Ch 11 - Would You Like a Cup of Tea?
Paul, Rich, Lister, Cat and Rimmer sat around a table in the centre of the room. "Would anybody like a cup of tea?" Paul asked amiably.
"Yes please," said Rich and Lister simultaneously.
"Well get it yourselves!" Paul snapped, "what did your last slaves die of?" Lister's mouth opened dumbfounded, Rich on the other hand was used to Paul's sudden mood swings like this and just sat silently. "But you just offered a cup of tea!"
"No, I asked if you wanted one I didn't say I'd get it for you dormouse cheeks," Paul said adopting one of the Cat's insults. "Fine then," Paul conceded as Lister narrowed his eyes at him.
Paul stood up and walked over to the kitchenette and boiled the kettle. Within a few minutes it boiled and Paul brought over on a tray the kettle, milk, sugar and two cups. Unfortunately Lister missed the manic glint in Paul's eyes as he approached. "How do you have it then?"
"White and two thanks," said Lister. Paul smirked and proceeded to pour the boiling water into Lister's lap. Lister screamed as the boiling water hit his groin and attempted to stand up. Unfortunately, Lister only managed to fall off his chair at which point Paul poured the milk over Lister and unceremoniously plopped two spoonfuls of sugar in Lister's face. Cat and Rimmer found the exchange hilarious and were almost joining Lister on the floor in hysterics.
"WHAT THE SMEG DID YOU DO THAT FOR!" Screamed Lister through gritted teeth as he writhed on the ground, clutching his groin in pain.
"You never asked for it in a cup," Paul shrugged evilly. Lister looked up at Paul, his eyes full of loathing. "You are so going to pay for that McDermott!" Spat Lister as he stood up.
"And how do you suppose your gonna do that you dreadlocked hippy?" snarled Paul. Rich and Rimmer looked at each other, blinked and without a word between them scrambled for cover under the table leaving the Cat up top to enjoy the proceedings, he was enjoying these shows, as long as no-one messed up his suits he was happy. Lister despite his anger was loathe to make the first move, having seen before how Paul fought he needed the upper hand early if he was going to have a proper chance at beating Paul into submission.
Lister's eyes were still locked on Paul as he removed his jacket and threw it on the ground. Paul took advantage of that and leapt at Lister, aiming a punch to the stomach, Lister sidestepped and Paul landed unceremoniously on the ground with a thud. Lister smirked and leapt on top of Paul and hit Paul squarely on the jaw. Paul's eyes widened and he snarled at Lister before raising a fist in an attempt to hit Lister. Lister expected this from Paul's earlier fight with Tim and easily caught Paul's hand before it could make contact. "Get. The. Fuck. Off. Me. Now." Paul spat at Lister who shook his head in reply. Paul attempted to turn in order to reverse places, however, Lister had Paul firmly pinned to the floor.
With Lister's next hit Paul managed to bite Lister's arm when it came dangerously close to his mouth. "ARGH! SMEG!" Yelled Lister as Paul broke the skin. He smirked and took advantage of Lister's preoccupation and brought his legs up and under Lister before literally throwing Lister off of himself. He stood up and looked down at Lister who was beginning to look scared. Paul felt the coppery taste of blood in his mouth and spat it out onto Lister, deeming the fight was over he pulled his leg back and his foot firmly connected with Lister's joy department. Lister's eyes bugged and he screamed in pain before curling up in the fetal position and whimpering to himself whilst Paul walked back to the table and sat down again with an evil smirk on his face. "Hey bud," the Cat said to Paul as he sat down, "You should have ended on a song then it would have been perfect!"
Tim and Kryten had heard Lister's scream and came running out of Tim's room. "Mr. Lister sir, what happened?"
"That...Smegging...Poisoned...Dwarf..." Lister managed through clenched teeth. Kryten looked to Paul who had a 'Who me?' look on his bloodied face. Tim looked at Paul and smiled, "What'd ya do?"
"That bloody dreadlocked hippy attacked me!" Paul said defensively.
"Yeah, because you poured boiling water in my lap!"
"Well you should have asked for a cup as well." Paul retaliated. Tim nodded in agreeance, quite often he'd forgotten to ask for a cup when Paul offered tea and had the same thing happen.
"Generally that's implied when you ask for a cup of tea."
"Look," offered Tim, "why don't we solve this in a mature and adult way...through a game of cards...we'll show you the ropes"