Ch 14 - ACK! Bright Light Hurt Eyes!

Lister slowly awoke in the same position he was in before passing out the night before cradling a traffic cone. "Ahhh good afternoon Mr. Lister sir," said Kryten as he was cleaning up after last night's drinking session.

"Kryters," whispered Lister hoarsely. "Do you think you could keep it down a bit? Me head hurts like buggery" Paul's voice piped up, sounding almost as bad as Lister.

"Na mate, nothing hurts like buggery. Now shut up before I have to hurt ya."

"Ugg," moaned Rimmer. "It's too bright"

"But sir," said Kryten confused, "the light's off."

"And that is too much bud," chipped in the Cat rolling onto his stomach.

"If you don't all shut the fuck up now I will kill you!" Paul said loudly instantly regretting it as the words reverberated in his head. However, it had the desired effect causing everyone else to immediately shut up and hold their heads in pain as well.

"Mmmmph" exclaimed Rich as, against all of his body's wishes, he stood up quickly and made for the toilet to throw up. A slight grin escaped Kryten's lips as he saw how bad the hangover that the humanoids and the hologram had. He wasn't surprised though, not after how much they drank last night. In fact Kryten was surprised there was any alcohol left at all, especially not half of what was in the room!

"Rich," called Paul softly, "can your throw up a bit quieter?" Rich mumbled something incoherent back at Paul before becoming engrossed in conversation with the toilet bowel once more. Paul sighed and closed his eyes, listening to the pounding in his head. Kryten shook his head and began to distribute water and the hangover tablets he found the night before. 'Surely the humanoids'd need a stomache pump after the amount of alcohol they'd consumed.' Kryten had mused before his companions had awoken, almost wish they hadn't done so, Mr Lister's hangovers were bad enough to deal with without the added burden of another five...

Later that evening after everyone gradually recovered from the mother of all hangovers, the AllStars had retired to their respective rooms for a break from each other and the Dwarfers, leaving the Dwarfers to play a game of cards in the main room. "Dear Mummy-Wummy, Sunny, Smuffy, Wuffy, Ika-Wika-Woo." Rich said aloud as he wrote a letter to his mother, "Its your Ickle-Wickle, Itchy-Ritchy baby boy writing to you again from the Titanic. The last two days have been exciting mum! Another ship crashed into us. I'm okay by the way. On board was a man who smells almost as bad as Paul, a robot, a man made of light and a Cat. The Cat makes me think of Smuffy. Why did Tim have to kill Smuffy mum? He's always being mean to me, both him and Paul. Sometimes I wish I was Catboy so I could scratch their eyes out." Rich scratched the air with his hand before going back to his letter, "last night Paul and Lister had a fight, Paul won naturally. Lister wasn't too happy about that so to make up for it, we all went down to the alcohol library for a party. It was fun...at least I think it was fun...I can't really remember much though." Rich read over his letter before finishing it off, "These new guys are different and fun to be around mum but I hope they don't stay too long."

In Tim's room he was again polishing a gun as he too wrote a letter to his mother. "Dear Jocasta," He read aloud what he had just written, "I was glad to hear that cousin Valmay's now got an artificial leg...its just a pity that her good leg got amputated instead...We've got some new people on board despite Shitzu-Tonka regulations. They break all the rules and everything. They even brought a Cat on board. Now granted by some freak of nature he looks like you and me...only not as good looking but he's still a cat. It's against regulations to have animals on board no matter how human they are...I'm still wondering how Paul got through...Anyway, that said, back to our new companions. Its like there's another Paul and Richard here one's smelly and has poor hygiene...and the other's a coward. I've got nothing against them but I hope they don't stay too long."

Paul sat at his desk scribbling a letter to his mother as well. "Dear mum." He too read out loud, how his mother ever understood the scribbles she was sent every week no-one but her knew. "I'm sorry I missed your coming out party, things came up that we couldn't cancel...like being shot into orbit. Hopefully I'll be back soon, just don't go chasing after dad until I'm back and can give you an alibi. I know its hard, but look what happened last time! Not even space is free from unwelcome guests these days mum. I mean some weirdos crashed into us and are now using our generosity and goodwill to its extent. I know you know some freaks yourself from when you were 'inside' but here we have a dead guy, a dreadlocked hippy, a wackjob who thinks he's related to cats and someone who looks like his head was used as a chewtoy! They're really starting to annoy me...especially the hippy. Give my love to the family and for these weirdo's sakes I hope they don't stay too long..."

Oblivious to the letters being written, the Dwarfers played the obligatory game of Fish. Scarily it was as addictve as it was stupid..."have you got aaaaaaaaa one?" asked the Cat who only had the one card left. Rimmer sighed "its called an ACE you gimboid!"

At