboom boomboom boomboom..." From what the retreating Dwarfers saw, Paul appeared to be calming down considerably.
"Does that happen often bud? Cause I mean next time I'm gonna bring popcorn." Rich shot the Cat daggers, it was always stressful when Paul had one of his episodes. "Look, lets just watch TV until they come back." Rich opened the door to his room and turned on the TV. An Asian lady appeared on screen. The words 'Shitzu-Tonka News In Brief' were displayed on the screen.
The newscaster spoke, "Rumours have been confirmed that Shitzu-Tonka's bid to eradicate history last season has failed. In the process President Donny Osmond has told the public that he had 'a loverly bunch of coconuts that were of more interest than the Titanic II that he was prepared to sell after the conference.' Promptly President Osmond was sedated and a spokesperson again confirmed the fact that 'the president is full of shit' and went on to add 'that too much explosive power was used in the attempt and history's greatest art treasures have survived.' More worrying though is the fact that the former comedy trio the Doug Anthony AllStars have also survived the explosion and Shitzu-Tonka retracts its earlier statement of 'sayonara suckers'...for the moment at least." The newscaster's face disappeared and was replaced by Bob Downe and his latest hit show 'Pick'a'tit.' Rimmer ignored the cheap game show and turned to face Rich, "You're comedians?" Rich nodded and Rimmer stood dumbfounded.
"But how come are you on this then?" Lister asked.
"Paul maybe...kinda assaulted the wrong person at a show," Rich said nervously.
"Assaulting? In a comedy gig? I thought you just stood up there pointing out observations on...things" Rimmer finished lamely.
"We do-I mean did...only most of the observations included Paul making fun of the audience...and throwing things...sometimes himself. However, we're mainly musical comedians, so most of our material is in song." Rich pointed to the guitar, "I'm the guitarist." Rich said proudly.
Lister smiled, "Perhaps we could have a jam session sometime?"
"Sir, do you think that's wise? After all how could he hear you if you're outside playing...you know the rule."
"C'mon Kryters, just this once?" Lister pleaded. Kryten's reply was lost as Tim and Paul burst in the room, Paul looked as if the previous half hour had never happened. "Hey Bud," the Cat said to Paul, "You okay?"
Paul smiled trying to cover up the previous half hour, "I'm perfectly normal, I'm fine, I'm OK, you're OK, we're OK."
The Cat raised an eyebrow, "if you're sure buddy."
"In fact, I feel a song coming on...IIIIIIF you're happy and you know it, skin a penguin and give its skin to a midget to wear as a tuxedo!" The Dwarfers raised an eyebrow and looked at each other. In the meantime, Rich had got his guitar and strummed a few opening chords.