Ch 13 - Drink, Drink, Drink. Drink Until Your Drunk.

The Dwarfers and the AllStars sat around the bar in the alcohol library, steadily drinking their way through the remnants of the alcohol kept there. "Ya know mate," hiccupped Rich to the near comatose body of the Cat, "this stufh's prish-prich-worth a lot of money..." The Cat nodded before passing out causing Rich to smile.

Paul and Tim sat with Rimmer and Lister playing poker; however Paul was loosing and in his drunken state was becoming very emotional, "It's not fair!" He whined. "It's not fair, I never win at poker, it's not fair." Lister lent over to Paul and started patting him on the back "Shhh, its ok. You'll win the next hand Paul, its ok." Paul stopped mid sentence and looked over at Lister, his eyes narrowing. "DON'T TOUCH ME LISTER!" He yelled, forgetting his attention seeking behaviour. Lister's hand recoiled as if he had been bitten, he'd learnt from experience not to try and best Paul in a fight. His diminutive stature belied his fighting prowess…if you could call it that.

Meanwhile, Tim and Rimmer took advantage of the pause in the game and started talking. "Mate," Tim began, "I-I-I luv ya mate," he slurred drunkenly.

"I love you too mate," Rimmer slurred back uncharacteristically.

"Na, mate!" Tim said slightly upset, "Oi luv ya li-loi-like a mate, mate" He said leaning in towards Rimmer who had seemingly forgotten that Tim had been accused of Necrophilia by Paul and had put his arm around Tim.

Rich shook the comatose body of the Cat in a vain attempt to rouse him. Despite Rich's efforts all that came from the Cat was a mumbling that sounded to the AllStars like "sing is another song will ya buds." The AllStars looked at each other and shrugged saying "might as well". In their drunken state they stood up and walked towards a makeshift stage. Rich's guitar magically appeared in his hands as if from nowhere, as was usually the case whenever they sang. Rich strummed the opening chords to the song.

"It's a broad lick Nic,
And I'll tell you while I'm able or I'll smash your skull,
If you're not drinking enough Black Label.
It's a hard man's drink and though the bottle's broken,
Put your money on the table," sang Paul
"Strain the glass through your teeth.
We grew up lean, mean, Kings of the Street Scene.
Without a mother's guiding hand to keep us clean.
Down your rum, we'll take life as it comes,
And all you blue rinse critics lick our literary bums." Tim and Rich

"I drank my first pure malt before I was three," Sang Paul
"Smoked a pack of Dutch cigarettes my pappy left for me." Added Tim
"And I romanced a little lass who was twelve years my elder at the age of six I held her.
That year I also bed her so before I was seven my first child was born." Sang Rich to the astonished look of both the AllStars and the Dwarfers
"I told a pack of filthy lies as a politician,
Heard my own confession as act of contrition. " Tim quickly sung.
I spent ten years as a Trappist monk in a village in Tibet,
And I walked up Everest naked just to win a bet." Sang Paul not to be outdone.

"Well I cut off my leg to win a one legged race,
And when I won I stitched right back into place." Again sang Tim
"I fought Mohammed Ali, I've seduced Mata Hari.
I've even worn a sari when I impersonated Gandhi." Joined in Rich.
"And I dare any man here to call me a liar... LIARS!
But I swear I've seen Ezekiel, I swear I've seen Isaiah,
Toasting marshmallows in Beelzebub's fire." Finished Paul

"And we're mad,"

"MAD!" Joined in the Dwarfers getting in the swing of the song

"Bad,"

"BAD!"

"Dangerous to know.
We never gave a tinkers cuss about the seeds we'd sow.
And we stay up late and never be forlorn.
And when the morning comes around we'll kiss the crack of dawn." The three AllStars sang.

"We took the whacks from Kerouac's and dusty Dostoyevsky's,
And when all was said and done booze was all I had left me.
For all the world's great thinkers are all a load of pus!
And if you asked us how Zarathustra spoke," soloed Paul before the other two joined in.
"He spoke thus: Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink until your drunk,
Drink until you can't stand up,
Till you're roly poly stunk.
Till your bladder bursts till you throw a fit and curse,
Til they lift you up still comatose and slam dance in the hearse."

"And we're good,"

"GOOD!" Again the Dwarfers joined in

"Bad,"

"BAD!"

"Ugly as sin.
We mixed up cough syrup with our gin
So take your medicine.
I pray that when I die,
There'll be someone else around to kiss my ass goodbye.
Yes I pray, I pray, I pray that when I die," the three sang before Paul finished with the last line
"There'll be someone else around to kiss my ass goodbye."

The AllStars finished the song to large round applause from the Dwarfers minus the comatose Cat.