Ch 10 - Hello Soldier
Tim sat on his bed looking at a picture of his dearly departed cousin Valmay who throughout her short life suffered many health problems. Her most fatal was her glass eye, Tim reminisced, she used to keep her spare change there. Once, Tim claimed, he lost the will to live. After a thorough search he found that behind her glass eye too! Eventually she had an operation to get a new eye...it was just a pity she didn't use it to see the oncoming truck...
Tim was lost in his musings and didn't notice a figure standing behind him. "Hello soldier." The voice said. Tim literally jumped out of his skin and turned sharply to see Bob, a balding American with a bad comb over, thick plastic glasses and big ears. "Ohh its you...ARGH! ITS YOU!" Tim did the classic double take.
"I got a problem see," the psychopathic American began, holding a hunting knife to Tim's throat. "As a boy I was always the smallest in the class...the boys always picked on me...called me wet. Quite often Timothy I'd come home with a black eye or a cracked rib. And each night Timothy my father'd belt me within an inch of my life yelling "FIGHT BOB FIGHT!" Tim paled visibly and a few beads of sweat began to trickle down his forehead. "Any how," Bob continued ignoring Tim, "one day there was a stabbing incident in the schoolyard...the boys ran into my knife 10 times Timothy." Bob smirked slightly and a manic glint was visible in his eyes. "The principle was going to take me to the police...well, I didn't want to do that and shortly after there was a stabbing incident in his office...I went home Timothy and mom was hysterical when she found out. I had to calm her down so I got father's rifle and fired a couple of warning shots..." Bob grinned manically, "...into her head..." Bob was about to continue when the door to his room was opened and Kryten entered.
"Sir, I heard noises and thought I should see if you need any hel-" Kryten paused when he saw the psychopathic American "Sir," he said to Bob, "I suggest you let Mr. Ferguson go at once." Bob was surprised, it was rare that another crew member walked in on his little liaisons with Tim. In his brief distraction he inadvertently loosened his grip on Tim, giving Tim the opportunity to escape from Bob's grasp.
Tim's hand fumbled for a bit until he reached one of the many guns that were ever-present in Tim's room, he quickly aimed and fired. The bullet hit Bob in the forehead, he swayed back and forth for a bit before saying "I'm Bob...and I'll be back..." and falling to the ground. Tim dropped the gun and looked at Bob, that was the worst Bob had been for a while, by now Tim was used to him trying to kill him and despite Bob being a 'fictional character' like Flacco, Tim was pretty sure that Bob could kill him.
"Who was that?" Kryten asked.
"Bob - an American psychopath."
"Why was he trying to kill you?" Tim shrugged, he honestly had no idea
"Because he's American?" Tim offered. Kryten didn't understand Tim's reasoning but asked the next question that was nagging at him. "What did he mean when he said that he'll be back? Surely sir you killed him?"
Again Tim shrugged, "every few days he comes and finds me..."
"And you kill him every time?"
"No, most times he kills himself..."
"But how does that work, surely once he's dead sir..."
"He's a fictional character, we have a couple of them on board, only Bob rarely disturbs Pixie and Dixie." Tim indicated to Paul and Rich
"But he can touch you, surely fictional characters are intangible sir!" For the third time in as many minutes Tim offered a response with a shrug and through clenched teeth, "All I know is he's a psychopathic American...called Bob..."
"Oh," was all Kryten could say.